Day 414 ~ #7 of My 30 Days of Truth...

My 30 Days of Truth challenge   I will admit that I changed one question and changed a few curse words... other than that the challenge is intact. 

Day 7: Someone who has made your life living for.

Having given this much thought... I would have to say my children. 


For many years my sons gave me strength... they were and still are my reasons to live.


However I have to add that in more recent years, five and a half to be exact... I have to say that my daughter Calley has been my saving grace.


Seems that my relationship with my sons has, for a lack of a better description- has seen its better days.  I constantly have to work at it and not give up on them.  I do want to say that my eldest and I are working on reconstruct... no not reconstruct, but rebuilding our relationship.


So as I was saying, Calley has been my saving grace... because without her I don't know how I would have managed my lack of a relationship with my sons.


Finally, with my husband at my side... well let's say anyone {else} in their right mind would have left me years ago!  LOL!  In all honesty Dean has had to see me go through a lot of pain... and I thank God everyday for him.


I thank God everyday for my husband and my children.

what's next? ...

Day 01 : Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 : Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 : Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 : Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 : Something you hope you never have to do. 

Day 07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you horribly.
Day 09 : Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 : Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you've tried living without it.
Day 16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 : Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 : What do you think of religion?  Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 : Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 : (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 : Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 : Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 : Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 : What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 : Name a decision you made that caused a chain of events that would not have happened if it wasn't for that decision.
Day 29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Hey if you want to join along... well let me know in a comment and I'll visit your challenge each day.  We could even link up our blogs.  wink, wink.  No.. seriously we could.

Here's to my 30 Days of Truth challenge!

I am second.

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright Laws apply.

Day 337 ~ As A Daughter...

With Mother's Day {basically} being a couple of days away... it has definitely got me thinking about my mother lately.

Having said that... my hurt and resentment towards my mother is because of her  lack of effort to not only be a part of my life, but my daughter's too... and having made poor decisions on my behalf during my childhood.  Or is it more because I did want her in my life?  

Any way you look at it, she and her illness (or visa versa) has pushed me away.

Or is it more that I stayed away {for my own sanity} to keep me out of the equation.  If I am not there, then I am not there to be hurt. 

I have grown to think that she has lived with my sister all these years (or rather my sister has always lived with her) because they understand each other.  

I have no childhood memories of my mother between the ages of 4 and 8 or so... then everything is very sporadic, very here and there... every so often.  No memories of stories read or boo boos kissed.  No games or fun.  Sad.

My mother having OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and depression (and God knows what else she keeps from me).  My sister not only is Bipolar and ill (ill, due to poor judgement), she also has a history of making poor decisions herself and because of it all has always depended on my mother {to bail her out}.

I noticed it more after my most recent falling out with my sister at Christmas, my mother stopped calling me as well.

This is not right.  This is not healthy.  This is not healthy not only for my sanity, but for my daughter's as well.  This is not right on so many levels.

I really hope Calley forgets this all one day, including my fight with my sister when she was here.  It was ugly.  It was ghetto!  SO embarrassing to have allowed it to get so outrageous!  It was very verbal and very loud.

As a daughter it hurts when your mother, who is getting up in age, has no interest of being a part of your life and you know that one day you (me) will have to deal with that final loss.  BTW  I have asked her so many times to live with me in the last ten years, with my husband's blessing.

As a daughter it hurts {not as much as it used to} when you see, read or hear of other moms with their children.  And it doesn't matter how old the kids are.  They can be five or thirty-five... seeing what they have and what I don't... hurts a little.

As a daughter, "having" a mother mentally absent since I was five,  physically not around since I was nine, and off and on between twelve and eighteen... and then maybe here and there after that... and never being a constant... never being there for my milestones... hurts a little (lot).

I say it all "hurts a little" because I can no longer allow it to hurt and burden me.  I did nothing wrong.  It is who she is.  That's all.   ...and I got a bum number....that's all.

As a daughter, I need to accept all of this for what it is.  {Accept the hand that has been dealt to me.}  


What is it?   Hell... I don't know!  lol!  


All I do know is that I did not do anything to merit not having a "great mother".  I know I have always tried to be a good daughter (only to be turned away.)  


It's okay.  Makes me want to be a better person. 


Now...

As a daughter... now a mother... I will do my utmost best and beyond to be the best mom my kids could have... at any age... and above all... always be there for them {at any age} when they need me.   They will always be able to count on me.

A mother's love liberates.   ~ Maya Angelou\

Blessings,

28 days to go...  {woowww!}  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 258 ~ Finding "Good" in the Past

Today I spent most of my day on an emotional roller coaster... some brief moments of sadness and other moments filled with gratitude.  I mean very brief moments of sadness... the moment something would come to mind, you would find me shaking it off the next.

