Day 453 ~ My Dreaded Little Secret...

The first time it happened I had been invited to happy hour with a friend ... when I had accepted the invite I was so gun-ho, and could not wait. 

As the day approached, I started wondering where I was going to get the money.  When I accepted the invite I figured I could afford it.  Honestly, I had even wondered if when my friend invited me if she had "invited" me or we were going to meet up and pay for our perspective tabs.

I can not tell you enough how much I hate that feeling.  Not being able to afford a simple invite... a coffee with a friend... or a cocktail at Happy Hour.  Let alone a present for a special someone's birthday... or return a kind gesture to a friend.

Needless to say, as each day got closer, my stomach started to get tight, get tense and knot up.

What did I do?  The "Friday" finally arrived... I called my friend and cancelled.  I told her I was not feeling well.

Over the summer Calley was invited to her "bestest" little friend's (and her sister's) birthday party. Although a year and a couple of months apart, her friends' parents decided to celebrate both girls birthday together.

Only problem was that it was hard enough {in our budget} for us to buy a gift for some"one", but two?  Now-a-days you can not buy a child a reasonable gift under $20-30 without it falling apart or looking cheap.

As the weeks went by and the days approached to Calley's friends' party... again my stomach started to get tight, get tense and knot up.

What do I do?  Do I let them know?  Do we show up without gifts?  Do I risk people looking at us a certain way and take a chance of Calley not being invited to parties in the future?  What a dilemma!  

What did I do?  Well, the ten days leading up to the party Calley was having "issues".  We were put in a position to tell her if she did not behave she was not going to go to her friends' party.

She didn't make the grade.

A couple of days after the party I received a text from her friends' mom... she was wondering if we were okay and if anything happened... they missed us there.  I went as far as asking when I could call and talk so that I may explain what happened... preparing myself to tell "mom" the truth.

I didn't make the call, but "mom" never text me back to let me know when I could call either.

A few weeks ago I met this really great gal at the "Y"... Calley and her children were in swimming lessons together.  

We hit it off!  She was and is an amazing gal- she's a retired Officer from the Navy, served for fifteen years.  Really impressive!! 

She invited Calley to her son's birthday party this past weekend {at a local family fun arcade/park} and then invited me to a girl's night out.

Well... knowing that our budget was very tight I hesitantly accepted the invite... sure I could have said we were busy... but I stumbled over my thoughts and words, and before I knew it I was saying how great it all sounded.

Honestly... I was somewhat hoping that I could confide in her my dreaded little secret...

... We're broke!

It didn't use to be this way.

It's been a "long row to hoe" for us ... trying to get back on our feet these past four years... and it has not been for a lack of effort either!

My husband works very hard at his job... and after he puts in 8 hours in a day there, he then is helping his parents with any repairs they need and trying to get a business with his brother off the ground.  He has at least twelve hour work days.

So... It's not for a lack of trying.

So tell me... what would you do?

For the most part people who are close to us know our predicament... so ... then end result... we don't get invited to many places... or ... the tab is paid for us.  Not a great feeling.  Not at all.  We're very grateful... but I would rather have money in my pockets and get treated out, than lint in them and get invited.  

Pride?  I don't know if it's pride... but it is a little embarrassing or sad having to explain how Dino lost his "great paying" job four years ago. 

However... I am the first to invite family and friends over to our house [in lieu of] and I will cook up a storm for them.  Somehow we can afford that.  Go figure.  Big smile.

I just don't want people to feel sorry for us.  I want to work as a team with people- anything to help... however I do not want them to pity us.

I don't want people to feel sorry for Calley either.  We do provide for her.  We have a sturdy roof over our heads, our utilities all paid, and even can pay for cable.

Calley's tummy is full... and we have manged to put together a beautiful bedroom for her with a closet full of beautiful dresses.

We cook a lot... we do a lot for our church together... and we do a lot for in-laws and spend a lot of time with them as well.  Not to mention that parks and sunsets are free.

So... do you tell people you can not afford to go?  Do you graciously decline and make up an excuse, tell them you're busy that night?  Do you get a "headache" at the last minute? OR...

Do you tell them your dreaded little secret... your budget will not allow for the expense... you're broke?

Tell me... what do you or would you tell them?  What would you like for me to tell you?  The truth?  Do I risk it?  Will you look at us differently?  

But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. ~ 1 Timothy 6:8 (NIV)

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

I am second..

