Day 343 ~ It's Hard Work Being Happy...

WoW!  Just one word.. wow.

So this is me picking myself up, and brushing myself off.

These have been a couple of rough days and unbelievably enlightening all the same.  It sucks hurting... however we can't... or rather, I can't allow the sadness and pain that I feel (for my losses) to take over who I am and the happiness I am trying to build.

Today I spent the better part of my day re-cooping and talking to a very dear friend of mine.  We met when we were both pregnant with our first borns... who were born a week apart.  {and} we've been friends ever since.

Having shared that with you~ it's only a given that she has seen the highs and lows of the last twenty-five years of my life.  She has even gone to battle for me.  wink, wink. Literally.  {and} More or less I to her.

Have you ever been in a dark place (sad) and your phone has rung... you look at it and then ignore the call?  There is no way that you feel like talking to anyone... however talking to someone is the best thing you can do.

Listen, you don't have to convince me ... the last thing I wanted to do is answer my phone... however knowing that the other person on the line knew everything that had happened to me.  Meaning I did not have to stop to explain... she just knew... made it a little easier to answer.

 

I knew that my "sister from another mister" was just the person to talk to.  Not having a traditional family, I have always looked to my friends and their families for advice and life's lessons... and well let's just say that my friend was someone to look to.  She is a wonderful, funny and all 'round great person!

As a side note... there were other great people that reached out to me today.  and if you called, please, please do not be offended if I did not pick up.  The fact that you reached out to me means the world to me.  I will not forget your caring.

So... needless to say after three hours, thirteen minutes and twenty-three seconds I was able to "stop my sobbing" {as the Pretenders would say}... wipe off the tears... catch my breath... and regroup.  [and yes, you read it right, we talked for three hours, thirteen minutes and twenty-three seconds]

I wanted to share some of my sweet friend's wise words [that helped me pick myself up]... "it's hard work being happy." and "sometimes you need to take time off to be sad... and that's okay."  ... "it's okay to be sad".

So... it's back to work for me.  Back to working on being happy.

It's hard work being happy.  ~Jeannie Nohles Ellis

(here's to you finding your...)

 Peace,  

22 days to go...  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 342 ~ Keep My Head Above Water (Trying to)

The last two days have been unbearable!!  I am really trying hard to keep my head above water and in the positive...

However...

It is easier said than done!!

The fact that I heard from one out of two sons on Mother's Day, is heart wrenching.  

Most of you are probably thinking I should be thankful... and you are probably right... 

however...

My eldest son has purposely forgotten most of his past, times with me included [I'd call it a defense mechanism~ it hurts non the less... and then 

If it wasn't for my overhearing my daughter (5) telling her father she wanted to get me something... then possibly this holiday would not have been so difficult.

Let me back up...

Right before my birthday (22nd of March), my aunt told me that my mother no longer wanted to talk to me because I yell at her.    

Let me clarify this... The last time I spoke to her I was upset that she did not take the time out for my daughter and I told her so... and mind you all the while I am trying to tell her that my daughter is upset that she does not hear from her abuelita (grandma in Spanish), all the while my mother is talking [louder] over me.  {She has always done this... she does not wait for you to finish what you are saying and speaks over you}  

Where I come from, this is called interrupting... needless to say one should wait for the other person to finish before you respond... but, not with her!

I have shared with you of her OCD, etc... so we are not dealing with a person of sound mind.

So... When my aunt told me that she could not talk to me... I figured that "it" was over.  I am done setting myself up and trying to reach out to a woman whose priorities are nothing like yours or mine.

At this point... you may be thinking... 'well, you do have a daughter?'... 

Sorry... we can't go there because Calley is 5 and has to count on her dad for these things...

and without throwing him under the bus I can not reiterate on the matter.

SOOOOOO..... the last two days have been HEART WRENCHING!

Unless you have children and have had them taken from you.... I'm sorry, but you can not really relate.

The last two days, especially today, have been spent on my trying to stay above water... 

Not only that... but I have been trying to save all that I have accomplished in the last year, as far as my healing process goes.

I am trying so hard to be strong... I am trying hard to be positive... I am trying so hard to be happy... 

But to no avail... it seems as if its not working.  

I am not trying to be negative... BUT after your children have been taken from you, put against you, and with this comes no calls on your birthday or mother's day or Christmas or anything else...

All I can say is this commercialization of all these holidays SUCK!  

No different than the single person on Valentine's Day.  (I'm sure that may have clarified it for  some of you.)

Then I get these 'feel better' wishes from people {with children} that have never had their children taken away from them, or from people that do not have children. 

Sorry... but you can not possibly know what I am going through...

I feel so alone.  No where to go.  

Peace,  (trying to find...)

