Day 237 ~ I Forgave Him Because I Had To

ON OFF ON OFF ON OFF... I have literally been staring at a blinking cursor for the last two hours.  I have been sitting in a trans just thinking about my sons.  They are grown up.  24, and in twenty-three days my youngest of my two will be 21.  Boy do I miss them.  

It's been a while since I have reminisced about my boys of when they were little.  We were inseparable up until my eldest son turned six.  Breaks my heart to even think about the years we struggled to be together, while their father manipulated and calculated ... that's when all hell broke loose in my marriage to their father.  That's all I'll say right now.  Ouch.  Still is very painful, even after all this time.

I forgave myself a long time ago for my part in it all.  I do want to say, that even though I hate what their father did to me and I rip on "that" marriage, I did love that man once.  I was in love with him.

There were good times... and then there were bad times.  Regardless, I took our marriage serious and was true to him, and our marriage until the end.  There's so much a person can take.

My funny Valentine'  ~ February 1994

There were many things that went wrong with it... but when trust went out the window, that was it.  We both failed.  Sad thing is that we failed our sons above all.  He failed for keeping them from their mother.  I failed for allowing it all to happen.

Never the less... that marriage ended December of 1993, eighteen years ago and "that" man still can't let it go.  He has never encouraged a relationship between my sons and me... actually quite the opposite.  


It may seem as if I can not let it go, not true.  I let go a long time ago.  I wished him happiness a long time ago.  I had to start my life over again, a long time ago.  I found new love, a long time ago.  

I am not writing this to bash him.  After all he is the father of my sons.  But, that is where is stops.  I no longer consider him (and this will be the one and only time you will hear me say it) "my ex-husband".  That will be the last time you read that in print.  He is nothing to "me" now.  I forgave him, because I had to as a good Christian and that's it.  I know I am being harsh or hostile toward him, and that in itself is not Christian... but I am working on it.  

Nevertheless, I miss my sons so much.   The past is the past, and must remain there.  We can't do anything about it.

Tomorrow?  Well tomorrow, I will always be here for you.  and... Tomorrow will be awesome!  


I trust in you God.

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  John 15:7 (NIV)

Blessings to all!!

128 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Image(s) courtesy of google images.

Day 173 ~ Kissing Boo Boos

Calley and I

I was reminded today of the important role I hold as being a mother, or rather a "mommy" as I was often called today.

My sweet little girl had a rough night last night having been up most of it with a horrible "barking" like cough, accompanied by a bad sore throat... which only translates to my being up most of the night as well.  

There's nothing worse than witnessing your baby not feeling well, except not being able to do much about it other than to let the little "virus" run its course.  At least that is what her doctor told us after having spent nearly a couple of hours at his office.  Oh... and that Calley will get worse in the next three days before she will get better.  (big sad face)

The great part of all of this is that this is the first time this school year that Calley has gotten sick.  You see, last year, and the year before that, she had such severe allergies that she was once hospitalized... and she also develops asthma from her allergies.  Last year alone she missed 62 days of school!

This year Dean and I decided to keep Calley home... the result... she has not had any asthma flare ups thus far this school year!!  YAY!! 

I will leave this subject as is in hopes to not jinx the situation.

However, I will say that I did enjoy the slower pace today... too bad it was at the expense of Calley getting sick for me to enjoy her "slower" pace... she snuggled up to me all the while requiring many hugs and many kisses, especially on the "boo boos."  Funny how I can finally keep up with her when she is sick.

It is times like these that I really miss not having been there for my sons when they needed me most.

A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.

~  Agatha Christie

Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? What's that suppose to mean? In my heart it don't mean a thing.  ~ Toni Morrison 

I am thankful for the privilege of being a mommy.

Blessings to all!!

192 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 98 ~ Logan... A True Blessing

Mommy & Addison 1989

It was 1990 and my life was somewhat complicated.  I was twenty-seven years old, and had been taking part in a one sided marriage for over four years... (meaning I was the one married- and he was still... playing the field)... the blessing of it all... was that I had a beautiful two and a half year old little boy, I called Addison.

My marriage was going through troubles; I came home one day to find my home had been emptied and forced into a separation that lasted for six months. (What a p.o.s.- he moved out while I was at work!)  I had always told myself that until I could honestly look at myself in the mirror and honestly say I gave it my all, that I would stick it out..


A couple of months later, I had arranged a birthday party for Addison's third birthday at Chuck E Cheese, and it was there that my aunt and uncle had put a bug in my ear... they mentioned that I had a glow about me and that I looked pregnant.


