Day 263 ~ Each Day I Am Thankful for...

I don't know what made me think of this, but I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.  Oh, sure, I do not mind an occasional stay strong, or I could not imagine what you are going through, and possibly a my heart goes out to you.  After all, I know that I am sharing with you some personal thoughts, my trials and tribulations that I have survived, as well as troubled times I may be struggling with at the moment.


My motivation to share all this with you is not for pity, but to get my story in written format for two reasons... one... for my kids, a legacy of sorts... I want them to know who I am, what I did and why, and how I survived... and secondly... I honestly want to get my story out in hopes of helping another mom out there somewhere.  Someone who may be going through her own "troubled" times, or simply in need of a friend.

Even though I do not want people to feel sorry for me, I do not want this coming across as if I don't want your comments.  I love and welcome any and all comments.  Actually, I look for them everyday.  Big smile.  Funny.. I never know whether or not to comment back... so most times I don't, mostly because I don't think anyone comes back to read them... is that weird?  Come to think about it... now that I am writing this, maybe I should start responding.  At least the comments won't seem unappreciated or un-noticed.  I think I am going back and responding to all of them! ;)

I know I am going through a "troubled" time with my son(s)... however, I am also working on staying positive and being grateful for what people I do have in my life.  wink, wink   

After all, I do have you!

Each day I am thankful for nights that turned into mornings... friends that turned into family... dreams that turned into reality... and likes that turned into love.  ~ unknown author

Blessings to all!!

102 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Some images courtesy of Bing images.  Others are marked accordingly, and are property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back Life ~ Making It My Own, this blog.   All U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 262 ~ A Part of Something Great!

As I read over what I wrote last night... I was reminded once more that I am truly blessed to have met all the people I have since I started blogging.  WOW!  Words can't even express how blessed I feel.  

I have received some truly loving, understanding, and supportive comments. As a result of reading other's words, I can't even begin to tell you strength I have gained.  Not only that, but I have met some amazing people, that I now call my friends.

Between my blogging, the wonderful people that are in my life, my blogging family and especially my friends... I am ever so humbled.

I have been shown some acts of kindness, that are unbeknownst to me.  I have never had so many wonderful people on my side.. so many wonderful people love me, I mean really love me... NEVER!!  I have never ever felt so much a part of something, something so great... a sense of belonging.  Never.

I have never felt so loved!

I can't help but feeling forever indebted.   As cheesy as that may sound, I can't help it.  All I know is that if any one of my family members, online or off needs a friend, lending ear, or a shoulder to cry on...  cake (wink, wink)... what I am trying to say, is that you can count on me!

Thank you Jesus!  For my wonderful family!!

I am blessed for the wonderful people that are in my life.  ~ Carla Barila Karam

Blessings to all!!

103 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Some images courtesy of Bing images.  Others are marked accordingly, and are property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back Life ~ Making It My Own, this blog.   All U.S Copyright laws apply.   ©

Day 256 ~ God Took Time Out For My Story

I am realizing more and more that God loves me very much.  Every time I look at the family He took the time out to make for me... 

the wonderful husband, friend and all around wonderful person in Dean...

my three beautiful, healthy, smart... on and on ... children...  (big smile)...

my husband's wonderful parents, brothers, and every other family member I am blessed to have now... 

... I can see the love He has for me,

I have also come to understand that everyone else that comes and goes in and out of my life, contributes a chapter in God's story of my life.

In a sense all the people that have touched my life, whether for a day, a month or a year or more... have left a little of themselves behind in the chapters they contributed.  

I am so blessed to be have a little bit of each and every one of those chapters included in the story of who I am.  

I am truly blessed.

Blessings to all!!

109 days to go...

PS... for a, l and c.  You are my sunshine(s).

Some images courtesy of google images.  Others are marked accordingly, and are property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back Life ~ Making It My Own, this blog.   All U.S Copyright laws apply.   ©

Day 241 ~ ...When I Grew Up...

Friday, October 13, 2006

Me....    "Calley...  when I was a little girl, I would let anyone who asked know that all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mommy."

Calley...    "You didn't want to be a princess?"

Me...    "Being a princess did not matter.  Having a beautiful family and living happily ever after did."

Calley...    "Mommy... you didn't want to be a princess?"

Me...    "No, honey.  Being a princess did not matter to me.  Loving you, Addison and Logan is all that matters to me.  All I ever wanted was to be a mommy, having you, taking care of you, watching you grow, and having you call me mommy.  That's what makes me happy.  and... If I get a chance to wear a beautiful dress and look like a princess... well that's a bonus."

Friday, November 25, 2011

Calley...    "But, mommy... you look like a princess...

