Day 365 ~ "Zen"... ummmm... umm

What I Learned About Me... from A to Z

What have I learned about myself this past year {blogging}..?  hmmmm... First off... I would like to make sure you know up front... I never had blogged before until I started this blog 349 days ago.  Secondly... I never intended on learning anything.  HAHA! LOL!  No but seriously... It wasn't my intention...   Check out what my intention(s) were/are here.

So here goes... What I Learned About Me... from A to Z

"Z" is for...  Zen.

Miriam-Webster defines zen as a Japanese school of Mahayana Buddhism emphasizing the value of meditation and intuition rather than ritual worship or study of scriptures.  

However... what I am talking about is what the urban dictionary defines zen... a total state of focus that incorporates a total togetherness of body and mind. Zen is a way of being. It also is a state of mind. Zen involves dropping illusion and seeing things without distortion created by your own thoughts.

Okay... so now that you know what zen means... wink, wink.

Oh, I'm not saying that my life is all zen ... not by far... but I sure am working on it.  Yes working on it.  We can either focus on the negative or focus on the positive.  

I choose to focus on the positive.  Hey.. I'm not saying it is easy.  After all I am a survivor of depression (see... there's a positive statement).  As a side note... I think that depression is like alcoholism... {now hear me out...}  They are alike in the sense that you always have to work on not falling back into "old habits".  Once an alcoholic, that person survives it, however can never take a drink again.  With depression, you survive it and then need to handle sadness differently instead of allowing it to take over your life.

There are days where the negative tries to creep in... this is where the "work" comes in...  I get sad, bummed out at times.  Something will "trigger" my thoughts to think of my sons and what I could have done different [which I must accept as the past, which I can do nothing about today] outside of praying for them everyday... then I start missing them... then my heart aches for them... Then I have to stop myself.

Self stop!  wink, wink... seriously now... I have to force myself to think of both of my sons as healthy... that they're going to school and working... and leave the rest to God.  

So... I have come to learn that it's okay to have sad moments... the important thing is to recognize it right away and handle it different.  Get away from old habits.  Keep busy... focus on Calley... focus on my husband Dino... focus on how I can help my family... focus on how I can help my church... focus on helping those who are in bad times... focus on the positive in life.

Once I finally get all this down, I will have finally reached my Zen.

Remembering a wrong is like carrying a burden on the mind.  ~ Buddha

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.  ~Martin Luther King  

Tomorrow... my closing post.

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

0 days to go... {I DID IT!!!...  I can't believe it!...}

read about this count down in my "About my Blog" page

... for a, l & c.  you are my sunshine(s).

Images are courtesy of either google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barilá Karam and of this blog- Taking Back My Life ~ Making it My Own.  US Copyright law apply  ©

Day 97 ~ Next Time CALGON!

Why is it that when you go to bed with angels on your pillows, with nothing but good intentions of waking up the next day and having a fabulous day... but then low and behold... sometime between the time you fell asleep, the seven hours that went by, and then waking up ... all hell breaks loose!!

One thing that didn't help was that I wasn't feeling well... been fighting a sinus headache for the past couple of days... but that doesn't constitute being in such a horrendous mood.

Well let's see...

~ I have been talking, chatting, skype-ing and even playing words with friends with Addison... off and on for a few weeks now...  ~ I'm hoping that this is just an example of good things to come!

~I have not been able to get a hold of Logan since a week or so after Mother's day... this doesn't help any at all- he or I especially when he is at such a vulnerable age (20) with so many choices and decisions to be made

~Tried calling my mother... no response!  What else is new!  Especially when she was suppose to help me out with something this past week.  Why give your word on something and then not follow through?!  History repeating itself, once again!  I guess I should know better.... so this one's on me!

~Tried calling my sister... no response!  What else is new!!??  She was suppose to have come through on something for me as well..

~Wake up, and as I mentioned not feeling well... the house is a wreck!

