Day 388 ~ I Am Second Challenge Day 11 of 22

This is Day 11 of my challenge... {and} my eleventh video...

... Shannon Culpepper's father moved out of Shannon's family home when she was seven, leaving her and her mother behind.  As she grew into a young woman she did not stop seeking the approval of her father all those years... eventually she found herself in a relationship with an older man when she was a senior in high school.  For as much as she loved her fiance, she learned with time that Christ is first.

Shannon Culpepper: I am Second

I too experienced exactly the same as Shannon... a few differences though... I was nine when my father left; while being only ten miles away, might as well have been 600; and my 'fiance' was only a year older than me and I did marry him.


Another difference Shannon and I have is that It has taken me much longer to realize the importance of God in my life, and putting Him first.


I am starting to get the hang of it [putting Him first that is]... however leading a Christian life or rather 'Jesus' like (as in What would Jesus do?} behavior isn't all that easy.  You'd have to be perfect.


As an example... living by the golden rule {treat others as you would want to be treated}, loving your neighbor, for another... being kind and non-judgmental... and of course being forgiving.


NOW... If that's the case... then I have broken every rule this week.


I allowed everything and everyone get to me this week.  Not only that... but I reacted to it all... and nastily!


What I can say for myself is... I do not regret what points I was trying to make ('trying' being the operative word) ... however it was how I reacted and said things.  I was an ass as far as that is concerned. 


Maybe it was a test to see if I could control myself? HA! If that's the case... then I failed!  LOL!  At this point all I can do is laugh.  It is what it is.  Just a reminder that I most definitely am not perfect.


BUT... I do respect myself enough to stand up how I want to be treated... I just have to be nicer about it {that's all}.


{and} as Shannon learned, Christ is the only one that will always love you... always be there for you... always pick you up.


Because, He is First... I am Second.

We are Second when we put Jesus First. Seconds are bold to lift up Jesus and tell others. Are you ready to become a stronger Second?

I challenge YOU to take the I Am Second [22] Day Challenge... Can you spare maybe fifteen minutes in a day?

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.  ~Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV)

I AM SECOND.

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright laws apply.   

Day 297 ~ My Fight Continues V

Continued from Days 62, 63, 295 & 296...

As time went on, there were more and more times that I was put aside.  As the dust began to settle, my sons began to live.  My sons began to grow.  They were finally able to live their lives, and that they did.  They started going to sleepovers and parties.. conveniently they it would happen during their time with me.  What was I supposed to do?  Take their complete childhood away?  Hindsight.. I should have put myself first a little more.  Because, as time went on, my sons learned to put their friends first, before their mother.  Again, what was I supposed to do?  Keep them from having friends?  I wanted for them to have a happy healthy life.


More time went by, I found myself alone more without my boys.  The alienation continued.  The     passive aggressive behavior towards me continued.  The bullying continued.  My car had been vandalized at an event that was a last minute outing with my sons, and only their father knew it.  He own his own auto repair shop.  Very easy for him to have one of his flunkies do it for him.  I ended up being stranded for two hours that night, having to call "him" to come get the boys. 

After a couple of more years of the same, and with my sons growing older and older... I made a decision... I moved back home, back to Los Angeles.  Their father agreed to continue vacations and  major holiday trips at my expense... which never transpired.  He renigged on it all.  I was able to have my younger son visit me once, and even then his father called and cut his trip short by a day ("he" wanted my son home one day early, ONE DAY!) ... which caused major heartache on my part and I was out an additional $100 for changing the ticket.  Which he never paid me back.

My eldest son was allowed to come see me once, with my youngest son... it was for my father's funeral..  My sons' father would not allow my sons to be with their (my) family for more than six hours.  I actually paid $800 for my sons to fly down from the Northwest for six hours.  We had to pick them up at the airport at eleven in the morning, and then back at the airport by five that same evening.  They were not allowed to grieve for their grandfather.  The only grandfather they had ever known.

One would think that after twelve years (at the time) the dust would be settled.  I longed for the day that each of my sons would turn 18... hoping that they would have their own voice to finally speak up.  But... The dust never really settled... even after being divorced for nearly nineteen years.  

Y O U   S E E . . .  all this time I have been alienated from my sons.  I have been lied to, as have my sons.  With that said, I have put it all behind me- except for having to relive it all now with these posts, so that I may share my story.  Hold on a moment!  How can anyone ever put this behind them?  Honestly, time only helps to not think about it as much.