23 days to go...  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 23 ~ "words" ... Use Them Wisely

Once again, open mouth, insert foot!  Have you ever said something... and just as the words are coming out of your mouth- one by one, you are simultaneously cringing, and in  great disbelief of what you are actually saying? 

Well NOT ME!  Ha!!... I wish I could say that!  Really... Lord knows that I have had my share of stupidity come out of my mouth!

What prompts this?  You ask?  ...  Well, let's just say that I said something stupid which as a result hurt someone who I love... I hurt their feelings.  [In order to protect the privacy of my family, I am going to keep details on the QT or on the down low]... you choose ... either way you look at it.. I was wrong, I said something stupid without thinking, I admit it, groveled and apologized.  Good thing I'm loved! ...  Just saying!

After having dodged that "bullet" (jk or just kidding for those of you who are chat slang challenged- CSC)  ....

courtesy of Bing images

I am taking a stroll down memory lane... remembering all the harsh, ugly and hurtful words that once were said to me by people who claimed to love me.  I am referring to the people in your life who were suppose to love you to no ends, take care of you and keep you from harm's way.~ My father and then my first husband (the father of my two sons.)  I went "out of the frying pan and into the fire!" literally!!


[NOT Dino... Are you kidding me!?  Dino would never say anything hurtful to me... ever!]

People who tell you that they love you should never, ever make you feel so low or worse yet, unloved or unwanted!   


Your father should not belittle you... let alone do it in front of others.  As I am writing this I am thinking..."I do not want to drag my father through the mud by any means"... however... the lack of respect, lack of remorse shown for his actions and the years of humiliation... Well it changes you!


Being married to a man (first husband) who promised to love you forever (whatever that means!) and then he cheats on you (whilst you were pregnant,) lies to you and then takes your children and does everything possible to alienate them from you and also lies about you to them and lies to you about them~ all to keep a mother from her two boys just to be vengeful and spiteful!.. not to mention all the times he called me the most horrific names... He just took what little self-esteem and self-worth I had left and just SQUASHED IT!!... ... Well it changes you! 


Bottom line...


Please think before you say anything.  Think twice.  I have always said.. "that the words that come out of your mouth can not be taken back... once said, that's it!  they will leave a mark!" 

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.             Luke 6:37

Blessings to all!

342 days to go.


All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

8th Day ~ I WILL Change Things!!

I don't know why I didn't think of writing this blog sooner!  By the time I finished writing my post last night and I had put all my "issues" regarding school in a balloon and let it go, I was feeling really calm.  It was a peaceful, easy feeling... relief... like the saying weight off your shoulders.  


Actually, I felt great! ~ after all I had just finished writing a blog for seven days straight.  I will attest that my writing is a great outlet!  It's "cleaning house" of my issues.  It's been great [self]-therapy so far!  


I start my day with prayer each day and I also make it a point to always ask God to watch over my sons.  To guide them and keep them out of harm's way, and to never let them forget how much their mother loves them.  

It wasn't bad enough that I had been restricted from being a part of my son's daily routine for over fifteen years, now they won't even talk to me.  My eldest (23), hasn't spoken to me for nearly two years.  Correction, he text me once stating I love you mom, but I am not ready to talk, and that was what seems an eternity ago.

The youngest (20) of my two sons, who stopped talking to me a year and a half ago, called me Mother's Day weekend, both on Saturday and Sunday.  We talked for the longest time we have ever talked.  We were going to put everything in the past and move forward.  He had asked me for forgiveness and all I could tell him was how much I missed and loved him.

I barely have spoken to him twice since and that was me calling him just for him to tell me he was going to call me back.  He has blocked my phone numbers.  I even text him using my Google number to get through... and nothing.  

courtesy of Bing images

How do I put this in a balloon?

Regardless of how I may really feel, I need to remind myself that I want to be happy and for that I must make changes.  

Thank you God for the opportunity you give me each day to do something great.  


Blessings to all.

357 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 6 ~ Doing Things Differently for a Change!

I would like to share with you one of my favorite quotes that is not only thought provoking, but don't ask me why, always makes me giggle.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."    Albert Einstein

Yesterday... hmmm, well I have decided to put it behind me.  The way I should look at every day is that as long as I am true to myself and my family, and no laws were broken (just kidding! my attempt to humor,) that's all that should matter.  

I would like to report that I really think my writing this blog is not only helping me feel better (getting all of this off my chest), but I think I am also starting to actually feel a little tingle.  Is this what's it's like?  Could I be feeling a little good about myself?  Have I ever?  Well, I think I am  starting to feel good about myself for the first time in my life~  [and it's Day 6!]  

Apprehensive to my day's start I decided to forge forward with a positive outlook, and being that I am no longer working (school's out), I can not let myself get down.  It can easily happen when Calley and I are stuck at home, without my car [for week number TWELVE now.]  I won't hold my breath, but sure do hope I get my car back soon. 

