Day 130 ~ Making It Happen

For some reason I have found myself sitting down at my laptop and writing my post early today.  I can't explain why... but regardless I am going to go with it and look at this as a positive sign.  (wink, wink)

It is a beautiful morning out, even though in about six hours we'll be up to at least 90 degrees out.  I guess I shouldn't complain... we aren't having floods, tornadoes, earthquakes, let alone freezing weather.  Not to mention, that I do have a roof above my head and that I have the cognitive skills to have goals in place.  
May God bless those who may not be as fortunate.  

I am very thankful for being able to enjoy this day and I look forward to what it has in store for me.  

Come to think of it... I need to make things happen.  

Don't make excuses. Make things happen. Make changes. Then make history.  ~ Doug Hall

When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.  ~ John M. Richardson, Jr.

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.    ~  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Blessings to all!!

235 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 101 ~ Found the Dimmer Switch

At first I wanted to, not apologize, but say how disappointed I am in myself for ranting, feeling sorry for myself, and for being so negative.

Then, I started to rethink things... my life experiences and the manner in which my family (the family I was born into) opted to pass on to me all of their... let's just call them "quirks".

Well, I can almost bet my life on the fact that I am not the only person on this earth that has undergone similar situations.  And If I, in some small way can help someone else, sympathize with them, even empathize with them... just so they do not feel so alone and possibly understood.  Then I really think that this will help me heal as well.

One last sad note on the subject... not one of my maternal* family members (that I was born to) ... shows concern, and from what I am beginning to understand, really doesn't care about what I have to say.  Oh except one of my cousins -who from what she had to say, indicated that she not only knew better than I because she is an "MD" [oh brother], and also thought she knew what I, myself experienced, better than myself because her father, my uncle, told her that my mother shared it with him... 


Now bare in mind that I am at least fifteen years her senior- and we did not grow up together, not even in the same continent, and no disrespect to my mother or uncle... but my mother embellishes the truth quite a bit... oh and not only that but the perspective of an adult is going to be completely different than a child's... 


Let me ask you this Gloria... did your father ever tell you that my mother, your adoring, wonderful, loving aunt, would not allow us to touch or kiss her unless we all bathed.... or that we had to wash everything we purchased from the grocery store prior to putting it away... or how about witnessing your father having (in the act) an affair with the maid?  Just curious?  Or how about the fact that your wonderful, adoring grandfather dangled my brother from his feet out of a second story window?  just because he was saying hello to a neighbor?  (Oh and I have more stories too!  But I am so over it now!!  I am a survivor and will not allow any of this to define me!


I was there all those times and witnessed it all!  Argue that one!  Actually there is no argument... because I LIVED IT!


So as far as I am concerned, you have absolutely no clue as to what happened to me, and being as smart as you claim to be, I am really surprised that you do not follow through better on information you hear.  You should always check your resources!


I have just filled a balloon... double tied it... and it's has floated into the atmosphere!!  Never to be seen or heard of again!  

I can not tell you how blessed I am!  Many of my friends reached out to me yesterday...  and many times I did not answer my  phone- couldn't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself ... and at others, just the mere fact of texting helped me a lot.  What did slap me in the face was ... that family does not mean that you have similar DNA... they are there for you through thick and thin, and once again my Dream Team proved it!  

SO... there are two things I can do...

1. Continue to be angry, bitter, feel sorry for myself, knowing that I do not have any camaraderie or support from my family.   ~ OR   ~
2. Do something about it!  After thinking about what I want from my life, what I need to do, and the healthy daughter I want to raise... I CAN DO IT! 

I found the light switch... it's on dim, but at least it is on.  And I will be turning the light on brighter and brighter.

I am starting to find and understand a "drive" within me... however, it isn't so much that I want to be successful (ok... you got me, I do!), but most importantly I do not want to let anyone down that I may able to help.

"One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives."   ~ Euripides

"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway."  ~ Jerome Cummings

 "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."  ~  Walter Winchell

Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."  ~ Helen Keller

"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with."   ~ Mark Twain 

Blessings to all!!

264 days to go...

*Funny how the negative always stands out in our minds...  I I How we often focus on the negative things that happen to us... When we should be grateful for what we have. 

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.   

Day 93 ~ Perseverance...

So ... something my father-in-law, Ferris, said the other day in passing that has been popping in and out of my thoughts for the past few days... "you have to stick at something, give it a chance in order for it to work..." ... something to that effect...

Well... I just don't know... there are instances, that I'm sure you may find familiar, that have happened to me, such as... looking hindsight and realizing that you should have quit way back before things went a mock OR quitting something at the sign of trouble and then seeing if you would have stuck it out things could have been better.

