Day 141 ~ Believing In Myself

Seems to me that I may be onto something here... today I found myself once again surprising myself.  

"I have to forgive my sons' father. not for him... but for me.  I have allowed what he has done to me to affect me and my life for far too long.  I actually let all of it happen to me by not believing in myself and not standing up to him .  As far as my boys... well although they are young men now and are old enough to do as they please... this is now their choice.  They are allowing their father to continue to "brainwash" and lay controlling head games with them.  I love them and always will.  They are my sons and I do forgive them... but if they insist on not talking to me, it isn't for something I did.  As an afterthought, they may be upset at me because of my blog... I stand by what I write and believe in everything I say,  I have done nothing wrong, and write of the truth.  I would do this all over again."

As much as my heart aches for my boys, I believe in what I am doing just as much.  I realize that they have not been under the best tutelage, however they should remember what we went through together, and their father's continued suggestions to not contact me.  

Regardless, now... it is all in the past, can't change it.  All I can do is be the best I can be for myself, and my family.  And as far as the time we continue to spend apart... well, I will continue my blog for them [because I know that one day they will thank me for it,] and I will make them proud of me.

Today I came across the following quote, "I bless the past with love, take a deep breath, and move gently into the new." by Louise L. Hay.  For some reason Louise continues to pop into my life just at the right time, with just the right words.  She could not be anymore accurate.  I'm sure you would agree with me that Louise L. Hay is definitely on my "Dream Team."  

I have to admit that after having read these quotes, I realized that I am actually believing in myself, really liking what I am about and where I am heading.  I can't believe I just wrote that, because I actually am feeling it! 

Every day it gets easier to look into my own eyes in the mirror and say, "I love you just the way you are."  ~ Louise L. Hay

Received word that Shelly is doing well in her recovery process, however is in a lot of pain.  Please continue to pray for my friend's pain to subside and for a quick, healthy recovery.




 Blessings to all!!

224 days to go...


All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 65 ~ "Life" ... It Is What It Is... Therefore, I Am Who I Am

courtesy of Bing images

Talk about a "milestone"...  65 days! ... with 300 to go!  

I feel awesome!!  What a great accomplishment... sure I have had good days and some bad ones... however... the GOOD out weigh the bad!

I feel as each day that I write, I am cleansing my soul... who would have ever "thunk" that by my writing and getting life's twists and turns off of my chest would make me feel so good.

More importantly, getting "myself" on a paper is serving several purposes in my "eyes"...

1. Cleansing/healing of my mind, body and soul
2. Leaving something for my children for them to understand why "I tick" the way I do
3. Helping someone else through my experiences

Furthermore, I also realize that "my healing" may not be for some people...  and Frankly, I don't care.  I have already had some bozo leave me a couple of rude comments, and ticked off a member of my family...

Really? ... I DO NOT CARE !

Let me rephrase that a little... I am not trying to bash anyone, this is not what I am setting out to do.  I am writing of my life's experiences and how they have affected me.  Emphasis on my life's experiences.  Therefore, it is not up for discussion! or rather argument.  I went through things and saw, felt and heard things which ultimately affected me... 

courtesy of Bing images

Therefore, let me reiterate... MY EXPERIENCES ARE NOT UP FOR ARGUMENT OR DISCUSSION.  I am expressing myself as I encountered life...

It is what it is, therefore I am who I am !

So if you by chance do not like what I write about what I went through... well think about it... how do you think I felt having to go through it all !?

As I have expressed before, I am not here to disrespect anyone... If anything, if you really give it some thought... actually... I was the one that was disrespected.

There... now all of that ... IN A BALLOON!! 

courtesy of Bing images

To reiterate to some of you, and at the risk of sounding redundant to others... By my writing, or blogging, if you will, I am healing by leaps and bounds.  The best part of it all, (figuratively speaking,) I am releasing all of this negativity that has been weighing me down.. and holding me back... and am placing it all into a "balloon", letting it go... and that's it!  It is behind me!  

