Day 468 ~ Letting Go...

Today has been an unsettling day for me.  Going back to what happened on Sunday... (you can catch up on the drama here) ... well let's just say that not much else has been on my mind.  It's like a bad movie playing over and over again, without an end in sight.

Well I did come to one conclusion today...

After giving this (so) much thought... I figured out that much of my hurt stems from being bullied and humiliated for most of my life (especially as an adult,) by my own father and my (younger) sister, in my own home.  That, and witnessing lie after lie coming from both of their mouths.  It's like they weren't happy with their lives that they felt a need to fabricate most, if not all of their accomplishments.

So... fast forward to today... I do not do well when others lie.  I find a need to call them out on it.  Not to mention the bullying... well let's say that I am sensitive to that.

Therefore... you can definitely say that I do not do well with other people's $#!+.  I do not do well when people are not forthright.  I do not do well with people who are not honest.  I definitely do not do well when people are mean, ugly and gold-diggers! (both male and female alike!)  {and} Needless to say, I DO NOT LIKE BULLIES and WILL PROTECT my love ones and myself from them.  

I would just rather stay away from it all (period).

SO that's where I'm at.  My feelings hurt.  My defense up.  (and) A little sad.

What I am suppose to be doing is praying.  At least that is what my passionate anger class states.  Pray, leave it to God and if needed talk to the people who hurt you in a loving manner.  Therefore... tonight... I am praying and leaving it to God.  Tomorrow... talking.  Maybe.

Lord, you know what has happened.  You know how hurt I am, how angry I feel.  But I really believe that the best thing for me to do in this situation is to accept the wrong and turn the person over to you.

You know not only his or her actions, but his or her motives.  I know that You are a righteous God and so I trust You to do what is right by that person.  I also release my anger to You.  This anger stimulated me to think through the situation and I am taking the steps I believe to be best.  Therefore, the matter is over.

My anger has served its purpose and I release it to You.  Help me not to be controlled by any residual thoughts and feelings that may come to me over the next few days.  I want to use my life constructively and not be hindered by this event.  Thank you that I am your child and that You will take care of me.

Amen. 

I hope this works.  Don't want to be angry anymore and waste my precious time thinking about this.

 

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

I am second..

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright Laws apply.

Day 386 ~ I Am Second Challenge Day 9 of 22

This is Day 9 of my challenge... {and} my ninth video...

... Richard Ellis, 'remembers "hurting so badly I just wanted to die."  Honestly, he didn't want to leave this place... he simply needed things to make sense.'

Richard Ellis: I am Second

I watched Richard's video at the start of my day, like all the other videos I've been watching so that I may apply what I learn and act upon my task for the day.


Today's task or assignment was, to send the link to the video to someone I know.  Claude was God's answer to Richard's prayer of "send someone to help me."  Who is someone you can encourage today?


As my day progressed, well it got crappier and crappier.  Where now I am in tears over everything that transpired.  


A year ago my first reaction to my day would have been to just cut out anyone that hurt me out of my life.  Which my husband was so kind (sarcasm) to point out to me this evening... this was my method of protecting myself.


Well... I feel very guarded and lost at this point.  You could even say that I completely understand what Richard said about it hurting so badly and wanting to die.. this feeling has overcome me all too often.


However today I turn to God and feel that I am the one to be encouraged.  


I don't know what to do.  Although some people may find it easy to be confrontational.  If I do say something... I am too emotional and often comes out with too much anger and hurt.


I am a very sensitive person and have been silenced by my father so much growing up that it is very difficult for me to say what is on my mind without it coming out nasty and mean.  I hate him for that.


I have been on this quest to better myself... be a better person... put my past behind me... and live a happy life for my family.  Although today that all seems bullshit!  


I am full of anger and hurt for a multitude of reasons.  Not just one.  Today was a day of many trials... not just one!  Just want to make that perfectly clear.  In other words, it was one thing after another until day's end.


I know that tomorrow is another day and I will be able to see this from a different perspective, but it will not change the fact that I felt that everything was coming at me from all angles today.  Murphy's Law, anything that could go wrong, did go wrong.


I do want God to send me my someone to help me make sense of this all.  I want my "Claude" as Richard got his.  I have asked God for help so many times throughout my life... I just pray and hope that one day soon he will answer my prayers. 


Because, He is First... I am Second.

We are Second when we put Jesus First. Seconds are bold to lift up Jesus and tell others. Are you ready to become a stronger Second?

I challenge YOU to take the I Am Second [22] Day Challenge... Can you spare maybe fifteen minutes in a day?

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.  ~Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV)

I AM SECOND.

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright laws apply.   

Day 308 ~ "J" is for Justice

"J" is for Justice.  Yes, Justice.  I also thought that joke or joking would be a good light subject (a funny one at that) to write about too.  