So ... which way is it?  Do you quit while you're ahead... OR ... do you stick it out in hopes of a better tomorrow?  Is one way more optimistic than the other? ... OR ... are we looking at the glass half full here.

I think that either way, as long as you keep trying, moving forward... and you do not stop believing, you are ahead of the game.

I have had quite a few let downs in my life, but definitely not for lack of trying.  I may have slowed down a bit at times... maybe even gotten sidetracked... but my final goals have remained the same and all I've had to do is remind myself what it is I want out of life!  

Then before I know it... I'm back on track!

Perseverance is a great element of success.  If you knock enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.  ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.  ~Confucius

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.    ~ author unknown (1840)

Blessings to all!




272 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 72 ~ With Structure Comes Implementation...

courtesy of Bing images

Now that I have a game plan... that's all fine and dandy!   (sounds of fingers tapping on the table top...)

SOLUTION:  The key... the secret ... One word... IMPLEMENTATION!

PROBLEM:  To get my arse moving!!!

Ok... so all of this sounds really simple.  I know what I want ... and I know what I have to do to accomplish it...

HOLD the BUS!! (sounds of screeching tires!!)  

Then if it's so simple, why can't I "get 'er done?"  Oh my gosh... why does something that sounds so simple seem as if I have to climb Mount Everest!?!

IDEA!!:  I think there's a possibility of this having an overwhelming affect on me...  So I am going to take a different approach to this.

I am going to tackle this step by step.  HOW? you ask... well...

courtesy of Bing images

Step 1... move Vision Board to a more "in your face" spot that is more accessible...  hence this will have more of a positive affect on the "scheme of things" ... like actually doing it's job!!  lol!!  [a lot of good it does to have a "vision board" if it's not really being used/ being effective]  Then make a couple of updates to it (moving, spice store, online business and jobs ).

Step 2... update "honey do" list.  

1. finish house remodel:  master bath, Calley's bath, paint Calley's room, master bedroom and living room
2. work on schedule for Calley's homeschooling and "life" in general
3. work on online business goals
4. work on sending resumes out
5. look for perfect west coast location for our life (ties in with number4)

Step 3... In this step... there's a saying "a picture is worth a thousand words" ...  well hopefully the following clip art will say it all...

courtesy of Bing images

The point to today's post... well sometimes it is easier said than done.  However...and I mean a Big HOWEVER on this...  sometimes it good to be flexible and in my case... I think I need to get into a routine, (once I know what the goals are that is,) and don't stop until its done!!  In other words... don't think about it... Just Do IT!!

courtesy of Bing images

I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.  ~   Philippians 4:13

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” - Howard Thurman 

"Trust in what you love, continue to do it, and it will take you where you need to go.”   ~ Natalie Goldberg 

 *  Here's a quote I came by, which isn't really relevant, BUT I just have to share it with you!!

“Cooking is like making love, you do it well, or you do not do it at all”  ~  Harriet van Horne

  

Blessings to all!!

293 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent
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Day 61 ~ If Not For The Heartbreaks... I Would Not Be Who I Am

Today I had my sons on my mind all day... which leads to heart break each and every time.  Why?  Well, because when I think of my boys... I call them, leave a message for one son... and the other son... well he has my number blocked- I can't leave a message at all.

Of course, I don't sop there... I text them that I love them and then hope for some kind of response... and this is where the heart break comes in... I get nothing, no response, no call back... nothing.  (big sad face)

February 1994 ~ Seattle, Washington

I've said it before... I know that I can't do anything, other than give it to the Lord.  I can't worry about them and I am certainly done being in "fetal" position.  I have to focus on myself and my family, and continue to have faith that one day they will come back to me.

As all these feelings were happening today, I received a message from my friend Alysia... boy my heart goes out to her!! Why?  Well, she is just now starting the fight for her children against her own nightmare of an ex-husband.  Something, that I have been trying to get over for the past eighteen years.


She is a little ahead of the game... at least her "ex" has not teamed up with a "new" wife, only to accuse her of ugliness acts against her children... be as it may, the entire experience is still very trying.  

There is such ugly behavior when there is a divorce! either by both or at least one of the parties involved.  I really wish people would not only think twice before getting married, but they should think three times before having children, and four times before they go through a divorce and use the children as "pawns", just as they would be used in a chess game.  The only losers here are our children!  There aren't any winners!


It is very easy for me to tell Alysia to stay strong, not to show weakness, and to fight for her children.  What's not easy is going through the divorce, accusations, and the heartbreak it brings... the thoughts... "where did I go wrong?" or "what did I ever see in him?"... then not to mention the heartbreak once the dust settles and all you see is the remnants of a broken heart and a broken family... Then God forbid if you ever hear one of your children say to you..."why didn't you fight harder for me!?"  That is a HEART WRENCHER!!