~This is now WEEK 25 of my NO CAR dilemma... Even under warranty, we gave them $400 for what seemed to be for the computer, that was in the beginning of June... we thought we would be getting back my car within two weeks at that point.  Oh and by the way, a year ago this week we bought both Dino's and my cars!  This is not the first time it has been at the shop either... so,with that, I'd be lucky if I drove my car for three months... IF THAT! 

~This evening, I once again try to call Logan, my second son... but to no avail... no answer...  and no I can not leave a message [because it makes some strange noise and does not give you the opportunity to do so], and I text him from my google number... and nothing.. I didn't go all "psycho-dialing",  well I only tried calling four times... but still to no avail... nothing.

So... instead of yelling "CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!" ... I guess I took the low row and opted to be in a crappy mood.

You know what that means... crappy mood = bad negative thoughts!

Why!?  Well, as far as I am concerned you, or rather I am completely stressed about some obligations we have, and and does not help that I can't talk to Logan.

I know my son is twenty... however twenty year old(s) not only still need hugs, but they need their moms too!

Now some constructive criticism to myself...  I overheard this on tv earlier and it has been repeating itself in my head off and on since ..."Do you think that possibly MY expectations

are a little bit too high?"   Good question, huh?  OR...

Maybe I just need to hang in there, and continue to give it to my higher being...

Let go... let God!

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.  ~Aristotle

A mother's heart is a patchwork of love.  ~Author Unknown

Blessings to all!!


268 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 64 ~ "Let's See Where This Goes" Approach ;)

As you may have already noticed I am not continuing with "part tres" of "My Fight Begins" tonight.  

I have thought about this for most of my day today.  Do I want to just write about it all and GET IT OVER WITH... or...do I want to break it up?  Which by doing so, gives me a break on having to re-live it all at once.- However, this method is like removing a band-aid very slowly, making the pain last longer. 

I mentioned in the first part of this series that if my goal is to help some one other than myself with my experiences... then, I have to put it (my story and myself) out there.  

courtesy of Bing images

And even as I sit here writing this, I am still indecisive!

Listen, I have been going through all of this all my life, what's a little longer?  Well. I just want to put it out there and then place it all in a BALLOON! and get it over with!!  I want to lead a positive life, and the sooner I can get it all out, the sooner I can start living!

What's wrong with little bits here and there, with a little POSITIVENESS in between?

courtesy of Bing images

Well that settles it!  I will continue it in a few days... maybe this will be the topic for each Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday or just Tuesday and Thursday, until it's all said and done? ... Or ... Maybe just maybe, I'll get it out there every few days?  How about taking a "let's see where this goes" approach?  

That's it!...

It's settled.  I will continue this series every few days with a "Let's see where this goes" approach.  

With all that said, I would like to let you know that I have been sub-consciously, or maybe even consciously,  dreading the inevitable... sharing my fight for my children.  This even goes back to writing my book.  

I have dragged my feet on this because I knew that I would have to re-live it all ... and not only that ... but I am really putting forth an effort on being positive.  Setting a good example, as you will.  What shakes me up once in a while is the thought of the possibility of Calley, my beautiful little girl, learning negativity from me.

I am not going to lie to you, but there has been a couple of times that I have witnessed Calley doing something negative... where did she get this from?  Well, hellooo! ... ME!!  Oh my gosh!  The last thing I ever want is for Calley to experience is needless negativity.

My wish is for her to be everything I am not!  I wish that she will be strong and self confident.  Approachable, smart and with wonderful self esteem.  I would like her to be whatever she'd like, even if it's something I would not choose for her.  I wish for her to be happy! and most of all to love herself!!

Now, now... I am not trying to be hard on myself, don't forget I am working on myself.  Trying to change negative behavior and thoughts... Just so tired of being down and sad.  I wish all those things for myself and I know that one day I will be all those wonderful things I want for my daughter, and sons for that matter.

courtesy of Bing images

My eldest son just told me this evening that he was going to try out for the Navy Seals tomorrow... so many different feelings and thoughts!  One of which...the last thing I want, is for something to happen to my son!  However, this is something he wants and I am very proud of him for setting such a great goal!!  He has a great outlook... kind of a "let's see what happens" approach.   ;)   

I can tell that he doesn't want to get his hopes up... BUT...  I am his mother and I believe that he can do whatever he sets his mind to... and if it's meant to be, well, I believe that HE WILL BE GREAT AT IT!!  Great things will happen for him!!  