I strongly feel that if there ever will be a reason to revisit it, it will only be to explain it all more to my children and/or to help someone else in their healing process.

With 300 days to go (at least, who knows?)...  I am excited to see where this all takes me.

I am willing to let go of the past and heal.

I approve of myself and feel great about myself.

I have no need to do what others think I should. I am strengthened by doing the things I love to do.

  

Blessings to all!!

300 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 51 ~ My Dream Team Continues to Grow with Angels!

courtesy of Bing images

Life has given me ups, downs and in-betweens, that's for sure.  But the thing I am most grateful for, has been the "Angels" that have been placed in my life!

I have had my struggles with family, which I am sure that that will be endless... however, one constant, has been my friends, or rather what I like to refer to as my "Angels" on my "Dream Team"!

It may have not been apparent at the time, and the world may have felt as it was ending... BUT as I look back, I have always had my "Angels" by my side.

I mentioned that through my blogging, my desire is to be able to help someone else through my experiences... which in turn in my eyes would have made it worth it having gone through what I did.  All the days and nights that I spent in fetal position, all the tears shed, all the moments longing for my children... ALL OF IT WOULD BE WORTH IT if I can spare someone else from going through it.

courtesy of Bing images

Life has a funny way of doing things... a funny way of putting something or SOMEONE in your path of life...

Monday, when Dean, Calley and I were headed to the beach, we were indecisive as to where we wanted to go... so we just went where our feet took us...

Before I knew it, I spent my day not only with my family, but with a new Angel in my life!!  Alysia.  Not only that, but as we talked and shared, I discovered that we were meant to meet!  You see, she is going through a horrible divorce from a controlling man, who wants to take her children from her!  As I shared my story with her, as well as my blog, it was as if the heavens opened up and was shinning on us both!  Seriously!!  

I do not want to get too personal with her story, and I do not know if you want to call it fate, us meeting that is... however, I certainly think so and sincerely hope that I can help her fight and not give up.  

For a mother, it is second nature to put our children's needs before our own, and with that said, we need to do what is right for them, even if it takes a lifetime.  Believe me you never want to hear the words... "why didn't you fight harder for me?!" ... as I did from my Logan.  It broke my heart!  and I thought I fought... I just saw how tired their little faces were of all the court dates, counseling, etc... but I should have gone to trial!  "Shoulda, coulda, woulda!!!"

Alysia, was not the only "Angel" placed in my path this week...

Last night I had the most amazing night at one of my dearest "Dream Team" Angels... :)   Talk about a house full of angels... Jeannie has been a part of my life for twenty-five years now!!  We met as neighbors, and not only that but we were pregnant with our first borns... who ultimately were born nine days apart!!

Jeannie, has seen me get knocked down (figuratively speaking), and witnessed my marriage to my sons' father... she even socked him in the stomach once!  Got him good too!!!

Prior to my heading over to her home, I received a text from her asking if it was ok to have one of her many children over too because she herself just broke up with her (controlling and verbally abusive man, several years her elder) boyfriend.  I told Jeannie... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Of course not!!!

When we got there... Jeannie shared with me that she thought they were supposed to get together tomorrow night, however my Angel was thinking...  Diana needed to come over TONIGHT!!!  It was meant to be!!!

What an amazing young lady.  Diana is my eldest son's age, 24, and already has seen the devil, more than once!  (ha ha- just kidding, oh well, maybe not!)  SO sad to see someone so young going through such ugliness in a relationship!  The great thing about it... they did not marry and do not have children together!!!  That definitely is a plus... now, to get all the ugliness out of her and bring her up to the place she should be at!  Hold her head up high, believing in herself and best of all... loving herself!!  