I am still being positive and moving forward.  I am still motivated to make a wonderful life for me and for my children... HOWEVER... that does not mean that all the PAIN goes away!  ...  Honestly, right now, it feels as if it will never go away.


BUT... I will not let the pain slow me down.  I will use this pain to make me stronger, make me a better person... and I pray to God that this pain will allow me to help Alysia and maybe someone else and make it a little less painful for them.  They aren't alone!


Afterall... they too will be part of my "Dream Team" and I will be part of theirs!

I am committed to being a devoted and loyal friend. 

I forgive myself for any and all past mistakes.

I see each part of my life as a lesson. 

Blessings to all!!

304 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 49 ~ A Mother's Love

As nice of a day as I may have had, there are some things I have found out that both my parents have done... not together of course... but separately, that have really made me feel less than.

I can't yell or get mad at my father much more nor confront him, because he's gone... As far as my mother is concerned... Boy I really have not touched this subject now, have I...

I have told you that she has a mental disability, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), however sometimes I wonder!!

She certainly is always well enough to help my sister out, and even my brother... but me...

Well, let's just put it this way... I finally put pride aside in order for my daughter to have a grandmother and I had been asking my mother for months to come and help me, and if it's not one thing or another... she's just never available for me... and quite frankly seeing the head games that she plays, I don't think I want her help... ever!

[I would rather Calley see her once in a while, and let her have a sweet image of her than not.  I do not want Calley tainted in any way!]

I've been struggling... does she help me?  NO... but her second cousin's son... well she's there for him!  The neighbor down the street, she's there for her!  Her family... again, she's there for them!  But her daughter...NO!

My first cousin is always talking her up, what a wonderful person she is, etc... and when I was not speaking to my mother, she always would try to convince me to do so.

The thing my cousin does not understand is that, my mother is her aunt, and that is the role she has played in her life... she may have given her things and been nice to her...

But as a mother, I felt abandoned by her at a young age... she wasn't there when I needed her, and then when she did show up, she lied to me by convincing me to go to Peru to visit family for a couple of weeks in my junior year in high school... and I ended up staying there for a year and a half.  All the plans I had, well she did away with them...

Years prior, she kidnapped my brother, sister and I, took us to Peru, just before her divorce from my dad and kept us from him for nearly a year, and then gave custody of me to his estranged grandfather!

She was never there for any of my pregnancies, and any time I thought I was having an honest moment with her... well let's just say it was the furthest thing from the truth.

Yes she is my mother, but seems like more and more it was in name only!

It is very sad.  Every time there's Mother's day or something to do for moms on Facebook, it saddens me that I do not love her as my friends love their mothers.  I love her because she is my mother... but that "wonderful feeling" that my friends feel for their moms... it's just not there.  I don't know it.  There's a void in my heart, where there should be love.  It's very sad.

Your mother is supposed to protect you... not mine.  When I told her at the age of nine that a cousin had molested me... she made excuses for him and did not want to cause any problems within the family!

My friend's moms, my mother in laws, they have been my mothers.  However, its not the same.  I can't go to them, as I should be able to go to my mom.  I tried, and every time I open my heart, it gets stepped on!

What will I do with all of this???  First of all... it's in a balloon, and gone!

I will be the best mother to my Calley, and I will NEVER let her feel less than!!  Calley will be loved by me more than anyone could imagine!!  My daughter will never feel alone.  My daughter will never learn from the streets what should be taught by me.  My daughter will grow up knowing what love is from both her parents.

The way that Calley looks at me and tells me she loves me, or that I am her angel, or I am the bestest mommy in the world... that love I see in her eyes... I will always work to keep that love she has for me.  I will always be true to my Calley!  

I adore my sons just as much, and feel pain when I think of all the time that has been stolen from us.  I feel pain when I think of how they have been tainted by their father's words about me... I will be here for them when they are ready for me to be their mother again, and will give them the love they so deserve!

We can talk all we want, however it is our actions that children will imitate. From the time they are young children until the teenage years children watch what you say and what you do.    Author unknown.

Blessings to all!!

316 days / 45 weeks to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Day 40 ~ ♪♫•Feeling Good! ♪♫• Just the Way That I Should!! ♪♫• So Good!♪♫•

Even though I have been at a standstill on my "weight loss challenge" the past three days... I am not going to let that, or anything else discourage me from doing what I am absolutely LOVING!!

Courtesy of Bing images

I was a little disappointed when for the third day in a row, I had not lost any weight!  ...great thing about that was, that I did gain any either!!  


