Day 172 ~ Committed to Myself

Today has been an overwhelming day ...  I really am too tired to try to watch my p's and q's, let alone not wanting to take the chance of my saying something that may upset anyone.

It doesn't just take discipline to respond to one of life's moves against us, but it also takes patience and courage.  It is bad enough that we are caught off-guard most of the time, but to also be expected to handle life's  head games without making a mistake once in a while is ludicrous.  

This is why tonight I am taking the time to think about today's events thoroughly in order to be able to make sense of it all in the most positive fashion.

Difficulties are opportunities to better things; they are stepping stones to greater experience. Perhaps someday you will be thankful for some temporary failure in a particular direction. When one door closes, another always opens.    ~ author unknown

I am thankful for the fact that I am committed to making a wonderful life for my family and myself.

Blessings to all!!

193 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 129 ~ And The Forgiveness Continues...

Buried machinery in a barn lot;
Dallas, South Dakota, May 1936
photo borrowed  from wikipedia

It wasn't until my day was over today and the dust cleared, that finally my thoughts were on something else other than a "garage sale"...  when the time finally came for me to sit down and write tonight's post, I realized that after months upon months of procrastinating, that I finally decided to  forgive myself yesterday.

When I sat back and thought about it, and what all this meant, that is... I realized that most of my forgiving, in one way or another, had something to do with my sons.  I do not want to belittle, dismiss or excuse the fact that they are upset or what they must be feeling...

(As a side note...) Not to keep you in the dark... I know that I have not gotten back to "my story," (or maybe we can refer to it as "my experience") concerning the fight for my children, which I started writing about in my posts  Day 62 and Day 63.  To be very honest with you... if I really think about it, I think I have procrastinated because of the difficulty of remembering it all... re-living the experience.   It was not the best time in my life, you know. 


Quite frankly, as I take a look at the fact that I first wrote about this "experience" and now... well, go ahead and say it... "I really have procrastinated on the matter."  Give me a few days or so to get my "goat going" (wink, wink) american idiom.  Get my courage up sort of speak.


Anyways, as I was saying, and the point to this post is that even though my sons do not respond to my messages, (which only leads me to believe that they are mad at me,) will not communicate with me as to why exactly they are mad at me... well, I can not beat myself up about it anymore.  I will add that I will take responsibility for my own actions and know all the effort I have always put forth and will continue to do so.  


I have made many attempts to talk to them, communicate with them in a healthy way.  Have left them countless upon countless messages... (I am embarrassed to admit that I even got all psycho with the phone calls one night when I received disrespect from one of my sons)... and nothing.


Not even a call to their little sister on her birthday.  What fault is this of hers?


Bottom line... I can not be mad at myself or punish myself, any longer, when I have made many attempts for a healthy relationship.  Honestly, the ball is in their court.  They choose to believe lies and the negativity which has been imposed onto them by their father... as opposed to them making their own decisions and opinions for themselves.  

What I am trying to say is that... both of my sons need to hear what I have to say, especially since they have been listening to one sided views for all these years and basing their judgment upon me on the lies that have been drilled into their minds for so many years.


Although all of this pains me so... not having my sons in my life, let alone their sister's life; missing all of this time with them and the  memories that go with life; and especially the way they are handling all of this... I forgive them.  I do... and will do so seventy times seven times.


After all, I must keep in mind that this it is not entirely their fault.  It is not their fault that their father thinks so little of himself that he had to bully the mother of his children, as well as alienate their relationship with her.  I do not know why he chose to be so hateful and hurtful.  Maybe it was the beating that he received when he was jumped by all those boys back in junior high or the lack of a father around.  I don't know... however, I almost feel sorry for him.  To think of the lack of self-love and respect he must have for himself, that he thinks so low of himself that he would have to go to such measures to make himself feel good, or like a "big man."


With all that said... I have decided to forgive him as well.  Not only that, but I will also continue to ask God to help me forgive him so that I may live peacefully.


I do want to add that just because I have decided to forgive the father of my sons, that this does not mean that I will not finish sharing my experience with him...  after all, I must share with you in order to be able to help you.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.    ~ Mahatma Gandhi

You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.  ~ Author Unknown

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.  ~ Matthew 6:14-15 

Blessings to all!!

236 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 101 ~ Found the Dimmer Switch

At first I wanted to, not apologize, but say how disappointed I am in myself for ranting, feeling sorry for myself, and for being so negative.

Then, I started to rethink things... my life experiences and the manner in which my family (the family I was born into) opted to pass on to me all of their... let's just call them "quirks".

Well, I can almost bet my life on the fact that I am not the only person on this earth that has undergone similar situations.  And If I, in some small way can help someone else, sympathize with them, even empathize with them... just so they do not feel so alone and possibly understood.  Then I really think that this will help me heal as well.