Diana, first of all... you made it through night one!! Major accomplishment!!  and secondly... you have not only Jeannie by your side, but Chelsea & Becki (angels in training!!  heck not!!... they are already Angels... and they're mine too!! - after all their mama is Jeannie!!!)  Be strong and know that you can always count on ALL OF US!

I know I had, and continue to have bad experiences from my marriage to my boys' father... and I never EVER thought I would say this... BUT...

I truly feel blessed for having gone through what I did with my children and their father... today I am a strong woman because of it! It is said that we should embrace our experiences in life, after all, it makes us who we are today!!

I have close friends who nurture me and make me laugh.

I am open to friendship, and I now attract the most wonderful new friends to me.

My circle of friendship continues to grow beyond what I ever expected 

Blessings to all!!

314 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Day 37 ~ I Only "Shop" the Clearance Racks!

As I approached my computer tonight, I was wondering what I was going to write about.  So... I checked into Facebook to see what was going on, and this is the first thing I read...

If you're NOT being treated with love & respect, check your "price tag". Perhaps you have marked yourself down. It's you who tell people what you're worth BY WHAT YOU ACCEPT AND EXPECT! Get off the "clearance rack" and get behind the glass where they keep all the "valuables." The bottom line is....."value" yourself more.  Re-post if you like...You might help someone get off the "clearance rack".

Ok.  Who's been tapping into my brain?  As I read this, the first thing that came to mind was... Where was Facebook when I was growing up? One thing is for sure, their founders weren't even born yet!!  OUCH!  How's that for a stinger!  LOL!


Ah, you know... I think what matters in the here and now is that I now know that I am worth more than I ever possibly thought.  And I will never allow anyone to treat me badly again, not even my boys.

February 1994, Seattle, Wa

I know I mentioned that my boys, (who are men now) and I have been estranged for the last two years.  Well is what happened... my eldest and I got into an argument because I had been talking to who was then the newest of the ex'es in his father's life, the woman that helped "his" father take his brother and he away from me.  He did not like it.  He reminded me of all the things she did to his brother and he, as well as to me.  And of course, all I could hear was "his" father trying to control me through him.


He proceeded to tell me that his father was the "one" that had always been by his side.  I quickly reminded him that "his" father did not communicate many things to me, lied to me, kept them from me, and he himself had been witness etc... and that I did not appreciate what he was saying.  I also remember asking him why it was okay for "his" father to make friends with a man that I used to see that was way more abusive, not only mentally but physically, but it was not okay for me.


Somehow my words were not heard, and what was "heard" was that I had disowned both of my sons.  


Now two years later I feel used, trampled on and very hurt.  Not only by my children, but by the woman who so deeply apologized for her part in taking my children from me.  I did forgive her then, but now... "she" has backed away from our friendship because I had told my son that "she" had been filling me in on things about them to help me out.  Did she expect me to lie to my boys?  I don't keep anything from my boys... "homie don't play that game!"  Well, I definitely do not need friends like that.  Once again she hurt me.  And that was the last time.


It is not that I chose to be friends with her, than to honor my son's request... It was a matter of principle.  I was not going to allow my son to follow in his father's footsteps.  I could hear "his" father talk right through him.  Would I do it again knowing that both my sons would stop talking to me for what now has been two years?  Probably.  Why?  Because I value myself more than that.  Besides what would I be teaching my sons?  It's okay to control women? It's okay to treat people the way their father does?  No, I can't do that.


What would you do?

Courtesy of Bing images

I know that I have missed out in both of their lives, let alone Calley, their little sister has not seen them since she two.  Now, the fact that they do not show me any respect, only drives me more to teach them what is right... even if it means not seeing and talking to them.  I would never forgive myself if I had not tried and then they end up treating others like this, let alone their wives.  


One day they will see how bad all of this was, how much time we wasted apart, and I hope and pray they understand why I did it.  I can not tell you enough how much I love my sons, I would do anything for them... but what I will not do is live on the "clearance rack"!!

My Worth as a Human Being is Unconditional

Blessings to all!

