Day 79 ~ Saving Money On Therapy!

courtesy of Bing images

NEW MILESTONE!!!  3,000 VIEWS!!   This is too cool... 
Here are some blog stats for you (or rather for me, being that I am so amazed by this all)... 
it took 29 days for my blog to reach 1,000 views, another 24 days to reach 2,000 and it has taken 26 days to reach 3,000 views.

I can not explain the feeling I get when I get a comment on my blog ... other than to say that I feel elated, as if my "self-esteem" meter goes off the charts!  

courtesy of Bing images

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that "writing," more than likely, will not be most people's first choice for a "self-help" therapy, let alone "blogging"... although for me IT IS number ONE!  

"Writing/Blogging" has and continues to be very therapeutic for me... not to mention all the money I am saving on actually going to a psychologist??!!  Could you imagine that if everyone that goes to therapy were to start writing? or if they were prescribed to write a journal...  hmmmm....  very interesting thought.  Anyways... it works for me, plus I don't get kicked out in mid thought at the end of the hour!  LOL!


Instead... I kick myself off my laptop in time to publish my post before midnight!

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise.  The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.     ~Sylvia Plath

Writing became such a process of discovery that I couldn't wait to get to work in the morning:  I wanted to know what I was going to say.     ~Sharon O'Brien

If I fall asleep with a pen in my hand, don't remove it - I might be writing in my dreams.    ~Terri Guillemets 

Blessings to all!!

286 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 28 ~ I Have a "Dream Team"!! & You're on It!

I am feeling very blessed these days!  Imagine being on a mountaintop surrounded by beautiful flowers, a cool fragrant breeze in your face, if you're a girl you would have a "twirly" dress on and of course you would be running and twirling... I'm almost there!  Now, I do have some rough moments, but all in all I know that I am moving in the right direction.

1992 "Dream Team"
Courtesy of Bing images

I feel so supported... I feel as if I have my own "dream team" behind me.  No matter who I speak to lately, family, friends and even a couple of my blog readers, their messages all have had something positive for me to not only help me with my blog, but more importantly to help me with my healing process.

I was speaking to one of my tias ("aunts" in Spanish) the other day... although I do not get to speak to her often (because life happens,) she has always been there for me.  She does not mince words and always gets to the point... I so love that about her!  Her wonderful message... "put all my love into everything I do!"  It does translate a little different in Spanish, however the message is the same.  She had just the right words to say to me without even knowing.  It was as if she knew what I needed to hear.  Just as she said that to me, I felt so much pride for myself for writing my blog (last time I felt like that I was in school and I was doing my pottery.) 

My sister-in-law, (gosh that sounds so formal because truth be told she is more of a sister to me than anything else) is also on my dream team!  She is awesome, shhhh don't tell her because her head may explode! just kidding   No, but seriously, timing could not be better- she was the one that had told me that our differences were behind us, as if  we "put them in a balloon and let it go!"  Oh my G.. I just love that analogy (see Day 7)!  Als, I have now adopted it! and giving you props for it too!  As I continue writing my blog, you will find that I will be putting a lot into balloons and letting them go!

As I think of who else is on my "dream team" ... well let's just say that this post would turn into a mini "e-book"!!  Needless to say, I feel so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends supporting me!  

There's Elisabeth (who I met at a low point in my life, while going to schooI in '03-'05, I tutored for her at West Los Angeles College, turned mentor, part-time therapist (lol- jk), turned best bud), Diane (who basically witnessed not only my divorce, but my boys taken away from me), Lena (old high school bud reunited thanks to Facebook, who probably does not have a clue as to how good of a friend she still is to me), Gloria (my cousin who has given me courage and strength on more that one occasion ~ gracias primita), Juli (my cousin who after moving to El Paso, wrote me a letter telling me what a beautiful person I was, to remember my strength, the people who love me and that my children were lucky to have such an amazing mother... I carry that letter with me to this day! ...I could not have received your letter at a better time ~ gracias primita)...

"You like me, you really like me!"
Courtesy of Bing images

I almost feel as if I am giving my acceptance speech for an award because I do not want to leave anyone out!  And if I did leave you out... I still have 337 days to give you proper props! So keep reading because you never know when YOU will be thanked.  By the way, if you do not want to be mentioned by  name in my blog please email me and let me know.

