Day 297 ~ My Fight Continues V

Continued from Days 62, 63, 295 & 296...

As time went on, there were more and more times that I was put aside.  As the dust began to settle, my sons began to live.  My sons began to grow.  They were finally able to live their lives, and that they did.  They started going to sleepovers and parties.. conveniently they it would happen during their time with me.  What was I supposed to do?  Take their complete childhood away?  Hindsight.. I should have put myself first a little more.  Because, as time went on, my sons learned to put their friends first, before their mother.  Again, what was I supposed to do?  Keep them from having friends?  I wanted for them to have a happy healthy life.


More time went by, I found myself alone more without my boys.  The alienation continued.  The     passive aggressive behavior towards me continued.  The bullying continued.  My car had been vandalized at an event that was a last minute outing with my sons, and only their father knew it.  He own his own auto repair shop.  Very easy for him to have one of his flunkies do it for him.  I ended up being stranded for two hours that night, having to call "him" to come get the boys. 

After a couple of more years of the same, and with my sons growing older and older... I made a decision... I moved back home, back to Los Angeles.  Their father agreed to continue vacations and  major holiday trips at my expense... which never transpired.  He renigged on it all.  I was able to have my younger son visit me once, and even then his father called and cut his trip short by a day ("he" wanted my son home one day early, ONE DAY!) ... which caused major heartache on my part and I was out an additional $100 for changing the ticket.  Which he never paid me back.

My eldest son was allowed to come see me once, with my youngest son... it was for my father's funeral..  My sons' father would not allow my sons to be with their (my) family for more than six hours.  I actually paid $800 for my sons to fly down from the Northwest for six hours.  We had to pick them up at the airport at eleven in the morning, and then back at the airport by five that same evening.  They were not allowed to grieve for their grandfather.  The only grandfather they had ever known.

One would think that after twelve years (at the time) the dust would be settled.  I longed for the day that each of my sons would turn 18... hoping that they would have their own voice to finally speak up.  But... The dust never really settled... even after being divorced for nearly nineteen years.  

Y O U   S E E . . .  all this time I have been alienated from my sons.  I have been lied to, as have my sons.  With that said, I have put it all behind me- except for having to relive it all now with these posts, so that I may share my story.  Hold on a moment!  How can anyone ever put this behind them?  Honestly, time only helps to not think about it as much.

As each day passes, I struggle a little less.  I have good days.  I have bad days.  The loss of my sons will forever live inside of me.  Their lack of effort made to be a part of my life will change one day.

T O D A Y . . .  I have Calley.  I thank God for Calley everyday.  I feel so blessed to have been given a second chance at being a mommy.  Although, I must admit that because of the loss of my boys I sometimes catch myself being a little too overprotective over her.  I guess that can't be all bad.  I cherish each moment I have with my daughter, and strive to do right by her.

I have been telling Calley about her brothers from the day she was born, and has met them once (her older brother twice).  The last time she was with her brothers was three and a half years ago, she just had her second birthday before our visit.  


Whenever given a chance, Calley loves to tell people that she has brothers.  Also, there are all the pictures of them on our family walls.  Calley's too cute too, she is always asking about them.  She asks me to tell her stories of when they were little.  She continuously asks me what they like to eat and then will ask for me to make it for her.  At the end of each day, we finish with a prayer for her brothers, to keep them safe and close to God.

Funny thing... recently Calley one day started talking to me about her brothers.  Somewhere in the conversation she innocently assume that her daddy, was their daddy too.  Boy, talk about being put on the spot!  Well I proceeded to tell her that they had a different daddy, and that we had stopped being married.  Somehow as simply as I had put it, she understood.  And then proceeded to ask me if their daddy was part of our family.  OH BOY!  I had to contain myself,  and managed to do so.  I told her that her brothers are part of our family, and their father is part of their family... and since that was the case, we could all be considered an extended family.

I know one day my daughter will know the truth, but until then I will be as honest as I can, without taking her innocence away from her before its time.

I adore my sons, there's no question about it.  But until they are ready to be a part of my life, I will continue to hope for the day we will finally be able really put it behind us and be a family.  I will pray for myself.  I will pray for their safety.  Above all, I will pray for them to one day meet, fall in love with and marry wonderful Christian girls.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.  ~Elizabeth Stone

Continued with my final thoughts on Day 298.