Shortly after my aunt and uncle's suspicion was confirmed... I found out I was pregnant with my second baby... a complete surprise... a blessing in my eyes!!  So this told me to give our marriage another change. 

Becoming overwhelmed with joy with wanting to share the beautiful news with the man I loved, the man thought I would spend the rest of my life with, the father of my children... his response..."WHAT! Are you trying to trap me? You planned this!?" on and on... after a while I was numb to what he was saying.  RED FLAG NUMBER ONE!!

What! was he stupid or something!?  We had already been married nearly five years and already had a beautiful little boy... Trapped? What an idiot!!


Oh my... I can not even begin to tell you all the thoughts that were going through my mind... my mind was going a mile a minute with overwhelming thoughts.  Let's just say that this conversation did not end pretty... and if anything it should have taken notice to RED FLAG NUMBER TWO!!


Compared to my being pregnant with Addison... this pregnancy was the most horrible experience I went through!  with the exception of having Addison by my side.


Bret was so much a part of my first pregnancy; talking to the baby; playing with my belly; going to all my doctor appointments, etc..


When it came to my pregnancy with Logan... All I can say it that I thank God for Addison!!  If it wasn't for my sweet little boy, I would have gone through it alone!, Bret called me fat, made excuses for not going to doctor appointments, never touched my belly or talked to it... however I later found out that he had plenty of time for extra curricular activities! and his attention was going elsewhere.

As time went on... Addison, well let's just say he was my bestest friend ever!  It wasn't about me having another baby, it was about Addison becoming a big brother!  He went to all my Obstetrical/Gynecological (OBGYN) appointments with me- when appropriate of course.  :)  He was there for the first time we saw our new family baby, first heartbeat and even when we found out he was to have a "little brother"!

When I was about five months pregnant, Addison and I had been looking at baby names in one of those books with well over 20,000 names..!!  for his little brother, and we came across "Logan" .... strangest thing then happened, Bret came home moments later he was telling us that he had seen the coolest name at the gym... "Logan"....  Guess what LOGAN it is!!!  


As a side note, Bret tried changing Logan's name several time, and Addison and I said NO!  Our baby is Logan!

Literally, the next day, I had been doing laundry... came across an infamous "little black book"... and as all good wives would do, I read it... RED FLAG NUMBER THREE!!

After a few hours of getting my thoughts straight, I found myself having having a very enlightening and lengthy conversation with this lovely lady... I came to find out that Bret had told her that Bret and I had been separated for months, about to divorce, and that I would not allow him to see our son except for every other weekend,- I even went as far as sharing with her that we were expecting child number two!  RED FLAG NUMBER FOUR!!


When I called him out on it when he got home from work...Can you believe it, eventually, in his defense, somehow in his crazy mind, he said it was my fault that he had his "little black book"

ONE WORD---->  WOW!!!

After all, at this point, I was five months pregnant with Logan, and we were making plans to move into a bigger home in Valencia.

Addison 5 and Logan 1-1/2

This was not the first incident like this... once we moved to Valencia and Logan had just turned one, I found out that Bret had been having six month relationship (which I later found out he continued it for another year, including having dinner with her parents, fixing their cars..etc) with another woman, who by the way could care less that he was married and had two children... RED FLAG NUMBER FIVE!!

Three months later, I ignorantly made the decision that we should go ahead and move to Seattle....  S T U P I D --->   S T U P I D ---->  S T U P I D !!! It only continued there!  Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater!

By the time Logan was two, we had filed for divorce... even with the experience of my own parent's divorce, seeing things I swore I would not do....  

Addison 19, Logan 15, Calley in belly
Mother's Day 2006

Bret on the other hand did not allow anything to stop him... all he cared about was destroying me, my relationship with my boys... parent alienation, perjury, getting his neighbors to lie, friends to lie, sabotaging my car, getting me fired from a job, lying to my children, brainwashing my children.... and so much more...

Why do I bring this up tonight.... well, I have not been able to speak to my son.  He does not answer my calls or texts.  Does not return calls.  Does not call when he says he is going to.

Something is wrong,  A mother knows.  I feel it.  I feel it in my heart. 

Dear Lord;  I am giving you my son, Logan.  I ask that you watch over him.  Be his conscious, help him do right and turn his back to all wrongdoing that comes in his path.  Please soften his heart and place good Christian, positive people in his path and his heart.  

Logan, without you in my life, a big part of my heart, soul and life is missing.  Without you in my life, I am not complete. 

A Prayer for my Son

 Almighty God,

Watch over my child.

