Day 342 ~ Keep My Head Above Water (Trying to)

The last two days have been unbearable!!  I am really trying hard to keep my head above water and in the positive...

However...

It is easier said than done!!

The fact that I heard from one out of two sons on Mother's Day, is heart wrenching.  

Most of you are probably thinking I should be thankful... and you are probably right... 

however...

My eldest son has purposely forgotten most of his past, times with me included [I'd call it a defense mechanism~ it hurts non the less... and then 

If it wasn't for my overhearing my daughter (5) telling her father she wanted to get me something... then possibly this holiday would not have been so difficult.

Let me back up...

Right before my birthday (22nd of March), my aunt told me that my mother no longer wanted to talk to me because I yell at her.    

Let me clarify this... The last time I spoke to her I was upset that she did not take the time out for my daughter and I told her so... and mind you all the while I am trying to tell her that my daughter is upset that she does not hear from her abuelita (grandma in Spanish), all the while my mother is talking [louder] over me.  {She has always done this... she does not wait for you to finish what you are saying and speaks over you}  

Where I come from, this is called interrupting... needless to say one should wait for the other person to finish before you respond... but, not with her!

I have shared with you of her OCD, etc... so we are not dealing with a person of sound mind.

So... When my aunt told me that she could not talk to me... I figured that "it" was over.  I am done setting myself up and trying to reach out to a woman whose priorities are nothing like yours or mine.

At this point... you may be thinking... 'well, you do have a daughter?'... 

Sorry... we can't go there because Calley is 5 and has to count on her dad for these things...

and without throwing him under the bus I can not reiterate on the matter.

SOOOOOO..... the last two days have been HEART WRENCHING!

Unless you have children and have had them taken from you.... I'm sorry, but you can not really relate.

The last two days, especially today, have been spent on my trying to stay above water... 

Not only that... but I have been trying to save all that I have accomplished in the last year, as far as my healing process goes.

I am trying so hard to be strong... I am trying hard to be positive... I am trying so hard to be happy... 

But to no avail... it seems as if its not working.  

I am not trying to be negative... BUT after your children have been taken from you, put against you, and with this comes no calls on your birthday or mother's day or Christmas or anything else...

All I can say is this commercialization of all these holidays SUCK!  

No different than the single person on Valentine's Day.  (I'm sure that may have clarified it for  some of you.)

Then I get these 'feel better' wishes from people {with children} that have never had their children taken away from them, or from people that do not have children. 

Sorry... but you can not possibly know what I am going through...

I feel so alone.  No where to go.  

Peace,  (trying to find...)

23 days to go...  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 341 ~ We only Get One Chance...

I have to be honest here {as I'm not already- whiny sarcasm] Mother's Day is not an easy holiday for me.  There I said it.  You wanted me to say it and I did.  

Between having a mother that shows no interest and wrinkles in my relationship with my sons... not a good holiday for me.

Every year I look forward to Mother's Day with faith, prayer and hope that this will be the year that I won't have drama... meaning I'll hear from both my boys.  [In the last five years it's either been none or one or the other... never both.]

Regardless of my sons, I do have a little girl to think about.  A little girl that looks up to me and hangs on every word I say.  [and] Quite frankly I do not want to ruin her life too.  After all, I was reminded today something that I had learned long ago...we only get one chance.

One wrong turn, one bad choice, one thoughtless plan... and there's no going back.  I am not saying that I made a wrong turn, a bad choice or whatever... life sometimes takes control and just happens.

When life happens it affects us... whether its job loss, divorce or a move... it affects us.  Now if it affects us, can you imagine what if does to our children?

So I am writing this to remind us all, that there are life's happenings that God controls ... then there are life's happenings to which God has left for us to control... one piece of advice...we must do so wisely.. 

Why?

Because...

... we only get one chance at this life we are living.

... we only get one chance at raising our children.

No do-overs.  (As Simon Cowell used to say on American Idol...)   S o r r y.

Even small children are known by their actions, so is their conduct really pure and upright?  ~Proverbs 20:11

Peace,

24 days to go...  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 340 ~ To Our Moms

Today Calley and I were finishing off my mom's (mil) Mother's Day gift that Calley had painted for her, and we decided to included a bible verse.