Blessings to all!!

68 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 296 ~ My Fight Continues IV

Continued from Days 62, 63 & 295...

After that day at McDonald's, there were what seemed to be an eternity of court dates, weekly appointments with the G.A.L, and then at least two appointments per week with a family psychologist.  For nearly one year, my sons gave up their childhood... and for what?  Just so a man can get his vengeance.

Oh how I hated showing up at the court house.  Then finally, "my day" in court came.  I gave my attorney a document (I got a hold of) that proved that my sons' step-mother had committed pergury.   All of a sudden the other side wanted to settle.  To this day I am still bothered that my attorney did not go directly to the judge with it (or is that done only in the movies?), instead he went to the other side with it.    

At that moment, all I could think of was putting it ALL behind me.. having my life back with my sons... giving my sons back their childhood...  I knew at that moment that either I could continue fighting my sons' father, or end it all amicably (for whatever that means)... I thought of my boys.  


We had settled on shared custody, with the boys staying with their dad ("he") the majority of the school year-  I would get my sons Thursday through Monday one week, and Friday through Sunday the next.  During the summertime, it would flip.  However vacation time would come into play, as well as these cockamamie "free" days that I or he could use with a 48 hour notice.  But somehow my sons dad would screw me over each summer, where I would barely end up with a month with my sons.  I always was somehow taken advantage of.  I was always thinking of my sons, and "he" knew it... and "he" would always be thinking of how he could stick it to me, instead of just letting go and let live.  There were also holidays, birthdays and so on that were split and alternated each year.


Even at that moment . . . when I was signing the settlement papers in front of the judge, all the while he was saying that we better be sure of what we were agreeing to, I was unsure of it all but did not want my sons to suffer any more.  Years later, my youngest son asked me why I hadn't fought harder.  O U C H !  All I know is that I did the best I could at the time, especially when I did it all alone.

As I look back, I see myself as being weak.  I had been intimidated and bullied for so long.  My sons' father and his wife would gang up on me.  They would ridicule me.  So many times I would show up at my sons' athletic events and I would be shunned upon.  My sons were not even allowed to come over and say hello to me when they saw me... they would have to ask for permission to come over to me, yet allowed to go anywhere else without a problem.


I remember once at my son's baseball game, I was enjoying the game.  I was watching the game comfortably in a lawn chair, in front of my car... when another mom approached me.  She had asked me who's mom I was, knowing the answer already.  She proceeded to warn me about my son's step-mother.  She told me that the step-mother had been bad mouthing me to several of the mom's there.  "Don't worry honey, I too deal with an evil step-mother and recognized her actions right away.  I want you to know that we would love it for you to sit with us anytime you want."  WOW!  I could not believe what I was hearing.  Someone actually coming to my defense, someone actually "having my back."  I thanked her and continued watching the game from where I was sitting.

to be continued...

Recently, I keep hearing these words said over and over, yet worded a little different each time.  I would like to share my friend's quote with you... 

Surround yourself with people who celebrate who you are, not those who choose to pick you apart.  They don't appreciate the gift you really are, and aren't worthy of your presence anyway.   ~ Denise Matthews Bickers 

Blessings to all!!

69 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 295 ~ My Fight Continues III

Continued from Days 62 & 63...

Ronique "Pepper" Smith and her birth
mom reunited at last   June-2011

Just finished watching this heart wrenching, anything is possible kind of story on Dateline ID, titled Lost and Found.  

This episode was about a woman who had been kidnapped at the age of four and raised by her kidnapper.  Click here for the story on YouTube.  This episode is in a total of six parts on YouTube, this being the first of six. The other five are on YouTube as well.  

Every parent's nightmare, mine including, is the fear of your child being abducted, taken away from you.

I remember the first time my father took my eldest son to his first Los Angles Kings game, he was about 3 or so.  The entire time he was with my father, I prayed that my father would keep an eye on him and not let him out of his sight.  Talk about anxious!  I could not wait for the game to end so I could pick up my baby.

It doesn't matter how old your children are, the concern and worry will always be there.

Today, in a split second, when Calley (5) steps away from me at the market...I become a wreck!!!  Yes, I freak out each time; and each time I kneel down to Calley and praise God and then scold her.  I try to put the fear of God in her.  Tell her that there are bad bad people out there.  I just realized that I always tell her about BAD MEN... I should also tell her that there are BAD WOMEN too. Calley always responds to me so innocently, "Mommy... I was just right there" (pointing to only steps away.)  

