Day 192 ~ Life's Curveballs

SO many thoughts going through my mind right now, that it is not even funny!  My thoughts are bouncing off of each other... it's crazy.  The moment I try to process one thought, another one is right behind it taking me in the other direction.

We have Christmas right around the corner, and as I shared last night, I have barely done any shopping.  The big reason is that money is really tight and it might be that Dean has limited work between now and the first week of January.  Ugh!!  

Just as we were getting ahead, BAM!  Little by little, whatever I had saved up... G-O-N-E!  But I have faith that something good is up ahead for us.  I have decided to think that way rather than to focus on the present situation.  I just handle whatever comes our way, and continue to look forward.  SO tired of dwelling on the negative.

Then I have my "special" house guest, my sister.  The jury is still out on this one.  Although, I could say that it's been okay.  It is very difficult to open up and be 100% trusting and loving.  I understand that in order to truly forgive, one must basically let go of the past, in order to move forward and past it all... especially if you want to have a healthy relationship.  However, when there has been as much kaos and havoc as there has been in our lives and relationship with one another... well once you've been burned, you are really careful when you get close to the stove the next time.

Don't get me wrong, I have been giving our relationship a big effort... after all my sister is staying in my home.  And I am trying to teach her about nutrition, exercise and a healthy lifestyle.  I am trying to help my sister.  I feel bad for her... yet, one must keep in mind that whatever she has or does not have is because of decisions she has made.  I am prepared, and will help her... I will however not enable her.

Originally she was to stay until February, operative words being, "originally" and "was".  She found out this evening that she has an appointment just before New Year's that she may not be able to change... she will not find out for sure until tomorrow.  Although by sounds of it all, looks like a definite go.

How do I feel about this?  I really do not know.  Initially, I was very upset in thinking that she is was giving up and reneging on all our plans.  On one hand I don't blame her that she may want to return, yet on the other this is a much healthier environment for her.  Honestly, I can't help it but to think that she wants to go back and this is a perfect out for her.  Well only "time" will honestly dictate if I am right or not, or even if it matters. 

I really thought we would have this time to heal our relationship, and then WHAM-O! she is not here but for four days and something comes up... so much for starting a business or preparing for the future.

I know I am disappointed about the possibilities of things not changing for her or for me.  However, I also have to remember that even though help is offered, that does not mean that it will be welcomed, or taken for that matter.  The "person" in need must want to be helped, and/or want to change things in their life.  We can't force a person to take advise, or to take our help.

One thing is for sure... I tried to help.  I sincerely cared.  That's all I will say right now.  Trying not to get upset.  Just when her self- esteem and self-worth were beginning to show signs of growth.  She was even starting to believe in herself.  (big happy face.)

So as disappointed as I may be to the possible change of plans, I must place my faith in God by leaving my worries in his hands.  I praise you Jesus!

Anything God asks us to do he supplies us with the energy and grace to do.    ~ author unknown   

If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.  ~ 1 Peter 4:11  (NIV) 

On the forth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 

...   four loving dogs

...   three cook books

...   two ceiling fans, 

...   our little girl we call Calley

Blessings to all!!

173 days weeks to go...

PS... I love and miss you boys.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Picture credits... images courtesy of Bing images.

Day 88 ~ ... But You Can't Make Him/Her Drink!

After re-reading last night's post, I'd like to elaborate on a couple of things I said.  As I read it, I felt that I left out some information... which by doing so made it sound as if I was being  a heartless, spoiled brat.  I know that part of it is that I really do not, or rather, am not ready to share 100% on this matter~ and because of this I was being very evasive, not to mention I was upset.

Since I was about fifteen, I have been out on my own and have always taken care of myself.  When I set to do something... I did it!... may have taken me a little bit, but I did it!  My sister on the other hand was not as independent as I, and made completely different choices.  Besides the fact that our parents (and as I am starting to learn) especially our father, would use us against each other in their fights, for their own benefit.  There is more to it, however this gives you an idea.  

Because of some of the choices my sister made, my mother was always by her side helping her.  I even remember my mother once saying that she really did not have to worry about me.  But all this accomplished was my staying away, more so because my sister and I never got along.

