Day 94 ~ I Can Move On & Prevail!

There have been days in my life that I have felt so alone... having a family does not necessarily mean "you have a family."

I sit back and look at myself, and how I have ... "coped" ... "endured" ... "managed" ... "bumbled" ... "mourned" ... "celebrated" ... "fought" ... "made peace" ... "struggled" ... "surrendered" ... "cried" ... "laughed" ... "battled" ... "agreed' ... "defended" ... "attacked" ... "engaged" ... "dismissed" ... "scrambled" ... "organized" ... "learned" ... and "experienced" ... and I have had to do it all, right or wrong, learning along the way, all by myself!  


[No father; no mother; sister or brother; grandmother or aunt; uncle or grandfather; let alone cousins to help or be there for me, a shoulder to cry on, or maybe a hug? A little loyalty or camaraderie?]


It's no wonder I am a little rough around the edges.  ;)

As I look back on all the chapters of my life, trials and tribulations, mistakes, accomplishments and achievements...


I've done okay!  I have a few more things I want to do... and will continue to do ~like my blogging...


As long as I keep moving in the right direction, forward, that is... keeping my goals in sight... working towards them a little each day... I will prevail... I will prevail!  I WILL PREVAIL!!!

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.  ~ Winston Churchill

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many -- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.   ~ Charles Dickens

Act as if it were impossible to fail.  ~ Dorothy Broude

Don't run from lessons; they are little packages of treasure that have been given to us.  As we learn from them, our lives change for the better.  I now rejoice whenever I see another portion of the dark side of myself.  I know that it means that I am ready to let go of something that has been hindering my life.  I say, "Thank you for showing me this, so I can heal it and move on."  ~ Louise L. Hay 

Blessings to all!


271 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 93 ~ Perseverance...

So ... something my father-in-law, Ferris, said the other day in passing that has been popping in and out of my thoughts for the past few days... "you have to stick at something, give it a chance in order for it to work..." ... something to that effect...

Well... I just don't know... there are instances, that I'm sure you may find familiar, that have happened to me, such as... looking hindsight and realizing that you should have quit way back before things went a mock OR quitting something at the sign of trouble and then seeing if you would have stuck it out things could have been better.

So ... which way is it?  Do you quit while you're ahead... OR ... do you stick it out in hopes of a better tomorrow?  Is one way more optimistic than the other? ... OR ... are we looking at the glass half full here.

I think that either way, as long as you keep trying, moving forward... and you do not stop believing, you are ahead of the game.

I have had quite a few let downs in my life, but definitely not for lack of trying.  I may have slowed down a bit at times... maybe even gotten sidetracked... but my final goals have remained the same and all I've had to do is remind myself what it is I want out of life!  

Then before I know it... I'm back on track!

Perseverance is a great element of success.  If you knock enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.  ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.  ~Confucius

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.    ~ author unknown (1840)

Blessings to all!




272 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 88 ~ ... But You Can't Make Him/Her Drink!

After re-reading last night's post, I'd like to elaborate on a couple of things I said.  As I read it, I felt that I left out some information... which by doing so made it sound as if I was being  a heartless, spoiled brat.  I know that part of it is that I really do not, or rather, am not ready to share 100% on this matter~ and because of this I was being very evasive, not to mention I was upset.

Since I was about fifteen, I have been out on my own and have always taken care of myself.  When I set to do something... I did it!... may have taken me a little bit, but I did it!  My sister on the other hand was not as independent as I, and made completely different choices.  Besides the fact that our parents (and as I am starting to learn) especially our father, would use us against each other in their fights, for their own benefit.  There is more to it, however this gives you an idea.  

Because of some of the choices my sister made, my mother was always by her side helping her.  I even remember my mother once saying that she really did not have to worry about me.  But all this accomplished was my staying away, more so because my sister and I never got along.

I am very black and white, matter of fact, and can not handle drama and all that goes with it.  My sister and I did not get along more so because of the division created by my parents, that and we were opposites in these respects.  As I sit back and think in the last thirty-two years, my sister and I have spoken for maybe four years and out of the last eleven years, only one.  Pretty sad.

It was so bad that the last time I introduced her to my friends, was in 2001 - I'll just say that she freaked out.  She went to my first wedding only because my father threatened me.  I didn't talk to her then and wasn't even introduced to my in-laws.  In the ten years I was married she came over a couple of times after Addison was born, and that was it.  She met Dean back in 2001 when we were dating, and that was it.  Was not invited to my wedding.  That has been the extent of our relationship.

I started talking to her a few months ago after hearing she was in bad shape.  I do notice a change, and have chosen forgive her, although I feel very apprehensive about it.  I sincerely do want to have a sister, but it is rendering to be very difficult.   