328 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 32 ~ I'm Here... Where Ever You Are...

Courtesy of Bing images

I'm sure you've noticed some changes on here... well I've been doing some researching so that my blog may get more exposure.  Why do I want exposure?  Well, if I do not put my blog out there, how will I ever be able to reach out to that person out there which may be experiencing some of the same things that I am writing about?

I  know that I said that I want my blog to be a sort of a legacy to my children, and that it is.  But I also would like to help someone... someone that may feel alone, against the world and fighting her own demons.  I underwent my divorce and the "custody battle" (which is a long story and I haven't decided on the approach~ but will tell at another time), which lasted a total of five years... yes five years! (another day, another time) all alone!  

My entire family was more than eleven hundred miles away in Los Angeles... sure would have been nice to have had them down the street.  Don't get me wrong I would talk to them on the phone and they came to court I think it was for two days~ but it's not the same.  I felt very alone!

Courtesy of Bing images

Well, if you are out there, feeling as if you are alone against the world... I know the feeling.  But more importantly... I'm here for you!!  Don't waste your valuable time, as I did, in fetal position.  I took me sometime, but I eventually learned that I was allowing all the bad things that happened to me win by doing that!!


NOT ANYMORE!!!  


I'm the winner here!  It took me a while, but I have come to the realization that all I was doing is hurting myself and wasting my life!  Not to mention putting a big wedge between me and my boys... after all it is their father that screwed me up!  But that my dears is giving him too much credit!  


I needed to do something!! and finally between being married to a great guy, and having a beautiful daughter... I have found blogging!!! 


Where ever you are out there, I hope you are reading this.  We can get past this!  I promise we can!!

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:2

Blessings to all!

333 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 31 ~ The Blackberry Bandit... Will She Get Away With It?

Courtesy of Bing images

The other day, Dean and I were kicking back, chill-axing as I like to say (chilling and relaxing,) talking, and somehow we ended up on the subject of my stolen Blackberry.  I was giving him an update on my Blackberry Blunder...... I had spoken to the detective assigned to my theft report, and he was going to look into it more and get back to me.  I can not give up on this 23 year old and give her the go ahead to mess up her life even more.  She needs to learn that you do not steal.  Then all of a sudden... Dean puts the brakes on!!!

What?!  

Well, Dino was a little apprehensive to tell me because he knows how wrong this is and how we need to follow through.  So, he  proceeds to tell me that he has mixed feelings about my going forward with filing charges against Merit Velasco for the theft of my Blackberry (- RIGHT OUT OF MY PURSE!!)

You see we have Calley to think about.  It appears that Merit does not have good influence from her family and friends, let alone have "good" friends and we do not know her one bit... After all, she does have both her father and brother in jail... What if she seeks revenge upon us and sicks her family and friends on us... This situation is horrible, I hate the thought of backing off.  I do not want us to be looking over our shoulders and especially with Calley... This upsets me because this is precisely the reason why people back out of filing charges against thieves and violators... because they feel threatened in some way or in fear for their family and children... and if it wasn't for Calley...

Oh my G!! I could not believe what I was hearing... I could literally feel my temperature rising... and then I put the brakes on me!!! 

It wasn't that I did not agree with Dean... I did!!  BUT, what was infuriating me, was the fact that this girl was going to get away with stealing from us.  It is no wonder why our society is falling apart!!  This totally SUCKS!!  There I said It!!

Courtesy of Bing images

Let me ask you...  What would you do?  Do I back off?  Do I let evil once again win?!

One thing is for sure... I am going to communicate this to the detective and see what he says... and go from there.  I doubt very seriously that we will be put in a "safe house" or in "protective custody", let alone have a "squad car" parked in front of our house... right!  for a Blackberry?  Seriously now, I doubt it very much.  LMBO! (laughing my butt off for the "internet slang challenged")  

but if it happens after sunrise, the defender is guilty of bloodshed. “Anyone who steals must certainly make restitution, but if they have nothing, they must be sold to pay for their theft. Exodus 22:3

Blessings to all!

