Day 433 ~ #25 of My 30 Days of Truth...

My 30 Days of Truth challenge   I will admit that I changed one question and changed a few curse words... other than that the challenge is intact. 

Day 25: The reason you believe you are still alive today...

There is no question about it... there are two reasons four reasons I believe I am alive today... no questions about it!

1. God
2. My first born
3. My second born
4. My third born

I have to be honest... there have been times in my life... okay I'll give you an example... wink, wink...

How about the time... it was the summer of 1978, just shortly after all the publicity of the Hillside Stranglers. They were killing women of all ages left and right in Southern California... I and another fifteen year old girl decided to hitchhike from the San Fernando Valley (a suburb just north of Los Angeles) to Yosemite... a 310 mile voyage...  All I can say is OH MY G!!  Not only that, but we hitchhiked back too.  My family clueless... 

All I have to say is that God had to have been watching over me! and I hope not to be as clueless as my parents were with me, with my own daughter.

As the years passed I have been faced with many other difficulties and I have to say that all three of my children have watched over me without their knowledge... I would have to definitely say that they have saved my life on more than one occasion.

There have been many difficult circumstances in my life, some that have put me in fetal position too! which have included the loss of my sons by my side.  However... the thought of my children... the visions of their little faces have given me unknown strength to move on and to better myself.

As I sit here and look back at all the crazy things I have done, all I can say is that I am so grateful to still be alive, watch my children grow into wonderful human beings and be able to make a difference.

That's right... I still have to make a difference... help someone in need...


Why are you still alive today?

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile. ~Unknown

Where I've been and where I'm going next...  

Day 01 : Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 : Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 : Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 : Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 : Something you hope you never have to do. 

Day 07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you horribly.

Day 09 : Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 : Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 : Write a letter to a hero that has let you down.

Day 15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you've tried living without it.

Day 16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 : Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 : What do you think of religion?  Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 : Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 : (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 : Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 : Something you wish you had done in your life. 

Day 24 : Make a playlist for someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 : What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 : Name a decision you made that caused a chain of events that would not have happened if it wasn't for that decision.
Day 29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

 Here's to 30 Days of Truth!

I am second.

[here's to you finding your... ]
Peace...

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright Laws apply.

Day 335 ~ The Home Stretch!

WOW!!  Did you see that?  Well I guess you haven't being that you are at the beginning of my post and have not yet read to the end of my post... but you did read the beginning... my title... yes...

D A Y   3 3 5 !!

The "H O M E ~ S T R E T C H!"  

" M Y  H O M E  ~  S T R E T C H ! ! "

It's finally here... my last thirty days of what has turned out to be a one year journey of self discovery and self acceptance.  

This one year journal... was intended for my children {family and friends}... written for them... a way to explain what happened {to me}. hahaha Or at least give them my side of the story.  (that's probably the most honest thing I can say.)

I shared some of my experiences {just some... because the other experiences were just too stupid to mention - that or too embarrassing!  lol!} Actually I shared what I needed to share.

Come to think of it... with some experiences... well let's just say that I did not want to continue with all the negativity.  I grew to understand my truths and who I am {always was}... I hope that my children will see this as well.

I am hoping that then my children {family and friends} will have a better idea of everything in general, and come to their own conclusions.

The more and more I shared a part of me... the more I did this... the more I realized I needed to take control of my life.  

I needed to put a stop to being sad... put a stop to my suffering... put a stop to living my life for the approval of others... stop living my life in the past... and I was tired of it.  I was especially tired of writing about it.

It was time to accept the past for what it was... after all what was I accomplishing with the sadness?  Was it changing anything?  One word..... NO!  

It was time I started 

taking back my life, making it my own!

"... I did not want to continue with all the negativity."  ~Carla Barilá Karam

Blessings,

30 days to go...  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 259 ~ The Night Before Becoming a Mommy

Today I spent most of my day enjoying my children.  I would absolutely love to tell you that I had them all together with me... but regretfully so, that wasn't the case.

Although I did not have my children with me physically today... mentally and spiritually my children are always with me.

I did not want to, nor did I allow myself to think about the fact that my sons are not with me...

Instead, I thought about the first time I saw each one of them for the very first time... making sure that all their fingers and toes were accounted for, and then being the first one to kiss each one of them.  What a blessing.

Tonight I sit here, lovingly thinking about the night before each of my babies were born.  Each time, being just as nervous, no different than the time before, with the exception of  my first one of course... Please bare in mind that all my babies were "c" section babies and I knew when they were going to be born.  With my first baby I had no clue what to expect, and it was very exciting.. but with my other two babies it was a little more nerve racking because I knew what to expect.