Now, even though my boys were not taken away from me in the same way by being abducted, I can sincerely empathize with parents who have had their children taken from them.  

Some may even say, your sons were with their father... you knew where they were.  

Yes.  They are right.  I did know where they were.  However... their father went to unorthodox, evil measures and made up that I had inappropriately touch my younger son (who was three at the time).... Which then caused a horrible domino affect in my life!  A restraining order was put on me to stay away from my children.   To read more about this see Days 62 and 63 for more details.

H O W E V E R. . .  I suffered a loss.  My "mommy" strings were cut... my children gone.  

to be continued...

I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me "mommy."  ~author unknown

Blessings to all!!

70 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 63 ~ My Fight Continues!! ... Part Deux

courtesy of Bing images

To answer the question at hand... I WAS VERY STUPID!!  


I was very stupid to think that the man I had married, the man I had loved (and supposedly loved me back), the man I had trusted, the man I bore children to... YES that man... I was stupid to think that I could believe in him and trust him.


One word... HA!


Sooo... I rolled up my sleeves and searched for an attorney that would take my case, after all I was being accused of un-motherly acts!!  


As my attorney and I started to scratch the surface of what was really going on, I found out that I needed to get a Guardian Ad Litem (A guardian ad litem is a guardian appointed by a court to protect the interests of a minor or incompetent in a particular matter.)

A G.A.L. was appointed by the court and before the ink could dry... I made the "call" to her to get the ball rolling immediately.  However, it wasn't that easy.  There were hoops to jump through and obstacles to go around.

Before the G.A.L. would even see me, she stated that I had to take a lie detector test.  So the G.A.L. gave me the number of a specialist, and I called her only to find out that my appointment would not be for another six months!  YES SIX MONTHS!!!  My heart sank!!  

courtesy of Bing images

When I made my appointment I found out that not only would I have to take a lie detector test, but I also had to take an MMPI test (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory test -  is the most frequently used personality test in the mental health fields. This assessment, or test, was designed to help identify personal, social, and behavioral problems in psychiatric patients. The test helps provide relevant information to aid in problem identification, diagnosis, and treatment planning for the patient) along with another test... both tests took me nearly four hours to take.  


Let me explain a little more... it wasn't the actual tests... or was it?  My person, my ability to be a mother, who I was and who I am was being questioned... and on top of it all... until the tests were taken and the results were read, I could not see my boys!!!  I was guilty until proven innocent.

courtesy of Bing images

The results were finally in... I was honest and I was normal.  I passed all tests.  When it was all said and done... it took NINE MONTHS!!!

courtesy of Bing images

The most heart wrenching part of it all was that at one point during the nine month ordeal, probably five or six months into it, I went to McDonald's for a bite to eat and was stopped dead in my tracks!!!  My boys were inside eating with the "new" step mother.  


YES... the "man" didn't even wait for the sheets to cool off or the ink to dry on "our" divorce papers.  Gee... how did that happen?  Had he been cheating on me with her too?  Who knows... and at this point, frankly WHO CARES!!!  Not me!


I froze!  Then I ran back to my car... and cried for what seemed forever!  

to be continued...  


Revised March 29, 2012...  this has been a little more difficult to share than what I once thought...  Therefore... please see Day 295 for the continuation of my loss.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.   Elizabeth Stone

Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.   H. Jackson Brown, Jr. 

Blessings to all!!

302 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 62 ~ My Fight Begins!! ... Part One

Today was one of "those" days!...  Actually, to be quite honest, it is a continuation of yesterday.  

This is what I hate most about thinking and acting upon missing my boys...  It sends me for a spin every time, and my whole world turns gray.

I am still trying to be ... NO... I AM! being positive... it's just that I tripped and am having a hard time getting up.

I know that I have been vague about what actually went down with my divorce and why my boys aren't with me... I just hate re-hashing it.  However, if my goal is to help some one other than myself... then, I have to put it out there.

When their father and I decided to split, first of all, the boys were only going to be with him temporarily until I got a bigger place... so that was STUPID DECISION NO. 1!

As time went on it was ok... Then "HE" decided to file for divorce.  It took me for a shock, but I went with it.  "HE" told me that he would pay for the attorney and "take care" of everything.

