Day 365 ~ "Zen"... ummmm... umm

What I Learned About Me... from A to Z

What have I learned about myself this past year {blogging}..?  hmmmm... First off... I would like to make sure you know up front... I never had blogged before until I started this blog 349 days ago.  Secondly... I never intended on learning anything.  HAHA! LOL!  No but seriously... It wasn't my intention...   Check out what my intention(s) were/are here.

So here goes... What I Learned About Me... from A to Z

"Z" is for...  Zen.

Miriam-Webster defines zen as a Japanese school of Mahayana Buddhism emphasizing the value of meditation and intuition rather than ritual worship or study of scriptures.  

However... what I am talking about is what the urban dictionary defines zen... a total state of focus that incorporates a total togetherness of body and mind. Zen is a way of being. It also is a state of mind. Zen involves dropping illusion and seeing things without distortion created by your own thoughts.

Okay... so now that you know what zen means... wink, wink.

Oh, I'm not saying that my life is all zen ... not by far... but I sure am working on it.  Yes working on it.  We can either focus on the negative or focus on the positive.  

I choose to focus on the positive.  Hey.. I'm not saying it is easy.  After all I am a survivor of depression (see... there's a positive statement).  As a side note... I think that depression is like alcoholism... {now hear me out...}  They are alike in the sense that you always have to work on not falling back into "old habits".  Once an alcoholic, that person survives it, however can never take a drink again.  With depression, you survive it and then need to handle sadness differently instead of allowing it to take over your life.

There are days where the negative tries to creep in... this is where the "work" comes in...  I get sad, bummed out at times.  Something will "trigger" my thoughts to think of my sons and what I could have done different [which I must accept as the past, which I can do nothing about today] outside of praying for them everyday... then I start missing them... then my heart aches for them... Then I have to stop myself.

Self stop!  wink, wink... seriously now... I have to force myself to think of both of my sons as healthy... that they're going to school and working... and leave the rest to God.  

So... I have come to learn that it's okay to have sad moments... the important thing is to recognize it right away and handle it different.  Get away from old habits.  Keep busy... focus on Calley... focus on my husband Dino... focus on how I can help my family... focus on how I can help my church... focus on helping those who are in bad times... focus on the positive in life.

Once I finally get all this down, I will have finally reached my Zen.

Remembering a wrong is like carrying a burden on the mind.  ~ Buddha

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.  ~Martin Luther King  

Tomorrow... my closing post.

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

0 days to go... {I DID IT!!!...  I can't believe it!...}

read about this count down in my "About my Blog" page

... for a, l & c.  you are my sunshine(s).

Images are courtesy of either google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barilá Karam and of this blog- Taking Back My Life ~ Making it My Own.  US Copyright law apply  ©

Day 301 ~ "D" is for Daughter

Depression, discipline and divorce, all came into my head at one time or another, for today's "D" word... But for some reason, I was not feeling it. Those words were just not going to do. Especially after the day I had today.  

As I was disciplining Calley today, for not obeying and not staying on task... my word finally came to me!  Daughter.  

All of a sudden memories of being a daughter myself rushed before me.  As quick as those memories came before me, memories of my divorce came before me (and how I handled it all) and the discovery that I had been dealing with depression for many years.  

I do not want any of this for my little girl!  I want to raise her to be a strong woman.  A woman that can stand on her own two feet.  A woman that can provide for herself.  A woman who is soft and gentle, sweet and pleasant to all.  A woman who has wonderful self esteem, and a confidence that will welcome people... as opposed to being unwelcoming or unapproachable.

I want all the things for my daughter that I didn't have.

The ways my parents treated me; the way my mother continues to (not) treat me.  Being lied to, played upon and manipulated... it all took my innocence away.  It all took the sparkle out of my eyes.

As I look at my baby girl... my heart saddens. Unfortunately, she gets in trouble a lot and  frequently is in time-out.  She definitely has a mind of her own.  Today, she went as far as telling me that she did not want to go into time-out, and cried as she as she stated that she can not stay out of trouble.

I do not want my daughter to spend most of her childhood in time-out (lol)... but on the other hand, she has to be disciplined.  After all, discipline starts in the home, right?  And I know that if she does not get disciplined, well... just the thought of it is unspeakable!