The night before my babies were born, I remember there being so much hope and so many promises in the air.  So many uncertainties, so much to look forward too.

Twenty-one years ago tonight, I was scared.  I was a little confused.  Wondering how a mother has enough love for all her children, let along how she loves her children equally.  Wondering where a mother finds so much love?  Will I love my Logan, as much as his brother? 

Once I laid eyes on my baby boy, once I held my baby boy and felt him next to me... I felt at ease.  Uncertainties... no more!  I felt so much love for my baby boy and felt that I could handle anything with him and his brother at my side.  

His big brother?  Well, when he walked into my hospital room to meet his baby brother for the first time... it was as if my baby boy grew over night!  And there I sat with both my boys!

One thing I was not counting on as my role as a mother was the fact that my heart would now be wondering around outside of my body, and that the slightest little threat on my children would make me turn into a crazy woman!  Let alone the unlimited love that I would feel for my three children.  

The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.  ~ 1 Timothy 1:5 (NIV)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7  (NIV)

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.  1 John 3:18 (NIV)

 Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.  ~ Proverbs 23:22 (NIV)

being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience  ~  Colossians 1;11 (NIV)

Blessings to all!!

106 days to go...

PS... for a, l and c.  You are my sunshine(s).

Some images courtesy of google images.  Others are marked accordingly, and are property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back Life ~ Making It My Own, this blog.   All U.S Copyright laws apply.   ©

Day 240 ~ I Am Blessed to be Known As "Mom"...

I am blessed to be known as "mom" to three great people.  I am very proud of the man my twenty-four year old son is becoming, as I am of my twenty-one year old... and rounding up my trio is my little girl, who at the age of five gives attitude like a twenty year old!  wink, wink  No.  Seriously now, she is a blessing in my life.  All three of my children are a blessing in my life.

After a touching conversation with my eldest, I have really come to really understand that no matter how old my children get... they will never stop being my babies.  I love my children even more than the day they were each born ... and that is not to say that I loved them less by comparison..

I am going to take each day as a mom as it comes, savoring each moment that blesses me.  As time has already proven to me, I must treasure all moments good and bad... because before we know it, time comes, time goes, our children grown, our children start a life of their own.

I want to be a better person so one day my children will be proud to say I am their mother.  ~Carla Barila Karam

Blessings to all!!

125 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own... all copyright laws apply.

Day 120 ~ Seventy Times Seven Times

All my life I have struggled making friends...  When I was little, about five, it seemed as if I didn't fit in.  Already I felt like an outcast.... and as I grew older that feeling did not go away.  This was mostly because my last name was not "all american" and I spoke with a slight Spanish accent.  Back in the 70s, let alone the 60s, the Latin population in Los Angeles was barely a tenth of what it is today.


By the time I was ten, my parents had started their "ugly" divorce.  A midst all of the drama and among all of the dust and rubble of what was once our family, there remained my sister, brother and I.  We were all about three years apart, I was the eldest and my brother the youngest, leaving my sister in the middle.


Today, as a mom to three beautiful children, I have learned that my siblings and I had a very unhealthy upbringing.  At a time in life when children should be loved, taught and guided by their parents, we were instead being used as pawns against one another and between our parents.


My eyes fill with tears just at the thought of what we went through and what we witnessed.  If my parents were not fighting, they were putting us in the middle or just not talking at all.


When either one of them would get upset... WHAM-O!  Once the major fighting was over,  all communication would stop.  There wouldn't be any discussions, let alone agreeing to disagree.  This included other family members and friends.  This is how they handled conflict.  


So... as I grew up and became an adult and formed my own relationships with people... can you guess what happens next?  Well you got it!  I learned what I witnessed.  I developed nearly the same way of handling things.  Oh and never mind if you made me mad or did me wrong... my answer was a simple one... I just stopped talking to you and basically crossed you out of my life.  I stopped associating with you.


The last ten years of my life have been very enlightening.  I now witness healthy relationships, discussions and people agreeing to disagree.  I can still be harsh.  However, if I realize after the fact that I acted like a jerk... I am the first to apologize.


Forgiveness... this is a tough one.  Nonetheless, this is something I have been working on.  Forgiving people who have done me wrong has been very difficult for me.  But I have done it.  The "biggie" was forgiving the woman who helped my ex-husband (his newest ex-wife) take my boys from me.  At first they were just words.  I was just going through the motion and seeing where it took me.  However, as time went on I really forgave her.  The surprise of it all was that I felt AWESOME!!!

