Day 523 ~ The "Blue" Time of This Year. . .

This time of year may bring joy to many, and heart felt kindness to others... but there are some people out there who do not see it that way, they don't welcome this time of year with open arms.  Too much sadness. . .   too much pain. . . 

People may withdraw... or not have any family to open up to... or even have a smaller circle of friends.  I want to be able to help you . . . so here I found out about some red flags to look out for ..  

according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)  here are some signs to look for:  

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings;  Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism;  Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness;  Irritability, restlessness;  Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex;  Fatigue and decreased energy;  Difficulty concentrating, remembering;  details, and making decisions;  Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping;  Overeating, or appetite loss;  Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts;  and Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment.

  For more informatioon on depression click here.

There are many wonderful people out there that have suffered a life altering loss and even at times may regret living to tell about it. . .  if that makes any sense.    This time of year brings "It" out in the air for them.  

I know. . . there probably isn't anything I can possibly say to  help. . . .   

Although, I truly understand how some people may feel.  I know what it's like to not want to get out of bed for days.  I know what it's like to let the phone ring and ring.  I know what it's like to make last minute excuses for not attending functions with a lot of people or even with one person. . .  I know what it's like. . . . 

I was about to tell you how I didn't gain anything from being depressed, but that's not true.  I had to go through things "my way" at "my pace" to get to where I am today, to be who I am and do what I do today.  I had to dacide when . . .  I was done?  When I was complete.

Whether we go through happy times or even regretfully bad times, all those experiences make us who we are including how we choose to "process" some life altering events. . .  all of this and more is what we are made of. 

All and all, I sit here very proud to be who I am and have made the choices I have-  what else can you do a tthis point?  . 

{BIG SMILE}

I am thankful for my life!

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

I am second..

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright Laws apply.

Day 371 ~ {Life's} Choices

Have you ever caught yourself thinking {or saying} ... "if I only knew _20_ {fill in number of years here- wink, wink} years ago what I know today..."   

We've all made choices in our lives, which directly or indirectly brought us to where we sit today.  

It's true. 

Think about it.

I'm not saying that 20 years ago I made the decision to live in Texas today - actually I would've thought you were nuts if you would have told me that back then.

What I am saying is that one decision led to another... which then led to another... then another... and so on... until ... here I am!  wink, wink.

As babies, choices are made for us... however, there comes a day when we start making our own choices...  that would have been the ideal time to have been told what I know today.  ;)

Boy!  Wouldn't that have been nice?  All the heartache I could have avoided...  Not that I would change much... I would just be smart about it all.  All the great choices I could have made... I guess that's where all the would of, could of, should of(s) come in.

NO!  That's looking back... I choose to only look forward and only look to the past for lessons learned.

As I have written over and over again...  I have learned a lot this year.  I mean I really got it!  Life is a choice.  Even your attitude is a choice.  Let me tell you that it's not easy either.

It takes "work" having a happy life.  Yes, you heard me right.  Another thing I have learned.

As a survivor of depression it is very easy for me to fall.  For me, when I am at a crossroads of sorts, I have learned that it is easy to fall into old habits.  (habits = being sad, negative, tired, unproductive... etc...}

So ... I have two choices ... withdraw into old habits ... OR ... focus on the positive and leave the rest to God.

I choose the latter.

The work in all of this is looking for the positive... oh I know... it isn't always easy... HOWEVER (and that's a BIG however- lol) I already know what the former gets me ... and I do not like it.  I do not like being miserable or unhappy... SO DONE WITH IT!  

After all... we only get one chance at this thing called life.  Right?

{and} With that said ... 

I choose to be happy the rest of my life. 

The choices I will make from here on, will be made with the premise that one day they will all equal something really promising for me and my family... and that my dear is... love and happiness.  

The following quotes are from Dr. Shad Helmstetter’s book titled “Choices”. 