When I first woke this morning, I did just as I have been doing since I started writing my blog 28 days ago... I wake up, and with the crust not even out of my eyes, I grab my glasses and my laptop, and then I check my messages, then Facebook and then my blog stats.  But this morning when on Facebook, I received the following message... 

This month, I celebrate my own independence.  I choose to be free of all negativity, anger, fear, insecurities, jealousies~ and any thought that makes me feel "less than."  I no longer choose to live in the prison of my mind.  I choose thoughts of love, prosperity, and unlimited creativity and opportunities.  ~ Louise L. Hay

Needless to say, that was my status post for most of my day.  Then the more I read it, the more it was appropriate to what I was going through.  Therefore, this month I celebrate my own independence!

“As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.”  Psalm 18:30

Blessings to all!

337 days / 48 weeks to go.



All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 24 ~ "Writing" ... It's Good for the Soul

HEY!!  Who turned on the lights???!!!  WHAT it's been 24 days and I'm still going strong??!!  At the risk of sounding repetitive... I just can't find the words to tell you how great this has been making me feel.  Now... don't get me wrong, I still have a ways to go, but at least I feel as if I am on the right track.


As far as I am concerned blogging has been a great way to release myself.. to put myself in check... and to get rid of some ugliness that has been brewing within me for years!  

courtesy of Bing images

Who is to say if whether I would have continued to write after Kevin had his day with me (see Day 2) if I would be feeling like this right now or not, although one thing IS for sure ~ I would have been doing it and putting my life on the line with him around!

As I look back... I think I really started writing around the 7th grade... I don't know if it was intended as a fad or not... OR ... if it was something that a young girl gets into at that age... but having a diary was what you did and what I did.  I can remember most of my friends having them.  You could find them in all sorts of sizes, colors and with a lock too! Then the trick was to have a GREAT hiding place so your sister could not get into it.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.          Proverbs 3:3

What  I do know right now is that this is saving me ... from who?  you ask...  From me!  I think I have been self-destructing this entire time ... NOT ANYMORE!


Blessing to all!!


341 days to go.




All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 22 ~ Keep On Keeping On!

by Master Isolated Images

Other than what's been going on in Carla's World (being a victim of the Blackberry Bandit, being bit by a dog, Week 12 No Car,) I would have to say that I have been feeling really good - both emotionally and physically.  

As I start Week 3 of my blog, I will have to say that this is the best thing I have done for myself in a very long time.  Actually, I can't remember the last time I have done something so healthy for myself!  I am actually sticking to it without hesitation, as opposed to not wanting to get up and go to the gym after the third day (just kidding- but you get the idea.)

I would have to say that as I get my day going, I am already wondering what I am going to write about at the end of my day.  I actually can't wait!  I allow myself to start thinking about things, but stop to allow my day to inspire me at the end.  I may have a few ideas of what I may want to talk, but in the end it's whatever comes to mind about how I may be feeling about life.

As each day go by, I feel a little lighter and today was no different.  I wish I had not procrastinated so long, however the timing could not be any better!   

I decided to look up Bible verses having to do with writing or thoughts, and once again I think someone is listening (or reading my blog) "up there!"  There it was, the first verse I come across...

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?   Psalm 13:2  (NIV)

All I have to say is.... NOT ANY MORE!!  No more wrestling and No more sorrow (well, it's not gone, but at least it doesn't seem to hurt AS much)!  Are you kidding ME!?  I will not allow ANYONE to triumph over me!

Blessings to all!

343 days to go.


All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 14! ~ [Learning to] Letting the Chips Fall Where They May!

Today I took the let the chips fall where they may approach and left EVERYTHING in God's hands.  I learned a long, long time ago that I can not "control" the actions of others.  However, there is nothing wrong with fighting for what is yours, what you believe in or WHAT IS RIGHT!!  

I know, I was getting just a little obsessive with teaching a twenty-three year old the meaning of respecting the property of others.  However, as the day progressed the messages were coming in, slowly but surely...  and from her own family and friends.  As I read each one, the message was more or less the same... she will not give me the phone back, she did what she wanted, and no one stopped her.  