Today I was reading a pamphlet, by Christopher News Notes, I found among Nana's books, to Calley... the title, "Forgiveness Seventy Times Seven".  As I read on so many things were making sense to me. First off, forgiveness is not a feeling it's  a choice.  Right then I realize that I did make the choice to forgive my ex's ex.  All those times I was not feeling like forgiving... I was way off!


More recently, after nearly twenty-five years of not having a relationship with my sister I made the choice to forgive her.  This one was not easy.  I was reluctant, fearful of becoming vulnerable.  I am struggling with opening up my heart 100% to her because I am scared to get hurt and not have a sister once again.


As I read on [to Calley] I read that forgiveness is taking a risk.  It read on saying that it is making making myself vulnerable.  Some would even say it was foolishness, BUT to renew my commitment to my sister who had betrayed my trust is to trust myself to handle being hurt again.


Forgiveness is...
a decision; showing mercy even when the injury has been deliberate; accepting the person as he is; taking a risk; accepting an apology; a way of living; and choosing to love!


Forgiveness is not... 
sentimental, not condescending, not righteous.  Above all it is not conditional.

Peter asked Jesus, " 'Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother if he wrongs me?  As often as seven times?'  'No,' He replied, 'Not seven times; I say, seventy times seven times'."            ~ Matthew 18:22

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

  

Blessings to all!!

245 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 76 ~ Just In Case I Don't Get A Chance to Tell You...

courtesy of Bing images

Once again, I find myself wondering how to put what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking and above all, the love I feel for not only my children, but my Dino, family and friends ... to words.

There was something that caught my eye on t.v today...  next thing I knew someone was saying with such depth and love, "... we never know when we are going to go... any one of us ... at any time... if we'll ever see each other again..."

With that in mind, I would like to take this opportunity...

courtesy of Bing images

Since the moment I laid eyes on all my children... I am honored to say that I was the first to ever kiss you... and from that moment on... well let's just say that "you had me at Hello..."  Funny... it won't be until they themselves are parents before they really understand how much I love them!  I have no problem waiting.  (big smile)

courtesy of Bing images

As far as my family is concerned... each and every one of them have impacted my life in one way or another.  A bond has grown, without our choosing.  It's been said that "... we can't choose our family."  and then they also say... "...life is like a roller coaster... there's a certain high you're always on... that you don't want to get off." 

I guess you could say that, I would not be who I am without them.

courtesy of Bing images

Then there are my friends... my "Dream Team."  Where do I begin?  ... What I can say, is that... I don't know where I would be without you, let alone, who I would be...  I cherish all our times together and keep them tucked away in my heart.  Each and every one of you have a place in my heart.  I don;t know if you know this... but...you have helped me, with your own strengths, how to grow within myself and as a result I have become stronger as each day goes by.

Above all I thank you for giving me the best gift of all... by believing in me you have helped me believe in myself!  Thank you so much for having "my back"!

I  just wanted to take this time to tell you how much you mean to me... and when the day comes ... when my number is finally called... please... please laugh! YES!! LAUGH!!!  (and have a drink for me  -  BIG smile!!)  I want you to tell stories, go ahead I give you permission to embarrass me!  LOL!!  Finally, please, let my children know of the wonderful times we had together... and while I watch them from above I somehow know that I can count on you to help me with them down here.   

courtesy of Bing images

... as far as Dino... well ... he is such a wonderful person and deserves nothing but happiness... especially for putting up with me all these years!  LOL!!  (big smile)  However.. it would be nice if he missed me "just" a little.  (wink, wink)  - my attempt to being funny, again!

(big BIG heartfelt smile!) 

((((( big BIG HUG )))))

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.  ~Mother Teresa

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

 Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.    ~  Grandma Moses

Blessings to all!!

289 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 75 ~ The Stranger in My Son's Lives... Me

courtesy of Bing images

Back is still out...  (big sad/going stir crazy face)...  basically on bed rest... can't start my new exercise program... and with that the mind starts to go too!! Then I find myself chanting, "positive thoughts, positive thoughts.."  Then thoughts linger and wonder... Then the chants start again, "positive thoughts, positive thoughts..".  And then there's my little girl ... have to make sure she's happy and does not have needs and has a great childhood to remember.

Then, there's my car saga!   Come the 11th of September, it will be a year since we bought both of our cars...  Dean's has been parked at his dad's for several months, and my car... well it is now week no. 22 since my mechanic (the people who sold us both cars) has had my car...  this does not include all the other times he had my car in for repairs two to four weeks at a time... - they have had my car longer than I have!!

courtesy of Bing images

Okay, between you and I ...I am trying to stay positive here.   Being thankful for everything in my life, reading scripture and positive affirmations every day... making each day better than the one before... keeping our goal in sight... and taking one step closer to our goal each day.