I am very black and white, matter of fact, and can not handle drama and all that goes with it.  My sister and I did not get along more so because of the division created by my parents, that and we were opposites in these respects.  As I sit back and think in the last thirty-two years, my sister and I have spoken for maybe four years and out of the last eleven years, only one.  Pretty sad.

It was so bad that the last time I introduced her to my friends, was in 2001 - I'll just say that she freaked out.  She went to my first wedding only because my father threatened me.  I didn't talk to her then and wasn't even introduced to my in-laws.  In the ten years I was married she came over a couple of times after Addison was born, and that was it.  She met Dean back in 2001 when we were dating, and that was it.  Was not invited to my wedding.  That has been the extent of our relationship.

I started talking to her a few months ago after hearing she was in bad shape.  I do notice a change, and have chosen forgive her, although I feel very apprehensive about it.  I sincerely do want to have a sister, but it is rendering to be very difficult.   

As I mentioned, she has been ill and was recently diagnosed bipolar.  She had major surgery back in November, and has had trouble with the recuperation.  Infections, trouble with her blood being too thin, and a few other issues.  Now... let me make something else clear, I feel that she could be making all of this worse because she is depending on at least twenty different prescription drugs including morphine and Oxycontin.  She carries two gallon sized baggies filled halfway with prescription bottles and she is only 45.  

Something is just not right.

I know that because I am so black and white, I can be a "little" rough around the edges... because I am so matter of fact, well I just blurt out the truth and how I feel and do not know how to sugar coat things well... when drama shows its ugly face my heart starts racing, I can't breathe and I just can't handle things right.  I know these qualities of mine... well let's just say that I have found my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion!

With that said, it has not been easy relating to someone that does not think logically... someone who reacts to things differently than you and I...  someone who freaks out at the weirdest things... someone who one minute tells you one thing, which is very believable, and then does not come through.

“Oυr greatest joy-аחԁ ουr greatest pain comes іח ουr relationships wіtһ others.” ~ Stephen R. Covey

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.   ~Buddha

Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship.   ~Margaret Mead

Blessings to all! 

277 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 78 ~ The Truth Always Prevails

Wm. Shakespearecourtesy of Bing images

Shakespeare wrote in The Merchant of Venice "The truth will come to light", which was based on proverbs dating from at least the eleventh century.  "Truth will out" appears in this form by 1439. **

As centuries go by, nine to be exact, the quote has transformed itself to, "The truth always comes out in the end."

Even all those centuries ago, where to most of us consider it simply history and others find it to be surreal or almost dream like to have lived such a long time ago... regardless, Shakespeare was very wise on was on to something. 

Personally, I find it very deep and right on the money.  Doesn't matter how much time goes by, eventually, the truth always comes out.  More so after the deceiver has left us for greener pastures (at least they hope they went to greener pastures anyways.)

cbk

So, if you think that you have gotten away with untruths, think again... it WILL eventually come out, and then what?!

Whether your scared, afraid or just a habitual liar, please know that you ARE hurting others with your stories... however in the end, the person you are truly hurting is yourself!  

I'm sure there are situations, that out of true safety for yourself or your family you may tell a "white" lie... this is different.  I am talking about ridiculous untruths that are meant to hurt others.   

courtesy of Bing images

I have always told my sons, and now I am teaching my daughter the same...  "a lie can hurt forever... telling the truth only for the moment"... as I continue to explain it now to Calley... "when you lie, people will eventually not believe anything you say... when you are honest, you are trusted and hardly questioned."  I also would tell my boys... "a man could have all the money in the world, but without his word, he is the poorest man.  And a man without money, however with integrity and honesty behind him, can be the richest in the world."

So, when you have asked me a question or my opinion and you did not like my answer, at least you know that I was being truthful.  And please don't ask me if your butt looks big!

the worst thing about being lied to is knowing you're not worth the truth   ~ author unknown

Never forget what people say to you when they're angry--that's when the truth comes out.  ~ author unknown

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.   - Benjamin Disraeli

I'd rather be hated for who I am, rather than loved for who I am not.  - Kurt Cobain 

Blessings to all!!