As each day passes, I struggle a little less.  I have good days.  I have bad days.  The loss of my sons will forever live inside of me.  Their lack of effort made to be a part of my life will change one day.

T O D A Y . . .  I have Calley.  I thank God for Calley everyday.  I feel so blessed to have been given a second chance at being a mommy.  Although, I must admit that because of the loss of my boys I sometimes catch myself being a little too overprotective over her.  I guess that can't be all bad.  I cherish each moment I have with my daughter, and strive to do right by her.

I have been telling Calley about her brothers from the day she was born, and has met them once (her older brother twice).  The last time she was with her brothers was three and a half years ago, she just had her second birthday before our visit.  


Whenever given a chance, Calley loves to tell people that she has brothers.  Also, there are all the pictures of them on our family walls.  Calley's too cute too, she is always asking about them.  She asks me to tell her stories of when they were little.  She continuously asks me what they like to eat and then will ask for me to make it for her.  At the end of each day, we finish with a prayer for her brothers, to keep them safe and close to God.

Funny thing... recently Calley one day started talking to me about her brothers.  Somewhere in the conversation she innocently assume that her daddy, was their daddy too.  Boy, talk about being put on the spot!  Well I proceeded to tell her that they had a different daddy, and that we had stopped being married.  Somehow as simply as I had put it, she understood.  And then proceeded to ask me if their daddy was part of our family.  OH BOY!  I had to contain myself,  and managed to do so.  I told her that her brothers are part of our family, and their father is part of their family... and since that was the case, we could all be considered an extended family.

I know one day my daughter will know the truth, but until then I will be as honest as I can, without taking her innocence away from her before its time.

I adore my sons, there's no question about it.  But until they are ready to be a part of my life, I will continue to hope for the day we will finally be able really put it behind us and be a family.  I will pray for myself.  I will pray for their safety.  Above all, I will pray for them to one day meet, fall in love with and marry wonderful Christian girls.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.  ~Elizabeth Stone

Continued with my final thoughts on Day 298.


Blessings to all!!

68 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 296 ~ My Fight Continues IV

Continued from Days 62, 63 & 295...

After that day at McDonald's, there were what seemed to be an eternity of court dates, weekly appointments with the G.A.L, and then at least two appointments per week with a family psychologist.  For nearly one year, my sons gave up their childhood... and for what?  Just so a man can get his vengeance.

Oh how I hated showing up at the court house.  Then finally, "my day" in court came.  I gave my attorney a document (I got a hold of) that proved that my sons' step-mother had committed pergury.   All of a sudden the other side wanted to settle.  To this day I am still bothered that my attorney did not go directly to the judge with it (or is that done only in the movies?), instead he went to the other side with it.    

At that moment, all I could think of was putting it ALL behind me.. having my life back with my sons... giving my sons back their childhood...  I knew at that moment that either I could continue fighting my sons' father, or end it all amicably (for whatever that means)... I thought of my boys.  


We had settled on shared custody, with the boys staying with their dad ("he") the majority of the school year-  I would get my sons Thursday through Monday one week, and Friday through Sunday the next.  During the summertime, it would flip.  However vacation time would come into play, as well as these cockamamie "free" days that I or he could use with a 48 hour notice.  But somehow my sons dad would screw me over each summer, where I would barely end up with a month with my sons.  I always was somehow taken advantage of.  I was always thinking of my sons, and "he" knew it... and "he" would always be thinking of how he could stick it to me, instead of just letting go and let live.  There were also holidays, birthdays and so on that were split and alternated each year.


Even at that moment . . . when I was signing the settlement papers in front of the judge, all the while he was saying that we better be sure of what we were agreeing to, I was unsure of it all but did not want my sons to suffer any more.  Years later, my youngest son asked me why I hadn't fought harder.  O U C H !  All I know is that I did the best I could at the time, especially when I did it all alone.

As I look back, I see myself as being weak.  I had been intimidated and bullied for so long.  My sons' father and his wife would gang up on me.  They would ridicule me.  So many times I would show up at my sons' athletic events and I would be shunned upon.  My sons were not even allowed to come over and say hello to me when they saw me... they would have to ask for permission to come over to me, yet allowed to go anywhere else without a problem.