In an age of violence, teach him peace.
Fill his soul with harmony rather than discord.
Protect him from injury, harm and sudden death at the hands of others.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
In an age of materialism, selfishness, and greed,
Let him see beyond the things of this world so that he may see a glimpse of things spiritual.
Let him value others above himself.
Let him seek wisdom above wealth.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
In an age of lust, let him know love.
In an age of gratification, let him know restraint.
Keep him sexually chaste and self controlled.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
As he grows, guide him.
As he stumbles, hold him.
In his times of anger, love him.
In his times of fear, touch him.
In his times of foolishness, teach him.
When he strays from your path, retrieve your lost sheep.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
Do not grant all the desires of his heart,
But grant all the needs of his soul.
Let him know sacrifice and discipline
So that he may know strength and faith.
As gold is placed in fire to be refined,
Give my child pain and suffering
So that he may lose those things in his heart and mind that are harmful to his soul.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
Give him love for the beauty of the world you have made.
Give him love for the family and friends.
Give him love for the stranger in his midst.
And above all, give him love for you,
That he may know you,
Serve you,
And glorify you.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
Forgive his parents when they have failed in the nurture of this child,
And quiet their worries and fears.
May they, trusting in your love for their child,
find rest and peace in the knowledge that you are with him.

Amen.

Blessings to all!!


267 days / 38 weeks to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 97 ~ Next Time CALGON!

Why is it that when you go to bed with angels on your pillows, with nothing but good intentions of waking up the next day and having a fabulous day... but then low and behold... sometime between the time you fell asleep, the seven hours that went by, and then waking up ... all hell breaks loose!!

One thing that didn't help was that I wasn't feeling well... been fighting a sinus headache for the past couple of days... but that doesn't constitute being in such a horrendous mood.

Well let's see...

~ I have been talking, chatting, skype-ing and even playing words with friends with Addison... off and on for a few weeks now...  ~ I'm hoping that this is just an example of good things to come!

~I have not been able to get a hold of Logan since a week or so after Mother's day... this doesn't help any at all- he or I especially when he is at such a vulnerable age (20) with so many choices and decisions to be made

~Tried calling my mother... no response!  What else is new!  Especially when she was suppose to help me out with something this past week.  Why give your word on something and then not follow through?!  History repeating itself, once again!  I guess I should know better.... so this one's on me!

~Tried calling my sister... no response!  What else is new!!??  She was suppose to have come through on something for me as well..

~Wake up, and as I mentioned not feeling well... the house is a wreck!

~This is now WEEK 25 of my NO CAR dilemma... Even under warranty, we gave them $400 for what seemed to be for the computer, that was in the beginning of June... we thought we would be getting back my car within two weeks at that point.  Oh and by the way, a year ago this week we bought both Dino's and my cars!  This is not the first time it has been at the shop either... so,with that, I'd be lucky if I drove my car for three months... IF THAT! 

~This evening, I once again try to call Logan, my second son... but to no avail... no answer...  and no I can not leave a message [because it makes some strange noise and does not give you the opportunity to do so], and I text him from my google number... and nothing.. I didn't go all "psycho-dialing",  well I only tried calling four times... but still to no avail... nothing.

So... instead of yelling "CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!" ... I guess I took the low row and opted to be in a crappy mood.

You know what that means... crappy mood = bad negative thoughts!

Why!?  Well, as far as I am concerned you, or rather I am completely stressed about some obligations we have, and and does not help that I can't talk to Logan.

I know my son is twenty... however twenty year old(s) not only still need hugs, but they need their moms too!

Now some constructive criticism to myself...  I overheard this on tv earlier and it has been repeating itself in my head off and on since ..."Do you think that possibly MY expectations

are a little bit too high?"   Good question, huh?  OR...

Maybe I just need to hang in there, and continue to give it to my higher being...

Let go... let God!

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.  ~Aristotle

A mother's heart is a patchwork of love.  ~Author Unknown

Blessings to all!!


268 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 64 ~ "Let's See Where This Goes" Approach ;)

As you may have already noticed I am not continuing with "part tres" of "My Fight Begins" tonight.  

I have thought about this for most of my day today.  Do I want to just write about it all and GET IT OVER WITH... or...do I want to break it up?  Which by doing so, gives me a break on having to re-live it all at once.- However, this method is like removing a band-aid very slowly, making the pain last longer. 

I mentioned in the first part of this series that if my goal is to help some one other than myself with my experiences... then, I have to put it (my story and myself) out there.  

courtesy of Bing images

And even as I sit here writing this, I am still indecisive!

Listen, I have been going through all of this all my life, what's a little longer?  Well. I just want to put it out there and then place it all in a BALLOON! and get it over with!!  I want to lead a positive life, and the sooner I can get it all out, the sooner I can start living!