I became very frustrated today.  "Why doesn't she listen to me?", I continued to ask myself.  "What am I doing wrong?"  I follow through on all discipline.  Yes, I am strict with her, she needs it.  I can tell her to do something, and have trained her to repeat what I ask of her so she understands what is asked of her... she will acknowledge, then next thing I know... YUP! ... she's off to do something entirely different.  I notice, and she's back in time-out again.  Now mind you, I do talk to her.  I try to find out what going on, but to no avail... I get no where.  She doesn't know why she does what she does, and quite frankly... neither do I. 

I look at my mother in law, the daughter she was.  The wife and mother she is... she is an amazing woman!  I witnessed her put her life aside for over two years, to take care of her mother.  She did so until her mother literally took her last breath.  

I look at my sister in law... she is an absolute sweet heart.  She is a wonderful friend to her friends, a true pleasure to be around.  She's confident, funny, loving and straight to the point.

These two daughters, were loved and taken care of.  They were even respected by their parents.  They both have a loving family.

My Daughter, has a loving family.  (One down, big smile)  I really and truly want to lift my daughter up, not extinguish her light.  My daughter is my life.  I didn't give her life... she gave it to me.  

Bottom line, I am trying to give my daughter positiveness so that she learns positiveness.  I want to give her happiness so that she learns happiness.    I want to give her love so she learns love.  I want to give her a life for her to be proud of, so that one day she will be able to do the same for her children.

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on

But boys would be gone without the warmth from

A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man

Looking out for every girl

You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

~ John Mayer, partial lyrics to "Daughters"

Blogging A to Z Challenge April 2012... What will "E" have for us tomorrow?

Blessings to all!!

64 days to go...

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 300 ~ "C" is for Change!

Change... hmmmm and I'm not talking about what you may get back after paying for a purchase or President Obama either.  wink, wink.

After pondering most of my day away trying to come up with a good subject to blog about tonight, beginning with the letter  "C"... I was stuck on children and childhood, and no matter how I thought about it... well let's just say that it was taking me away from my happy place.

Then out of no where my darling daughter Calley (ooo another word starting with C) said she wanted to change what she was wearing, and the light bulb went off.  Sure I could have written about my daughter and the joy she brings to my life, but I do that anyway.  Big smile.

Change is a great, especially how I am looking at it.  Since starting to blog last June, I almost immediately noticed what was happening to me.  As each day went by with the publishing of a new post, I noticed something wonderful was happening.  I noticed I was walking a little lighter.  I noticed that rehashing and blogging about some of my issues was doing me good, although ultimately my goal is to help someone else besides myself. 

As time went on my self esteem and self confidence was affected, and growing with abundance within me.  I was learning things about myself that I had taken for granted.  I was being honest with myself about the good, the bad and the ugly.  I learned that the things that happened in my life, the things that had changed my core-being were not my fault, and it wasn't God's fault either.  I also learned that YES, I had taken responsibility for the bad choices I had made in my life (ooo another word starting with C), but I also had to forgive myself and take responsibility for the good choices I had made as well.

The last 300 days (YES DAY 300!- a true milestone if I ever saw one) have made a tremendous impact on my life, as well as my outlook on life.  Sure I may have a bad day here and there, but not as many as I used to.  The important part of this change is embracing all that has happened to me... the good, the bad and the ugly...  I embrace this change, because it has made me who I am today...

I, for one... will never be the same, thanks to Change!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

Blogging A to Z Challenge April 2012... What will "D" have for us tomorrow?

Blessings to all!!

65 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 217 ~ Moving Forward, Never Straight

There are two things I hate about being sick or laid back (whichever you prefer.)  

1. I feel forced to take it easy when there are tons to do, and
2. As if I was painted into a corner, I am forced to think about life's happenings, or rather being left with my thoughts [because there is only so much tv one can watch, and I had to stay off my computer most of the day (should have been all day).]

Needless to say, I am getting out of the house tomorrow!  (lol!)  I am taking the bloggeritis by its horns!

Seriously, I do not want to go down that road anymore.  I am so done with it.  I have to keep telling myself that I can not change the past... It is done and over... I can not control what others do or think... I need to accept what has happened and I need to look forward.  

Funny memory, I would always tell my sons that we always move forward in a car, not straight.  Answer at the end of this post.  