One last sad note on the subject... not one of my maternal* family members (that I was born to) ... shows concern, and from what I am beginning to understand, really doesn't care about what I have to say.  Oh except one of my cousins -who from what she had to say, indicated that she not only knew better than I because she is an "MD" [oh brother], and also thought she knew what I, myself experienced, better than myself because her father, my uncle, told her that my mother shared it with him... 


Now bare in mind that I am at least fifteen years her senior- and we did not grow up together, not even in the same continent, and no disrespect to my mother or uncle... but my mother embellishes the truth quite a bit... oh and not only that but the perspective of an adult is going to be completely different than a child's... 


Let me ask you this Gloria... did your father ever tell you that my mother, your adoring, wonderful, loving aunt, would not allow us to touch or kiss her unless we all bathed.... or that we had to wash everything we purchased from the grocery store prior to putting it away... or how about witnessing your father having (in the act) an affair with the maid?  Just curious?  Or how about the fact that your wonderful, adoring grandfather dangled my brother from his feet out of a second story window?  just because he was saying hello to a neighbor?  (Oh and I have more stories too!  But I am so over it now!!  I am a survivor and will not allow any of this to define me!


I was there all those times and witnessed it all!  Argue that one!  Actually there is no argument... because I LIVED IT!


So as far as I am concerned, you have absolutely no clue as to what happened to me, and being as smart as you claim to be, I am really surprised that you do not follow through better on information you hear.  You should always check your resources!


I have just filled a balloon... double tied it... and it's has floated into the atmosphere!!  Never to be seen or heard of again!  

I can not tell you how blessed I am!  Many of my friends reached out to me yesterday...  and many times I did not answer my  phone- couldn't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself ... and at others, just the mere fact of texting helped me a lot.  What did slap me in the face was ... that family does not mean that you have similar DNA... they are there for you through thick and thin, and once again my Dream Team proved it!  

SO... there are two things I can do...

1. Continue to be angry, bitter, feel sorry for myself, knowing that I do not have any camaraderie or support from my family.   ~ OR   ~
2. Do something about it!  After thinking about what I want from my life, what I need to do, and the healthy daughter I want to raise... I CAN DO IT! 

I found the light switch... it's on dim, but at least it is on.  And I will be turning the light on brighter and brighter.

I am starting to find and understand a "drive" within me... however, it isn't so much that I want to be successful (ok... you got me, I do!), but most importantly I do not want to let anyone down that I may able to help.

"One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives."   ~ Euripides

"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway."  ~ Jerome Cummings

 "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."  ~  Walter Winchell

Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."  ~ Helen Keller

"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with."   ~ Mark Twain 

Blessings to all!!

264 days to go...

*Funny how the negative always stands out in our minds...  I I How we often focus on the negative things that happen to us... When we should be grateful for what we have. 

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.   

Day 88 ~ ... But You Can't Make Him/Her Drink!

After re-reading last night's post, I'd like to elaborate on a couple of things I said.  As I read it, I felt that I left out some information... which by doing so made it sound as if I was being  a heartless, spoiled brat.  I know that part of it is that I really do not, or rather, am not ready to share 100% on this matter~ and because of this I was being very evasive, not to mention I was upset.

Since I was about fifteen, I have been out on my own and have always taken care of myself.  When I set to do something... I did it!... may have taken me a little bit, but I did it!  My sister on the other hand was not as independent as I, and made completely different choices.  Besides the fact that our parents (and as I am starting to learn) especially our father, would use us against each other in their fights, for their own benefit.  There is more to it, however this gives you an idea.  

Because of some of the choices my sister made, my mother was always by her side helping her.  I even remember my mother once saying that she really did not have to worry about me.  But all this accomplished was my staying away, more so because my sister and I never got along.

I am very black and white, matter of fact, and can not handle drama and all that goes with it.  My sister and I did not get along more so because of the division created by my parents, that and we were opposites in these respects.  As I sit back and think in the last thirty-two years, my sister and I have spoken for maybe four years and out of the last eleven years, only one.  Pretty sad.

It was so bad that the last time I introduced her to my friends, was in 2001 - I'll just say that she freaked out.  She went to my first wedding only because my father threatened me.  I didn't talk to her then and wasn't even introduced to my in-laws.  In the ten years I was married she came over a couple of times after Addison was born, and that was it.  She met Dean back in 2001 when we were dating, and that was it.  Was not invited to my wedding.  That has been the extent of our relationship.

I started talking to her a few months ago after hearing she was in bad shape.  I do notice a change, and have chosen forgive her, although I feel very apprehensive about it.  I sincerely do want to have a sister, but it is rendering to be very difficult.   