Wonderful things are in store for all my children! and for me and Dean!!

My children are a beautiful reflection of God's love.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”  Dr. Seuss 

Blessings to all!!

301 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 23 ~ "words" ... Use Them Wisely

Once again, open mouth, insert foot!  Have you ever said something... and just as the words are coming out of your mouth- one by one, you are simultaneously cringing, and in  great disbelief of what you are actually saying? 

Well NOT ME!  Ha!!... I wish I could say that!  Really... Lord knows that I have had my share of stupidity come out of my mouth!

What prompts this?  You ask?  ...  Well, let's just say that I said something stupid which as a result hurt someone who I love... I hurt their feelings.  [In order to protect the privacy of my family, I am going to keep details on the QT or on the down low]... you choose ... either way you look at it.. I was wrong, I said something stupid without thinking, I admit it, groveled and apologized.  Good thing I'm loved! ...  Just saying!

After having dodged that "bullet" (jk or just kidding for those of you who are chat slang challenged- CSC)  ....

courtesy of Bing images

I am taking a stroll down memory lane... remembering all the harsh, ugly and hurtful words that once were said to me by people who claimed to love me.  I am referring to the people in your life who were suppose to love you to no ends, take care of you and keep you from harm's way.~ My father and then my first husband (the father of my two sons.)  I went "out of the frying pan and into the fire!" literally!!


[NOT Dino... Are you kidding me!?  Dino would never say anything hurtful to me... ever!]

People who tell you that they love you should never, ever make you feel so low or worse yet, unloved or unwanted!   


Your father should not belittle you... let alone do it in front of others.  As I am writing this I am thinking..."I do not want to drag my father through the mud by any means"... however... the lack of respect, lack of remorse shown for his actions and the years of humiliation... Well it changes you!


Being married to a man (first husband) who promised to love you forever (whatever that means!) and then he cheats on you (whilst you were pregnant,) lies to you and then takes your children and does everything possible to alienate them from you and also lies about you to them and lies to you about them~ all to keep a mother from her two boys just to be vengeful and spiteful!.. not to mention all the times he called me the most horrific names... He just took what little self-esteem and self-worth I had left and just SQUASHED IT!!... ... Well it changes you! 


Bottom line...


Please think before you say anything.  Think twice.  I have always said.. "that the words that come out of your mouth can not be taken back... once said, that's it!  they will leave a mark!" 

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.             Luke 6:37

Blessings to all!

342 days to go.


All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 15 ~ Life Updates...

Round and round, ugh, argh, OH EM GEE!!!  I, I ... ai yai yai...

I just don't know what to say ... 

So much going on...  Please answer me this.. Does everyone else have as much DRAMA going on in their lives, want it OR not... can I possibly be the only one on earth going through as much as I am.  I mean --   COME ON...  SERIOUSLY?? 

My blog, in no way was intended to be used to deal with the challenges life has presented me with as of lately...  HOWEVER maybe if you can see what I'm up against, then possibly you will be able to understand or possibly have a glimpse as to why I tick the way I do...

LIFE'S UPDATES...

Updates by Stuart Miles

1.   WEEK 13 - NO CAR!!!!  Car not ready, All parts and transmission are at a transmission shop, but its not getting done.  First its the transmission, then its not, then its the computer, and now the transmission is getting rebuilt.  What the HecK!  Oh, it's under warranty.