I also am aware, and keep reminding myself that I have learned from the past... I have become stronger from the past... I am who I am because of the past... I have accepted all that has happened and I am working for tomorrow.

As for each present moment I am a part of, I will continue to be the best person I can be... I will continue to take care of myself for a better lifestyle... I will do right by myself, giving myself new positive experiences to look back on.

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.  ~ Wayne Dyer

Begin to be now what you will be hereafter.  ~ William James

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.   ~ Norman Vincent Peale

Did you get it?  answer:  Most roads are not straight, they curve.  Hence, we move forward.

Blessings to all!!

148 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

Images are courtesy of Walt Disney, Walt Disney Studios and Bing images.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent or protect me from the guilty.  (just kidding...wink, wink)

Day 186 ~ It Will Happen!

Calley my li'l helper,
always on my left 

I feel very blessed that I have Dean and Calley in my life.  I feel blessed that each day gives me the opportunity to show them how much I love them.  Sure I tell them as often as I can that I love them... but what better way to tell your family that you love them than by cleaning their home, doing their laundry, making cookies, and preparing their meals.

I'd say they mean the world to me!  Especially, when I can eventually sit back and admire the fruits of my labor.  (wink, wink)

For as much as I am trying to hold back, I am starting to get excited because I will be having house-guest come stay for the holidays, and then some.  It's not that I do not want to tell you who it is... it is just that I am afraid that if I do tell you, it may not happen.

I know this sounds so weird.  Unfortunately, when it comes to things in my life that I really want to happen and... whether (insert sarcastic tone now) "I put it out there" or not something seems to happen... something spoils it.  After all my "house-guest" has been promising to visit for some time now, and if it wasn't for one thing, it was another, why the visit has not yet happen!  HOWEVER...  Things seem to happen for a reason.  (wink, wink)

The last six months of my life... my life seems to have started to turn around for me.  Either that, or I am just looking at it in a more positive light.  So with that in mind... I am going to allow myself to get a little excited... still holding back the name of my "house guest" as a surprise for all.  A surprise for myself included, because then i can blog about it! ...and it will get interesting!   (wink, wink- hopefully I have not "winked" at you to death!  LOL!) 

courtesy of Bing images

So keeping the last paragraph in mind... in preparation for the possibility of a "future" house-guest... I have been working on my home for the last couple of months- painting, replacing light fixtures, completing small unfinished projects and what not... and in the past week, I have really started cleaning my home from top to bottom, and now with the last minute chores to do and the finishing touches to put in place in the next thirty-eight hours... I am hoping that everything will be just right for my special "house guest."  Keeping in mind that if something does not go the way "I planned it"... it will be okay!   (I am trying to deal with control issues, lol!)


Be careful what you "will" for.  I hope I do not regret this ever.

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree:  the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.  ~Burton Hillis

It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.  ~W.T. Ellis 

Blessings to all!!

179 days to go...

PS... I love and miss you boys.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 163 ~ A Thankful Heart

Yesterday I woke up in a great mood enjoying everything the morning had to offer.  Then in a matter of one phone call everything went south!  

In a matter of minutes I went from happy to angry and cynical.  Most of my day was spent upset and angry at all the obstacles in my life, and the shortcomings that I have been faced with.  

My car situation, my sons, Calley, bills, money, the future, work and lack of, my mother, my sister...  AAAHHH!!

Now, all the while I am fighting these aggressive thoughts... WHY ME? etc... (I'm sure everyone of you has experienced something similar at some point in your lives)...  I am having an argument with my sister (rightfully so,) getting phone calls from Dino (my husband,) [where I basically told him that it would be better for him to leave me alone so I don't bite his head off,] and my mother in law is calling me ... reminding me of the strength that I possess.  

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning I had already decided that I was not going to allow life to get to me as it did yesterday.  Before my feet hit the floor I had prayed over and over for  God please see me through this, God please see me through this ... Please let some good come out of all of this, .Please let some good come out of all of this ...  over and over again.

Before my morning went on, I decided to take a few moments to shake off any bad feelings that may have stuck around from yesterday's "negative" ordeal.  I reminded myself of what I needed to be thankful for, the priorities of my life, as well as all the loving people in my life.