I do want to say that my efforts yesterday did not go unwarranted!  Out of the forty-nine (yes, forty-nine!) people that I contacted, I received responses from five people!  I can say that my faith in people continues to grow!  These people felt bad that their friend/family member had done what she did.  One person even told me that she would speak to her.  Well, we'll see... I won't hold my breath.  

Several of my friends suggested that I leave it to the police... I could have, they're right... BUT I had to do something about it!  Honestly, I didn't even think twice about it!  The next thing I knew I was really finding things out... it was all falling into my lap!

Then again, maybe you do not agree with what I am doing... Well.. Let me share something with you... 

Nearly three years ago, my husband and I, after seeing that the job market in Los Angeles was not panning out, we decided it would be best to start over in El Paso, Texas  [where his dad and his family lives- YES, babysitters!! just kidding ;) ]. after loosing his twenty-six year job, and needless to say its been tough getting to where we are today;  I am a [part-time] computer teacher at a small school, who is now on summer break (no pay).  and...we Thank God we were able to manage with my only working part-time.  


As things went on, my little girl missed sixty-two days of school this year because of asthma and respiratory problems due to environmental allergies (this year worse than last);  my husband, Thank God was also hired by the same school that employs me and teaches Calley~ kinda nice arrangement, huh?...  are you kidding?  No, that's not what I mean, It's cool all of us being there at one time or another.  But, seriously, life s a constant struggle... but who's complaining  ;)

With all that "said"... I also want to share with you that it took me nearly ten months to save for my phone!! Which also has a cool cover and a 8gb micro-sd card in it!  $350!! worth of savings down the toilet! NOT!!... so somehow I am compelled to get it back.

courtesy of Bing images

As I sit back and read what I have written so far... I have found IRONY in all of this... Irony?  you ask?... well the irony is that here I am basically fighting to get my phone back, and trying to teach a twenty-three year old a lesson in life ... and here I can't even have a relationship with my own son who is twenty-three years old, let alone teach him a lesson in life.

Irony, I tell you, Irony!

Did someone say something about chips or Leaving it to God?  I think that's a wonderful idea... as always I say a prayer for my sons and once again I will leave my relationship with my boys in His hands.  

By the way... IT'S BEEN FOURTEEN DAYS!!!  Love this "blogging" thing!

Blessings to all!

351 days / 50 weeks to go!!    

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

8th Day ~ I WILL Change Things!!

I don't know why I didn't think of writing this blog sooner!  By the time I finished writing my post last night and I had put all my "issues" regarding school in a balloon and let it go, I was feeling really calm.  It was a peaceful, easy feeling... relief... like the saying weight off your shoulders.  


Actually, I felt great! ~ after all I had just finished writing a blog for seven days straight.  I will attest that my writing is a great outlet!  It's "cleaning house" of my issues.  It's been great [self]-therapy so far!  


I start my day with prayer each day and I also make it a point to always ask God to watch over my sons.  To guide them and keep them out of harm's way, and to never let them forget how much their mother loves them.  

It wasn't bad enough that I had been restricted from being a part of my son's daily routine for over fifteen years, now they won't even talk to me.  My eldest (23), hasn't spoken to me for nearly two years.  Correction, he text me once stating I love you mom, but I am not ready to talk, and that was what seems an eternity ago.

The youngest (20) of my two sons, who stopped talking to me a year and a half ago, called me Mother's Day weekend, both on Saturday and Sunday.  We talked for the longest time we have ever talked.  We were going to put everything in the past and move forward.  He had asked me for forgiveness and all I could tell him was how much I missed and loved him.

I barely have spoken to him twice since and that was me calling him just for him to tell me he was going to call me back.  He has blocked my phone numbers.  I even text him using my Google number to get through... and nothing.  

courtesy of Bing images

How do I put this in a balloon?

Regardless of how I may really feel, I need to remind myself that I want to be happy and for that I must make changes.  

Thank you God for the opportunity you give me each day to do something great.  


Blessings to all.

357 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 7 ~ Filled A Balloon... and I Let it Go!!

When I woke up this morning I had goals.  After all it was Day 7.. my first week of blogging! My desire was that Calley and I get our chores done early after breakfast, then have lunch, I could research whilst she napped and when she woke we would play with clay again.  I almost had every minute of the day planned.  Boy, was I set straight! 