Me...    "I love you more than life."

Calley...    "You are my princess."

Me...    "I am blessed."

Calley...    "Mommy, I am blessed too." 

I can not wait to see the woman Calley grows into.  If the person she is at the age of five is any indication... she will grow into an amazing woman.  I am truly blessed.  ~  Carla Barila Karam

  

Blessings to all!!

124 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own... all copyright laws apply.

Day 186 ~ It Will Happen!

Calley my li'l helper,
always on my left 

I feel very blessed that I have Dean and Calley in my life.  I feel blessed that each day gives me the opportunity to show them how much I love them.  Sure I tell them as often as I can that I love them... but what better way to tell your family that you love them than by cleaning their home, doing their laundry, making cookies, and preparing their meals.

I'd say they mean the world to me!  Especially, when I can eventually sit back and admire the fruits of my labor.  (wink, wink)

For as much as I am trying to hold back, I am starting to get excited because I will be having house-guest come stay for the holidays, and then some.  It's not that I do not want to tell you who it is... it is just that I am afraid that if I do tell you, it may not happen.

I know this sounds so weird.  Unfortunately, when it comes to things in my life that I really want to happen and... whether (insert sarcastic tone now) "I put it out there" or not something seems to happen... something spoils it.  After all my "house-guest" has been promising to visit for some time now, and if it wasn't for one thing, it was another, why the visit has not yet happen!  HOWEVER...  Things seem to happen for a reason.  (wink, wink)

The last six months of my life... my life seems to have started to turn around for me.  Either that, or I am just looking at it in a more positive light.  So with that in mind... I am going to allow myself to get a little excited... still holding back the name of my "house guest" as a surprise for all.  A surprise for myself included, because then i can blog about it! ...and it will get interesting!   (wink, wink- hopefully I have not "winked" at you to death!  LOL!) 

courtesy of Bing images

So keeping the last paragraph in mind... in preparation for the possibility of a "future" house-guest... I have been working on my home for the last couple of months- painting, replacing light fixtures, completing small unfinished projects and what not... and in the past week, I have really started cleaning my home from top to bottom, and now with the last minute chores to do and the finishing touches to put in place in the next thirty-eight hours... I am hoping that everything will be just right for my special "house guest."  Keeping in mind that if something does not go the way "I planned it"... it will be okay!   (I am trying to deal with control issues, lol!)


Be careful what you "will" for.  I hope I do not regret this ever.

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree:  the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.  ~Burton Hillis

It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.  ~W.T. Ellis 

Blessings to all!!

179 days to go...

PS... I love and miss you boys.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 127 ~ A Gift From God

Five years ago, a long time wish of mine came true... my daughter was born.

Leading up to this day, I remember several times being at my wits' end... I remember as if it was yesterday... I was crying... praying... to Jesus... feeling as if I had no hope... feeling that my biggest desire would never come true... I remember thinking ...  "I guess this is it... I will never know what it will be to be a mother of a little girl... you know what is best for me dear Lord..."

Before I knew it...

The day came that my daughter would be born... so many things happened that day... first off we were told to be at the hospital by 2:00pm only to find out that my doctor, Dr. Cooper, who also delivered both of my sons... and YES he was still alive... had made a mistake and should have told us to be at the hospital by 6:00pm.  We were given the option to come back the next day... however, Dean and I had decided that in my father's memory, we wanted our little girl to be born on her grandfather's birthday, who had passed away when Mommy was four and a half months pregnant.

Once our little girl was born... our world was complete... Daddy was ever so protective over the both of us... and did not leave us alone that night, not even for a minute.

Daddy had gotten so grouchy... it did not help that the maternity wing was all being re-designed and re-built, under construction.  Therefore, our room did not have the normal amenities that it should have had... all we wanted was a bed or chair for our daddy.

Regardless... as far as we were concerned... we were complete... our family was complete.

Thank you Jesus!

Rejoice with your family in the beautiful land of life!  ~Albert Einstein

Family:  A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.  ~Evan Esar 

You don't choose your family.  They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.  ~Desmond Tutu 

Blessings to all!!

238 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 103 ~ Dimmer Switch Gets A Little Brighter

As the saying goes... Art Imitating Life, or is it Life Imitating Art?  

Why someone would choose to follow a story(ies) for over three decades is beyond me!!  

Oh... I'm sure I am not alone on this... I have been hooked on All My Children, One Life to Live and General Hospital since I was in high school... Hello, my name is Carla and I am a soapaholic!  

In one way or another, I have grown up with these soaps.  I have learned from them and laughed at them... I have gotten mad at them and turned them off for months... only to come back to see that life had not changed... not for them and not for me.