2.   Blackberry Enlightenment...  "Merit" finally comes forth - SHE GOES TO THE POLICE TO FILE A COMPLAINT STATING SHE WANTS ME TO STOP SENDING MESSAGES ON FB  (Police said NOT going to happen... I'm not doing anything wrong!) SHE SHOWS UP WITH A DIFFERENT PHONE (She stated she found it at the same place I lost my phone... ***WHICH COME TO FIND OUT MY PHONE FELL OUT OF MY CAR AT THE MARKET not AT PETER PIPER'S.. Answers given to my questions made me think it happened at Peter Piper's and SHE did not correct me)  "Merit" and her friend's efforts BACKFIRE! (Yes, somehow I found her calls and messages which she had made using the OTHER phone she found BUT SOMEHOW her calls all showed up on my phone records- BUT NOW she claims she did not find my phone!)  "Merit" with two of her friends (Someone please tell her that they are not good for her!)... which have such a hold on her that the Police officer even noticed it,.  Police officer said that several times she asked "Merit"questions, "Merit" wanted to answer, both friends prevent her from talking... Police see right through it.  They see I have filed charges against her.  "Merit leaves Police station feeling defeated!"

3. Both my sons have not only lost respect for me, but they do not want me in their lives.  All I  have to say about this is that "Sometimes words are spoken out of anger for the mere purpose of hurting the person they were intended  for."  and out of spite.  How sad.

4.  Calley has her environmental allergies which seem to be on hiatus for the past two and a half weeks, but still hold a dark cloud over our heads... Do we move?  Almost seems inevitable...  Is taking a chance on Calley's discomfort for one more year worth a shot?  So many uncertainties... 

5.  My job... well keeping this on the down low.  Not happy... not happy what-so-ever!  Let's just say that YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH or better yet WALK THE TALK!!  (I better stop before I say something I am not ready to talk about).  Let me finish by saying that I am a person who walks her talk... and expects the same 

6.  El Paso...  WOW!  Well, all I have to say is that I can not handle HEAT anymore (not to mention that most drivers need their licences re-evaluated)!

7.  Oh and let's not forget that my 30th high school reunion is around the corner ... AND... well... I better start working out!!  "I'm just saying!"  

One Word... O V E R W H E L M I N G ! !  Life is being unreasonable and overwhelming at the moment!!

Blessings to all...

350 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 5 ~ Life... It "Changes" You.

When I went to bed last night, I can honestly say that I felt great.  I had finished writing my "Day 4" entry with fourteen minutes left to the day.  I made it in time...~ by midnight!! It was such a big accomplishment and I felt great about it.  I had gotten a lot of my feelings out, and even though I had tears in my eyes for most of it, the dreaded re-living of the past felt ok.  It was as if I had gone to the top of the tallest mountain (with a twirly skirt on) and screamed it all out.  

This morning when I woke I wanted it to be a positive day, and it was until someone rained on my parade and reminded me how negative I was.  I didn't argue or get mad.  As a matter of fact I agreed.  

Well, let me just say that when even the only two people in the entire world that you are "suppose to trust" in your life (your parents) do not keep you safe nor put you first in their lives as a "child"... well let's just say that it changes you.

Then you marry a man that you think will always keep you safe and your suppose to "live happily ever after" with, and he turns out to be the person who constantly cheats on you, is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, pushes you around, alienates you from your friends, tries to do the same with your family and then accomplishes it with your children... well let's just say that it changes you.

courtesy of Bing images

You fight for your own happiness because it is obvious to you that if you don't, no one else will.  You fight to have your children, only to find out that the man you once married concocts up a story with his "new wife" that I "inappropriately" touched my innocent little three year old little boy, and then they put my three year old and six and a half year old little boys in positions to lie to people of authority about their mother... well let's just say that it changes you. 

I know that life is not perfect, and Lord knows that neither am I.  I take responsibility for my own actions, as well as the fact that I completely ignored the "red" flags. Did I deserve any of this?  I don't know.  But I will tell you what I do know... I know that my boys did not deserve to be played as "pawns" in a divorce/custody battle, nor to have their mother torn apart before their eyes and taken from them.  Divorce... well let's just say it changes you. 

Blessings to all!

360 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.