Luckily I kept pretty busy today with an unexpected appointment, which thankfully kept my mind off of the "stand still" I have found myself in.


My day ended on a great note after seeing my father-in-law!!... he asked me in such an excited tone as to how many pounds I had lost... "so what are the numbers?"  I hesitated and responded with a little frown on my face... "I haven't lost any in the past three days, haven't gain anything either though." 



My father-in-law was like an "instant cheerleader!"  He told me not to worry about it and to continue with my work outs, not to get discourage, etc... and that I CAN DO IT!! 

Goes back to what I was telling you about how blessed I am in regards to my family!!  My father-in-law is so awesome!!  This man sets such a wonderful example of a Christian man, father and husband for all his children, myself and Calley included of course!  


He advises me, does not judge me, and when I have stuck my foot in my mouth, has looked the other way sort-of-speak!  I call him "Dad"... because that is what he is to me!!  And he respects me as well, even when it comes to Calley.     

Today was a great day!  I felt great about myself all day long!  

Faith isn't something I must have before I move in the direction of my dreams.  Instead, it's something that develops after I start moving.           author unknown

Blessings to all!

325 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 38 ~ Calley, My Gift From God

This morning while I was working out Calley was busy.  I could see that she was drawing, but I continued to focus to my workout.  Next thing I know my little girl came up to me to show me what she had drawn, and I asked her to wait three minutes so I could finish doing my "set".  Waiting for her is like an eternity too!! Finally when I finished and saw what she had drawn, I couldn't help feeling bad for making her wait.  

"Mommy Exercising" by Calley

"Here mommy this is for you so you can put it on your blog," she said ever so sweetly in her little Minnie Mouse voice (yes, she has a little Minnie Mouse voice!)  

She drew me exercising!

I love this little girl!! so much.  She does have her moments like any other four and a half year old, however on top of that, she is the absolute most curious little girl ever!!!  She asks more questions, than both her brothers together did!  Always touching what she's not suppose to, constantly getting into my things, but I am not complaining!

Just to clarify Calley was planned... yes call me crazy!!  I do.  I waited for her for such a long time.  After having been taken away the position, role, honor, of being a mother to both my boys, I prayed for the right man to come into my life (Dean) and that he would want a child.  It took sometime for both, but finally my blessings came one at a time!!

There is a fifteen year age difference between Calley and my youngest son, and Lord knows I FEEL it once in a while... However it doesn't matter how you slice it, Calley is my greatest gift (in more ways than one).  She brought me back to life again and motivates me to be the best example for her.

She's quite unique.  Calley came into my life at a point that I appreciated her more than anything in the world!  It took a little convincing, but finally on Valentine's Day, before our third anniversary, we found out we were pregnant~!

By one and a half she knew her alphabet, and in ASL (American Sign Language) as well- I taught her how to sign with Signing Time on PBS channel.  She learned well over 300 hundred signs by the time she was two.  She knew her colors and shapes, and started pre-k short of her fourth birthday (always being a year younger than all her classmates, yet at the top of the class in reading).

Today, instead of playing after breakfast while I work out... she gets on her own "work out" clothes- basically shorts and a t-shirt like mom, gets her wii controller, a water bottle and gets in front of me and mimics all my moves!!

This is so awesome... I have always cooked really healthy for her.  I nursed her until one, made her fresh baby food, all her juices are cut with water 50/50, no sugar! (her Halloween candy lasts all year- she gets a piece once in a while- no doubt Dean and I eat more of it that she does!)  To this day... NO SODA! and drinks Almond, Coconut Milk, sometimes soy milk.  

Such a girly-girl!!

And now, she joins me working out.  Runs with me with the running exercises, and gets on the floor and does sit ups too!  She's such a great caregiver.  Always asks me if I'm doing okay, I don't know what would give her the impression that I wasn't okay... maybe it's all the water I am sweating or even how I just down the bottle of water in no time.  Today I thought Oprah had taken over the both of us... by the way we were yelling.. "let's go girls.. keep up.. right, left, right.." while doing advance step on my wii Fit Plus workout, all in that Oprah way of cheering with that voice of hers! and Calley?  Well she was yelling the same way... HYSTERICAL!!

When it comes to my blogging, this little girl is the most supportive person ever!! Usually she does not see me blog, because I do it after she goes to bed. However, she does discuss it with me.  She asks what I am writing about, and of course I tell her of all the positive things I am writing about... and somehow knows that it is not only important to me, but that it is helping me.  Well, I have been walking with a spring in my step lately.

Daughter are angles sent from above to fill our heart with unending love.
-- J. Lee

Blessings to all!

327 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.