I remember once at my son's baseball game, I was enjoying the game.  I was watching the game comfortably in a lawn chair, in front of my car... when another mom approached me.  She had asked me who's mom I was, knowing the answer already.  She proceeded to warn me about my son's step-mother.  She told me that the step-mother had been bad mouthing me to several of the mom's there.  "Don't worry honey, I too deal with an evil step-mother and recognized her actions right away.  I want you to know that we would love it for you to sit with us anytime you want."  WOW!  I could not believe what I was hearing.  Someone actually coming to my defense, someone actually "having my back."  I thanked her and continued watching the game from where I was sitting.

to be continued...

Recently, I keep hearing these words said over and over, yet worded a little different each time.  I would like to share my friend's quote with you... 

Surround yourself with people who celebrate who you are, not those who choose to pick you apart.  They don't appreciate the gift you really are, and aren't worthy of your presence anyway.   ~ Denise Matthews Bickers 

Blessings to all!!

69 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 295 ~ My Fight Continues III

Continued from Days 62 & 63...

Ronique "Pepper" Smith and her birth
mom reunited at last   June-2011

Just finished watching this heart wrenching, anything is possible kind of story on Dateline ID, titled Lost and Found.  

This episode was about a woman who had been kidnapped at the age of four and raised by her kidnapper.  Click here for the story on YouTube.  This episode is in a total of six parts on YouTube, this being the first of six. The other five are on YouTube as well.  

Every parent's nightmare, mine including, is the fear of your child being abducted, taken away from you.

I remember the first time my father took my eldest son to his first Los Angles Kings game, he was about 3 or so.  The entire time he was with my father, I prayed that my father would keep an eye on him and not let him out of his sight.  Talk about anxious!  I could not wait for the game to end so I could pick up my baby.

It doesn't matter how old your children are, the concern and worry will always be there.

Today, in a split second, when Calley (5) steps away from me at the market...I become a wreck!!!  Yes, I freak out each time; and each time I kneel down to Calley and praise God and then scold her.  I try to put the fear of God in her.  Tell her that there are bad bad people out there.  I just realized that I always tell her about BAD MEN... I should also tell her that there are BAD WOMEN too. Calley always responds to me so innocently, "Mommy... I was just right there" (pointing to only steps away.)  

Now, even though my boys were not taken away from me in the same way by being abducted, I can sincerely empathize with parents who have had their children taken from them.  

Some may even say, your sons were with their father... you knew where they were.  

Yes.  They are right.  I did know where they were.  However... their father went to unorthodox, evil measures and made up that I had inappropriately touch my younger son (who was three at the time).... Which then caused a horrible domino affect in my life!  A restraining order was put on me to stay away from my children.   To read more about this see Days 62 and 63 for more details.

H O W E V E R. . .  I suffered a loss.  My "mommy" strings were cut... my children gone.  

to be continued...

I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me "mommy."  ~author unknown

Blessings to all!!

70 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 63 ~ My Fight Continues!! ... Part Deux

courtesy of Bing images

To answer the question at hand... I WAS VERY STUPID!!  


I was very stupid to think that the man I had married, the man I had loved (and supposedly loved me back), the man I had trusted, the man I bore children to... YES that man... I was stupid to think that I could believe in him and trust him.


One word... HA!


Sooo... I rolled up my sleeves and searched for an attorney that would take my case, after all I was being accused of un-motherly acts!!  


As my attorney and I started to scratch the surface of what was really going on, I found out that I needed to get a Guardian Ad Litem (A guardian ad litem is a guardian appointed by a court to protect the interests of a minor or incompetent in a particular matter.)

A G.A.L. was appointed by the court and before the ink could dry... I made the "call" to her to get the ball rolling immediately.  However, it wasn't that easy.  There were hoops to jump through and obstacles to go around.

Before the G.A.L. would even see me, she stated that I had to take a lie detector test.  So the G.A.L. gave me the number of a specialist, and I called her only to find out that my appointment would not be for another six months!  YES SIX MONTHS!!!  My heart sank!!  

courtesy of Bing images

When I made my appointment I found out that not only would I have to take a lie detector test, but I also had to take an MMPI test (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory test -  is the most frequently used personality test in the mental health fields. This assessment, or test, was designed to help identify personal, social, and behavioral problems in psychiatric patients. The test helps provide relevant information to aid in problem identification, diagnosis, and treatment planning for the patient) along with another test... both tests took me nearly four hours to take.  


