Day 129 ~ And The Forgiveness Continues...

Buried machinery in a barn lot;
Dallas, South Dakota, May 1936
photo borrowed  from wikipedia

It wasn't until my day was over today and the dust cleared, that finally my thoughts were on something else other than a "garage sale"...  when the time finally came for me to sit down and write tonight's post, I realized that after months upon months of procrastinating, that I finally decided to  forgive myself yesterday.

When I sat back and thought about it, and what all this meant, that is... I realized that most of my forgiving, in one way or another, had something to do with my sons.  I do not want to belittle, dismiss or excuse the fact that they are upset or what they must be feeling...

(As a side note...) Not to keep you in the dark... I know that I have not gotten back to "my story," (or maybe we can refer to it as "my experience") concerning the fight for my children, which I started writing about in my posts  Day 62 and Day 63.  To be very honest with you... if I really think about it, I think I have procrastinated because of the difficulty of remembering it all... re-living the experience.   It was not the best time in my life, you know. 


Quite frankly, as I take a look at the fact that I first wrote about this "experience" and now... well, go ahead and say it... "I really have procrastinated on the matter."  Give me a few days or so to get my "goat going" (wink, wink) american idiom.  Get my courage up sort of speak.


Anyways, as I was saying, and the point to this post is that even though my sons do not respond to my messages, (which only leads me to believe that they are mad at me,) will not communicate with me as to why exactly they are mad at me... well, I can not beat myself up about it anymore.  I will add that I will take responsibility for my own actions and know all the effort I have always put forth and will continue to do so.  


I have made many attempts to talk to them, communicate with them in a healthy way.  Have left them countless upon countless messages... (I am embarrassed to admit that I even got all psycho with the phone calls one night when I received disrespect from one of my sons)... and nothing.


Not even a call to their little sister on her birthday.  What fault is this of hers?


Bottom line... I can not be mad at myself or punish myself, any longer, when I have made many attempts for a healthy relationship.  Honestly, the ball is in their court.  They choose to believe lies and the negativity which has been imposed onto them by their father... as opposed to them making their own decisions and opinions for themselves.  

What I am trying to say is that... both of my sons need to hear what I have to say, especially since they have been listening to one sided views for all these years and basing their judgment upon me on the lies that have been drilled into their minds for so many years.


Although all of this pains me so... not having my sons in my life, let alone their sister's life; missing all of this time with them and the  memories that go with life; and especially the way they are handling all of this... I forgive them.  I do... and will do so seventy times seven times.


After all, I must keep in mind that this it is not entirely their fault.  It is not their fault that their father thinks so little of himself that he had to bully the mother of his children, as well as alienate their relationship with her.  I do not know why he chose to be so hateful and hurtful.  Maybe it was the beating that he received when he was jumped by all those boys back in junior high or the lack of a father around.  I don't know... however, I almost feel sorry for him.  To think of the lack of self-love and respect he must have for himself, that he thinks so low of himself that he would have to go to such measures to make himself feel good, or like a "big man."


With all that said... I have decided to forgive him as well.  Not only that, but I will also continue to ask God to help me forgive him so that I may live peacefully.


I do want to add that just because I have decided to forgive the father of my sons, that this does not mean that I will not finish sharing my experience with him...  after all, I must share with you in order to be able to help you.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.    ~ Mahatma Gandhi

You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.  ~ Author Unknown

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.  ~ Matthew 6:14-15 

Blessings to all!!

236 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 109 ~ Stepping Back In Time

I love the fact that by simply putting in a DVD into the player, or even watching an era based series on t.v., one can go back in time and relive an era from long ago.  I especially enjoy the "history"  it all ~  the end of the 1950s through the first half of the 1960s was an amazing time not only for the United States, but to Americans themselves.


From the time Elvis and the Beatles first showed their faces on the Ed Sullivan Show, to the assassination of who some may consider one our nation's greatest presidents, John F. Kennedy,  This was an innocent era which not only ended on a sad note, who's soldiers were for the most part "stoned" for their participation in the war in Viet Nam...


Just as they say life changes us, well The United States has never been the same since.


There are so many things I like about that era, however I am happy to say that I was merely three years old by the time all of this was going on... but not to say that it would have been cool to have experienced some of the era as an adult... instead through the eyes of a just.  Just to have been able to seen the Rat Pack... wow!!  the history behind this era is amazing!!    

“Some people tap their feet, some people snap their fingers, and some people sway back and forth. I just sorta do ‘em all together, I guess.”
-Elvis in 1956, talking about his way of moving on stage.

“Life goes on within you and without you”   ~  The Beatles 1960 

  

“If you do a good job for others, you heal yourself at the same time, because a dose of joy is a spiritual cure. It transcends all barriers.” ~ Ed Sullivan 

The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis.' One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger - but recognize the opportunity.  ~ John F Kennedy Speech in Indianapolis, April 12, 1959

“I seriously doubt if we will ever have another war. This is probably the very last one.”  ~ Richard Nixon and the Vietnam War

So, the world is drunk and we're just the cocktail of the moment pally. One of these days everybody's gonna wake up with a heck of a hangover, down two aspirin and a glass of tomato juice and wonder what the hell all the fuss was about.    ~ Dean Martin 

Blessings to all!!


256 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.