Before I knew it, it was noon and I had had two good phone calls. One of the calls was with my sister where we were actually able to talk about some of our differences without getting upset, yelling or hanging up on one another vowing never to speak to the other ever again.  I call this progress.  Definitely, progress.  I say that time will tell and I feel apprehensively good about it.  Is that a feeling? Well if it's not, I just made it one.  ;) 

My other phone call was with my sister-in-law.  I get teary eyed thinking about it.  I really love her.  She is a very special person to me.  She told me that she wants to read more of my blog and is so happy I am doing this for myself.  I feel really blessed knowing that I have her support, and that she is actually interested in knowing me!  lol! (humor? no, maybe sarcasm- yes, I can also be sarcastic too, and to myself too.)

My sweet little Calley was so patient whilst I was on the phone, she only tried interrupting a half dozen times.  She has been asking, and asking for days now for me to teach her ceramics.  For some reason I am sad when it comes to ceramics.  It has been, for what seems an eternity since I have done any pottery.  This too is so therapeutic for me, not to mention that I took to it so easily in my first year taking it at West (Los Angeles College) in 2004 and amazed my ceramic's professor.  I was asked to show my teapot (below) in the student art show that year.  It was pretty cool.  

Little Bride

Southern Lady Tea Pot

When Dean and I moved to Canyon Country in 2005 to work with my brother on the remodel of the house I put ceramics on the back burner, and then a year later Calley arrived.  For some unknown reason, seems like I always made an excuse for me not to dive into clay, as if I didn't want to be happy.

Soooo... I decided not to do the same thing over and over again...  I got the clay out!  Calley and I not only played for hours, but I started a new piece!  

Blessings to all!

359 Days to go! :D

Day 5 ~ Life... It "Changes" You.

When I went to bed last night, I can honestly say that I felt great.  I had finished writing my "Day 4" entry with fourteen minutes left to the day.  I made it in time...~ by midnight!! It was such a big accomplishment and I felt great about it.  I had gotten a lot of my feelings out, and even though I had tears in my eyes for most of it, the dreaded re-living of the past felt ok.  It was as if I had gone to the top of the tallest mountain (with a twirly skirt on) and screamed it all out.  

This morning when I woke I wanted it to be a positive day, and it was until someone rained on my parade and reminded me how negative I was.  I didn't argue or get mad.  As a matter of fact I agreed.  

Well, let me just say that when even the only two people in the entire world that you are "suppose to trust" in your life (your parents) do not keep you safe nor put you first in their lives as a "child"... well let's just say that it changes you.

Then you marry a man that you think will always keep you safe and your suppose to "live happily ever after" with, and he turns out to be the person who constantly cheats on you, is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, pushes you around, alienates you from your friends, tries to do the same with your family and then accomplishes it with your children... well let's just say that it changes you.

courtesy of Bing images

You fight for your own happiness because it is obvious to you that if you don't, no one else will.  You fight to have your children, only to find out that the man you once married concocts up a story with his "new wife" that I "inappropriately" touched my innocent little three year old little boy, and then they put my three year old and six and a half year old little boys in positions to lie to people of authority about their mother... well let's just say that it changes you. 

I know that life is not perfect, and Lord knows that neither am I.  I take responsibility for my own actions, as well as the fact that I completely ignored the "red" flags. Did I deserve any of this?  I don't know.  But I will tell you what I do know... I know that my boys did not deserve to be played as "pawns" in a divorce/custody battle, nor to have their mother torn apart before their eyes and taken from them.  Divorce... well let's just say it changes you. 

Blessings to all!

360 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 4 ~ Did Someone Say "Issues" ?

Photo by Dan

I certainly have cut it close tonight.  I have an hour and a half to make my deadline and not miss my "Day 4" entry.  I've been sitting here thinking about what I should write about.  

Believe me it is not that I do not have anything to write about, I have plenty.  I have so many issues that if I had a dollar for every issue I would be a millionaire.  Well, maybe not a millionaire.  But you get the idea. ;)

Let me see... my father, who passed away five years ago, basically had a narcissistic personality and was verbally abusive to me most of my adult life; my mother, has had OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) since I was nine as a result of what I believe was her finding out about my father's affair with her younger sister (and yes I remember this all too well), who also was more or less not around from when I was eleven years old until just about three years ago, and with whom I have been trying to have a "healthy" relationship with for the sake of my daughter; my sister, I have not had a relationship with her for at least 35 years, and who I recently, cautiously have accepted back in my life; my brother, he has always been the only family with whom I have ever had a healthy relationship with and I trust completely, and who unfortunately is going through some tough times; let me see, oh and I've scratched the surface, actually more like barely dusted the surface in regards to my relationship with my sons or rather non-relationship; my job, well let's just say that I do not agree with the way I have been treated there; and then there's my daughter Calley's severe environmental allergies that caused her to miss 62 days of preschool and that is causing us to rethink where we live.  