What's wrong with little bits here and there, with a little POSITIVENESS in between?

courtesy of Bing images

Well that settles it!  I will continue it in a few days... maybe this will be the topic for each Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday or just Tuesday and Thursday, until it's all said and done? ... Or ... Maybe just maybe, I'll get it out there every few days?  How about taking a "let's see where this goes" approach?  

That's it!...

It's settled.  I will continue this series every few days with a "Let's see where this goes" approach.  

With all that said, I would like to let you know that I have been sub-consciously, or maybe even consciously,  dreading the inevitable... sharing my fight for my children.  This even goes back to writing my book.  

I have dragged my feet on this because I knew that I would have to re-live it all ... and not only that ... but I am really putting forth an effort on being positive.  Setting a good example, as you will.  What shakes me up once in a while is the thought of the possibility of Calley, my beautiful little girl, learning negativity from me.

I am not going to lie to you, but there has been a couple of times that I have witnessed Calley doing something negative... where did she get this from?  Well, hellooo! ... ME!!  Oh my gosh!  The last thing I ever want is for Calley to experience is needless negativity.

My wish is for her to be everything I am not!  I wish that she will be strong and self confident.  Approachable, smart and with wonderful self esteem.  I would like her to be whatever she'd like, even if it's something I would not choose for her.  I wish for her to be happy! and most of all to love herself!!

Now, now... I am not trying to be hard on myself, don't forget I am working on myself.  Trying to change negative behavior and thoughts... Just so tired of being down and sad.  I wish all those things for myself and I know that one day I will be all those wonderful things I want for my daughter, and sons for that matter.

courtesy of Bing images

My eldest son just told me this evening that he was going to try out for the Navy Seals tomorrow... so many different feelings and thoughts!  One of which...the last thing I want, is for something to happen to my son!  However, this is something he wants and I am very proud of him for setting such a great goal!!  He has a great outlook... kind of a "let's see what happens" approach.   ;)   

I can tell that he doesn't want to get his hopes up... BUT...  I am his mother and I believe that he can do whatever he sets his mind to... and if it's meant to be, well, I believe that HE WILL BE GREAT AT IT!!  Great things will happen for him!!  

Wonderful things are in store for all my children! and for me and Dean!!

My children are a beautiful reflection of God's love.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”  Dr. Seuss 

Blessings to all!!

301 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 51 ~ My Dream Team Continues to Grow with Angels!

courtesy of Bing images

Life has given me ups, downs and in-betweens, that's for sure.  But the thing I am most grateful for, has been the "Angels" that have been placed in my life!

I have had my struggles with family, which I am sure that that will be endless... however, one constant, has been my friends, or rather what I like to refer to as my "Angels" on my "Dream Team"!

It may have not been apparent at the time, and the world may have felt as it was ending... BUT as I look back, I have always had my "Angels" by my side.

I mentioned that through my blogging, my desire is to be able to help someone else through my experiences... which in turn in my eyes would have made it worth it having gone through what I did.  All the days and nights that I spent in fetal position, all the tears shed, all the moments longing for my children... ALL OF IT WOULD BE WORTH IT if I can spare someone else from going through it.

courtesy of Bing images

Life has a funny way of doing things... a funny way of putting something or SOMEONE in your path of life...

Monday, when Dean, Calley and I were headed to the beach, we were indecisive as to where we wanted to go... so we just went where our feet took us...

Before I knew it, I spent my day not only with my family, but with a new Angel in my life!!  Alysia.  Not only that, but as we talked and shared, I discovered that we were meant to meet!  You see, she is going through a horrible divorce from a controlling man, who wants to take her children from her!  As I shared my story with her, as well as my blog, it was as if the heavens opened up and was shinning on us both!  Seriously!!  

I do not want to get too personal with her story, and I do not know if you want to call it fate, us meeting that is... however, I certainly think so and sincerely hope that I can help her fight and not give up.  

For a mother, it is second nature to put our children's needs before our own, and with that said, we need to do what is right for them, even if it takes a lifetime.  Believe me you never want to hear the words... "why didn't you fight harder for me?!" ... as I did from my Logan.  It broke my heart!  and I thought I fought... I just saw how tired their little faces were of all the court dates, counseling, etc... but I should have gone to trial!  "Shoulda, coulda, woulda!!!"

Alysia, was not the only "Angel" placed in my path this week...

Last night I had the most amazing night at one of my dearest "Dream Team" Angels... :)   Talk about a house full of angels... Jeannie has been a part of my life for twenty-five years now!!  We met as neighbors, and not only that but we were pregnant with our first borns... who ultimately were born nine days apart!!