As I mentioned, she has been ill and was recently diagnosed bipolar.  She had major surgery back in November, and has had trouble with the recuperation.  Infections, trouble with her blood being too thin, and a few other issues.  Now... let me make something else clear, I feel that she could be making all of this worse because she is depending on at least twenty different prescription drugs including morphine and Oxycontin.  She carries two gallon sized baggies filled halfway with prescription bottles and she is only 45.  

Something is just not right.

I know that because I am so black and white, I can be a "little" rough around the edges... because I am so matter of fact, well I just blurt out the truth and how I feel and do not know how to sugar coat things well... when drama shows its ugly face my heart starts racing, I can't breathe and I just can't handle things right.  I know these qualities of mine... well let's just say that I have found my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion!

With that said, it has not been easy relating to someone that does not think logically... someone who reacts to things differently than you and I...  someone who freaks out at the weirdest things... someone who one minute tells you one thing, which is very believable, and then does not come through.

“Oυr greatest joy-аחԁ ουr greatest pain comes іח ουr relationships wіtһ others.” ~ Stephen R. Covey

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.   ~Buddha

Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship.   ~Margaret Mead

Blessings to all! 

277 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 77 ~ A Shout Out ... Filled With Gratitude

courtesy of Bing images

When I started writing my blog, as I have mentioned, I wanted to put my story out there for my children and my family so they could understand me a little more... and to possibly help someone.  

Having said that... I knew that my blog had to be read... however... I cannot believe all the cities that my blog has been read in!!  

I am dedicating tonight's post to all of those who have read my blog... I hope in some way I have either helped you, or at least made you laugh.   ~ wink, wink

Some of you may have only read my blog once, and others couldn't resist coming back for more... Either way... a big thank you!!!  and then some of you may not like what I write...  a quick note to you...  if you don't like what I experienced, how do you think I felt going through it all?

Regardless... I hope in some way I have toughed your heart, and maybe even made you laugh once or twice...  any way you look at it... 

a shout out to each an every one of you (a heartfelt hello)... you know who you are... ~ wink, wink.  ... this post is for you!!

courtesy of Bing images

...   as south as Porto Alegre, Rio de Janeiro and Sao Jose do Rio Preto, Sao Paulo - Brazil...   as north as on the borders of Nunavut and Manitoba, and in Vancouver Canada...   Alexandria, Egypt...   Paris, France...   as north as New Delhi, as west as Gujarat, Chennai and,  south of Dubbak and Vishakhapatnam in India...    Germany...    Malaysia...    near Amsterdam and Rotterdam in the Netherlands...   southern city in Pakistan...    Lima, Peru...   near the cities of Manila and Batagas City and near the small island of Banton in the Phillipeans...   southern Poland...   Moskva in Russia...   Singapore...   as well as near the cities of Seoul and Busan in South Korea...   near the cities of Birmingham, London, Oxford and just north of Stockton-on in the United Kingdom... 

I also want to pay homage to those back home, in the States, some old friends... and some new... may God Bless you too!

courtesy of Bing images

Normal, Alabama...   near Phoenix and in Tucson, Arizona...   near San Francisco, Los Angeles and San Diego, California...   Pensacola and Port Charlotte, Florida...   just outside of Atlanta and Huntsville, Georgia...   near Boise, Idaho...   the windy city- Chicago, Illinois...   Council Bluffs, Iowa...   just northeast of Wichita, Kansas...   south of New Orleans and Thibodaux, Louisiana...   a border city in Massachusetts...   Las Vegas, Nevada...   New York...   close to Cleveland, Ohio...   near Rapid City, South Dakota...   Austin, El Paso and San Antonio, Texas...   Seattle, Washington...   southwest of Washington D.C.... Milwaukee, Wisconsin...     

I really hope, that I in some way, have brought you a little insight, encouragement and support, possibly even some joy or even maybe an "Aha" moment... as much insight, encouragement and support, and "Aha" moments as writing this blog has brought me!   This one is for you!

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues.   -- Cicero

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.   -- Albert Schweitzer

Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.   -- Brian Tracy 

Blessings to all!!

288 days / 41 weeks to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 65 ~ "Life" ... It Is What It Is... Therefore, I Am Who I Am

courtesy of Bing images

Talk about a "milestone"...  65 days! ... with 300 to go!  

I feel awesome!!  What a great accomplishment... sure I have had good days and some bad ones... however... the GOOD out weigh the bad!

I feel as each day that I write, I am cleansing my soul... who would have ever "thunk" that by my writing and getting life's twists and turns off of my chest would make me feel so good.

More importantly, getting "myself" on a paper is serving several purposes in my "eyes"...

1. Cleansing/healing of my mind, body and soul
2. Leaving something for my children for them to understand why "I tick" the way I do
3. Helping someone else through my experiences

Furthermore, I also realize that "my healing" may not be for some people...  and Frankly, I don't care.  I have already had some bozo leave me a couple of rude comments, and ticked off a member of my family...

Really? ... I DO NOT CARE !