2002 Ford Explorer on loan from
Preowned Motorcars of Dallas

Then, what at first I was afraid to accept, was in all actuality a pretty great thing that was being offered to me...  a wonderful family friend, member of my Dream Team and my "li'l sister," Nicole, (her mother Yvonne and father Masoud included), has given me the use of her extra car!  A great running, dependable vehicle!  

Even though this is Nicole's car, it was a gift made possible by her father.  Therefore, my thankfulness goes out to her parents as well.  Through the years that my family and I have known Nicole and her family, I have gotten to know a family who is caring, loving, respectful, full of good principles and values, true believers of their faith in God, a true blessing in our lives.  

So here's my plug...  (one way I am able to show my gratitude ;)  )


Furthermore, if anyone in the Dallas area needs a great, dependable car... go see Masoud at Preowned Motorcars of Dallas.  I will never make the mistake of not purchasing my next family cars from him!  I am forever grateful to you and your family!

I can not find the words to express my gratitude, other than to simply say thank you!         

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues.    ~ Cicero

I am thankful because I am surrounded by such wonderful, positive, supportive, and loving people on a daily basis. 

Blessings to all!!

202 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 162 ~ Avoiding the Dark Side

ENOUGH!!  Do I have a huge BULLS-EYE on me or what!!  When is it going to stop?  

(courtesy of Bing Images)

This has truly been a dark day for me.  I have literally sat here with tears just rolling out of my eyes all day.  I have not been crying per say.  The tears are just making their way out on their own.  One rolling out after another.  

I tell you, I wish I could scream so loud for the entire world to hear!  AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

On Day 160 I shared with all of you that I had possession of my car, which lasted a total of ten days, of which once again on day one I discovered immediately that it had not been fixed.  Now, It has been sitting at the local Toyota dealership.

Through Toyota's inspection, I found out that the ECM was not replaced with a the new improved one (what we helped pay for,) instead an old one was in its place.  Our mechanic has never brought it in for programming since we have owned the vehicle, when he said he had.  The transmission, well, all they could tell was that it had been taken out of the vehicle.  No way of knowing if it had been replaced or not.

At the suggestion of the assistant service manager, I called Toyota Customer Care.  He said that I would have a better chance of getting them to take care of the KNOWN ISSUE and that  it should have been a RECALL, instead of the SERVICE BULLETIN they had issued.  

Unlike by CBK

Well... Toyota will not cover my car because it is 9,000 miles over the enhanced warranty and that the warranty had already been extended.  I expressed to the man that I had bought the car at 154,000 miles without hesitation knowing that Toyotas run nearly forever.  All he kept responding to me was, I AM SORRY TOYOTA HAS ALREADY EXTENDED THE WARRANTY over and over again.  

I WANTED TO REACH THROUGH THE PHONE AND STRANGLE HIM!!

SO my hands are tied.  No telling if they will honor the class action law suit for me or if the place we bought it from, Master Auto Sales in association with ALLTech Auto will honor their warranty.

The assistant service manager told me that he called my mechanic and let him know that my car needed the new ECM.  My mechanic (and I will use the term loosely!) responded to him that he would have one of his guys pick up the old part within the half hour and return with the new one. 

That was at 10:30 this morning and now it is almost 6:00 in the evening... CAN YOU GUESS?  YUP!! You were right!  HE DID NOT PICK UP THE PART.

Yesterday, one of my dear friends had the following in their facebook status...

Patience, Strength, Courage...

I have truly thought about this since I first read it, as well as every other quote I have posted and what I am trying to accomplish here in efforts to pick myself up off the ground.  I never said or thought it would be easy being positive.  It is taking every fiber of my being to not fall into the deep dark hole, especially when every single time I turn around something or someone is disappointing me.  

We are each on our own journey.  Each of us are on our very own adventure, encountering all kinds of challenges and the choices we make on that adventure will shape us as we go.. Those choices will stretch us and test us, and push us to our limit. And our adventure will make us stronger than we ever knew we could be.    ~  Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds 11/16/11

Find a place inside where there is joy and the joy will bring out the pain.    ~  Joseph Campbell 

I am thankful for having a (sleep comfort) bed to lay in and pillow to place my head upon each night. 

Blessings to all!!

203 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.