Jeannie, has seen me get knocked down (figuratively speaking), and witnessed my marriage to my sons' father... she even socked him in the stomach once!  Got him good too!!!

Prior to my heading over to her home, I received a text from her asking if it was ok to have one of her many children over too because she herself just broke up with her (controlling and verbally abusive man, several years her elder) boyfriend.  I told Jeannie... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Of course not!!!

When we got there... Jeannie shared with me that she thought they were supposed to get together tomorrow night, however my Angel was thinking...  Diana needed to come over TONIGHT!!!  It was meant to be!!!

What an amazing young lady.  Diana is my eldest son's age, 24, and already has seen the devil, more than once!  (ha ha- just kidding, oh well, maybe not!)  SO sad to see someone so young going through such ugliness in a relationship!  The great thing about it... they did not marry and do not have children together!!!  That definitely is a plus... now, to get all the ugliness out of her and bring her up to the place she should be at!  Hold her head up high, believing in herself and best of all... loving herself!!  

Diana, first of all... you made it through night one!! Major accomplishment!!  and secondly... you have not only Jeannie by your side, but Chelsea & Becki (angels in training!!  heck not!!... they are already Angels... and they're mine too!! - after all their mama is Jeannie!!!)  Be strong and know that you can always count on ALL OF US!

I know I had, and continue to have bad experiences from my marriage to my boys' father... and I never EVER thought I would say this... BUT...

I truly feel blessed for having gone through what I did with my children and their father... today I am a strong woman because of it! It is said that we should embrace our experiences in life, after all, it makes us who we are today!!

I have close friends who nurture me and make me laugh.

I am open to friendship, and I now attract the most wonderful new friends to me.

My circle of friendship continues to grow beyond what I ever expected 

Blessings to all!!

314 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Day 30 ~ My Greatest Gift... My Son Addison

Addison Ryan - 1 month old

Twenty-four years ago today, Wednesday, July 8th, 1987... Bon Jovi's Livin' on a Prayer and  Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me) were topping the charts; The Edmonton Oilers won the Stanley Cup; The Los Angeles Lakers were NBA Champs ... and ... I was given the gift of my first-born son, Addison Ryan.  

As far as I was concerned, Addison was my "miracle baby"... it had taken me nearly two years to conceive him.  I had never in my life wanted anything more, as much as I wanted to be his mommy!

I remember thinking just days before he was born, as I was laying in bed watching the 4th of July show on tv, trying to keep cool (as mentioned in Day 26)... if I was going to love Addison enough?  Let alone about all the wonderful things I was going to teach him... more importantly to be a true gentleman...  and how I couldn't wait to be his mommy.  

What I mean to say is that after months of talking to my belly, eating properly (the best I had ever taken care of myself EVER!), taking my vitamins... the time was almost here!  Days before his arrival my mind was doing loops!  All the What if's where flying all throughout my head.  What if this?  What if that?  I was literally driving myself insane!!


Addison was a planned c-section baby... so planned, that knowing this in advance, I even planned his actual birthday months ahead (secretly~ I didn't want to come across too neurotic!!  LOL!!)


And talk about the "nesting period"... This "new mommy to be" had to have EVERYTHING ready for her little boy.  His room, his clothes, and even his name!


The day finally came...  The second I laid eyes on my little Addison, I was flooded with an abundance of love!  I had never known that I could love someone as much, until the day my son was born! 

Years have gone by... many trials and tribulations, ups and downs... most definitely more than "the" normal family.  My son is so grown up!  A man.  We hadn't spoken in two years, until today.  (Long story~  another day, another time.)   I just wanted to jump through the phone and hug him!

I told him of my blog (among other things) and how I wanted to leave him something of myself.  How I wanted him to be proud of me... that when he sees me, to say and think of me... "That's my mom!" with pride!    

My son responded by saying, "...first you need to be proud of yourself..."

My immediate thought, "forget me"... I want YOU to be proud of me.  However, then I thought ... "he's right".  You know, like they say, "you need to love yourself, before anyone can love you" ... 

May 1989 ~ Addison and I

Then I thought... "my three children are my best accomplishments", and as quickly as I thought of that, I then thought... "I love that I am writing a blog, and I am proud that I have kept it up and I am still going strong!"...


So maybe, I am starting to feel a little self-worth and pride... WOW!  This is how it feels?


A M A Z I N G !!  I want more!!

I love you Addison.  You are one of the three (okay four~ including Dean) best things that has ever happened to me!  

I love you to the moon and stars above!!

I will bless her and will surely give you a son by her. I will bless her so that she will be the mother of nations; kings of peoples will come from her.”   Genesis 17:16

Blessings to all!

335 days to go.



All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.