For some reason I feel as if I took a step back today.  Nothing with Calley was going my way.  At one point my little four year old sassed me as if she was thirteen and I - I felt so defeated.  I went to pour myself a glass of lemonade, and the next thing I knew, I was thinking about how I always felt like "odd man out" or the "third wheel" all throughout school.  

Fame by David Bowie was the number one song playing on am radio (yes, "am" I think it was KJR am) in September of 1975 when I had started 7th grade.  The dust was settling after the four-year court battle my father had put my mother through.  I remember it being a big deal because my father kept telling us that he had been the thirteenth man in the state of California that had won sole custody of his children.  I'll all say about it right now is that he did whatever it took to get us from my mother, and was not nice about it.  Even if it meant marrying a former call girl to do so.

Then the "bomb" was dropped!  We were moving to the San Fernando Valley.  Oh sure it was beautiful there, orange groves for miles. "My" dilemma was that we would be moving during Christmas break, and I would start at my new school in January.  As if it wasn't bad enough moving, AGAIN, but in the middle of the school year!  As a matter of fact, by the time I started high school, I had gone to thirteen different schools.  Yes, thirteen!  Always the new girl.  Heck, by the time I finally made a friend, [because it didn't help that I had an Italian name and spoke Spanish,] we were moving again.

The first time we moved I remember feeling alone, not having a single friend.  It wasn't easy making friends where friendships were already established.  And we all know that kids aren't the nicest of the human species.. they can be downright mean!  If it wasn't my weight, it was that I was shy or my clothes, etc..  

The teasing and bullying got worse as I got older.  Especially this one girl, she tortured me every chance she got from the time I arrived in 7th grade, all the way through the last day of 9th grade.  My self-esteem did not exist by the time she was done.  For the first time in my life, I was grateful I was going to a new school in the fall... high school.  

courtesy of Bing images

When I realized I had zoned out right in the middle of this argument with my four year old, and re-lived the anxiety I felt in school, I could not allow myself to go back there anymore.  That was a long, long time ago, and there are better times to think about.  Then something my sister-in-law said to me yesterday clicked!  "...put it in a balloon and let it go... no need to think about it again..."

So, those bad times I went through.  Times I walked onto a new school campus not knowing a soul, the stares I would get or the horrible things that were said to me.  The anxiety of trying to fit in, not being one of the "popular" girls in the "cool" click or better yet being ridiculed by one of them.  Or just simply not having had a "best friends" for years.  The times I felt so alone... 

I just put it all in a balloon and I let it go!  

Blessings to all!!

358 days / 51 weeks to go.


All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 6 ~ Doing Things Differently for a Change!

I would like to share with you one of my favorite quotes that is not only thought provoking, but don't ask me why, always makes me giggle.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."    Albert Einstein

Yesterday... hmmm, well I have decided to put it behind me.  The way I should look at every day is that as long as I am true to myself and my family, and no laws were broken (just kidding! my attempt to humor,) that's all that should matter.  

I would like to report that I really think my writing this blog is not only helping me feel better (getting all of this off my chest), but I think I am also starting to actually feel a little tingle.  Is this what's it's like?  Could I be feeling a little good about myself?  Have I ever?  Well, I think I am  starting to feel good about myself for the first time in my life~  [and it's Day 6!]  

Apprehensive to my day's start I decided to forge forward with a positive outlook, and being that I am no longer working (school's out), I can not let myself get down.  It can easily happen when Calley and I are stuck at home, without my car [for week number TWELVE now.]  I won't hold my breath, but sure do hope I get my car back soon. 

Before I knew it, it was noon and I had had two good phone calls. One of the calls was with my sister where we were actually able to talk about some of our differences without getting upset, yelling or hanging up on one another vowing never to speak to the other ever again.  I call this progress.  Definitely, progress.  I say that time will tell and I feel apprehensively good about it.  Is that a feeling? Well if it's not, I just made it one.  ;) 

My other phone call was with my sister-in-law.  I get teary eyed thinking about it.  I really love her.  She is a very special person to me.  She told me that she wants to read more of my blog and is so happy I am doing this for myself.  I feel really blessed knowing that I have her support, and that she is actually interested in knowing me!  lol! (humor? no, maybe sarcasm- yes, I can also be sarcastic too, and to myself too.)