Funny thing I must share with you... somehow Legally Blonde found its way on my tv (because I always have to have some background noise on- all my life too, even while doing homework) ... love this movie!  Watching Elle get her justice and the the news of Charles Manson's parole being denied... well let's just say that it made up my mind.

Justice by definition, according to Miriam Webster's dictionary anyway, 1. the maintenance or administration of what is just especially by the impartial adjustment of conflicting claims or the assignment of merited rewards or punishments.. 2. the quality of being just, impartial, or fair and 3.  conformity to truth, fact, or reason.

Doesn't that just make you all warm and fuzzy inside?  (sarcasm, if I ever heard it!)  Doesn't that just sound so perfect?  So sad to know first hand... it isn't always the case.  Whether it's our judicial system's fault or of its players, either way we do not always get to see justice happen.  

The key here is not to let the injustices in life consume or define us.  We need to have faith.(oooo this would have been a great "F" word!)  We need to give it to God and let him handle it for us.  We need to continue to lead a happy life, and give the rest to God.  

My prayer for justice is for the family of Trayvon Martin to get theirs; the continued "so called justice" for the families of Sharon Tate, the LaBiancas, Jay Sebring, Wojciech Frykowski, Abigail Folger and for the rest of the families that Charles Manson stole lives from... 

I know that there are so many more injustices in this world...  not to diminish their importance, but blog posts in general shouldn't be lengthy (you loose your'reader's interest).  

To honor those who have had an injustice done to them, or a loved one, My prayer for justice goes out to you too.     There are many of us that have seen our injustices happen... even so... we need to have faith in ourselves and above all in God.

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.   

~ Helen Keller

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.  

 ~ Albert Einstein 

Blogging A to Z Challenge April 2012... What will "K" have for us tomorrow?

Blessings to all!!

57 days to go...

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 163 ~ A Thankful Heart

Yesterday I woke up in a great mood enjoying everything the morning had to offer.  Then in a matter of one phone call everything went south!  

In a matter of minutes I went from happy to angry and cynical.  Most of my day was spent upset and angry at all the obstacles in my life, and the shortcomings that I have been faced with.  

My car situation, my sons, Calley, bills, money, the future, work and lack of, my mother, my sister...  AAAHHH!!

Now, all the while I am fighting these aggressive thoughts... WHY ME? etc... (I'm sure everyone of you has experienced something similar at some point in your lives)...  I am having an argument with my sister (rightfully so,) getting phone calls from Dino (my husband,) [where I basically told him that it would be better for him to leave me alone so I don't bite his head off,] and my mother in law is calling me ... reminding me of the strength that I possess.  

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning I had already decided that I was not going to allow life to get to me as it did yesterday.  Before my feet hit the floor I had prayed over and over for  God please see me through this, God please see me through this ... Please let some good come out of all of this, .Please let some good come out of all of this ...  over and over again.

Before my morning went on, I decided to take a few moments to shake off any bad feelings that may have stuck around from yesterday's "negative" ordeal.  I reminded myself of what I needed to be thankful for, the priorities of my life, as well as all the loving people in my life.

2002 Ford Explorer on loan from
Preowned Motorcars of Dallas

Then, what at first I was afraid to accept, was in all actuality a pretty great thing that was being offered to me...  a wonderful family friend, member of my Dream Team and my "li'l sister," Nicole, (her mother Yvonne and father Masoud included), has given me the use of her extra car!  A great running, dependable vehicle!  

Even though this is Nicole's car, it was a gift made possible by her father.  Therefore, my thankfulness goes out to her parents as well.  Through the years that my family and I have known Nicole and her family, I have gotten to know a family who is caring, loving, respectful, full of good principles and values, true believers of their faith in God, a true blessing in our lives.  

So here's my plug...  (one way I am able to show my gratitude ;)  )


Furthermore, if anyone in the Dallas area needs a great, dependable car... go see Masoud at Preowned Motorcars of Dallas.  I will never make the mistake of not purchasing my next family cars from him!  I am forever grateful to you and your family!

I can not find the words to express my gratitude, other than to simply say thank you!         

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues.    ~ Cicero

I am thankful because I am surrounded by such wonderful, positive, supportive, and loving people on a daily basis. 

Blessings to all!!

202 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 139 ~ The Power of Prayer!

The last two days have seemed to drag on with the anticipation of Shelly's surgery.  Having this weigh heavy on my heart made it easy for me to fast for Shelly.  That was the least I could do in her honor.  It was tough to do, especially when my stomach started to ache.. which then  I had to eat a little... however all in all, with prayer at my side, the thought crossed my mind that I wish I could have done more.

As my day was in full swing, I received a text at about 2:30 this afternoon. Which at first I found myself reading three times before I realized what I was reading! 