My youngest son has been on my mind lately, more so than just being in my daily prayers... in two days, Thursday, the 23rd of February, will be his twenty-first birthday.  

Needless to say, "my life" of twenty-one years ago was on my mind today.

In his twenty- one years, my son has been through an emotional roller coaster himself.  All the unnecessary trials and tribulations that his father's divorce from me was putting our family through, were not ones that a child needs to witness.  Which is not what I wanted his childhood to be about.  

What certainly does not help how I feel is that for the past nine months, and nearly two years before that... my son and my relationship has not been what it should be...  I will not give up on how I want my life to be... which includes all my children in it... never.

So... the moment a memory would come to mind, a sad thought, I would think of a positive counter-thought... and that would be the end of that.

I needed to remind myself that was the past.  And what about the "past'?!  We can not do anything about it.  It is in the past!  Rather than turning my back on the past and completely putting it out of mind, I find the good in it, learn from it, and realize that those experiences have made me... and made me stronger.

Though twenty-one years ago I was going through some trials and tribulations myself, (marriage was already very unsteady and rocky) God literally blessed me with my son... and for that I will climb the highest mountains... go through trials and tribulations... I would do it all over again!

I love you son... to the moon and stars above!

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.  ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Blessings to all!!

107 days to go...

PS... for a, l and c.  You are my sunshine(s).

Some images courtesy of google images.  Others are marked accordingly, and are property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back Life ~ Making It My Own, this blog.   All U.S Copyright laws apply.   ©

Day 178 ~ Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Mo

Okay this is really eerie...

This afternoon I am having lunch with Calley and out of the blue she starts this conversation with me...

Calley

Calley...  "Mommy, are my babies in heaven?"

 Me...  I hesitate for a split second, "Yes."

 Calley...  "I am going to have three babies.  A girl, a boy and a girl.

Me...  "Really?"

 Calley...  "I want to have them in my tummy all at the same time too.  Mommy, how do I have three babies at one time?"

Me...  I thought to myself... Oh my gosh... where is this coming from? I then found myself scrambling to answer the question in such a way we could quickly move on to something else without her noticing,  "Well honey, it will highly be doubtful that you will be able to do that being that multiple births are not common in our family."

Calley...  quickly interrupting me on to ask, "Why?"

 Me...  "Well honey, this is a very complicated subject for you to understand right now, but in a few years you can ask me again and we'll see how I can explain it to you so that you can understand.  But... what do you have to do before you can have babies?"

Calley...  "I have to go to college and get smart.  Then I will meet a good man like daddy and then do I do eenie, meenie, minie, mo?"  

Me...  "Calley, you crack me up.  NOooo...  You have to get to know him for a while.  You ask questions and get to know him to make sure you really like him.

Calley...  "That's right!  Okay mommy."  She shouted, as she ran off to play. 

That conversation was nearly painless!

First off... My heart started beating twice as fast as I scrambled to answer her, and so then I just opened my mouth and the words finally flowed out.  I hope I am always this lucky with my responses.  I hope Calley will always react so innocently and sweetly after getting my responses to those difficult questions in the future.   

Secondly, I'm sure you are all wondering where in the world Calley got the "heaven" reference from.  Well...  When Calley and I are looking through old pictures of Dean and I (those before Calley was born,) she once asked why she wasn't in the pictures with us and where she was.  At first I thought it would be as simple as just replying. "Well sweetheart, you weren't born yet."

Calley would argue with me, while I would struggle to explain to her that she simply was not born yet.  Then finally, it was like the water parted!  (just kidding, although it felt that way.)  I told her that she was with Jesus in heaven, waiting for daddy and I to be ready for her arrival.  

Her face all of a sudden was taken over with relief, and she said "Oh! I was with Jesus!"  She said it with such acceptance and understanding... as if all of a sudden everything was right with her world.  Then she ran off to play.

Once our conversation was over, I just sat there bewildered.  I was left in awe.  After all, she does not use the internet and does not read my blog!  

I told you it was eerie!

It is only in sorrow bad weather masters us; in joy we face the storm and defy it. ~ Amelia Barr

Blessings to all!!

187 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 173 ~ Kissing Boo Boos

Calley and I

I was reminded today of the important role I hold as being a mother, or rather a "mommy" as I was often called today.

My sweet little girl had a rough night last night having been up most of it with a horrible "barking" like cough, accompanied by a bad sore throat... which only translates to my being up most of the night as well.  