My sweet little Calley was so patient whilst I was on the phone, she only tried interrupting a half dozen times.  She has been asking, and asking for days now for me to teach her ceramics.  For some reason I am sad when it comes to ceramics.  It has been, for what seems an eternity since I have done any pottery.  This too is so therapeutic for me, not to mention that I took to it so easily in my first year taking it at West (Los Angeles College) in 2004 and amazed my ceramic's professor.  I was asked to show my teapot (below) in the student art show that year.  It was pretty cool.  

Little Bride

Southern Lady Tea Pot

When Dean and I moved to Canyon Country in 2005 to work with my brother on the remodel of the house I put ceramics on the back burner, and then a year later Calley arrived.  For some unknown reason, seems like I always made an excuse for me not to dive into clay, as if I didn't want to be happy.

Soooo... I decided not to do the same thing over and over again...  I got the clay out!  Calley and I not only played for hours, but I started a new piece!  

Blessings to all!

359 Days to go! :D

Day 5 ~ Life... It "Changes" You.

When I went to bed last night, I can honestly say that I felt great.  I had finished writing my "Day 4" entry with fourteen minutes left to the day.  I made it in time...~ by midnight!! It was such a big accomplishment and I felt great about it.  I had gotten a lot of my feelings out, and even though I had tears in my eyes for most of it, the dreaded re-living of the past felt ok.  It was as if I had gone to the top of the tallest mountain (with a twirly skirt on) and screamed it all out.  

This morning when I woke I wanted it to be a positive day, and it was until someone rained on my parade and reminded me how negative I was.  I didn't argue or get mad.  As a matter of fact I agreed.  

Well, let me just say that when even the only two people in the entire world that you are "suppose to trust" in your life (your parents) do not keep you safe nor put you first in their lives as a "child"... well let's just say that it changes you.

Then you marry a man that you think will always keep you safe and your suppose to "live happily ever after" with, and he turns out to be the person who constantly cheats on you, is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, pushes you around, alienates you from your friends, tries to do the same with your family and then accomplishes it with your children... well let's just say that it changes you.

courtesy of Bing images

You fight for your own happiness because it is obvious to you that if you don't, no one else will.  You fight to have your children, only to find out that the man you once married concocts up a story with his "new wife" that I "inappropriately" touched my innocent little three year old little boy, and then they put my three year old and six and a half year old little boys in positions to lie to people of authority about their mother... well let's just say that it changes you. 

I know that life is not perfect, and Lord knows that neither am I.  I take responsibility for my own actions, as well as the fact that I completely ignored the "red" flags. Did I deserve any of this?  I don't know.  But I will tell you what I do know... I know that my boys did not deserve to be played as "pawns" in a divorce/custody battle, nor to have their mother torn apart before their eyes and taken from them.  Divorce... well let's just say it changes you. 

Blessings to all!

360 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 4 ~ Did Someone Say "Issues" ?

Photo by Dan

I certainly have cut it close tonight.  I have an hour and a half to make my deadline and not miss my "Day 4" entry.  I've been sitting here thinking about what I should write about.  

Believe me it is not that I do not have anything to write about, I have plenty.  I have so many issues that if I had a dollar for every issue I would be a millionaire.  Well, maybe not a millionaire.  But you get the idea. ;)

Let me see... my father, who passed away five years ago, basically had a narcissistic personality and was verbally abusive to me most of my adult life; my mother, has had OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) since I was nine as a result of what I believe was her finding out about my father's affair with her younger sister (and yes I remember this all too well), who also was more or less not around from when I was eleven years old until just about three years ago, and with whom I have been trying to have a "healthy" relationship with for the sake of my daughter; my sister, I have not had a relationship with her for at least 35 years, and who I recently, cautiously have accepted back in my life; my brother, he has always been the only family with whom I have ever had a healthy relationship with and I trust completely, and who unfortunately is going through some tough times; let me see, oh and I've scratched the surface, actually more like barely dusted the surface in regards to my relationship with my sons or rather non-relationship; my job, well let's just say that I do not agree with the way I have been treated there; and then there's my daughter Calley's severe environmental allergies that caused her to miss 62 days of preschool and that is causing us to rethink where we live.  

These are just a few things going on in my life, or that have caused a domino affect on who I am and has taken the sparkle out of my eyes and the skip out of my step.