OH HE TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING ALRIGHT!!

STUPID DECISION NO. 2!!

LA Kings - Courtesy of Bing images

When I read the final papers... he had custody of my boys and there wasn't any visitation or holidays listed.  I WAS SPEECHLESS!!  and THE GLOVES CAME OFF!

Later, it was VERY apparent that he later took his gloves off too!~ and not only does "he" not play nice, but "he" doesn't play by the book either!

This not only completely hurt me, but he infuriated me as well!..  I sought the advise of an attorney and ended retaining him as well.

This did not sit well with the "EX"!  Not at all!  I was basically spitting in his face for his so called "trust me".

Side note:  when someone says "TRUST ME"...this is a RED FLAG!!  DON"T!!

I thought everything went well... without a humongous court battle, I was given rights, holidays and appropriate time with my boys.  I know I had made "HIM" mad... but I could not let it sit that way.

I thought my life was going on "its" way after the six months we had spent adjusting our "family plan"

Then one day at work... I was bar-tending at the time (helped me pay for the attorney and left my days free to go to court etc.)  Prior to this job, I had been let go from my travel agent position due to "too many personal problems."  "HE" had been calling me and harassing me at work and my boss could not take it anymore.

Courtesy of Bing images

As I said, I had been at work... and as soon as my shift ended and I was about to balance out my till etc... and then this "IDIOT" I had been serving and been talking to for at least two hours, asked me my name, and then said those magical words... "YOU HAVE BEEN SERVED!!"  

I had been served with a restraining order to stay away from my boys... I immediately called "HIM" to ask he what was up... and according to "him"... "HE" had no clue!  

And with that, it started my three year night mare and my fight for my children.

I showed up to my court hearing regarding the restraining order, only to find out that I was being accused of "inappropriately touching" my then three year old!!

The walk back to my car, well "HE" offered me a ride to my car... and the entire time "HE" played stupid... not knowing what it was all about.

The stupid one was me... for ever thinking that "HE" could be trusted... that "HE" would take care of me...  that "HE" was looking out for all of our best interests!

Six words...

HOW STUPID COULD I HAVE BEEN!  ...

to be continued...

Nothing can stop the person with the right mental attitude from achieving their goal; nothing on earth can help the person with the wrong mental attitude.
Thomas Jefferson

Blessings to all!!

303 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 61 ~ If Not For The Heartbreaks... I Would Not Be Who I Am

Today I had my sons on my mind all day... which leads to heart break each and every time.  Why?  Well, because when I think of my boys... I call them, leave a message for one son... and the other son... well he has my number blocked- I can't leave a message at all.

Of course, I don't sop there... I text them that I love them and then hope for some kind of response... and this is where the heart break comes in... I get nothing, no response, no call back... nothing.  (big sad face)

February 1994 ~ Seattle, Washington

I've said it before... I know that I can't do anything, other than give it to the Lord.  I can't worry about them and I am certainly done being in "fetal" position.  I have to focus on myself and my family, and continue to have faith that one day they will come back to me.

As all these feelings were happening today, I received a message from my friend Alysia... boy my heart goes out to her!! Why?  Well, she is just now starting the fight for her children against her own nightmare of an ex-husband.  Something, that I have been trying to get over for the past eighteen years.


She is a little ahead of the game... at least her "ex" has not teamed up with a "new" wife, only to accuse her of ugliness acts against her children... be as it may, the entire experience is still very trying.  

There is such ugly behavior when there is a divorce! either by both or at least one of the parties involved.  I really wish people would not only think twice before getting married, but they should think three times before having children, and four times before they go through a divorce and use the children as "pawns", just as they would be used in a chess game.  The only losers here are our children!  There aren't any winners!


It is very easy for me to tell Alysia to stay strong, not to show weakness, and to fight for her children.  What's not easy is going through the divorce, accusations, and the heartbreak it brings... the thoughts... "where did I go wrong?" or "what did I ever see in him?"... then not to mention the heartbreak once the dust settles and all you see is the remnants of a broken heart and a broken family... Then God forbid if you ever hear one of your children say to you..."why didn't you fight harder for me!?"  That is a HEART WRENCHER!!


I am still being positive and moving forward.  I am still motivated to make a wonderful life for me and for my children... HOWEVER... that does not mean that all the PAIN goes away!  ...  Honestly, right now, it feels as if it will never go away.