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright Laws apply.

Day 343 ~ It's Hard Work Being Happy...

WoW!  Just one word.. wow.

So this is me picking myself up, and brushing myself off.

These have been a couple of rough days and unbelievably enlightening all the same.  It sucks hurting... however we can't... or rather, I can't allow the sadness and pain that I feel (for my losses) to take over who I am and the happiness I am trying to build.

Today I spent the better part of my day re-cooping and talking to a very dear friend of mine.  We met when we were both pregnant with our first borns... who were born a week apart.  {and} we've been friends ever since.

Having shared that with you~ it's only a given that she has seen the highs and lows of the last twenty-five years of my life.  She has even gone to battle for me.  wink, wink. Literally.  {and} More or less I to her.

Have you ever been in a dark place (sad) and your phone has rung... you look at it and then ignore the call?  There is no way that you feel like talking to anyone... however talking to someone is the best thing you can do.

Listen, you don't have to convince me ... the last thing I wanted to do is answer my phone... however knowing that the other person on the line knew everything that had happened to me.  Meaning I did not have to stop to explain... she just knew... made it a little easier to answer.

 

I knew that my "sister from another mister" was just the person to talk to.  Not having a traditional family, I have always looked to my friends and their families for advice and life's lessons... and well let's just say that my friend was someone to look to.  She is a wonderful, funny and all 'round great person!

As a side note... there were other great people that reached out to me today.  and if you called, please, please do not be offended if I did not pick up.  The fact that you reached out to me means the world to me.  I will not forget your caring.

So... needless to say after three hours, thirteen minutes and twenty-three seconds I was able to "stop my sobbing" {as the Pretenders would say}... wipe off the tears... catch my breath... and regroup.  [and yes, you read it right, we talked for three hours, thirteen minutes and twenty-three seconds]

I wanted to share some of my sweet friend's wise words [that helped me pick myself up]... "it's hard work being happy." and "sometimes you need to take time off to be sad... and that's okay."  ... "it's okay to be sad".

So... it's back to work for me.  Back to working on being happy.

It's hard work being happy.  ~Jeannie Nohles Ellis

(here's to you finding your...)

 Peace,  

22 days to go...  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 282 ~ Social Networking Has Its Good Side

After the last few days I have had, today was for recuperation, realization, relaxation and rejuvenation!  For some reason I found that funny!  Oh how do I come up with these things!  

If you saw my day, you'd probably laugh too.  

Actually, it wasn't bad.  As I mentioned last night... I have received quite a few comments in the past few days.  Having said that... I am surrounded not only by some amazing role models, but some amazing friends.  Most of which I have met online.

My darling mother in law, or mom as I affectionately call her... made a derogatory remark to someone we were talking to regarding facebook, blogging and social networks in general.  I was in shock to say the least, yet we were not in a position to talk about it.  Boy, if she only knew how many social networks I belong too, she would probably shake her head at me.  :)   

[as a side note, growing up when my father went through wives numbers two, three and four, I was NEVER able to call any of them mom.  I tried once and felt uncomfortable, rather forced...I have never felt so comfortable calling anyone mom.]

In all my years in the computer industry, decades really, on more than one occasion I have come across people who do not like computers, change or modern technology in general.  Some people just do not like change and do not trust the internet, not to mention that they also think that computers are smarter than people.  Well maybe in some cases!  haha  Actually, they are not!  People made computers and can control them.

Anyways... I have shared with my mom how I feel about blogging and what it has done for me.  Not to mention all the friends I have rekindled relationships with, as well as my family in other continents that I am able to communicate like never in my life!  Then there are the new friends I have made.

Don't get me wrong.. if anyone understands internet safety, it's me.  It hasn't been until recently that I have really put myself out there and it is to promote my blogs.  

The point I want to make is that I have met some quality people online.  I have met great new friends and have developed bonds with them. Granted you just don't start chatting with just anyone... it just sort of happens as time goes by.

My friend I spoke to you about last night... I met her on Farm Town a game app on facebook, a couple of years ago.  Granted we have chatted off and on during this time, however it really wasn't until yesterday that we became even closer.  Bare in mind that our relationship has developed over time... and I wouldn't trade this experience for the world.

The younger generation hasn't benefited from facebook like myself (just had my 30th high school reunion last summer), or someone that been out of school or out of touch for some time.  For example my younger sister in law and two brother in laws, two of their ten year reunions are coming up and facebook has been open to the public for at least six of those years... therefore they didn't even get a chance to miss their friends.