I used to be such a happy person.  I was always doing something, and always with a friend.  I was always surrounded by friends and living my life to the fullest.  And then... Bret happened.  The father of my two sons, my eldest will be twenty-four on the 8th of July and my baby turned twenty the 23rd of this past  February.  I do not want to give this man any credit for anything in my life, but the fact is, that he took my boys from me and my life has been hell ever since.

Loosing my boys has been the most horrible experience which has consumed nearly sixteen years of my life and has eaten me up alive in the process.

Well, I have decided to get the loss of my boys off my chess one last time (which I will start sharing more of tomorrow).  I am never going to give up on my boys, but there has to be a better way of dealing with them not being in my life, doing something about it and not allowing it to eat me up alive anymore.  I want my daughter to have a happy mommy and my husband to have the happy and loving wife he deserves.  I want to stop wearing a frown all the time on the inside.  I want to be happy inside and out.  

Blessings to all.

361 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

A Rough Day 3

Photo by Simon Howden

Today was a tough day for me.  I tried to get a hold of my boys... it didn't happen.  Furthermore I think I saw what rock bottom looks like.

I feel such a hole not only in my life, but in my heart and soul.  I feel so .... not loved. 

I see other moms with their sons, and all I see is the love I am missing... and it makes me miss them even more.

Is it worse to have lost a child to death?  I can't answer that, and I hope I never have to.  I can't even begin to imagine what that is like.  But, what I can share with you, is that knowing where your children are and not being able to see them, hold them, share in their happiness, console or be a part of their lives hurts like hell!  My heart actually aches.

Now, the part of seeing rock bottom.  With all of this pain always going on inside of me, sometimes the littlest thing will set me off and my scapegoat.... my wonderful husband Dean.

I wrote in Day 1 that I would not sugar coat anything and that I would be honest... and I will not go back on my word.  However, as I mentioned, this has been a very rough and emotional day for me and I need to show my daughter and my husband that I love them very much.  Therefore, I will continue this tomorrow or possibly another day.  Believe me I have a lot to share and we have the rest of the year.

I read recently that we should not let what happens to us define who we are.  Well, I am really tired of feeling this way and I definitely do not want my four year old little girl, Calley, to learn or see my pain and sadness (let alone my grouchiness).  She actually asked me today if she picked up her mess if I would stop being sad.  OUCH!

Blessings to all!

362 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 2 - Loss for Words?

Several times today, I caught myself thinking of what I was going to write tonight, and needless to say I found myself at what I thought was at a loss for words.  I know, me? At a loss for words?  I'm even having a tough time believing it!

There was a time that I didn't have any problems writing.  I kept a journal most of my life.  I even remember when I was in junior high and in high school I would not only write in my journal but I also had a collection of poems I had written.  What I would give to have them today.

Photo by Portibal

What happened you ask?  Well, Kevin happened.  It was in Seattle, in 1994, a year after my divorce to my children's father.  What was I thinking? I had gone from the frying pan to the fire with this one.  What my sons' father didn't tear down, well let's just say Kevin tried to.

Right after my divorce I had started keeping a journal again.  It was so therapeutic!  For as much as I was being put through at the time, writing my thoughts down helped me tremendously. Then "IT" happened.  A few months into our relationship, one night Kevin saw that I had been writing and asked what I was doing, and thinking nothing of it, I told him.  What occurred next I still can't believe to this day.  Kevin wanted to read my journal and I immediately saw trouble coming and said no in the nicest way possible.  I explained to him that it was my journal and it was therapy to me.  I continued to tell him that writing my thoughts and feelings down was very relieving, and it helped me.  Never mind that it was personal. Then this person, who at the time I thought was an improvement to my sons' father, proceeded to tell me that I could not have my own thoughts and that he had all the right to read them.  I remember thinking at the time that he was crazy and how did I get myself into this.  Well, needless to say this did not go over well with me and bottom line I told him that he was out of his mind.  Then I thought to myself, "I'll show him, I won't write anymore" and I never picked up a pen again.

Since then I have talked, yes, "talked" about writing again.  I'd write one day with the intention of continuing the next, yet found myself making excuses and thinking briefly of what had happened back in '94.  Well, today I say NO MORE!  I have broken the writer's block or what I called "Kevin's curse" and now it's Day 2!  And I have plenty to say!!

Blessings to all!


363 to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.