I could not believe it.  I had received word from Shelly's husband himself... "Shelly was out of surgery and all went well..."  He even shared that he was going to be able to see her within the hour.

PRAISE GOD!!!

By the time I was finished reading his text for the ump-teenth time, I was sobbing.  Tears of JoY!  

I can not begin to tell you how happy I am for Shelly and her family.  I pray for a smooth and quick recovery.  She will be away from home for about two weeks.

I realized last night that I really had not told you too much about Shelly.  Her sister, Marlene's little girl and Calley were in the same class at the  little Christian school I used to teach at.  Marlene and Shelly both have had their children enrolled at the same school for years.  These ladies are the definition of what sisters should be!  They are good people, with good hearts... raising good people...  

Shelly is a terrific person, with a great personality. (Marlene too.)  She has a beautiful family.  Two beautiful daughters, one in 7th grade and the other in 4th, who are both their mother's daughters.  Shelly is an amazing mother, who without a second thought drives hours upon hours for a volleyball tournament [in one weekend.]  A wonderful role model.  Devoted not only to her family, but to her God as well.  A woman of faith and devotion.  Putting her God first.

I am very happy to pray for this family and to call them my friends.

So we fasted and petitioned our God about this, and he answered our prayer.  ~ Ezra 8:23

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.    ~ Matthew 7:7-8

 Blessings to all!!


226 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 129 ~ And The Forgiveness Continues...

Buried machinery in a barn lot;
Dallas, South Dakota, May 1936
photo borrowed  from wikipedia

It wasn't until my day was over today and the dust cleared, that finally my thoughts were on something else other than a "garage sale"...  when the time finally came for me to sit down and write tonight's post, I realized that after months upon months of procrastinating, that I finally decided to  forgive myself yesterday.

When I sat back and thought about it, and what all this meant, that is... I realized that most of my forgiving, in one way or another, had something to do with my sons.  I do not want to belittle, dismiss or excuse the fact that they are upset or what they must be feeling...

(As a side note...) Not to keep you in the dark... I know that I have not gotten back to "my story," (or maybe we can refer to it as "my experience") concerning the fight for my children, which I started writing about in my posts  Day 62 and Day 63.  To be very honest with you... if I really think about it, I think I have procrastinated because of the difficulty of remembering it all... re-living the experience.   It was not the best time in my life, you know. 


Quite frankly, as I take a look at the fact that I first wrote about this "experience" and now... well, go ahead and say it... "I really have procrastinated on the matter."  Give me a few days or so to get my "goat going" (wink, wink) american idiom.  Get my courage up sort of speak.


Anyways, as I was saying, and the point to this post is that even though my sons do not respond to my messages, (which only leads me to believe that they are mad at me,) will not communicate with me as to why exactly they are mad at me... well, I can not beat myself up about it anymore.  I will add that I will take responsibility for my own actions and know all the effort I have always put forth and will continue to do so.  


I have made many attempts to talk to them, communicate with them in a healthy way.  Have left them countless upon countless messages... (I am embarrassed to admit that I even got all psycho with the phone calls one night when I received disrespect from one of my sons)... and nothing.


Not even a call to their little sister on her birthday.  What fault is this of hers?


Bottom line... I can not be mad at myself or punish myself, any longer, when I have made many attempts for a healthy relationship.  Honestly, the ball is in their court.  They choose to believe lies and the negativity which has been imposed onto them by their father... as opposed to them making their own decisions and opinions for themselves.  

What I am trying to say is that... both of my sons need to hear what I have to say, especially since they have been listening to one sided views for all these years and basing their judgment upon me on the lies that have been drilled into their minds for so many years.


Although all of this pains me so... not having my sons in my life, let alone their sister's life; missing all of this time with them and the  memories that go with life; and especially the way they are handling all of this... I forgive them.  I do... and will do so seventy times seven times.


After all, I must keep in mind that this it is not entirely their fault.  It is not their fault that their father thinks so little of himself that he had to bully the mother of his children, as well as alienate their relationship with her.  I do not know why he chose to be so hateful and hurtful.  Maybe it was the beating that he received when he was jumped by all those boys back in junior high or the lack of a father around.  I don't know... however, I almost feel sorry for him.  To think of the lack of self-love and respect he must have for himself, that he thinks so low of himself that he would have to go to such measures to make himself feel good, or like a "big man."


With all that said... I have decided to forgive him as well.  Not only that, but I will also continue to ask God to help me forgive him so that I may live peacefully.


I do want to add that just because I have decided to forgive the father of my sons, that this does not mean that I will not finish sharing my experience with him...  after all, I must share with you in order to be able to help you.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.    ~ Mahatma Gandhi

You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.  ~ Author Unknown

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.  ~ Matthew 6:14-15 

Blessings to all!!