As I mentioned, she has been ill and was recently diagnosed bipolar.  She had major surgery back in November, and has had trouble with the recuperation.  Infections, trouble with her blood being too thin, and a few other issues.  Now... let me make something else clear, I feel that she could be making all of this worse because she is depending on at least twenty different prescription drugs including morphine and Oxycontin.  She carries two gallon sized baggies filled halfway with prescription bottles and she is only 45.  

Something is just not right.

I know that because I am so black and white, I can be a "little" rough around the edges... because I am so matter of fact, well I just blurt out the truth and how I feel and do not know how to sugar coat things well... when drama shows its ugly face my heart starts racing, I can't breathe and I just can't handle things right.  I know these qualities of mine... well let's just say that I have found my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion!

With that said, it has not been easy relating to someone that does not think logically... someone who reacts to things differently than you and I...  someone who freaks out at the weirdest things... someone who one minute tells you one thing, which is very believable, and then does not come through.

“Oυr greatest joy-аחԁ ουr greatest pain comes іח ουr relationships wіtһ others.” ~ Stephen R. Covey

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.   ~Buddha

Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship.   ~Margaret Mead

Blessings to all! 

277 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 87 ~ You Can Lead A Horse to Water...

I am very frustrated right now.  I know I have written about my mother, and mentioned very little of my sister.  Quite frankly, I don't know how I feel about all of this and I am not really ready to share.

I am trying to mend relationships, for my daughter's sake.  I wanted her to have a relationship with MY mother and MY sister.  What was I thinking?  What made me think she could have a relationship with either one of them when I have not been able to?

It has become quite frustrating for me, and possibly more than I can chew.  Not only that, but it hurts!  It hurts me so that both my mother and sister can not put their "issues" aside for Calley, let alone myself.  I am not saying this because I want to quit trying... the best way I can say this is that I can only do so much.  If the other party is not willing to meet me half way or even a quarter of the way... hopefully I have given you an idea of the frustration I am going through.

I know my mother is NOT "normal" by any standards (due to her many years of battling with mental disorders), and I do have love for her... however, her priorities, the way she handle things, and the fact that I always come last... well, it is starting to have a toll on me.  This is definitely NOT what I want my daughter to experience!

Every time I am told something is being done... yes, you got it... nothing gets done!

My sister... well there is so much to say!  What I will say is that I am trying to help her... and she seems to hear it... however...  ... ...   Exactly!!  NOTHING!!!

I was really hoping to have a relationship with her for once in my life... but up until now, it seems like I am the only one doing the work.

She has been ill ever since she went through surgery ten months ago, however, at the same time I don't really know if she wants to get well... Let alone lead a normal (what ever NORMAL is) life.

I'm told one thing one day... another thing another day... and yet another thing the following day. I just can't do this anymore.  This is very trying, weighs me down... and if this is how it is with life, how will it be with a business?!?!

My goal is to get out of the rut I am in within the next year, yet at this pace it will never happen!!

For as much as I would like a relationship with both my mother and sister, I am afraid that it is not going to happen... and with that said, I should probably cut my losses now before any more real damage is done.

Tonight, I was finally able to get a hold of my mother after five days of calling [all day long,] and I was even trying to get a hold of my sister.. but seems she will not answer my calls.  

I told my mother that I had been worried, I had been calling and even told my aunt to forward the message (which she did)... all I got was excuses.  She told me that she had to take my sister to the emergency yesterday... well that was yesterday... what about the other four days or even today?

What all of this tells me is that I can not count on either one of them to help me with life in general or even with my daughter.

For a short time I thought that just maybe I could have a relationship with my sister and mother, and I even made the mistake of allowing Calley to get close to them... YES, I call it a mistake because Calley has been making comments about them not following through and that.. "my abuelita (grandmother in Spanish), and auntie Claudia do not love me. They say they are sending me something and don't and auntie Claudia does not come see me like she said she was going to lots of times.." ... Talk about sticking a knife in my heart!!  

Now that Calley has made, and is making comments like that, it only tells me that this is affecting her too.  She is used to people doing what they say they are going to do.  This is truly heart wrenching!  It is what I tried to avoid!  It can not go on any longer and must stop, for Calley's sake.

I thought that it may be different this time around... however...you can't teach an old dog new tricks!

So now I am left with a difficult path ahead of me... I guess one way of looking at this is...  I should be used to being alone by now;  my mother has never been around when I needed her (this is a fine example), and my sister and I have never had a relationship, let alone a healthy one.  It's been like this all of my forty-eight years, why should it be any different now?  

Alone I will continue to be.  I have to "buck up" and get to work!  

Soo... if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!!

