Day 386 ~ I Am Second Challenge Day 9 of 22

This is Day 9 of my challenge... {and} my ninth video...

... Richard Ellis, 'remembers "hurting so badly I just wanted to die."  Honestly, he didn't want to leave this place... he simply needed things to make sense.'

Richard Ellis: I am Second

I watched Richard's video at the start of my day, like all the other videos I've been watching so that I may apply what I learn and act upon my task for the day.


Today's task or assignment was, to send the link to the video to someone I know.  Claude was God's answer to Richard's prayer of "send someone to help me."  Who is someone you can encourage today?


As my day progressed, well it got crappier and crappier.  Where now I am in tears over everything that transpired.  


A year ago my first reaction to my day would have been to just cut out anyone that hurt me out of my life.  Which my husband was so kind (sarcasm) to point out to me this evening... this was my method of protecting myself.


Well... I feel very guarded and lost at this point.  You could even say that I completely understand what Richard said about it hurting so badly and wanting to die.. this feeling has overcome me all too often.


However today I turn to God and feel that I am the one to be encouraged.  


I don't know what to do.  Although some people may find it easy to be confrontational.  If I do say something... I am too emotional and often comes out with too much anger and hurt.


I am a very sensitive person and have been silenced by my father so much growing up that it is very difficult for me to say what is on my mind without it coming out nasty and mean.  I hate him for that.


I have been on this quest to better myself... be a better person... put my past behind me... and live a happy life for my family.  Although today that all seems bullshit!  


I am full of anger and hurt for a multitude of reasons.  Not just one.  Today was a day of many trials... not just one!  Just want to make that perfectly clear.  In other words, it was one thing after another until day's end.


I know that tomorrow is another day and I will be able to see this from a different perspective, but it will not change the fact that I felt that everything was coming at me from all angles today.  Murphy's Law, anything that could go wrong, did go wrong.


I do want God to send me my someone to help me make sense of this all.  I want my "Claude" as Richard got his.  I have asked God for help so many times throughout my life... I just pray and hope that one day soon he will answer my prayers. 


Because, He is First... I am Second.

We are Second when we put Jesus First. Seconds are bold to lift up Jesus and tell others. Are you ready to become a stronger Second?

I challenge YOU to take the I Am Second [22] Day Challenge... Can you spare maybe fifteen minutes in a day?

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.  ~Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV)

I AM SECOND.

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright laws apply.   

Day 352 ~ "God" "Heal"

What I Learned About Me... from A to Z

What have I learned about myself this past year {blogging}..?  hmmmm... First off... I would like to make sure you know up front... I never had blogged before until I started this blog 349 days ago.  Secondly... I never intended on learning anything.  HAHA! LOL!  No but seriously... It wasn't my intention...   Check out what my intention(s) were/are here.

So here goes... What I Learned About Me... from A to Z

"G" is for...  God.   

This last year has been one lasting experience for me.  Through blogging I have learned so much... about myself... and about life.  

With that said... I have also learned that I need to lean on my Lord a bit more.  With the {continued} growth of my faith in God, I have realized that God has in deed seen me through some tough times.

I also have realized that if I would have leaned on Him a bit more {than what I did} that things may have not been as tough.

How do I know this?  Because in the last year I have learned to let go {quite} a bit and let Him take over... and ... He has.

He has because I feel that much closer to Him.-

"H" is for...  Heal{ing}.  

I don't know what I thought I would get out of this year of blogging... actually I never once looked for self gratification.  

Remember this is meant for my children, to let them into "my world"... to know who I am and what is in my heart.  Secondly, for family and friends... and most importantly, in hopes that I could somehow help another woman than may find herself in similar situations as I did.

Therefore the fact that I post before you that I so feel that I have let go of a lot of issues... I have forgiven... I have stood up stronger... and have come out of this lighter.

I feel like a tremendous amount of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders... seriously.  

Now... I still have a tough day here and there... but instead of completely feeling a sense of defeat... I now feel like I stumbled and I need to get up and brush my knees off.

