Day 297 ~ My Fight Continues V

Continued from Days 62, 63, 295 & 296...

As time went on, there were more and more times that I was put aside.  As the dust began to settle, my sons began to live.  My sons began to grow.  They were finally able to live their lives, and that they did.  They started going to sleepovers and parties.. conveniently they it would happen during their time with me.  What was I supposed to do?  Take their complete childhood away?  Hindsight.. I should have put myself first a little more.  Because, as time went on, my sons learned to put their friends first, before their mother.  Again, what was I supposed to do?  Keep them from having friends?  I wanted for them to have a happy healthy life.


More time went by, I found myself alone more without my boys.  The alienation continued.  The     passive aggressive behavior towards me continued.  The bullying continued.  My car had been vandalized at an event that was a last minute outing with my sons, and only their father knew it.  He own his own auto repair shop.  Very easy for him to have one of his flunkies do it for him.  I ended up being stranded for two hours that night, having to call "him" to come get the boys. 

After a couple of more years of the same, and with my sons growing older and older... I made a decision... I moved back home, back to Los Angeles.  Their father agreed to continue vacations and  major holiday trips at my expense... which never transpired.  He renigged on it all.  I was able to have my younger son visit me once, and even then his father called and cut his trip short by a day ("he" wanted my son home one day early, ONE DAY!) ... which caused major heartache on my part and I was out an additional $100 for changing the ticket.  Which he never paid me back.

My eldest son was allowed to come see me once, with my youngest son... it was for my father's funeral..  My sons' father would not allow my sons to be with their (my) family for more than six hours.  I actually paid $800 for my sons to fly down from the Northwest for six hours.  We had to pick them up at the airport at eleven in the morning, and then back at the airport by five that same evening.  They were not allowed to grieve for their grandfather.  The only grandfather they had ever known.

One would think that after twelve years (at the time) the dust would be settled.  I longed for the day that each of my sons would turn 18... hoping that they would have their own voice to finally speak up.  But... The dust never really settled... even after being divorced for nearly nineteen years.  

Y O U   S E E . . .  all this time I have been alienated from my sons.  I have been lied to, as have my sons.  With that said, I have put it all behind me- except for having to relive it all now with these posts, so that I may share my story.  Hold on a moment!  How can anyone ever put this behind them?  Honestly, time only helps to not think about it as much.

As each day passes, I struggle a little less.  I have good days.  I have bad days.  The loss of my sons will forever live inside of me.  Their lack of effort made to be a part of my life will change one day.

T O D A Y . . .  I have Calley.  I thank God for Calley everyday.  I feel so blessed to have been given a second chance at being a mommy.  Although, I must admit that because of the loss of my boys I sometimes catch myself being a little too overprotective over her.  I guess that can't be all bad.  I cherish each moment I have with my daughter, and strive to do right by her.

I have been telling Calley about her brothers from the day she was born, and has met them once (her older brother twice).  The last time she was with her brothers was three and a half years ago, she just had her second birthday before our visit.  


Whenever given a chance, Calley loves to tell people that she has brothers.  Also, there are all the pictures of them on our family walls.  Calley's too cute too, she is always asking about them.  She asks me to tell her stories of when they were little.  She continuously asks me what they like to eat and then will ask for me to make it for her.  At the end of each day, we finish with a prayer for her brothers, to keep them safe and close to God.

Funny thing... recently Calley one day started talking to me about her brothers.  Somewhere in the conversation she innocently assume that her daddy, was their daddy too.  Boy, talk about being put on the spot!  Well I proceeded to tell her that they had a different daddy, and that we had stopped being married.  Somehow as simply as I had put it, she understood.  And then proceeded to ask me if their daddy was part of our family.  OH BOY!  I had to contain myself,  and managed to do so.  I told her that her brothers are part of our family, and their father is part of their family... and since that was the case, we could all be considered an extended family.

I know one day my daughter will know the truth, but until then I will be as honest as I can, without taking her innocence away from her before its time.

I adore my sons, there's no question about it.  But until they are ready to be a part of my life, I will continue to hope for the day we will finally be able really put it behind us and be a family.  I will pray for myself.  I will pray for their safety.  Above all, I will pray for them to one day meet, fall in love with and marry wonderful Christian girls.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.  ~Elizabeth Stone

Continued with my final thoughts on Day 298.


Blessings to all!!

68 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 296 ~ My Fight Continues IV

Continued from Days 62, 63 & 295...

After that day at McDonald's, there were what seemed to be an eternity of court dates, weekly appointments with the G.A.L, and then at least two appointments per week with a family psychologist.  For nearly one year, my sons gave up their childhood... and for what?  Just so a man can get his vengeance.