334 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 22 ~ Keep On Keeping On!

by Master Isolated Images

Other than what's been going on in Carla's World (being a victim of the Blackberry Bandit, being bit by a dog, Week 12 No Car,) I would have to say that I have been feeling really good - both emotionally and physically.  

As I start Week 3 of my blog, I will have to say that this is the best thing I have done for myself in a very long time.  Actually, I can't remember the last time I have done something so healthy for myself!  I am actually sticking to it without hesitation, as opposed to not wanting to get up and go to the gym after the third day (just kidding- but you get the idea.)

I would have to say that as I get my day going, I am already wondering what I am going to write about at the end of my day.  I actually can't wait!  I allow myself to start thinking about things, but stop to allow my day to inspire me at the end.  I may have a few ideas of what I may want to talk, but in the end it's whatever comes to mind about how I may be feeling about life.

As each day go by, I feel a little lighter and today was no different.  I wish I had not procrastinated so long, however the timing could not be any better!   

I decided to look up Bible verses having to do with writing or thoughts, and once again I think someone is listening (or reading my blog) "up there!"  There it was, the first verse I come across...

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?   Psalm 13:2  (NIV)

All I have to say is.... NOT ANY MORE!!  No more wrestling and No more sorrow (well, it's not gone, but at least it doesn't seem to hurt AS much)!  Are you kidding ME!?  I will not allow ANYONE to triumph over me!

Blessings to all!

343 days to go.


All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 15 ~ Life Updates...

Round and round, ugh, argh, OH EM GEE!!!  I, I ... ai yai yai...

I just don't know what to say ... 

So much going on...  Please answer me this.. Does everyone else have as much DRAMA going on in their lives, want it OR not... can I possibly be the only one on earth going through as much as I am.  I mean --   COME ON...  SERIOUSLY?? 

My blog, in no way was intended to be used to deal with the challenges life has presented me with as of lately...  HOWEVER maybe if you can see what I'm up against, then possibly you will be able to understand or possibly have a glimpse as to why I tick the way I do...

LIFE'S UPDATES...

Updates by Stuart Miles

1.   WEEK 13 - NO CAR!!!!  Car not ready, All parts and transmission are at a transmission shop, but its not getting done.  First its the transmission, then its not, then its the computer, and now the transmission is getting rebuilt.  What the HecK!  Oh, it's under warranty.

2.   Blackberry Enlightenment...  "Merit" finally comes forth - SHE GOES TO THE POLICE TO FILE A COMPLAINT STATING SHE WANTS ME TO STOP SENDING MESSAGES ON FB  (Police said NOT going to happen... I'm not doing anything wrong!) SHE SHOWS UP WITH A DIFFERENT PHONE (She stated she found it at the same place I lost my phone... ***WHICH COME TO FIND OUT MY PHONE FELL OUT OF MY CAR AT THE MARKET not AT PETER PIPER'S.. Answers given to my questions made me think it happened at Peter Piper's and SHE did not correct me)  "Merit" and her friend's efforts BACKFIRE! (Yes, somehow I found her calls and messages which she had made using the OTHER phone she found BUT SOMEHOW her calls all showed up on my phone records- BUT NOW she claims she did not find my phone!)  "Merit" with two of her friends (Someone please tell her that they are not good for her!)... which have such a hold on her that the Police officer even noticed it,.  Police officer said that several times she asked "Merit"questions, "Merit" wanted to answer, both friends prevent her from talking... Police see right through it.  They see I have filed charges against her.  "Merit leaves Police station feeling defeated!"

3. Both my sons have not only lost respect for me, but they do not want me in their lives.  All I  have to say about this is that "Sometimes words are spoken out of anger for the mere purpose of hurting the person they were intended  for."  and out of spite.  How sad.