There's nothing worse than witnessing your baby not feeling well, except not being able to do much about it other than to let the little "virus" run its course.  At least that is what her doctor told us after having spent nearly a couple of hours at his office.  Oh... and that Calley will get worse in the next three days before she will get better.  (big sad face)

The great part of all of this is that this is the first time this school year that Calley has gotten sick.  You see, last year, and the year before that, she had such severe allergies that she was once hospitalized... and she also develops asthma from her allergies.  Last year alone she missed 62 days of school!

This year Dean and I decided to keep Calley home... the result... she has not had any asthma flare ups thus far this school year!!  YAY!! 

I will leave this subject as is in hopes to not jinx the situation.

However, I will say that I did enjoy the slower pace today... too bad it was at the expense of Calley getting sick for me to enjoy her "slower" pace... she snuggled up to me all the while requiring many hugs and many kisses, especially on the "boo boos."  Funny how I can finally keep up with her when she is sick.

It is times like these that I really miss not having been there for my sons when they needed me most.

A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.

~  Agatha Christie

Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? What's that suppose to mean? In my heart it don't mean a thing.  ~ Toni Morrison 

I am thankful for the privilege of being a mommy.

Blessings to all!!

192 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 120 ~ Seventy Times Seven Times

All my life I have struggled making friends...  When I was little, about five, it seemed as if I didn't fit in.  Already I felt like an outcast.... and as I grew older that feeling did not go away.  This was mostly because my last name was not "all american" and I spoke with a slight Spanish accent.  Back in the 70s, let alone the 60s, the Latin population in Los Angeles was barely a tenth of what it is today.


By the time I was ten, my parents had started their "ugly" divorce.  A midst all of the drama and among all of the dust and rubble of what was once our family, there remained my sister, brother and I.  We were all about three years apart, I was the eldest and my brother the youngest, leaving my sister in the middle.


Today, as a mom to three beautiful children, I have learned that my siblings and I had a very unhealthy upbringing.  At a time in life when children should be loved, taught and guided by their parents, we were instead being used as pawns against one another and between our parents.


My eyes fill with tears just at the thought of what we went through and what we witnessed.  If my parents were not fighting, they were putting us in the middle or just not talking at all.


When either one of them would get upset... WHAM-O!  Once the major fighting was over,  all communication would stop.  There wouldn't be any discussions, let alone agreeing to disagree.  This included other family members and friends.  This is how they handled conflict.  


So... as I grew up and became an adult and formed my own relationships with people... can you guess what happens next?  Well you got it!  I learned what I witnessed.  I developed nearly the same way of handling things.  Oh and never mind if you made me mad or did me wrong... my answer was a simple one... I just stopped talking to you and basically crossed you out of my life.  I stopped associating with you.


The last ten years of my life have been very enlightening.  I now witness healthy relationships, discussions and people agreeing to disagree.  I can still be harsh.  However, if I realize after the fact that I acted like a jerk... I am the first to apologize.


Forgiveness... this is a tough one.  Nonetheless, this is something I have been working on.  Forgiving people who have done me wrong has been very difficult for me.  But I have done it.  The "biggie" was forgiving the woman who helped my ex-husband (his newest ex-wife) take my boys from me.  At first they were just words.  I was just going through the motion and seeing where it took me.  However, as time went on I really forgave her.  The surprise of it all was that I felt AWESOME!!!

Today I was reading a pamphlet, by Christopher News Notes, I found among Nana's books, to Calley... the title, "Forgiveness Seventy Times Seven".  As I read on so many things were making sense to me. First off, forgiveness is not a feeling it's  a choice.  Right then I realize that I did make the choice to forgive my ex's ex.  All those times I was not feeling like forgiving... I was way off!


More recently, after nearly twenty-five years of not having a relationship with my sister I made the choice to forgive her.  This one was not easy.  I was reluctant, fearful of becoming vulnerable.  I am struggling with opening up my heart 100% to her because I am scared to get hurt and not have a sister once again.


As I read on [to Calley] I read that forgiveness is taking a risk.  It read on saying that it is making making myself vulnerable.  Some would even say it was foolishness, BUT to renew my commitment to my sister who had betrayed my trust is to trust myself to handle being hurt again.


Forgiveness is...
a decision; showing mercy even when the injury has been deliberate; accepting the person as he is; taking a risk; accepting an apology; a way of living; and choosing to love!


Forgiveness is not... 
sentimental, not condescending, not righteous.  Above all it is not conditional.

Peter asked Jesus, " 'Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother if he wrongs me?  As often as seven times?'  'No,' He replied, 'Not seven times; I say, seventy times seven times'."            ~ Matthew 18:22

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

  

Blessings to all!!