Oh how I hated showing up at the court house.  Then finally, "my day" in court came.  I gave my attorney a document (I got a hold of) that proved that my sons' step-mother had committed pergury.   All of a sudden the other side wanted to settle.  To this day I am still bothered that my attorney did not go directly to the judge with it (or is that done only in the movies?), instead he went to the other side with it.    

At that moment, all I could think of was putting it ALL behind me.. having my life back with my sons... giving my sons back their childhood...  I knew at that moment that either I could continue fighting my sons' father, or end it all amicably (for whatever that means)... I thought of my boys.  


We had settled on shared custody, with the boys staying with their dad ("he") the majority of the school year-  I would get my sons Thursday through Monday one week, and Friday through Sunday the next.  During the summertime, it would flip.  However vacation time would come into play, as well as these cockamamie "free" days that I or he could use with a 48 hour notice.  But somehow my sons dad would screw me over each summer, where I would barely end up with a month with my sons.  I always was somehow taken advantage of.  I was always thinking of my sons, and "he" knew it... and "he" would always be thinking of how he could stick it to me, instead of just letting go and let live.  There were also holidays, birthdays and so on that were split and alternated each year.


Even at that moment . . . when I was signing the settlement papers in front of the judge, all the while he was saying that we better be sure of what we were agreeing to, I was unsure of it all but did not want my sons to suffer any more.  Years later, my youngest son asked me why I hadn't fought harder.  O U C H !  All I know is that I did the best I could at the time, especially when I did it all alone.

As I look back, I see myself as being weak.  I had been intimidated and bullied for so long.  My sons' father and his wife would gang up on me.  They would ridicule me.  So many times I would show up at my sons' athletic events and I would be shunned upon.  My sons were not even allowed to come over and say hello to me when they saw me... they would have to ask for permission to come over to me, yet allowed to go anywhere else without a problem.


I remember once at my son's baseball game, I was enjoying the game.  I was watching the game comfortably in a lawn chair, in front of my car... when another mom approached me.  She had asked me who's mom I was, knowing the answer already.  She proceeded to warn me about my son's step-mother.  She told me that the step-mother had been bad mouthing me to several of the mom's there.  "Don't worry honey, I too deal with an evil step-mother and recognized her actions right away.  I want you to know that we would love it for you to sit with us anytime you want."  WOW!  I could not believe what I was hearing.  Someone actually coming to my defense, someone actually "having my back."  I thanked her and continued watching the game from where I was sitting.

to be continued...

Recently, I keep hearing these words said over and over, yet worded a little different each time.  I would like to share my friend's quote with you... 

Surround yourself with people who celebrate who you are, not those who choose to pick you apart.  They don't appreciate the gift you really are, and aren't worthy of your presence anyway.   ~ Denise Matthews Bickers 

Blessings to all!!

69 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 295 ~ My Fight Continues III

Continued from Days 62 & 63...

Ronique "Pepper" Smith and her birth
mom reunited at last   June-2011

Just finished watching this heart wrenching, anything is possible kind of story on Dateline ID, titled Lost and Found.  

This episode was about a woman who had been kidnapped at the age of four and raised by her kidnapper.  Click here for the story on YouTube.  This episode is in a total of six parts on YouTube, this being the first of six. The other five are on YouTube as well.  

Every parent's nightmare, mine including, is the fear of your child being abducted, taken away from you.

I remember the first time my father took my eldest son to his first Los Angles Kings game, he was about 3 or so.  The entire time he was with my father, I prayed that my father would keep an eye on him and not let him out of his sight.  Talk about anxious!  I could not wait for the game to end so I could pick up my baby.

It doesn't matter how old your children are, the concern and worry will always be there.

Today, in a split second, when Calley (5) steps away from me at the market...I become a wreck!!!  Yes, I freak out each time; and each time I kneel down to Calley and praise God and then scold her.  I try to put the fear of God in her.  Tell her that there are bad bad people out there.  I just realized that I always tell her about BAD MEN... I should also tell her that there are BAD WOMEN too. Calley always responds to me so innocently, "Mommy... I was just right there" (pointing to only steps away.)  

Now, even though my boys were not taken away from me in the same way by being abducted, I can sincerely empathize with parents who have had their children taken from them.  

Some may even say, your sons were with their father... you knew where they were.  

Yes.  They are right.  I did know where they were.  However... their father went to unorthodox, evil measures and made up that I had inappropriately touch my younger son (who was three at the time).... Which then caused a horrible domino affect in my life!  A restraining order was put on me to stay away from my children.   To read more about this see Days 62 and 63 for more details.