These are just a few things going on in my life, or that have caused a domino affect on who I am and has taken the sparkle out of my eyes and the skip out of my step.

I used to be such a happy person.  I was always doing something, and always with a friend.  I was always surrounded by friends and living my life to the fullest.  And then... Bret happened.  The father of my two sons, my eldest will be twenty-four on the 8th of July and my baby turned twenty the 23rd of this past  February.  I do not want to give this man any credit for anything in my life, but the fact is, that he took my boys from me and my life has been hell ever since.

Loosing my boys has been the most horrible experience which has consumed nearly sixteen years of my life and has eaten me up alive in the process.

Well, I have decided to get the loss of my boys off my chess one last time (which I will start sharing more of tomorrow).  I am never going to give up on my boys, but there has to be a better way of dealing with them not being in my life, doing something about it and not allowing it to eat me up alive anymore.  I want my daughter to have a happy mommy and my husband to have the happy and loving wife he deserves.  I want to stop wearing a frown all the time on the inside.  I want to be happy inside and out.  

Blessings to all.

361 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

A Rough Day 3

Photo by Simon Howden

Today was a tough day for me.  I tried to get a hold of my boys... it didn't happen.  Furthermore I think I saw what rock bottom looks like.

I feel such a hole not only in my life, but in my heart and soul.  I feel so .... not loved. 

I see other moms with their sons, and all I see is the love I am missing... and it makes me miss them even more.

Is it worse to have lost a child to death?  I can't answer that, and I hope I never have to.  I can't even begin to imagine what that is like.  But, what I can share with you, is that knowing where your children are and not being able to see them, hold them, share in their happiness, console or be a part of their lives hurts like hell!  My heart actually aches.

Now, the part of seeing rock bottom.  With all of this pain always going on inside of me, sometimes the littlest thing will set me off and my scapegoat.... my wonderful husband Dean.

I wrote in Day 1 that I would not sugar coat anything and that I would be honest... and I will not go back on my word.  However, as I mentioned, this has been a very rough and emotional day for me and I need to show my daughter and my husband that I love them very much.  Therefore, I will continue this tomorrow or possibly another day.  Believe me I have a lot to share and we have the rest of the year.

I read recently that we should not let what happens to us define who we are.  Well, I am really tired of feeling this way and I definitely do not want my four year old little girl, Calley, to learn or see my pain and sadness (let alone my grouchiness).  She actually asked me today if she picked up her mess if I would stop being sad.  OUCH!

Blessings to all!

362 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 2 - Loss for Words?

Several times today, I caught myself thinking of what I was going to write tonight, and needless to say I found myself at what I thought was at a loss for words.  I know, me? At a loss for words?  I'm even having a tough time believing it!

There was a time that I didn't have any problems writing.  I kept a journal most of my life.  I even remember when I was in junior high and in high school I would not only write in my journal but I also had a collection of poems I had written.  What I would give to have them today.

Photo by Portibal

What happened you ask?  Well, Kevin happened.  It was in Seattle, in 1994, a year after my divorce to my children's father.  What was I thinking? I had gone from the frying pan to the fire with this one.  What my sons' father didn't tear down, well let's just say Kevin tried to.

Right after my divorce I had started keeping a journal again.  It was so therapeutic!  For as much as I was being put through at the time, writing my thoughts down helped me tremendously. Then "IT" happened.  A few months into our relationship, one night Kevin saw that I had been writing and asked what I was doing, and thinking nothing of it, I told him.  What occurred next I still can't believe to this day.  Kevin wanted to read my journal and I immediately saw trouble coming and said no in the nicest way possible.  I explained to him that it was my journal and it was therapy to me.  I continued to tell him that writing my thoughts and feelings down was very relieving, and it helped me.  Never mind that it was personal. Then this person, who at the time I thought was an improvement to my sons' father, proceeded to tell me that I could not have my own thoughts and that he had all the right to read them.  I remember thinking at the time that he was crazy and how did I get myself into this.  Well, needless to say this did not go over well with me and bottom line I told him that he was out of his mind.  Then I thought to myself, "I'll show him, I won't write anymore" and I never picked up a pen again.

Since then I have talked, yes, "talked" about writing again.  I'd write one day with the intention of continuing the next, yet found myself making excuses and thinking briefly of what had happened back in '94.  Well, today I say NO MORE!  I have broken the writer's block or what I called "Kevin's curse" and now it's Day 2!  And I have plenty to say!!

Blessings to all!


363 to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.