Thanks to my friend... who brought it to my attention early in our search... we chose a verse in Proverbs.

But before I share it with you, once again I am keeping tonight's post short {and will let loose tomorrow night-  LOL!}...  I just wanted to say that I sincerely hope all our beautiful moms had a beautiful peaceful day, with all their loved ones by their sides.

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.  Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:  

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."  

~ Proverbs 31:26-29

Blessings,

25 days to go...  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 339 ~ Happy Mother's Day

Today... I wanted to keep it simple.  

The last couple of days have been a little too "deep" for  me... and if I feel that way, I can only imagine how you feel.  hahaha  [ attempt at humor ;) ]

I do want to wish all the mamas out there that are blessed to be called "mom", "mommy", "mother" or just plain "a"...

Happy Mother's Day !

May your day be filled with joy, love and happiness... best of all... may you be 

surrounded by all those you love... especially your children. 

Love is patient; love is kind. Love is not jealous; is not proud; is not conceited; does not act foolishly; is not selfish; is not easily provoked to anger; keeps no record of wrongs; takes no pleasure in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. ~I Corinthians 13:4-7

Blessings,

26 days to go...  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 337 ~ As A Daughter...

With Mother's Day {basically} being a couple of days away... it has definitely got me thinking about my mother lately.

Having said that... my hurt and resentment towards my mother is because of her  lack of effort to not only be a part of my life, but my daughter's too... and having made poor decisions on my behalf during my childhood.  Or is it more because I did want her in my life?  

Any way you look at it, she and her illness (or visa versa) has pushed me away.

Or is it more that I stayed away {for my own sanity} to keep me out of the equation.  If I am not there, then I am not there to be hurt. 

I have grown to think that she has lived with my sister all these years (or rather my sister has always lived with her) because they understand each other.  

I have no childhood memories of my mother between the ages of 4 and 8 or so... then everything is very sporadic, very here and there... every so often.  No memories of stories read or boo boos kissed.  No games or fun.  Sad.

My mother having OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and depression (and God knows what else she keeps from me).  My sister not only is Bipolar and ill (ill, due to poor judgement), she also has a history of making poor decisions herself and because of it all has always depended on my mother {to bail her out}.

I noticed it more after my most recent falling out with my sister at Christmas, my mother stopped calling me as well.

This is not right.  This is not healthy.  This is not healthy not only for my sanity, but for my daughter's as well.  This is not right on so many levels.

I really hope Calley forgets this all one day, including my fight with my sister when she was here.  It was ugly.  It was ghetto!  SO embarrassing to have allowed it to get so outrageous!  It was very verbal and very loud.

As a daughter it hurts when your mother, who is getting up in age, has no interest of being a part of your life and you know that one day you (me) will have to deal with that final loss.  BTW  I have asked her so many times to live with me in the last ten years, with my husband's blessing.

As a daughter it hurts {not as much as it used to} when you see, read or hear of other moms with their children.  And it doesn't matter how old the kids are.  They can be five or thirty-five... seeing what they have and what I don't... hurts a little.

As a daughter, "having" a mother mentally absent since I was five,  physically not around since I was nine, and off and on between twelve and eighteen... and then maybe here and there after that... and never being a constant... never being there for my milestones... hurts a little (lot).

I say it all "hurts a little" because I can no longer allow it to hurt and burden me.  I did nothing wrong.  It is who she is.  That's all.   ...and I got a bum number....that's all.

As a daughter, I need to accept all of this for what it is.  {Accept the hand that has been dealt to me.}  


What is it?   Hell... I don't know!  lol!  


All I do know is that I did not do anything to merit not having a "great mother".  I know I have always tried to be a good daughter (only to be turned away.)  


It's okay.  Makes me want to be a better person. 


Now...

As a daughter... now a mother... I will do my utmost best and beyond to be the best mom my kids could have... at any age... and above all... always be there for them {at any age} when they need me.   They will always be able to count on me.

A mother's love liberates.   ~ Maya Angelou\

Blessings,

28 days to go...  {woowww!}  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012