H O W E V E R. . .  I suffered a loss.  My "mommy" strings were cut... my children gone.  

to be continued...

I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me "mommy."  ~author unknown

Blessings to all!!

70 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 237 ~ I Forgave Him Because I Had To

ON OFF ON OFF ON OFF... I have literally been staring at a blinking cursor for the last two hours.  I have been sitting in a trans just thinking about my sons.  They are grown up.  24, and in twenty-three days my youngest of my two will be 21.  Boy do I miss them.  

It's been a while since I have reminisced about my boys of when they were little.  We were inseparable up until my eldest son turned six.  Breaks my heart to even think about the years we struggled to be together, while their father manipulated and calculated ... that's when all hell broke loose in my marriage to their father.  That's all I'll say right now.  Ouch.  Still is very painful, even after all this time.

I forgave myself a long time ago for my part in it all.  I do want to say, that even though I hate what their father did to me and I rip on "that" marriage, I did love that man once.  I was in love with him.

There were good times... and then there were bad times.  Regardless, I took our marriage serious and was true to him, and our marriage until the end.  There's so much a person can take.

My funny Valentine'  ~ February 1994

There were many things that went wrong with it... but when trust went out the window, that was it.  We both failed.  Sad thing is that we failed our sons above all.  He failed for keeping them from their mother.  I failed for allowing it all to happen.

Never the less... that marriage ended December of 1993, eighteen years ago and "that" man still can't let it go.  He has never encouraged a relationship between my sons and me... actually quite the opposite.  


It may seem as if I can not let it go, not true.  I let go a long time ago.  I wished him happiness a long time ago.  I had to start my life over again, a long time ago.  I found new love, a long time ago.  

I am not writing this to bash him.  After all he is the father of my sons.  But, that is where is stops.  I no longer consider him (and this will be the one and only time you will hear me say it) "my ex-husband".  That will be the last time you read that in print.  He is nothing to "me" now.  I forgave him, because I had to as a good Christian and that's it.  I know I am being harsh or hostile toward him, and that in itself is not Christian... but I am working on it.  

Nevertheless, I miss my sons so much.   The past is the past, and must remain there.  We can't do anything about it.

Tomorrow?  Well tomorrow, I will always be here for you.  and... Tomorrow will be awesome!  


I trust in you God.

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  John 15:7 (NIV)

Blessings to all!!

128 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Image(s) courtesy of google images.

Day 167 ~ And The Madness Begins!

And...    we're off!!

So the countdown begins to Thanksgiving dinner... for some of us because we are cooking and others... well because they are looking forward to indulging our harvest creations.

With one day, seven hours and counting for my turkey to be delivered, (Yes... delivered.  I volunteered to cook Dean's aunt's turkey this year-  she has her hands full taking care of Dean's ailing grandmother,) the madness in the preparation has officially began.

courtesy of Bing images

From the moment I woke this morning I knew I had to tackle a heavy to-do list just so that everything around the house is nice, in preparation for our house-guest.  You see, I want everything just right!

One great thing about all of this is that I am getting quite a few things done around the house that I have wanted done for a while.  Today I spent my day laying a terracotta pathway to our home, touching up a couple of walls with paint, fixing a curtain rod, a couple loads of laundry, ironing... and on top of that, the car had a car wash and oil change and Calley had a play date! 

PHEW!  What a great day!!!

I wish I could say that I was preparing for the arrival of my sons for the holiday... wouldn't that be the most amazing holiday ever!  Or my sister or mother for that matter- especially since my sister has been saying she is coming for five months.  I was so looking forward to spending the holiday with her.  I am so sad and disappointed.  

As far as my mother is concerned... I am very disappointed that she does not want to spend more time with her family.  There's always something.

Well, I am happy and thankful to say that I will be having a friend come visit for the holiday.  Alysia is a great gal and a great friend.  I really can't believe that she has taken the time out of her busy schedule to plan her visit with us.  I am so blessed to have a friend like her.

So tomorrow comes day two of the madness.  Ai ya yai!  I don't even know how it will go... but I will give it my best shot!

You see tomorrow not only do I have a few more things to take care off on my to-do list, but then I have to help my mom (mother-in-law) with her to-do list, and then finally come back home and start cooking for the big feast the following day.

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.  ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

I am thankful that I am part of such an amazing family!

Blessings to all!!

198 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 141 ~ Believing In Myself

Seems to me that I may be onto something here... today I found myself once again surprising myself.  