You may think that in life, a lot of things happen to you along the way. The truth is, in life, you happen to a lot of things along the way.  ~unknown author

The choices we make by accident are just as important as the choices we make by design.  ~unknown author

Another person’s choice is nothing more than another alternative for you to consider.  ~unknown author 

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012

Day 365 ~ "Zen"... ummmm... umm

What I Learned About Me... from A to Z

What have I learned about myself this past year {blogging}..?  hmmmm... First off... I would like to make sure you know up front... I never had blogged before until I started this blog 349 days ago.  Secondly... I never intended on learning anything.  HAHA! LOL!  No but seriously... It wasn't my intention...   Check out what my intention(s) were/are here.

So here goes... What I Learned About Me... from A to Z

"Z" is for...  Zen.

Miriam-Webster defines zen as a Japanese school of Mahayana Buddhism emphasizing the value of meditation and intuition rather than ritual worship or study of scriptures.  

However... what I am talking about is what the urban dictionary defines zen... a total state of focus that incorporates a total togetherness of body and mind. Zen is a way of being. It also is a state of mind. Zen involves dropping illusion and seeing things without distortion created by your own thoughts.

Okay... so now that you know what zen means... wink, wink.

Oh, I'm not saying that my life is all zen ... not by far... but I sure am working on it.  Yes working on it.  We can either focus on the negative or focus on the positive.  

I choose to focus on the positive.  Hey.. I'm not saying it is easy.  After all I am a survivor of depression (see... there's a positive statement).  As a side note... I think that depression is like alcoholism... {now hear me out...}  They are alike in the sense that you always have to work on not falling back into "old habits".  Once an alcoholic, that person survives it, however can never take a drink again.  With depression, you survive it and then need to handle sadness differently instead of allowing it to take over your life.

There are days where the negative tries to creep in... this is where the "work" comes in...  I get sad, bummed out at times.  Something will "trigger" my thoughts to think of my sons and what I could have done different [which I must accept as the past, which I can do nothing about today] outside of praying for them everyday... then I start missing them... then my heart aches for them... Then I have to stop myself.

Self stop!  wink, wink... seriously now... I have to force myself to think of both of my sons as healthy... that they're going to school and working... and leave the rest to God.  

So... I have come to learn that it's okay to have sad moments... the important thing is to recognize it right away and handle it different.  Get away from old habits.  Keep busy... focus on Calley... focus on my husband Dino... focus on how I can help my family... focus on how I can help my church... focus on helping those who are in bad times... focus on the positive in life.

Once I finally get all this down, I will have finally reached my Zen.

Remembering a wrong is like carrying a burden on the mind.  ~ Buddha

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.  ~Martin Luther King  

Tomorrow... my closing post.

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

0 days to go... {I DID IT!!!...  I can't believe it!...}

read about this count down in my "About my Blog" page

... for a, l & c.  you are my sunshine(s).

Images are courtesy of either google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barilá Karam and of this blog- Taking Back My Life ~ Making it My Own.  US Copyright law apply  ©

Day 350 ~ "Embrace" "Depression"... hmmm...

What I Learned About Me... from A to Z

What have I learned about myself this past year {blogging}..?  hmmmm... First off... I would like to make sure you know up front... I never had blogged before until I started this blog 349 days ago.  Secondly... I never intended on learning anything.  HAHA! LOL!  No but seriously... It wasn't my intention...   Check out what my intention(s) were/are here.

So here goes... What I Learned About Me... from A to Z

"D" is for...

Depression.  I couldn't help it... after all I have been dealing with it most of my life. 

I am not saying that having depression is cool... because it is not.  

Quite frankly it sucks being sad or just being in that downward mindset.  

I am not admitting that I just discovered this about myself, because I did not.  

But what I did discover is that with focus and HARD work I can now manage to pull myself out of the "funk" a little easier {and faster, AND not as often}... plus the fact that I can not allow Calley to see me down and learn from my actions.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, one in ten Americans report depression.  The operative word  there is "report". Implying that not everyone reports it.  Hmmmm...

"E" is for...

Embrace.  Embrace?   Yes....embrace, 

I have learned to embrace all that my Lord has put in my path, and what he has given me.  For some reason, He feels I can handle it.  