I know it sounds simple... and I am not pretending that it to be so... Quite frankly it is a lot of work.  But well worth it.

Plus I have a five year old li'l girl who depends on me to provide her with my best.  {and} I am here to do my best to provide her with the proper tools to help her survive this crazy world. 

30 The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, 31 and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." 32 In spite of this, you did not trust in the LORD your God, 33 who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go.

~Deuteronomy 1:30-33 

Tomorrow...  What I Learned About Me... from A to Z ... the letter(s) "I".

(here's to you finding your...)

 Peace,  

13 days to go...  {really?!}  

read about this count down in my "About my Blog" page

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 319 ~ Taking Back My Life, Making It My Own!

I feel so blessed to have some healthy and long-life genes, I'm sure it will come in handy as I get older.  You see I have the honor to have had two great-great aunts who both lived to be well over 100 years old, and their niece, my maternal grandmother is two years shy of her own centennial... and each one of them healthy! .. to the very end.  No senility what-so-ever.  I should be that blessed.  

To be very honest with you, I doubt very seriously that I will live that long myself.  Lol!!  Honestly... I just partied too hard in my youth and did not treat my body as a temple as my predecendants did.  They barely had one or two glasses of wine a year (yes, YEAR) and took care of their ailments via the natural way, no chemical, prescriptions and such.  Holistic all the way.  That's how it was done.

On a positive note... they do say that 40 is the new 20, 50 the new 30, and so on... there is still hope.  lol.  So... I will make healthy, educated decisions for my family and me, and live my life to its fullest.

I have to share with you that in the last two weeks I have been conquering so many issues.  I really have been diving into my healing process (in regards to the loss I have suffered in my life and "life" in general) and can't really decide what "it" is I am going through.  

All I know is that I do not want Calley (my little girl) to grow up with a sad mommy or a grouchy one at that, and one who no less is starting a new phase in her life (Perimenopause).  Oy my poor little girl, lol.

Some may say that I am going through some kind of a mid-life crisis... however I disagree with that terminology being that I do not know how long I will live, and I may have very well passed that "mid" point or have yet to reach it. Big smile. 

What I do know is that I definitely suffered many years of a post traumatic depression, including blocking out negative memories which to day I have no recollection of.  

Lets review... (lol)  ... 

You know what... I was just about to do a brief recap of all the bull shit (sorry for the language, but I have to call it what it is) I have gone through, but have decided not to.  Enough is enough! 

I will however tell you that... I have been listening to a lot of Oprah's Lifeclass (yet another plug for Oprah, including the likes of Tony Robbins, Bishop TD Jakes, Ram Dass and Oprah herself (to mention a few) and what I have learned from them in my "aha" moments is...

I accept all the bull shit I have seen and been through to be in my past...  

I accept the fact that my past is my past and I can not do anything about it...   

I have no hope for my past to be different, it is what it is... 

I have learned from it...  

I have grown from it...  

I will no longer be defined by the sad, trial and tribulations, the stories of my life...

~ Carla Barilá Karam

A rebirth of sorts.  A cleansing.  A post traumatic rejuvenation.  A greet and meet really, a getting to know myself  Taking Back My Life and Making It My Own, and it's all been documented in this blog in one way or another.

Funny... I was just thinking, how long does it take a person to go through something like this?  Do I put a time limit on healing?  or... As they say, do I take it 'one day at a time"?  Am I completely healed?  NO WAY!  Maybe I just answered my own question? 

Another "aha moment" I have had is that by blogging of my goals in itself has been a motivating tool for me.  It is like I have to not only complete my goal, my challenge for myself, but for my blog and its readers and followers as well.

With that said, I have a new goal/ challenge to announce but will do so soon.  

You know what?  I heard Tony Robbins say that we should not say "should" or "will"... you are to say that you "are" and "am"... and WITH THAT SAID... I will announce my new challenge, my new goal in next Sunday's post.

Blogging A to Z Challenge April 2012... What will "T" have for us tomorrow?

46 days to go...  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012