287 days to go

**  http://www.enotes.com/shakespeare-quotes/appendix-faux-truth-come-light-out

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 77 ~ A Shout Out ... Filled With Gratitude

courtesy of Bing images

When I started writing my blog, as I have mentioned, I wanted to put my story out there for my children and my family so they could understand me a little more... and to possibly help someone.  

Having said that... I knew that my blog had to be read... however... I cannot believe all the cities that my blog has been read in!!  

I am dedicating tonight's post to all of those who have read my blog... I hope in some way I have either helped you, or at least made you laugh.   ~ wink, wink

Some of you may have only read my blog once, and others couldn't resist coming back for more... Either way... a big thank you!!!  and then some of you may not like what I write...  a quick note to you...  if you don't like what I experienced, how do you think I felt going through it all?

Regardless... I hope in some way I have toughed your heart, and maybe even made you laugh once or twice...  any way you look at it... 

a shout out to each an every one of you (a heartfelt hello)... you know who you are... ~ wink, wink.  ... this post is for you!!

courtesy of Bing images

...   as south as Porto Alegre, Rio de Janeiro and Sao Jose do Rio Preto, Sao Paulo - Brazil...   as north as on the borders of Nunavut and Manitoba, and in Vancouver Canada...   Alexandria, Egypt...   Paris, France...   as north as New Delhi, as west as Gujarat, Chennai and,  south of Dubbak and Vishakhapatnam in India...    Germany...    Malaysia...    near Amsterdam and Rotterdam in the Netherlands...   southern city in Pakistan...    Lima, Peru...   near the cities of Manila and Batagas City and near the small island of Banton in the Phillipeans...   southern Poland...   Moskva in Russia...   Singapore...   as well as near the cities of Seoul and Busan in South Korea...   near the cities of Birmingham, London, Oxford and just north of Stockton-on in the United Kingdom... 

I also want to pay homage to those back home, in the States, some old friends... and some new... may God Bless you too!

courtesy of Bing images

Normal, Alabama...   near Phoenix and in Tucson, Arizona...   near San Francisco, Los Angeles and San Diego, California...   Pensacola and Port Charlotte, Florida...   just outside of Atlanta and Huntsville, Georgia...   near Boise, Idaho...   the windy city- Chicago, Illinois...   Council Bluffs, Iowa...   just northeast of Wichita, Kansas...   south of New Orleans and Thibodaux, Louisiana...   a border city in Massachusetts...   Las Vegas, Nevada...   New York...   close to Cleveland, Ohio...   near Rapid City, South Dakota...   Austin, El Paso and San Antonio, Texas...   Seattle, Washington...   southwest of Washington D.C.... Milwaukee, Wisconsin...     

I really hope, that I in some way, have brought you a little insight, encouragement and support, possibly even some joy or even maybe an "Aha" moment... as much insight, encouragement and support, and "Aha" moments as writing this blog has brought me!   This one is for you!

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues.   -- Cicero

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.   -- Albert Schweitzer

Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.   -- Brian Tracy 

Blessings to all!!

288 days / 41 weeks to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 51 ~ My Dream Team Continues to Grow with Angels!

courtesy of Bing images

Life has given me ups, downs and in-betweens, that's for sure.  But the thing I am most grateful for, has been the "Angels" that have been placed in my life!

I have had my struggles with family, which I am sure that that will be endless... however, one constant, has been my friends, or rather what I like to refer to as my "Angels" on my "Dream Team"!

It may have not been apparent at the time, and the world may have felt as it was ending... BUT as I look back, I have always had my "Angels" by my side.

I mentioned that through my blogging, my desire is to be able to help someone else through my experiences... which in turn in my eyes would have made it worth it having gone through what I did.  All the days and nights that I spent in fetal position, all the tears shed, all the moments longing for my children... ALL OF IT WOULD BE WORTH IT if I can spare someone else from going through it.

courtesy of Bing images

Life has a funny way of doing things... a funny way of putting something or SOMEONE in your path of life...

Monday, when Dean, Calley and I were headed to the beach, we were indecisive as to where we wanted to go... so we just went where our feet took us...

Before I knew it, I spent my day not only with my family, but with a new Angel in my life!!  Alysia.  Not only that, but as we talked and shared, I discovered that we were meant to meet!  You see, she is going through a horrible divorce from a controlling man, who wants to take her children from her!  As I shared my story with her, as well as my blog, it was as if the heavens opened up and was shinning on us both!  Seriously!!  