Let's think about this for a moment... everything that my Lord has placed in my path has not been the best,  

It has tested me.  it has tried me.  Best of all... it thought it had beaten me... BUT IT DID NOT!

Accepting my past for what it is ... is one thing...  but embracing the pain and accepting it for what it is... well that's a biggie!

Tomorrow...  What I Learned About Me... from A toZ ... the letter(s) "F".

Buddhism teaches you to embrace change.
~ Koo Stark

Sources:  http://www.cdc.gov/Features/dsDepression/   

(here's to you finding your...)

 Peace,  

15 days to go...  {humbled.}  

read about this count down in my "About my Blog" page

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 280 ~ No Sugar Coating Here!

I wish there was something to dig me out of this pit I have dug for myself.  Somehow, don't ask me how because I don't know how... but, I manage to hide it from Calley... however, I know that things all the way around, could be better.

I'm in what some people say, a "slump".  Do I want to be in this "slump"?  No, I do not!  However, I am having a horrible time trying to even connect.  I've been doing a minimal amount of housework, laundry, dishes, meals, and even minimal social networking!  I have hardly promoted my blog this week.

No, my house is not a complete disaster.  But, it's not at its normal and usual sparkly self.  I guess that's one good thing... at least I am still keeping up with daily chores, minimal (lol) of course, and I make it a point of keeping my sink clean and making my bed each day is a must!

What have I been doing, beside feeling sorry for myself?   because I am just not getting "it"... I have been using Calley as an excuse.  I have been spending a lot of one on one time with her.  Coloring, watching classic Disney movies, schooling, and taking care of her while she has been sick.  Quite honestly, she is loving all the attention.

Another thing that has been a constant, a way of release, self-therapy if you will, something to look forward to... has been my blogging.  I refuse to quit on this.  It is not an option not to write my daily post.  Even if I was not in the "mood", like tonight, I forced myself to write at least one line.  Funny, I always end up with more than one line.  wink, wink.

At the beginning, I gave you all my word that I would be honest and not sugar coat anything... well this is me being a little depressed, somewhat disappointed, having a desire of wanting more to life, and my realizing that I want a purpose!  That's It !!  I want a purpose!   

I want to feel a passion for something... I want that to be my purpose... I want this purpose to be like my dream come true.  I want to feel that desire... the fire in me.  As if I am trying to create "the" perfect masterpiece.  Is that too much to ask?

I think not!  I will not give up!  I have to set an example for my daughter, for my children.  I leave it in your hands, my Lord.  Amen.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.   ~ Matthew 7:7  (NIV)

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  ~ 1 John 5:14 (NIV) 

Blessings to all!!

85 days / 12 weeks to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Some images courtesy of google and bing images.  U.S Copyright laws may apply.  ©

Day 162 ~ Avoiding the Dark Side

ENOUGH!!  Do I have a huge BULLS-EYE on me or what!!  When is it going to stop?  

(courtesy of Bing Images)

This has truly been a dark day for me.  I have literally sat here with tears just rolling out of my eyes all day.  I have not been crying per say.  The tears are just making their way out on their own.  One rolling out after another.  

I tell you, I wish I could scream so loud for the entire world to hear!  AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

On Day 160 I shared with all of you that I had possession of my car, which lasted a total of ten days, of which once again on day one I discovered immediately that it had not been fixed.  Now, It has been sitting at the local Toyota dealership.

Through Toyota's inspection, I found out that the ECM was not replaced with a the new improved one (what we helped pay for,) instead an old one was in its place.  Our mechanic has never brought it in for programming since we have owned the vehicle, when he said he had.  The transmission, well, all they could tell was that it had been taken out of the vehicle.  No way of knowing if it had been replaced or not.

At the suggestion of the assistant service manager, I called Toyota Customer Care.  He said that I would have a better chance of getting them to take care of the KNOWN ISSUE and that  it should have been a RECALL, instead of the SERVICE BULLETIN they had issued.  

Unlike by CBK

Well... Toyota will not cover my car because it is 9,000 miles over the enhanced warranty and that the warranty had already been extended.  I expressed to the man that I had bought the car at 154,000 miles without hesitation knowing that Toyotas run nearly forever.  All he kept responding to me was, I AM SORRY TOYOTA HAS ALREADY EXTENDED THE WARRANTY over and over again.  