245 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 119 ~ Loving All 'MY' Children!

Addison & I ~ Aug '87

While doing my daily perusing on Facebook, once again inspiration came to me with one of my friend's writings.  It has turned the light on a new perspective of my life... a new understanding if you will...

Mom-  Will go to the end of the world.  Guides.  Sacrifices because she loves.  Prayerful.  Snuggles just because.  Protects.  Makes her babies feel special.  Encourages,  Loves unconditionally.  Listens.  If you had this mom, consider yourself blessed.  If you didn't have this mom, be that mom to your children.

I have been thinking about this off and on today.  What hit home with me the most was...

  ...If you didn't have this mom, be that mom to your children.

Logan & I ~ Feb '92

This is all I have ever wanted for my children.  

I have done it with my boys until the rug was pulled right from under me.  I will continue to keep them in my prayers and in my thoughts until they let me back in... and I will do so and never give up on them.

Meanwhile back at the ranch... (and no I do not have a ranch for those of you not familiar with American idioms...lol)... I do have have this little beautiful little girl.  Full of love and life.  Curious and courageous.  A girly-girl one moment and then the next picking up a beetle.  So caring and nurturing.  Whom recently discovered telling jokes!

Calley (running to my side laughing hysterically):  Mommy, Mommy... I have a joke... it is so funny!  What do you call a bear with no shoes? 

Me:  What honey?  What do they call a bear without shoes? 

Calley (yells it out really loud):  BEAR FOOT!! ... get it mommy?  bear foot!!  It's so hysterical mommy!!!

I could not believe how hard she was laughing...  it was so funny watching her react to it all ... next thing I knew I was laughing so hard that tears were coming out of my eyes and my side started hurting!!  Never mind that she sounded so grown up and gestured same.

What did we do next? ... we snuggled for no particular reason!!

Calley & I ~ Sept '07

Calley:  Mommy? 

Me:  yes?   

Calley:  I love you so much!

The most beautiful words a mother would ever want to hear!!  It almost makes you forget that she had just gotten into her vitamins, eating them as if they were candies!  Before you ask... her vitamins are kept in the pantry, which has a lock on it (up high)... my lovely daughter gets a chair and opens it herself!

A mother's love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever.    ~  Unknown

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.    ~ Elizabeth Stone 

Son, you outgrew my lap, but never my heart.  ~Author Unknown 

  

Blessings to all!!

246 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 117 ~ R...E...S...P...E...C...T...

Blinking cursor... blinking cursor... blinking cursor... for the last twenty minutes all I have been staring at is the blinking cursor while trying to find some inspiration for tonight's post.

I tell you... all I need to do is turn to facebook... and VOILA!  Presto!  WHAM-O!!  Inspiration!!

When I took a break from the blinking cursor dilemma, I decided to check out what was going on... there was something I read in regards to children, motherhood and life in general that got me thinking... hmmm...  

Why is it, [in general] a "person", whilst in the process of growing up, does not recognize the importance of their parents or the times they should have interacted with them more, until... more often than not, it's too late.  Is it a "right of passage" per say?

When the day comes that a person comes to the realization that they should have been paying more attention to life around them, their parents included... or even perhaps stopping long enough to embrace it all... is that the day that they have "grown up"... ??? 

I don't know if you want to call it a "right of passage" ... better yet, seems more like it's one of "life's cycles" to me.

Whatever you want to call it... there is something to be said for the lack of respect that today's generation shows their elders.  

What does respect have to do with this?   It has everything to do with this... If our children realized what we did for them, it seems that respect would be automatic.  They would practice it, slow down and embrace their parents and family more... with a sense of loyalty in tow as well.   Is it our fault as parents?   ... or ...  Is it the times that we are in?  

This certainly did not occur in my day, let alone in my predecessor's generation or earlier... well... come to think of it... we all used to get beat!  SO did we show our elders respect? ... or was it fear? ... the fear that we would get the "switch", "rod" or "belt"?  (wink, wink~ bringing back any memories?) 

All kidding aside... there is something to be said for having "loving-respect" for your family.  Respect is a funny "thing"... it goes both ways... just as you are selective in handing respect out, the other person can be more so.  

What would happen if you showed your children the same respect you yourself expected?   hmmmm... that would be interesting... 

Probably no greater honor can come to any man than the respect of his colleagues.   ~Cary Grant

The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.    ~  Benjamin Franklin

Each of you must respect your mother and father, and you must observe my Sabbaths. I am the LORD your God.    ~  Leviticus 19:3

Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD.    ~  Leviticus 19:32

 

Blessings to all!!

248 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.