Let me explain a little more... it wasn't the actual tests... or was it?  My person, my ability to be a mother, who I was and who I am was being questioned... and on top of it all... until the tests were taken and the results were read, I could not see my boys!!!  I was guilty until proven innocent.

courtesy of Bing images

The results were finally in... I was honest and I was normal.  I passed all tests.  When it was all said and done... it took NINE MONTHS!!!

courtesy of Bing images

The most heart wrenching part of it all was that at one point during the nine month ordeal, probably five or six months into it, I went to McDonald's for a bite to eat and was stopped dead in my tracks!!!  My boys were inside eating with the "new" step mother.  


YES... the "man" didn't even wait for the sheets to cool off or the ink to dry on "our" divorce papers.  Gee... how did that happen?  Had he been cheating on me with her too?  Who knows... and at this point, frankly WHO CARES!!!  Not me!


I froze!  Then I ran back to my car... and cried for what seemed forever!  

to be continued...  


Revised March 29, 2012...  this has been a little more difficult to share than what I once thought...  Therefore... please see Day 295 for the continuation of my loss.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.   Elizabeth Stone

Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.   H. Jackson Brown, Jr. 

Blessings to all!!

302 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 51 ~ My Dream Team Continues to Grow with Angels!

courtesy of Bing images

Life has given me ups, downs and in-betweens, that's for sure.  But the thing I am most grateful for, has been the "Angels" that have been placed in my life!

I have had my struggles with family, which I am sure that that will be endless... however, one constant, has been my friends, or rather what I like to refer to as my "Angels" on my "Dream Team"!

It may have not been apparent at the time, and the world may have felt as it was ending... BUT as I look back, I have always had my "Angels" by my side.

I mentioned that through my blogging, my desire is to be able to help someone else through my experiences... which in turn in my eyes would have made it worth it having gone through what I did.  All the days and nights that I spent in fetal position, all the tears shed, all the moments longing for my children... ALL OF IT WOULD BE WORTH IT if I can spare someone else from going through it.

courtesy of Bing images

Life has a funny way of doing things... a funny way of putting something or SOMEONE in your path of life...

Monday, when Dean, Calley and I were headed to the beach, we were indecisive as to where we wanted to go... so we just went where our feet took us...

Before I knew it, I spent my day not only with my family, but with a new Angel in my life!!  Alysia.  Not only that, but as we talked and shared, I discovered that we were meant to meet!  You see, she is going through a horrible divorce from a controlling man, who wants to take her children from her!  As I shared my story with her, as well as my blog, it was as if the heavens opened up and was shinning on us both!  Seriously!!  

I do not want to get too personal with her story, and I do not know if you want to call it fate, us meeting that is... however, I certainly think so and sincerely hope that I can help her fight and not give up.  

For a mother, it is second nature to put our children's needs before our own, and with that said, we need to do what is right for them, even if it takes a lifetime.  Believe me you never want to hear the words... "why didn't you fight harder for me?!" ... as I did from my Logan.  It broke my heart!  and I thought I fought... I just saw how tired their little faces were of all the court dates, counseling, etc... but I should have gone to trial!  "Shoulda, coulda, woulda!!!"

Alysia, was not the only "Angel" placed in my path this week...

Last night I had the most amazing night at one of my dearest "Dream Team" Angels... :)   Talk about a house full of angels... Jeannie has been a part of my life for twenty-five years now!!  We met as neighbors, and not only that but we were pregnant with our first borns... who ultimately were born nine days apart!!

Jeannie, has seen me get knocked down (figuratively speaking), and witnessed my marriage to my sons' father... she even socked him in the stomach once!  Got him good too!!!

Prior to my heading over to her home, I received a text from her asking if it was ok to have one of her many children over too because she herself just broke up with her (controlling and verbally abusive man, several years her elder) boyfriend.  I told Jeannie... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Of course not!!!

When we got there... Jeannie shared with me that she thought they were supposed to get together tomorrow night, however my Angel was thinking...  Diana needed to come over TONIGHT!!!  It was meant to be!!!

What an amazing young lady.  Diana is my eldest son's age, 24, and already has seen the devil, more than once!  (ha ha- just kidding, oh well, maybe not!)  SO sad to see someone so young going through such ugliness in a relationship!  The great thing about it... they did not marry and do not have children together!!!  That definitely is a plus... now, to get all the ugliness out of her and bring her up to the place she should be at!  Hold her head up high, believing in herself and best of all... loving herself!!  

Diana, first of all... you made it through night one!! Major accomplishment!!  and secondly... you have not only Jeannie by your side, but Chelsea & Becki (angels in training!!  heck not!!... they are already Angels... and they're mine too!! - after all their mama is Jeannie!!!)  Be strong and know that you can always count on ALL OF US!