I do not want to get too personal with her story, and I do not know if you want to call it fate, us meeting that is... however, I certainly think so and sincerely hope that I can help her fight and not give up.  

For a mother, it is second nature to put our children's needs before our own, and with that said, we need to do what is right for them, even if it takes a lifetime.  Believe me you never want to hear the words... "why didn't you fight harder for me?!" ... as I did from my Logan.  It broke my heart!  and I thought I fought... I just saw how tired their little faces were of all the court dates, counseling, etc... but I should have gone to trial!  "Shoulda, coulda, woulda!!!"

Alysia, was not the only "Angel" placed in my path this week...

Last night I had the most amazing night at one of my dearest "Dream Team" Angels... :)   Talk about a house full of angels... Jeannie has been a part of my life for twenty-five years now!!  We met as neighbors, and not only that but we were pregnant with our first borns... who ultimately were born nine days apart!!

Jeannie, has seen me get knocked down (figuratively speaking), and witnessed my marriage to my sons' father... she even socked him in the stomach once!  Got him good too!!!

Prior to my heading over to her home, I received a text from her asking if it was ok to have one of her many children over too because she herself just broke up with her (controlling and verbally abusive man, several years her elder) boyfriend.  I told Jeannie... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Of course not!!!

When we got there... Jeannie shared with me that she thought they were supposed to get together tomorrow night, however my Angel was thinking...  Diana needed to come over TONIGHT!!!  It was meant to be!!!

What an amazing young lady.  Diana is my eldest son's age, 24, and already has seen the devil, more than once!  (ha ha- just kidding, oh well, maybe not!)  SO sad to see someone so young going through such ugliness in a relationship!  The great thing about it... they did not marry and do not have children together!!!  That definitely is a plus... now, to get all the ugliness out of her and bring her up to the place she should be at!  Hold her head up high, believing in herself and best of all... loving herself!!  

Diana, first of all... you made it through night one!! Major accomplishment!!  and secondly... you have not only Jeannie by your side, but Chelsea & Becki (angels in training!!  heck not!!... they are already Angels... and they're mine too!! - after all their mama is Jeannie!!!)  Be strong and know that you can always count on ALL OF US!

I know I had, and continue to have bad experiences from my marriage to my boys' father... and I never EVER thought I would say this... BUT...

I truly feel blessed for having gone through what I did with my children and their father... today I am a strong woman because of it! It is said that we should embrace our experiences in life, after all, it makes us who we are today!!

I have close friends who nurture me and make me laugh.

I am open to friendship, and I now attract the most wonderful new friends to me.

My circle of friendship continues to grow beyond what I ever expected 

Blessings to all!!

314 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Day 48 ~ Feeling Blessed

I feel so complete as of lately.  As far as I am concerned it's short of a miracle that I am feeling this way... why?  well, I have never felt this way..  and regardless that  my life is not 100% where I would like it to be, I know that I am on the right track!

Furthermore, I know is that, what I want is to be happy...  I absolutely love Dean... and would never want to not live without Calley as I have experienced living without Addison and Logan.  

With all that said, I want to continue to be the best person I can be... and as I have mentioned previously, I would like to save someone else from all the pain I have endured...

I adore my husband...  I have seen how much love he has grown up with, and the difference it makes to how a person that has not been as blessed... as well as the fact that I want my daughter to have the best life ever!  

I never want Calley, Addison or Logan to feel less than, EVER, in their lives.  and ... Other than being the best that I can be... I really do not know what else I can do to have my children to be proud of me.

I can not tell you what my children think of all of this, but what I can tell you is that this is bound to end with a happily ever after!!

I am blessed.

Blessings to all!!

317 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Day 42 ~ ♪♫• Ch...ch...changes... ♪♫• (turn and face the strain) ♪♫•

Just finished up my sixth week of writing... and so prepared for whatever my seventh week has in store for me!