Now after nearly forty-two years, this week is the last week that ABC's All My Children will air on television.  One Life to Live will go off air in January of 2012.  Did find out from one of my friends that both shows will continue online.  After further investigation on my part, both shows were purchased by Prospect Park, which will continue to produce and air the shows online.  That's about as much as I know, now anyways.

Anyway, I mentioned art imitating life or visa-versa... whilst watching AMC today, and balling my eyes, for a good part of the show, with the good-byes starting, and the story lines ending ever so bitter-sweetly... some of the lines spoken whilst looking back on their television lives... took me on the same journey with my own life.

Yes... while walking down memory lane I see that life has taken its swings at me, and then, I have made my own mistakes and a few good choices too...  and in some instances it may have taken me a while, but I have learned from my experiences... both good and bad.

SO... today, as the dimmer switch went on a little higher.  I took a good long look at myself and the dark cloud that has been hovering over me.  Which is the loss and lack of relationship with my sons... I realized that since I lost them nearly eighteen years ago, all my decisions and actions have been based because of this loss, or with this loss hovering above me all the while lingering and darkening my heart.

I wish you could understand it...  how I feel I mean... maybe you do?... loosing my boys was like loosing my life... It wasn't like I lost them to death and that's it... they stop living and you don't have them anymore, except for memories.  They were alive, out there living their lives without me, without their mother... and I do not care what anyone says... a child needs their mother!  [This is with the understanding that we are talking about a good mother.]

Their father did everything in his power to alienate them from me and poison their minds.  I made the mistake of moving back home at a time in my life that I was drinking a lot and felt that I could not allow them to see me in that light... and that maybe being closer to my parents would help since they were getting older themselves.

Something my son said to me the other day when I asked him what if I moved back to the northwest near he and his brother... He reminded me that he has plans, as does his brother, and it would not be like it was when he was twelve... and that if I wanted to do something like that I had to think of myself, do it for myself.  Right then, at that moment, the light went on... I had lost my boys and I would never get them back.  

My sons are gone, and grown... and all I can do now is pray that God will watch over them and guide them, and put a wonderful girl in their paths that will help them do good, live good and be happy.  

The time has come for me to allow myself to mourn the loss of my sons, and with it the hope they would come back to me one day.  That time is gone forever, for now they are men and have their own lives to live.  With that I hope that they always know that my heart and my door will always be open to them when they are ready to know me.

NOW... What I do have is my daughter.  God has given me within her, the opportunity to be the mother she deserves.  I have also been given the opportunity to live up to the mom I was and wanted to be for my sons.  Calley deserves a happy life, the life I always wanted, the life I always wanted to give my boys... I will give it to her.

I also have to be grateful for my husband... for as many lows as I have gone through because of my loss... my ups and downs... probably more downs than anything... he still is beside me.  I love you Dino!

I have given myself permission to mourn the loss of my boys, accept the fact that I will never have them back again, for they are now grown.  I leave the rest in God's hands, along with my faith in him for what he sees me fit to do... which is raise my little girl with all the love she deserves to be raised with.  The rest is as they say... is in His hands.

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.  ~William Shakespeare

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.     ~From the television show The Wonder Years

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown 

Blessings to all!!


262 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.   

Day 91 ~ Paying It Forward

We may have just said good-bye to Nana, however this afternoon we celebrated her life.  There is something to be said about being with family at a time like this... especially the sharing of stories of times gone by.

I can not imagine being in the position of having lost a family member and not having anyone to grieve the loss or celebrate their life.  Must be horrible.

I feel so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people at a time like this... as I am sure they are too, especially since their loss is far greater than mine being that I married into the family.  I think I feel the loss for my mother in law, Gene... meaning I feel her loss.

I may have not known Nana that long, but I know what she means to Gene and the rest of the family.  And knowing that makes me sad.  This is not to say that Nana didn't mean anything to me, because she did.

Uncle Jim, Gene and Nana

All of this speaks volumes about Nana.  Especially knowing the people she raised.  Uncle Jim and Gene are wonderful people, with kind hearts and faith to no ends - to say the least.  All the qualities that were given to them by Nana, have now been given to their own children, and to theirs as well.

Dean spoke very eloquently about Nana today, and said something that has stuck in my mind ever since... "Great parents make great children."  This not only says something about Nana, but it also says something about Uncle Jim and Gene, and the rest of our family.

Thank you Nana!  We will take your teachings with us and pay them forward for generations to come!

Blood makes you related.  Love makes you a family.  ~  Author Unknown

Family:  A link to the past and a bridge to our future.  ~  Author Unknown

You don't choose your family.  They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.  ~Desmond Tutu 

Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family.  ~Anthony Brandt

Blessings to all! 