I know I had, and continue to have bad experiences from my marriage to my boys' father... and I never EVER thought I would say this... BUT...

I truly feel blessed for having gone through what I did with my children and their father... today I am a strong woman because of it! It is said that we should embrace our experiences in life, after all, it makes us who we are today!!

I have close friends who nurture me and make me laugh.

I am open to friendship, and I now attract the most wonderful new friends to me.

My circle of friendship continues to grow beyond what I ever expected 

Blessings to all!!

314 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Day 33 ~ Thank you God for My Family! For I Am Truly Blessed.

My days are getting better as they pass.  I feel that I am in a good place right now.  Feeling a family's support is an amazing feeling!!  Not a day goes by that I do not thank God everyday for my family.  I truly feel blessed.

Courtesy of Bing images

It wasn't always like this.  My childhood was a troubled one... after all if you looked up "dysfunctional family" in the dictionary, well there was a picture of my family!! 

I am not joking.  When I got married to my son's father, I had to make a deal with my father to allow my sister at my wedding or my mother could not be invited.  I allowed my sister there, and in the end he renigged~ my mother was not allowed to go!  

When I married, I was just shy of turning twenty-three, and just like any twenty-three year old, I thought I knew everything!!  Which is not the point here, however I just thought I would let you know.   

The point here is that when I married, I thought that my world would change.  I thought my new family was great... the best.  They were nice to me, yet as time went by, I always felt uncomfortable around them.  As if I was not being accepted 100% by them.  What made me think this?  Well my "wonderful" mother-in-law made me feel welcomed by still having a wedding picture hanging of my husband, her son, and his first wife!!! YUP!!  And I would not be surprised if it is still hanging there right now.  I'd have to ask wife number three... Yes, I was wife number two.  It was not as if he was way older than me... he was merely seven months older than me.

Then my son was born and I felt a little acceptance, until my father-in-law passed away.  Then it went downhill from there.  Even after my second son was born, that stupid picture still hung!  

My husband really started cheating on me after his father passed, galavanting and God knows what else, and when I found out, I could not trust him- and he did not care!... well, as he put it...

 it was MY FAULT and my problem if I did not trust him anymore!

Fast forward to a few years ago... it had only been a couple of years since Dean and I were married and we took a trip to spend Christmas with his parents in Texas... We lived in California then... so it may have been around 2005 more or less...

I was sitting at the table talking about my past with my mother-in-law, now technically she is Dean's step-mother, however she is mom.  This in no way is meant to disrespect the memory of his biological mother.  The fact is that she does not treat Dean any different than her own two sons (with Dean's dad,) and has behaved as a "mother" to him... which I witness on a daily basis now.  During our conversation she said more or less the following to me, and it has stuck with me ever since...

What you have experienced is horrible, however, God is now making it up to you now by not giving you one, but two sets of in-laws, two families that love you very much and only good things will happen from now on.

Courtesy of Bing images

You see, both of Dean's parents divorced when he was still a toddler.  Both remarried and have been married for well over thirty years respectively.... 


How blessed am I to have two sets of in-laws that are FANTABULOUS!!!  I AM a part of these families, not just a "daughter-in-law"!  They are "mom" and "dad".  And when I speak of them and refer to them as my mother or father-in-law, well it just sounds very strange to me.  As a result, I know that after meeting them, my eyes opened to how truly dysfunctional my family really was!!


Earlier in 2005 Dean's biological mother passed away, and that was a great loss to me, as it was to everyone... for the three years that I knew her, she became by best friend!   We used to instant message every day, so much so that I would get in trouble at work because of it, even though I was still getting my work done.  One of my best memories of us, is that every Saturday I'd get up early, drive forty minutes to be in Malibu by 7:30am and we would do garage sales!

Courtesy of Bing images

I love and miss you so much Sally!!


Today, Dean and I have been married for over eight years, and just like any other marriage, we have had our ups and downs... however one thing has always been consistent... how wonderful he treats me and how wonderful his family is to me.


I am blessed to be a part of two most amazing families.  Let me tell you that they prove it to me on a daily basis!!


Thank you God!!  Thank you!!

Moreover, when God gives someone wealth and possessions, and the ability to enjoy them, to accept their lot and be happy in their toil—this is a gift of God.  Ecclesiastes 5:19

Blessings to all!

332 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.