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.  ~  Unknown Author

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, it might have been.     ~  John Greenleaf Whittie

If we never felt sorrow, we'd never recognize bliss.  At this rate I should be in a fiull state of bliss for the rest of my days.  ~  Dennis Quaid

Words and hearts should be handled with care... for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair.    ~  Unknown Author

Blessings to all! 

278 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 78 ~ The Truth Always Prevails

Wm. Shakespearecourtesy of Bing images

Shakespeare wrote in The Merchant of Venice "The truth will come to light", which was based on proverbs dating from at least the eleventh century.  "Truth will out" appears in this form by 1439. **

As centuries go by, nine to be exact, the quote has transformed itself to, "The truth always comes out in the end."

Even all those centuries ago, where to most of us consider it simply history and others find it to be surreal or almost dream like to have lived such a long time ago... regardless, Shakespeare was very wise on was on to something. 

Personally, I find it very deep and right on the money.  Doesn't matter how much time goes by, eventually, the truth always comes out.  More so after the deceiver has left us for greener pastures (at least they hope they went to greener pastures anyways.)

cbk

So, if you think that you have gotten away with untruths, think again... it WILL eventually come out, and then what?!

Whether your scared, afraid or just a habitual liar, please know that you ARE hurting others with your stories... however in the end, the person you are truly hurting is yourself!  

I'm sure there are situations, that out of true safety for yourself or your family you may tell a "white" lie... this is different.  I am talking about ridiculous untruths that are meant to hurt others.   

courtesy of Bing images

I have always told my sons, and now I am teaching my daughter the same...  "a lie can hurt forever... telling the truth only for the moment"... as I continue to explain it now to Calley... "when you lie, people will eventually not believe anything you say... when you are honest, you are trusted and hardly questioned."  I also would tell my boys... "a man could have all the money in the world, but without his word, he is the poorest man.  And a man without money, however with integrity and honesty behind him, can be the richest in the world."

So, when you have asked me a question or my opinion and you did not like my answer, at least you know that I was being truthful.  And please don't ask me if your butt looks big!

the worst thing about being lied to is knowing you're not worth the truth   ~ author unknown

Never forget what people say to you when they're angry--that's when the truth comes out.  ~ author unknown

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.   - Benjamin Disraeli

I'd rather be hated for who I am, rather than loved for who I am not.  - Kurt Cobain 

Blessings to all!!

287 days to go

**  http://www.enotes.com/shakespeare-quotes/appendix-faux-truth-come-light-out

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 65 ~ "Life" ... It Is What It Is... Therefore, I Am Who I Am

courtesy of Bing images

Talk about a "milestone"...  65 days! ... with 300 to go!  

I feel awesome!!  What a great accomplishment... sure I have had good days and some bad ones... however... the GOOD out weigh the bad!

I feel as each day that I write, I am cleansing my soul... who would have ever "thunk" that by my writing and getting life's twists and turns off of my chest would make me feel so good.

More importantly, getting "myself" on a paper is serving several purposes in my "eyes"...

1. Cleansing/healing of my mind, body and soul
2. Leaving something for my children for them to understand why "I tick" the way I do
3. Helping someone else through my experiences

Furthermore, I also realize that "my healing" may not be for some people...  and Frankly, I don't care.  I have already had some bozo leave me a couple of rude comments, and ticked off a member of my family...

Really? ... I DO NOT CARE !

Let me rephrase that a little... I am not trying to bash anyone, this is not what I am setting out to do.  I am writing of my life's experiences and how they have affected me.  Emphasis on my life's experiences.  Therefore, it is not up for discussion! or rather argument.  I went through things and saw, felt and heard things which ultimately affected me... 

courtesy of Bing images

Therefore, let me reiterate... MY EXPERIENCES ARE NOT UP FOR ARGUMENT OR DISCUSSION.  I am expressing myself as I encountered life...

It is what it is, therefore I am who I am !

So if you by chance do not like what I write about what I went through... well think about it... how do you think I felt having to go through it all !?

As I have expressed before, I am not here to disrespect anyone... If anything, if you really give it some thought... actually... I was the one that was disrespected.

There... now all of that ... IN A BALLOON!! 

courtesy of Bing images

To reiterate to some of you, and at the risk of sounding redundant to others... By my writing, or blogging, if you will, I am healing by leaps and bounds.  The best part of it all, (figuratively speaking,) I am releasing all of this negativity that has been weighing me down.. and holding me back... and am placing it all into a "balloon", letting it go... and that's it!  It is behind me!  

I strongly feel that if there ever will be a reason to revisit it, it will only be to explain it all more to my children and/or to help someone else in their healing process.

With 300 days to go (at least, who knows?)...  I am excited to see where this all takes me.

I am willing to let go of the past and heal.

I approve of myself and feel great about myself.

I have no need to do what others think I should. I am strengthened by doing the things I love to do.

  

Blessings to all!!

300 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.