Courtesy of Bing images

Today, I got up and realized that if I wanted to be happy, I needed to do something about it!  I immediately called for Dean, and shared my discovery...  "What have I done?!  I can not go back to where I was teaching.  I was miserable there most of the year... and became more grouchier as the year advanced."...not only that... "We can't place Calley in public school because she is too young and "they" won't test her for another year"...

The decision was made... I will be home schooling Calley this year...  We can't put her in a pre-k class- she will climb the walls and be so bored (she knows all the material)... and we can no longer afford to the school she was going to...  We will all be much happier this way!

Courtesy of Bing images

I dropped the bomb on everyone today... and then got busy with housework... sorry ...

What will I do?  ...   Will I follow my dreams? ...  

Well one thing is for sure... I want to be happy... and I want to have positive people in my life... and quite frankly, I have to respect not only what I do- but who I work for.  

My life is a joy filled with love, fun and friendship all I need do is stop all criticism, forgive, relax and be open.

When I believe in myself, so do others

 I choose love, joy and freedom, open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.

Blessings to all!

323 days /  46 weeks to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Day 37 ~ I Only "Shop" the Clearance Racks!

As I approached my computer tonight, I was wondering what I was going to write about.  So... I checked into Facebook to see what was going on, and this is the first thing I read...

If you're NOT being treated with love & respect, check your "price tag". Perhaps you have marked yourself down. It's you who tell people what you're worth BY WHAT YOU ACCEPT AND EXPECT! Get off the "clearance rack" and get behind the glass where they keep all the "valuables." The bottom line is....."value" yourself more.  Re-post if you like...You might help someone get off the "clearance rack".

Ok.  Who's been tapping into my brain?  As I read this, the first thing that came to mind was... Where was Facebook when I was growing up? One thing is for sure, their founders weren't even born yet!!  OUCH!  How's that for a stinger!  LOL!


Ah, you know... I think what matters in the here and now is that I now know that I am worth more than I ever possibly thought.  And I will never allow anyone to treat me badly again, not even my boys.

February 1994, Seattle, Wa

I know I mentioned that my boys, (who are men now) and I have been estranged for the last two years.  Well is what happened... my eldest and I got into an argument because I had been talking to who was then the newest of the ex'es in his father's life, the woman that helped "his" father take his brother and he away from me.  He did not like it.  He reminded me of all the things she did to his brother and he, as well as to me.  And of course, all I could hear was "his" father trying to control me through him.


He proceeded to tell me that his father was the "one" that had always been by his side.  I quickly reminded him that "his" father did not communicate many things to me, lied to me, kept them from me, and he himself had been witness etc... and that I did not appreciate what he was saying.  I also remember asking him why it was okay for "his" father to make friends with a man that I used to see that was way more abusive, not only mentally but physically, but it was not okay for me.


Somehow my words were not heard, and what was "heard" was that I had disowned both of my sons.  


Now two years later I feel used, trampled on and very hurt.  Not only by my children, but by the woman who so deeply apologized for her part in taking my children from me.  I did forgive her then, but now... "she" has backed away from our friendship because I had told my son that "she" had been filling me in on things about them to help me out.  Did she expect me to lie to my boys?  I don't keep anything from my boys... "homie don't play that game!"  Well, I definitely do not need friends like that.  Once again she hurt me.  And that was the last time.


It is not that I chose to be friends with her, than to honor my son's request... It was a matter of principle.  I was not going to allow my son to follow in his father's footsteps.  I could hear "his" father talk right through him.  Would I do it again knowing that both my sons would stop talking to me for what now has been two years?  Probably.  Why?  Because I value myself more than that.  Besides what would I be teaching my sons?  It's okay to control women? It's okay to treat people the way their father does?  No, I can't do that.


What would you do?

Courtesy of Bing images

I know that I have missed out in both of their lives, let alone Calley, their little sister has not seen them since she two.  Now, the fact that they do not show me any respect, only drives me more to teach them what is right... even if it means not seeing and talking to them.  I would never forgive myself if I had not tried and then they end up treating others like this, let alone their wives.  


One day they will see how bad all of this was, how much time we wasted apart, and I hope and pray they understand why I did it.  I can not tell you enough how much I love my sons, I would do anything for them... but what I will not do is live on the "clearance rack"!!

My Worth as a Human Being is Unconditional

Blessings to all!

328 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.