I WANTED TO REACH THROUGH THE PHONE AND STRANGLE HIM!!

SO my hands are tied.  No telling if they will honor the class action law suit for me or if the place we bought it from, Master Auto Sales in association with ALLTech Auto will honor their warranty.

The assistant service manager told me that he called my mechanic and let him know that my car needed the new ECM.  My mechanic (and I will use the term loosely!) responded to him that he would have one of his guys pick up the old part within the half hour and return with the new one. 

That was at 10:30 this morning and now it is almost 6:00 in the evening... CAN YOU GUESS?  YUP!! You were right!  HE DID NOT PICK UP THE PART.

Yesterday, one of my dear friends had the following in their facebook status...

Patience, Strength, Courage...

I have truly thought about this since I first read it, as well as every other quote I have posted and what I am trying to accomplish here in efforts to pick myself up off the ground.  I never said or thought it would be easy being positive.  It is taking every fiber of my being to not fall into the deep dark hole, especially when every single time I turn around something or someone is disappointing me.  

We are each on our own journey.  Each of us are on our very own adventure, encountering all kinds of challenges and the choices we make on that adventure will shape us as we go.. Those choices will stretch us and test us, and push us to our limit. And our adventure will make us stronger than we ever knew we could be.    ~  Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds 11/16/11

Find a place inside where there is joy and the joy will bring out the pain.    ~  Joseph Campbell 

I am thankful for having a (sleep comfort) bed to lay in and pillow to place my head upon each night. 

Blessings to all!!

203 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 115 ~ Don"t Judge, Don't Give Up!

I was catching up with friends on facebook part of the day today... Reading what everyone had to say and what they were up to.  A birthday here, a date there, wedding, hockey games...

Every so often I like to comment on my friend's walls or status updates, put my two cents in if you will.  Just a quick way to "pop-in", say hello and let them know I am thinking of them.

Quite often I laugh, other times I may cry or at least get a tear in my eye at the latest and greatest news on there.  Every so often someone posts something thought provoking...

It's hard to explain to someone who has no clue.  It's a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside.  Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone  you know has an invisible illness (PTSD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Diabetes, LUPUS, Fibromyalgia, MS, ME, Arthritis, Cancer, Heart Disease, Epilepsy, Autism, MD, etc..)  "Never judge what you don't understand."

Wow!  Did I say thought provoking?  Having been someone who has struggled with depression on and off most of my life, I could not agree with this statement more!  This is so on the money, they hit the nail on the head!!

I can't tell you the times that a friend has caught me on a bad day... they're in a great mood. life as usual... and me, well I can't snap out of it.

I can't tell you how many friends I have lost, or rather they stopped calling and inviting me places.  I guess a person can hear "Not today, I can't."   It's not like I can stop and snap out of it to explain... "I'm sorry, I am depressed today and can't go out and play."  OR  "My sons haven't called me....I am sad..."

I can't tell you how many times I have been invited to functions, parties, dinners, lunches or just to hang out, and I have declined.  Or better yet, I have committed to going and then at the last minute I have cancelled out and not shown up. 

Most of us are so quick to judge someone else just by a mere action or something said... myself included.  I am not innocent here by any means... especially when they just finished cutting me off on the road.

Instead of judging a book by its cover, read the back cover... ask questions... don't be so quick to judge or lay blame.  You never know you may learn something not only about the other person, but maybe about yourself as well.

The next time you're on the road, look at all the other cars on the road.  Now think of everything you have going on in your life and your history... then look back to those cars, to their passengers... they have lives and history too.

If you ever call a friend or a family member, and the phone rings and rings... you think something is out of wack... don't give up on your friend... ask questions... be there for them... make them laugh... make us laugh!  

Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurt.  ~  Penelope Sweet

Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.    ~  Grenville Kleiser

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.  ~e.e. cummings 

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to.      ~ Kahlil Gibran

Blessings to all!!

250 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.