4.  Calley has her environmental allergies which seem to be on hiatus for the past two and a half weeks, but still hold a dark cloud over our heads... Do we move?  Almost seems inevitable...  Is taking a chance on Calley's discomfort for one more year worth a shot?  So many uncertainties... 

5.  My job... well keeping this on the down low.  Not happy... not happy what-so-ever!  Let's just say that YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH or better yet WALK THE TALK!!  (I better stop before I say something I am not ready to talk about).  Let me finish by saying that I am a person who walks her talk... and expects the same 

6.  El Paso...  WOW!  Well, all I have to say is that I can not handle HEAT anymore (not to mention that most drivers need their licences re-evaluated)!

7.  Oh and let's not forget that my 30th high school reunion is around the corner ... AND... well... I better start working out!!  "I'm just saying!"  

One Word... O V E R W H E L M I N G ! !  Life is being unreasonable and overwhelming at the moment!!

Blessings to all...

350 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 14! ~ [Learning to] Letting the Chips Fall Where They May!

Today I took the let the chips fall where they may approach and left EVERYTHING in God's hands.  I learned a long, long time ago that I can not "control" the actions of others.  However, there is nothing wrong with fighting for what is yours, what you believe in or WHAT IS RIGHT!!  

I know, I was getting just a little obsessive with teaching a twenty-three year old the meaning of respecting the property of others.  However, as the day progressed the messages were coming in, slowly but surely...  and from her own family and friends.  As I read each one, the message was more or less the same... she will not give me the phone back, she did what she wanted, and no one stopped her.  

I do want to say that my efforts yesterday did not go unwarranted!  Out of the forty-nine (yes, forty-nine!) people that I contacted, I received responses from five people!  I can say that my faith in people continues to grow!  These people felt bad that their friend/family member had done what she did.  One person even told me that she would speak to her.  Well, we'll see... I won't hold my breath.  

Several of my friends suggested that I leave it to the police... I could have, they're right... BUT I had to do something about it!  Honestly, I didn't even think twice about it!  The next thing I knew I was really finding things out... it was all falling into my lap!

Then again, maybe you do not agree with what I am doing... Well.. Let me share something with you... 

Nearly three years ago, my husband and I, after seeing that the job market in Los Angeles was not panning out, we decided it would be best to start over in El Paso, Texas  [where his dad and his family lives- YES, babysitters!! just kidding ;) ]. after loosing his twenty-six year job, and needless to say its been tough getting to where we are today;  I am a [part-time] computer teacher at a small school, who is now on summer break (no pay).  and...we Thank God we were able to manage with my only working part-time.  


As things went on, my little girl missed sixty-two days of school this year because of asthma and respiratory problems due to environmental allergies (this year worse than last);  my husband, Thank God was also hired by the same school that employs me and teaches Calley~ kinda nice arrangement, huh?...  are you kidding?  No, that's not what I mean, It's cool all of us being there at one time or another.  But, seriously, life s a constant struggle... but who's complaining  ;)

With all that "said"... I also want to share with you that it took me nearly ten months to save for my phone!! Which also has a cool cover and a 8gb micro-sd card in it!  $350!! worth of savings down the toilet! NOT!!... so somehow I am compelled to get it back.

courtesy of Bing images

As I sit back and read what I have written so far... I have found IRONY in all of this... Irony?  you ask?... well the irony is that here I am basically fighting to get my phone back, and trying to teach a twenty-three year old a lesson in life ... and here I can't even have a relationship with my own son who is twenty-three years old, let alone teach him a lesson in life.

Irony, I tell you, Irony!

Did someone say something about chips or Leaving it to God?  I think that's a wonderful idea... as always I say a prayer for my sons and once again I will leave my relationship with my boys in His hands.  

By the way... IT'S BEEN FOURTEEN DAYS!!!  Love this "blogging" thing!

Blessings to all!

351 days / 50 weeks to go!!    

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.