I'm also thankful that my sons are [very] slowly coming back into my life.  Although, it continues to be very difficult to mend our relationship(s)... I will not stop until I have my sons back!


I keep in mind that they are men now, twenty-four and twenty respectively.  They are both not only trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives, but they are also starting to make decisions that will pave their paths into their futures.

courtesy of Bing images

What do I want from my sons?  Well that is simple...  I want to be a mother to my sons without obstacles, barriers or psychological poison (head games)... I want to be treated with respect, love... unconditionally... as I want to treat them.   


What I don't want?...  I don't want to be a stranger in their lives anymore.  I am tired of feeling insecure with them.  I feel as if I was walking on eggshells when I speak to them.  Why?  Well, first... don't want to make them mad... and I do not want to go such an extended amount of time without talking to them again.  (two years is a long time not to talk to your children.)


Please, understand one thing... I dug my heels in with my son- it was a matter of principle. ~~The pit of [long distance] parenthood ~~ 



Bottom line...  I am thankful for the time that I have to share a little of me with you!

For what I have received may the Lord make me truly thankful. And more truly for what I have not received.   ~  Storm Jameson

When you come upon a path that brings benefit and happiness to all, follow this course as the moon journeys through the stars. -  Buddha  

 Just for today, no matter where I am going, or what I am doing, or who I am doing it with, it is my intention to focus on the positive.   ~  Lucy MacDonald

Blessings to all!!

290 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 64 ~ "Let's See Where This Goes" Approach ;)

As you may have already noticed I am not continuing with "part tres" of "My Fight Begins" tonight.  

I have thought about this for most of my day today.  Do I want to just write about it all and GET IT OVER WITH... or...do I want to break it up?  Which by doing so, gives me a break on having to re-live it all at once.- However, this method is like removing a band-aid very slowly, making the pain last longer. 

I mentioned in the first part of this series that if my goal is to help some one other than myself with my experiences... then, I have to put it (my story and myself) out there.  

courtesy of Bing images

And even as I sit here writing this, I am still indecisive!

Listen, I have been going through all of this all my life, what's a little longer?  Well. I just want to put it out there and then place it all in a BALLOON! and get it over with!!  I want to lead a positive life, and the sooner I can get it all out, the sooner I can start living!

What's wrong with little bits here and there, with a little POSITIVENESS in between?

courtesy of Bing images

Well that settles it!  I will continue it in a few days... maybe this will be the topic for each Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday or just Tuesday and Thursday, until it's all said and done? ... Or ... Maybe just maybe, I'll get it out there every few days?  How about taking a "let's see where this goes" approach?  

That's it!...

It's settled.  I will continue this series every few days with a "Let's see where this goes" approach.  

With all that said, I would like to let you know that I have been sub-consciously, or maybe even consciously,  dreading the inevitable... sharing my fight for my children.  This even goes back to writing my book.  

I have dragged my feet on this because I knew that I would have to re-live it all ... and not only that ... but I am really putting forth an effort on being positive.  Setting a good example, as you will.  What shakes me up once in a while is the thought of the possibility of Calley, my beautiful little girl, learning negativity from me.

I am not going to lie to you, but there has been a couple of times that I have witnessed Calley doing something negative... where did she get this from?  Well, hellooo! ... ME!!  Oh my gosh!  The last thing I ever want is for Calley to experience is needless negativity.

My wish is for her to be everything I am not!  I wish that she will be strong and self confident.  Approachable, smart and with wonderful self esteem.  I would like her to be whatever she'd like, even if it's something I would not choose for her.  I wish for her to be happy! and most of all to love herself!!

Now, now... I am not trying to be hard on myself, don't forget I am working on myself.  Trying to change negative behavior and thoughts... Just so tired of being down and sad.  I wish all those things for myself and I know that one day I will be all those wonderful things I want for my daughter, and sons for that matter.

courtesy of Bing images

My eldest son just told me this evening that he was going to try out for the Navy Seals tomorrow... so many different feelings and thoughts!  One of which...the last thing I want, is for something to happen to my son!  However, this is something he wants and I am very proud of him for setting such a great goal!!  He has a great outlook... kind of a "let's see what happens" approach.   ;)   

I can tell that he doesn't want to get his hopes up... BUT...  I am his mother and I believe that he can do whatever he sets his mind to... and if it's meant to be, well, I believe that HE WILL BE GREAT AT IT!!  Great things will happen for him!!  

Wonderful things are in store for all my children! and for me and Dean!!

My children are a beautiful reflection of God's love.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”  Dr. Seuss 

Blessings to all!!

301 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.