BUT... I will not let the pain slow me down.  I will use this pain to make me stronger, make me a better person... and I pray to God that this pain will allow me to help Alysia and maybe someone else and make it a little less painful for them.  They aren't alone!


Afterall... they too will be part of my "Dream Team" and I will be part of theirs!

I am committed to being a devoted and loyal friend. 

I forgive myself for any and all past mistakes.

I see each part of my life as a lesson. 

Blessings to all!!

304 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 52 ~ 48... the New 38!!

My 30th high school reunion was tonight... one word... FUN!  

What a great night!

I had been keeping myself busy up until I had to get ready, just so I wouldn't get anxious and cancel out.  Yes, in the past I have worked myself up so much that I actually would not go to functions due to anxiety of "what ifs". But, that is behind me now!

I was sporting a great new hair cut (and color), thanks to the future famous Chëlseá, I lost a total of 9 pounds (thanks to My Wii Fit 21-Day Challenge), and I was in a great place!

After battling the Southern California traffic on the 101... I finally arrived at the Sheraton Universal... Dean and Calley, well they were having and daddy/daughter day long date. Just as I arrived I saw a good ol' (not using the word in reference to our ages by any means!!) friend from school... she looked fabulous!!  Way to go Melinda! ... We were so happy to see each other,  not only because we were friends... but I think more so because we were "flying solo" and did not want to walk in alone.  NO! It's not like going to the bathroom with your girlfriend!  It's just easier walking into a function with a friend in hand, as opposed to making "an entrance"... and I am sooo not about that! 

Then... it happened!  I saw my SISSY!! and the shrieks all started!!!

I strongly feel that if it wasn't for Facebook, and the fact that I have re-connected with so many friends, as well as re-connected with acquaintances, who now have become dear friends... (let's just say I could not picture my life without them ever again!!) ... I more than likely would not have gone to the reunion.

So the Carlas spotted one another!! Thing one and thing two, as another friend calls us... and then there were so many other wonderful people. Carla has become such an important part of my life...a most definite "Angel" and part of my "Dream Team."   I feel blessed to have become friends with her later in life.  I strongly believe once again, that God works in mysterious ways and places people in your life when you need them most.  

Let me remind you all, and mention to others, that back in high school the only thing or person that mattered to me, was "Eddie"...  and because he wasn't part of this click or the other... and was loved by all, he did his things his way... He was the air I breathed... even the teachers knew!  LOL!  Anyways, it was too much for my parents to handle, so my mother sent me to Perú.  I had been told that I was going for a two week vacation, then once I got there my return ticket hidden from me, and finally found it in time for the senior prom, a year and a half later.  (There are more details to this chapter in my life, I just have to get the courage to share it with you.)

The point is that, the great thing about my night was that I really didn't feel out of place.  I felt as if I belonged.

You see, I was always the new kid in school.  After my parents divorced, we moved around so much... that by the time I was in high school, I had gone to thirteen different schools.  Not only that, but we even moved during junior high, still in the valley, but... well, just to clue you in, only 5 kids from my junior high went to my high school.  So, once again, the last school I go to, again, I come in and have to meet and make new friends, trying to fit in... and then most of the kids, well some had gone to school together since first grade, others maybe later, but anyway you sliced it, I always felt like the "odd man out." 

Last night was amazing!!  I re-connected with such amazing friends from the past, and discovered that we all look fabulous for being 38!!  After all 48 IS THE NEW 38!!  Or at least this is what my generation is telling ourselves!  LOL!!!  

Seriously, we came to the consensus last night that our parents were much OLDER at our age... They weren't as involved in our lives, as we are in our own children's lives.  Most of us were allowed to leave the house in the morning, and personally, my brother, sister and I, always listened for my dad's whistle for when it was time to come home... by then it was already dinner time.

Today, well we drive our kids to school... we're scuba diving, boxing, working out, going on 5k runs... etc.  I wonder how our children, will be with their's... and what they will think of us.  Especially since most of them from eighteen to twenty-four already think we are ancient!  Can't wait to see what they think when they themselves are thirty!!

There are some givens in life that no amount of positive thinking can change. Aging is a fact of life. The wisest approach is to accept and enjoy the ride.  author unknown

Blessings to all!!

313 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.