274 days /  39 weeks to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 90 ~ Saying Good Bye to Nana

Tonight was the first of a two part homage to Frances, better known to her loved ones as Nana.  For such a little lady, she has left big shoes to fill.

It has been an emotional night.  Tomorrow will be the the grave side service... which that in itself will be so final.

So many emotions, which only leads many of us to think of our own mortality.  And being such a nut myself, I have no idea what my family will do with me when it comes to my time.  Why, you ask... well... I do not want to be buried in a coffin... claustrophobic - just the thought of it drives me insane... I know ... you are probably saying, "you will be dead... what will you know?".. I'll know!  and I do not want to be cremated because they have to put you in a box to do so... I know ... you are probably saying, "you will be dead... what will you know?".. I'll know!  

When discussing my dilemma with the family tonight, my solution was to have Dean send me to a taxidermist!  We all laughed!!

Just joking of course.  Actually, I am hoping someone comes up with a new method by the time I go!!  ;)

Seriously now...

Nana, you were an amazing woman!  I know I have learned a lot from you, and I will pass it on to Calley.  We love you!!

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing.  2 Timothy 4:7-8

Blessings to all! 

275 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 86 ~ A Life Well Lived!

After spending most of this week looking, sorting, reminiscing, imagining, and more or less envisioning myself in what remained of Nana's life... hundreds upon hundreds of photographs... I have come to the conclusion that she led an amazing life.

She had fallen in love and married the love of her life at the age of eighteen, and later had two children.  Her husband was in the Army, made a career of it.  After twenty years he retired from Fort Bliss, and continued serving as Deputy Director of the Air Defense School for another thirty years.  To his credit, he would be the one to start and head up the training for the Green Berets.


In order to help support her family, shorty after arriving in El Paso she went to work for a bottling company after convincing the owner she knew how to keep books.  She later went on to become a credit manager of a furniture store and an accounting firm... all the while going to UTEP and becoming one of the first women CPAs in the state of Texas in 1966.  


She later became a credit analyst at the El Paso National Bank, and worked her way up to Assistant Vice President and Credit Manager... handling major accounts all the way.  Eventually she landed at a CPA firm, becoming a partner by 1976.

Frances was very respected in the business world, in a time where women were expected to stay at home.  She was honored by her banking colleagues who elected her the first woman director of the Texas Chapter of the Robert Morris Associates, an arm of the National Association of Bank Loan and Credit officers.  They had to change their bylaws allowing a woman into this prestigious organization.


She managed to do all of this while raising two amazing people.  Let's just say that the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree!


With her petite frame, she not only was quite the lady, but she had a big heart, a faithful spirit and a smile that warmed you heart.  She was just as much part of her grandchildren's life as she was her own children, and was starting on the next generation, her great-grandchildren.


We find comfort knowing that you will now be watching over us, side by side with Grand-dad.  

Here's to you Nana... you truly will be missed!  

It is not length of life, but depth of life.    ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson 

 

Sure God created man before woman.  But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.  ~Author Unknown

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.  ~Charlotte Whitton

 Blessings to all! 

279 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 81 ~ Nana... Thank You For Leading The Way

Today our family gained a new guardian angel.  Rest in peace Nana... you will truly be missed.

Frances ~  daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, widowed wife, mother of two, grandmother of four plus two, plus four, great-grandmother of nine.  First woman CPA for the State of Texas, first woman Vice-President of an El Paso bank.  A petite woman who directed men twice her size.  Full of spunk and wisdom, joy and faith... a woman who stood by her family just as much as she loved them.  A woman full of drive and vision... style and etiquette... and a woman who made sure to pass these traits on to her family.  Jesus was her Savior. 

My mother in law, Gene ~ mom, as I call her, shared the best story about her mom with me today...the best I ever heard...

While away at college, Frances would send her all the latest fashionista magazines.. cosmopolitan, vogue, etc.. each month.. and each month Frances would take the time to circle pictures of outfits she liked, and then the ones she didn't.. she would write little notes on the pictures of those girls who were dressed too provocatively and state something to the effect of it let men know that they had one thing in mind, and it wasn't school!

~   ~   ~

After an emotionally exhausting day... I sit here and take a deep breath... once again I have come face to face with reality and have learned another one of life's lesson...  Seriously, we are here on borrowed time... and what we do with the time is entirely up to us... in the end, our lives are reduced to a mere pile of photographs, which then become the memories to others.  Why not make it count? 

My Mom found following verse handwritten by Frances on a piece of her note paper...

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.     ~  II Timothy 4:7

Blessings to all!!

284 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.