"I have to forgive my sons' father. not for him... but for me.  I have allowed what he has done to me to affect me and my life for far too long.  I actually let all of it happen to me by not believing in myself and not standing up to him .  As far as my boys... well although they are young men now and are old enough to do as they please... this is now their choice.  They are allowing their father to continue to "brainwash" and lay controlling head games with them.  I love them and always will.  They are my sons and I do forgive them... but if they insist on not talking to me, it isn't for something I did.  As an afterthought, they may be upset at me because of my blog... I stand by what I write and believe in everything I say,  I have done nothing wrong, and write of the truth.  I would do this all over again."

As much as my heart aches for my boys, I believe in what I am doing just as much.  I realize that they have not been under the best tutelage, however they should remember what we went through together, and their father's continued suggestions to not contact me.  

Regardless, now... it is all in the past, can't change it.  All I can do is be the best I can be for myself, and my family.  And as far as the time we continue to spend apart... well, I will continue my blog for them [because I know that one day they will thank me for it,] and I will make them proud of me.

Today I came across the following quote, "I bless the past with love, take a deep breath, and move gently into the new." by Louise L. Hay.  For some reason Louise continues to pop into my life just at the right time, with just the right words.  She could not be anymore accurate.  I'm sure you would agree with me that Louise L. Hay is definitely on my "Dream Team."  

I have to admit that after having read these quotes, I realized that I am actually believing in myself, really liking what I am about and where I am heading.  I can't believe I just wrote that, because I actually am feeling it! 

Every day it gets easier to look into my own eyes in the mirror and say, "I love you just the way you are."  ~ Louise L. Hay

Received word that Shelly is doing well in her recovery process, however is in a lot of pain.  Please continue to pray for my friend's pain to subside and for a quick, healthy recovery.




 Blessings to all!!

224 days to go...


All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 129 ~ And The Forgiveness Continues...

Buried machinery in a barn lot;
Dallas, South Dakota, May 1936
photo borrowed  from wikipedia

It wasn't until my day was over today and the dust cleared, that finally my thoughts were on something else other than a "garage sale"...  when the time finally came for me to sit down and write tonight's post, I realized that after months upon months of procrastinating, that I finally decided to  forgive myself yesterday.

When I sat back and thought about it, and what all this meant, that is... I realized that most of my forgiving, in one way or another, had something to do with my sons.  I do not want to belittle, dismiss or excuse the fact that they are upset or what they must be feeling...

(As a side note...) Not to keep you in the dark... I know that I have not gotten back to "my story," (or maybe we can refer to it as "my experience") concerning the fight for my children, which I started writing about in my posts  Day 62 and Day 63.  To be very honest with you... if I really think about it, I think I have procrastinated because of the difficulty of remembering it all... re-living the experience.   It was not the best time in my life, you know. 


Quite frankly, as I take a look at the fact that I first wrote about this "experience" and now... well, go ahead and say it... "I really have procrastinated on the matter."  Give me a few days or so to get my "goat going" (wink, wink) american idiom.  Get my courage up sort of speak.


Anyways, as I was saying, and the point to this post is that even though my sons do not respond to my messages, (which only leads me to believe that they are mad at me,) will not communicate with me as to why exactly they are mad at me... well, I can not beat myself up about it anymore.  I will add that I will take responsibility for my own actions and know all the effort I have always put forth and will continue to do so.  


I have made many attempts to talk to them, communicate with them in a healthy way.  Have left them countless upon countless messages... (I am embarrassed to admit that I even got all psycho with the phone calls one night when I received disrespect from one of my sons)... and nothing.


Not even a call to their little sister on her birthday.  What fault is this of hers?


Bottom line... I can not be mad at myself or punish myself, any longer, when I have made many attempts for a healthy relationship.  Honestly, the ball is in their court.  They choose to believe lies and the negativity which has been imposed onto them by their father... as opposed to them making their own decisions and opinions for themselves.  

What I am trying to say is that... both of my sons need to hear what I have to say, especially since they have been listening to one sided views for all these years and basing their judgment upon me on the lies that have been drilled into their minds for so many years.


Although all of this pains me so... not having my sons in my life, let alone their sister's life; missing all of this time with them and the  memories that go with life; and especially the way they are handling all of this... I forgive them.  I do... and will do so seventy times seven times.


After all, I must keep in mind that this it is not entirely their fault.  It is not their fault that their father thinks so little of himself that he had to bully the mother of his children, as well as alienate their relationship with her.  I do not know why he chose to be so hateful and hurtful.  Maybe it was the beating that he received when he was jumped by all those boys back in junior high or the lack of a father around.  I don't know... however, I almost feel sorry for him.  To think of the lack of self-love and respect he must have for himself, that he thinks so low of himself that he would have to go to such measures to make himself feel good, or like a "big man."