Don't get me wrong... history shows that facebook is notorious for changing security settings without letting their users know... I have made it a habit to check my settings every other week or so.  And there are WACKOS out there... I try to take precautions, especially with my blogs.

So to my online family and friends on facebook and voiceBoks... thank you for your inspiring, motivating and encouraging words.  I take all your comments to heart and heavy thought.  I can't tell you how much your words continue to hug and help me.  My Dream Team continues to grow and get stronger!  

Not that I did not appreciate all my comments equally, because I did... but these really stuck in my mind and have been following me around for the past few days...

I used to have a poster in my counseling office (for me and the kids) that said "what would you do if you knew you would not fail?" Maybe your birthday present to yourself could be answering that very question. on Day 279 ~ Something's Gotta Give   Left by Perspective Parenting

Hang in there Carla! I guess this is just one of those 'emo moments'... Don't worry, you'll get your groove back. I know you will! :) on Day 280 ~ No Sugar Coating Here!   Left by Czjai Reyes-Ocampo

Hang in there xoxox One thing that we can be sure of is change - nothing stays the same. Things might be rough now but there is some sun shine waiting for you around the corner. Continue to be a good role model to your kids and a wonderful friend to others, but remember to take time for yourself to recharge xoxo Leigh @oneandoneequalstwinfun.com on Day 281 ~ Doing Our Share

As simple as these words may come across to some of you, to me... they have me looking at the light of the end of the tunnel.  By the way, these ladies are great bloggers... if you have a chance take a moment, click on the links and visit their amazing blogs!  When I read the quote "what would you do if you knew you would not fail?" three days ago... well let's just say I have been nusy thinking!

What would you do if you knew you would not fail?   ~ Robert H. Schuller  

Dedicated to all my friends, My Dream Team.  Thank  you for all your heartfelt words.

Blessings to all!!

83 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Some images courtesy of google and bing images.  U.S Copyright laws may apply.  ©

Day 281 ~ Doing Our Share

I wanted to start tonight's post by saying that I really sincerely am grateful to all the kind comments I received on my post yesterday.  Honestly.. I am not sharing the way I feel to get your attention.  No one implied that either.  I am just trying to figure all of this out.  Maybe, you are too?

My last two posts have really been on my mind... more so the way I have been feeling has been weighing very heavy on me.  The number one reason is for myself, my husband and daughter.  Especially my daughter.  

She doesn't need to see her mommy moping all the time.. what kind of life is that?  Pretty sucky if you ask me!  Good way to teach her how to cope with life!  

How to cope with life =  curl up and do nothing!

Yeah, right!  I think not!!  I have to teach my daughter to be strong, and move on!  Now.. if I could only do that for myself.

For different reasons both our daughters and sons benefit from a good healthy self esteem and a good and healthy self confidence... and their relationship with each of their parents are detrimental to their psyche.  How we as their parents handle life's obstacles is a life's lesson to our children.  We have to remember to be good role models, often putting aside personal feelings in order to do so.

Having a healthy self esteem and self confidence can help each and everyone one of us in one way or another.  We can teach our children to be positive.. and in turn then improving as individuals, becoming better spouses, in turn being better parents, better role models, better communicators... the possibilities are endless!  Sounds perfect, huh?  It is possible... if we all do our share.

Today started out to be gloomy, as it was yesterday.  Playing over and over in my head... what is going on in my life.  Wondering how to fix everything.  Wanting to make everything better.

Tonight, I was reminded... I was humbled... we all have our own problems behind our respective front doors.  Our own respective demons that we deal with.  And not to lessen anything that I may be going through... but, all I can say is that it really made me feel good tonight to be able to be there for a friend.  

Speaking from my heart, I did my best to comfort my friend (withholding her name in order to respect her privacy) in her time of need.  Being careful not to put my size nine in my mouth by saying the wrong thing (my mouth tends to get me into trouble, speaking before checking in with my brain!)  Exchanging a little of our pasts... learning of the similar roads we have traveled... having a genuine moment, sharing personal experiences... creating a bond from life's common occurances... finding a soul sister, if you will.   Thank you for that moment... the moment of being able to help, a moment of feeling needed.  A moment that helped me more than you know.  Thank you for sharing in your life with me.  

Always remember...

Friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.  ~ unknown author.

If someone wants to be a part of your life, they will make an effort to be in it.  ~ unknown author. 

I dedicate my post this evening to my friend... here's to you!  here's to life!!
  

Blessings to all!!

84 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Some images courtesy of google and bing images.  U.S Copyright laws may apply.  ©

Day 262 ~ A Part of Something Great!

As I read over what I wrote last night... I was reminded once more that I am truly blessed to have met all the people I have since I started blogging.  WOW!  Words can't even express how blessed I feel.  

I have received some truly loving, understanding, and supportive comments. As a result of reading other's words, I can't even begin to tell you strength I have gained.  Not only that, but I have met some amazing people, that I now call my friends.

Between my blogging, the wonderful people that are in my life, my blogging family and especially my friends... I am ever so humbled.

I have been shown some acts of kindness, that are unbeknownst to me.  I have never had so many wonderful people on my side.. so many wonderful people love me, I mean really love me... NEVER!!  I have never ever felt so much a part of something, something so great... a sense of belonging.  Never.

I have never felt so loved!

I can't help but feeling forever indebted.   As cheesy as that may sound, I can't help it.  All I know is that if any one of my family members, online or off needs a friend, lending ear, or a shoulder to cry on...  cake (wink, wink)... what I am trying to say, is that you can count on me!

Thank you Jesus!  For my wonderful family!!

I am blessed for the wonderful people that are in my life.  ~ Carla Barila Karam

Blessings to all!!

103 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Some images courtesy of Bing images.  Others are marked accordingly, and are property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back Life ~ Making It My Own, this blog.   All U.S Copyright laws apply.   ©

Day 234 ~ tweet, approve, like, follow, hop..a sequel

When people walk away from you, let them go.  Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn't mean they are bad people.  It just means that their part in your story is over.  ~ T.D. Jakes

While doing my social network roll call this morning, which now has officially become my normal morning routine, I was perusing all the insightful and more times than not, hysterical comments my friends make... and I came across the above quote. 

After reading the quote above... well let's just say it left me dumbfounded.  Actually the quote kept replaying over and over in my head, my entire day.  It left me wondering, actually pondering about all the people who have left me.

I thought about how those people once were such a part of my life.. how they touched my life... then how they left... or in some cases, I would not say that they actually left.. maybe more like our paths forked off in different directions.   you know... We grow up.  Some of us venture off to college, while others decided to travel, and some of us married young and moved... etc...  We grew up.

Then there are the other people, or rather friends, that enter our lives when we are adults.  Some of us get a job transfer and move, others marry and move, and some divorce and move.  Whatever the case... Once again our paths veer off in different directions.

My first friend... my sissy Aleah!  ;)
 I blame her for all of this!  lol!

Which brings me back to my new found addiction... social networking (SN).  A shared addiction amongst most of us bloggers, and anyone else who depends on the internet to get their message out.  

Facebook started it all for me, as I am sure for most of you as well.  It was my sister in law, Aleah, (who is 19 years my junior ~ in other words, much "hip-per" than me,) who first told me about Facebook... I registered my email with Facebook back on December 6, 2007.  [Fourteen months earlier Facebook had just opened to everyone with an email address on September 26, 2006]  


Holy cow!  It just dawned on me that it's been FOUR years since the day I clicked "I accept" to fb!  lmao! 

If I really think about this... four years ago my life was changed for the better, unbeknownst to me at the time... it changed and a new world opened up to me.  When I first signed on and for about another year after that more or less, there weren't many people on.~  I had about 33 friends up until February of 2009... then all of a sudden it was like Facebook went through and explosion!  The word really spread!  Within a months time I added over 130 friends.  Today, I have well over three hundred. 

Why am I telling you all this?  Well my darlin's.. the point I am trying to make...some of those people who left my life [for whatever reason] back then, are now back in my life again ... continuing with a new chapter in my story! 

Somehow the part of my story I share with you in tonight's post, is now part of the legacy I leave to my children [in this blog]... which tells the story of how their mother became addicted to her other world on the internet.  wink, wink.

All of this (as I wave my hand at my laptop's screen- which by the way has like ten windows open for each one of my vices, bwahahaha! lol!) is not just about FACEBOOK... 