236 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 128 ~ I Did It!!

Okay... 5,000 views/hits!!!  Might not sound like much to some... to me... well ... my cup runneth over!  And if by my spilling my guts and letting you into my world has helped you in any way... I've said it before... helping you has made every night in my life that I have cried in fetal position, worth it all!  


I can't tell you enough how awesome blogging has been for me... I highly recommend it.  (big smile!)  Even when there's a night that I just do not feel up to it, and I do it anyway... in the end... I am so happy I did

So... here is another bomb to drop on you... are you ready? ...  I have decided to forgive myself.  Yes..There, I said it... I FORGIVE MYSELF!


Did you here me, everyone? I said ... 

I FORGIVE MYSELF!

Oh my?! ... that was so liberating!! Really, it was!  I was hesitant to say it at first, but once I said it, it felt so good, I had to say it over again.


For every stupid decision... for every loss moment... for every dumb thing I ever did... for not being stronger and braver... for not being there even more for my sons... I forgive myself.

I started thinking... (okay no funny remarks here...lol!)  I have done all I can do... and what I have done, I have done it well.  I have done nothing but be a great mom my boys... I have done nothing wrong in that sense.  I have done nothing but love my boys.  I have especially put an effort forward on keeping and open and honest line of communication.

I have said it once, and I will say it again... I leave all my troubles to my God, all my worries... I have faith in Him.  And as I have already asked Him for forgiveness... It is now my turn to grant it upon myself.


I forgive myself.


How's that for a new milestone?!

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”

Paul Boese

“You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”

Lewis B. Smedes

Dear Heavenly Father, I understand that there is nothing to gain by holding myself in unforgiveness and there is everything to gain by releasing myself from unforgiveness and beginning the process of healing. I want to move forward and make a positive difference in the future. I confess the ungodly accountability, self-abasement, and the vows I have made to never forgive myself. Because Jesus died for my sins, I choose to forgive myself--to no longer punish myself and be angry with myself. I forgive myself for letting this hurt control me and for hurting others out of my hurt. I repent of this behavior and my attitude. I ask for Your forgiveness and healing. God, help me to NEVER again retain unforgiveness of myself or others. Thank you for loving me and for Your grace to move forward with You. In Jesus' Name, Amen                         

Prayer quoted from an article about "Forgiving Yourself = An Important Choice"   

Blessings to all!!

237 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 119 ~ Loving All 'MY' Children!

Addison & I ~ Aug '87

While doing my daily perusing on Facebook, once again inspiration came to me with one of my friend's writings.  It has turned the light on a new perspective of my life... a new understanding if you will...

Mom-  Will go to the end of the world.  Guides.  Sacrifices because she loves.  Prayerful.  Snuggles just because.  Protects.  Makes her babies feel special.  Encourages,  Loves unconditionally.  Listens.  If you had this mom, consider yourself blessed.  If you didn't have this mom, be that mom to your children.

I have been thinking about this off and on today.  What hit home with me the most was...

  ...If you didn't have this mom, be that mom to your children.

Logan & I ~ Feb '92

This is all I have ever wanted for my children.  

I have done it with my boys until the rug was pulled right from under me.  I will continue to keep them in my prayers and in my thoughts until they let me back in... and I will do so and never give up on them.

Meanwhile back at the ranch... (and no I do not have a ranch for those of you not familiar with American idioms...lol)... I do have have this little beautiful little girl.  Full of love and life.  Curious and courageous.  A girly-girl one moment and then the next picking up a beetle.  So caring and nurturing.  Whom recently discovered telling jokes!

Calley (running to my side laughing hysterically):  Mommy, Mommy... I have a joke... it is so funny!  What do you call a bear with no shoes? 

Me:  What honey?  What do they call a bear without shoes? 

Calley (yells it out really loud):  BEAR FOOT!! ... get it mommy?  bear foot!!  It's so hysterical mommy!!!

I could not believe how hard she was laughing...  it was so funny watching her react to it all ... next thing I knew I was laughing so hard that tears were coming out of my eyes and my side started hurting!!  Never mind that she sounded so grown up and gestured same.

What did we do next? ... we snuggled for no particular reason!!

Calley & I ~ Sept '07

Calley:  Mommy? 

Me:  yes?   

Calley:  I love you so much!

The most beautiful words a mother would ever want to hear!!  It almost makes you forget that she had just gotten into her vitamins, eating them as if they were candies!  Before you ask... her vitamins are kept in the pantry, which has a lock on it (up high)... my lovely daughter gets a chair and opens it herself!

A mother's love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever.    ~  Unknown

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.    ~ Elizabeth Stone 

Son, you outgrew my lap, but never my heart.  ~Author Unknown 

  

Blessings to all!!

246 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.