With all that said... I have decided to forgive him as well.  Not only that, but I will also continue to ask God to help me forgive him so that I may live peacefully.


I do want to add that just because I have decided to forgive the father of my sons, that this does not mean that I will not finish sharing my experience with him...  after all, I must share with you in order to be able to help you.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.    ~ Mahatma Gandhi

You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.  ~ Author Unknown

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.  ~ Matthew 6:14-15 

Blessings to all!!

236 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 128 ~ I Did It!!

Okay... 5,000 views/hits!!!  Might not sound like much to some... to me... well ... my cup runneth over!  And if by my spilling my guts and letting you into my world has helped you in any way... I've said it before... helping you has made every night in my life that I have cried in fetal position, worth it all!  


I can't tell you enough how awesome blogging has been for me... I highly recommend it.  (big smile!)  Even when there's a night that I just do not feel up to it, and I do it anyway... in the end... I am so happy I did

So... here is another bomb to drop on you... are you ready? ...  I have decided to forgive myself.  Yes..There, I said it... I FORGIVE MYSELF!


Did you here me, everyone? I said ... 

I FORGIVE MYSELF!

Oh my?! ... that was so liberating!! Really, it was!  I was hesitant to say it at first, but once I said it, it felt so good, I had to say it over again.


For every stupid decision... for every loss moment... for every dumb thing I ever did... for not being stronger and braver... for not being there even more for my sons... I forgive myself.

I started thinking... (okay no funny remarks here...lol!)  I have done all I can do... and what I have done, I have done it well.  I have done nothing but be a great mom my boys... I have done nothing wrong in that sense.  I have done nothing but love my boys.  I have especially put an effort forward on keeping and open and honest line of communication.

I have said it once, and I will say it again... I leave all my troubles to my God, all my worries... I have faith in Him.  And as I have already asked Him for forgiveness... It is now my turn to grant it upon myself.


I forgive myself.


How's that for a new milestone?!

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”

Paul Boese

“You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”

Lewis B. Smedes

Dear Heavenly Father, I understand that there is nothing to gain by holding myself in unforgiveness and there is everything to gain by releasing myself from unforgiveness and beginning the process of healing. I want to move forward and make a positive difference in the future. I confess the ungodly accountability, self-abasement, and the vows I have made to never forgive myself. Because Jesus died for my sins, I choose to forgive myself--to no longer punish myself and be angry with myself. I forgive myself for letting this hurt control me and for hurting others out of my hurt. I repent of this behavior and my attitude. I ask for Your forgiveness and healing. God, help me to NEVER again retain unforgiveness of myself or others. Thank you for loving me and for Your grace to move forward with You. In Jesus' Name, Amen                         

Prayer quoted from an article about "Forgiving Yourself = An Important Choice"   

Blessings to all!!

237 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 124 ~ You Only Live Once...

Sometimes I just can't wrap my head around a persons's actions, let alone their non-actions.

I found myself scratching my head more and more as my day went on today... why is it that some people do not find it important to trade dialogue... this is what some people call having a conversation or possibly a discussion about recent events... good or bad.  

All I ask... which I really don't think that I am being unreasonable... is that if something bothers you, then let's talk!  We may have mixed our signals ...

Listen, I know that most people are uncomfortable approaching a family member, a friend or even a coworker, over a misunderstanding, let alone if they have been wronged against.  It's a tough position to be put in ~ been there done that... however, if one thinks about it and takes a gentle approach at the situation, before it festers, I think we can learn to understand one another...  and more importantly there would not be any time loss.   

I mean, I have the perfect example, my sister and I, and please realize that the dynamics of our relationship were a little more complicated than not... we lost 25 plus years;  my sons and I have been estranged two years, however, since July there has been some communication on and off... currently it seems as if we are off.  (sad face)

The saddest part of both of my sons' estrangement with me is the part that is affecting their relationship with Calley ~ their little sister.  

Calley is such a darling little girl.  A little girl who talks about her brothers everyday with such adoration, including them in her prayers as well.  Calley is having her fifth birthday in three days and the last time she saw her brothers was just shortly after turning two.

For these reasons... I do my best at apologizing when I am in the wrong, and then practicing the art of tolerance and forgiving those other times.  Not only that, but... You Only Live Once!

There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.     ~  Bryant H. McGill

Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.  ~  Tom Robbins

Tolerance is the virtue of the man without convictions.    ~  G.K. Chesterton

Blessings to all!!

241 days to go...

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