It's about reaching being able to reach out and Skype (oh yeah , got one of those too!) to see how my sons are doing in Washington, when I am in Texas... or chatting with a friend I haven't seen since junior high (yes! back in my day it was Jr. High... Not this "middle school" sissy stuff!  LOL!!  another attempt at humor folks!)... or ... how about this one... exchanging knowledge with a new friend in Canada, or Asia, even across the pond in England or down under in Australia.  


If there was censorship, I would not be able to laugh and share  freely with a SN friend about our mutual  SN addiction.  If it takes me a solid two hours to respond to all my SN friends, and read posts, write posts, comment on posts, suggest posts, tweet, approve, forward, send, like, follow, hop... HOLY COW!  dizzy again!  I can only imagine how long it takes a seasoned blogger!  wink, wink.

Sure wish the internet would have been around back when my grandmother was alive... would have been great to communicate with her in Buenos Aires.  Back then it was strictly first class snail mail.. and you had better not take the chance of sending pictures or anything of value- (you took a big chance of the mail being intercepted.)  My family and I would give mail and small, small items to an airline pilot friend of the family.  Once in Argentina, our pilot friend would then forward the items to my grandmother and the rest of the family

So... I write another night, giving thanks to those who take part and contribute in providing us with the wonderful World Wide Web!  The freedom we have to be able to share whatever it is that our mind can imagine...  what a wonderful freedom!

[I am now standing, as I bend at my waist I wave both my arms up and down...] 

I am not worthy... I am not worthy!   (Yes I am worthy... you know what I mean)

wink, wink

One can never talk too much about censorship, or rather the stupids laws our US government are trying to pass.

Let's continue to be aware, stand up for our freedom of speech and tell the government...

Write congress now... it's as simple as clicking here.   

Blessings to all!!

131 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images courtesy of Facebook and my profile, Carla Barila Karam.  Copyright laws apply.

Day 226 ~ Friends, Family You Choose

When I was eighteen years old, my life was undergoing so many uncertainties.  First off I was coming out into my own, I had a marriage proposal on the table, and decisions to make.  As I look back on that time of my life... something that was not apparent or appreciated at the time...  the fact that I had my entire life ahead of me.

It has often been said that "youth is wasted on the young" ~George Bernard Shaw, and quite honestly I could not agree more..  

Sitting here some thirty years later, as it has been said, just as often... I wish I knew then what I know now.  Funny, huh?  

What's even more funnier is my jumping at any chance to give someone younger than myself, advice.  

I just want to hear one day that my words, or advice, has helped someone.  That would sincerely give me joy.  To be able to save someone, or give them advice that saves them time and grief, will help me feel that I have made a difference.

circa 1988

Sooo... what prompts me to write about this time in my life?  Tonight, I had the absolute pleasure of catching up with a very good friend.  More like a sister.  We met back when I was eighteen, when we were dating guys who were really good friends.  I am blessed to say, that today, we are still good friends.  

Teresa and I

Seems like ever since Teresa and I met... well, we have been awesome friends ever since.  There may have been times that we did not hear from one another, months and at times years... yet as soon as we did, we picked up where we left off.

I must say, that even though I went through all my heart aches all alone... Teresa has been by my side all the way .. I truly feel blessed that I can still call her my friend.  

Tonight I am reminded that my Lord, Jesus, is really watching out for me.  He has systematically placed some wonderful people in my life.  My Dream Team.  And, what is best above all is that  I see it, I am aware of it, I am living it, and I am blessed!

Thank you Jesus!  I know that I am thankful to you, for who I have in my life.. 

To have a friend and be a friend Is what makes life worthwhile.  ~Unknown Author

Your friend is that (wo)man who knows all about you, and still likes you.  ~Elbert Hubbard 

Friends are family you choose for yourself.  ~Author Unknown 

Blessings to all!!

139 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images are courtesy of Bing images.

Day 169 ~ Being Thankful

It's after eleven at night and I am still full from today's Thanksgiving feast!  Wow!  How blessed are we?  

courtesy of Bing images

The turkey was perfect, the mashed potatoes smooth and moist, the green bean casserole was better than perfect, yams? well they were divine, and the gravy, well what can I say? ... it was just right!  and the pies...  out of this world!

How blessed are we?  VERY!

We had a wonderful time.. family and friends, great company... what more can one ask for?  Not a thing.

All well worth getting up at O dark thirty!   

To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven.    ~  Johannes A. Gaertner

I am thankful for a perfect Thanksgiving!

Blessings to all!!

196 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.