Let me rephrase that a little... I am not trying to bash anyone, this is not what I am setting out to do.  I am writing of my life's experiences and how they have affected me.  Emphasis on my life's experiences.  Therefore, it is not up for discussion! or rather argument.  I went through things and saw, felt and heard things which ultimately affected me... 

courtesy of Bing images

Therefore, let me reiterate... MY EXPERIENCES ARE NOT UP FOR ARGUMENT OR DISCUSSION.  I am expressing myself as I encountered life...

It is what it is, therefore I am who I am !

So if you by chance do not like what I write about what I went through... well think about it... how do you think I felt having to go through it all !?

As I have expressed before, I am not here to disrespect anyone... If anything, if you really give it some thought... actually... I was the one that was disrespected.

There... now all of that ... IN A BALLOON!! 

courtesy of Bing images

To reiterate to some of you, and at the risk of sounding redundant to others... By my writing, or blogging, if you will, I am healing by leaps and bounds.  The best part of it all, (figuratively speaking,) I am releasing all of this negativity that has been weighing me down.. and holding me back... and am placing it all into a "balloon", letting it go... and that's it!  It is behind me!  

I strongly feel that if there ever will be a reason to revisit it, it will only be to explain it all more to my children and/or to help someone else in their healing process.

With 300 days to go (at least, who knows?)...  I am excited to see where this all takes me.

I am willing to let go of the past and heal.

I approve of myself and feel great about myself.

I have no need to do what others think I should. I am strengthened by doing the things I love to do.

  

Blessings to all!!

300 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 64 ~ "Let's See Where This Goes" Approach ;)

As you may have already noticed I am not continuing with "part tres" of "My Fight Begins" tonight.  

I have thought about this for most of my day today.  Do I want to just write about it all and GET IT OVER WITH... or...do I want to break it up?  Which by doing so, gives me a break on having to re-live it all at once.- However, this method is like removing a band-aid very slowly, making the pain last longer. 

I mentioned in the first part of this series that if my goal is to help some one other than myself with my experiences... then, I have to put it (my story and myself) out there.  

courtesy of Bing images

And even as I sit here writing this, I am still indecisive!

Listen, I have been going through all of this all my life, what's a little longer?  Well. I just want to put it out there and then place it all in a BALLOON! and get it over with!!  I want to lead a positive life, and the sooner I can get it all out, the sooner I can start living!

What's wrong with little bits here and there, with a little POSITIVENESS in between?

courtesy of Bing images

Well that settles it!  I will continue it in a few days... maybe this will be the topic for each Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday or just Tuesday and Thursday, until it's all said and done? ... Or ... Maybe just maybe, I'll get it out there every few days?  How about taking a "let's see where this goes" approach?  

That's it!...

It's settled.  I will continue this series every few days with a "Let's see where this goes" approach.  

With all that said, I would like to let you know that I have been sub-consciously, or maybe even consciously,  dreading the inevitable... sharing my fight for my children.  This even goes back to writing my book.  

I have dragged my feet on this because I knew that I would have to re-live it all ... and not only that ... but I am really putting forth an effort on being positive.  Setting a good example, as you will.  What shakes me up once in a while is the thought of the possibility of Calley, my beautiful little girl, learning negativity from me.

I am not going to lie to you, but there has been a couple of times that I have witnessed Calley doing something negative... where did she get this from?  Well, hellooo! ... ME!!  Oh my gosh!  The last thing I ever want is for Calley to experience is needless negativity.

My wish is for her to be everything I am not!  I wish that she will be strong and self confident.  Approachable, smart and with wonderful self esteem.  I would like her to be whatever she'd like, even if it's something I would not choose for her.  I wish for her to be happy! and most of all to love herself!!

Now, now... I am not trying to be hard on myself, don't forget I am working on myself.  Trying to change negative behavior and thoughts... Just so tired of being down and sad.  I wish all those things for myself and I know that one day I will be all those wonderful things I want for my daughter, and sons for that matter.

courtesy of Bing images

My eldest son just told me this evening that he was going to try out for the Navy Seals tomorrow... so many different feelings and thoughts!  One of which...the last thing I want, is for something to happen to my son!  However, this is something he wants and I am very proud of him for setting such a great goal!!  He has a great outlook... kind of a "let's see what happens" approach.   ;)   

I can tell that he doesn't want to get his hopes up... BUT...  I am his mother and I believe that he can do whatever he sets his mind to... and if it's meant to be, well, I believe that HE WILL BE GREAT AT IT!!  Great things will happen for him!!  

Wonderful things are in store for all my children! and for me and Dean!!

My children are a beautiful reflection of God's love.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”  Dr. Seuss 

Blessings to all!!

301 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 50 ~ A Mother's Love Part Deux

Courtesy of Bing images

As mentioned in earlier postings, once I put a subject "in a balloon and let it go"... that's it, I am letting it go and moving on with my life in a positive way.

However, my posting last night A Mother's Love, apparently struck a nerve with my cousin Gloria.  She came to my mother's defense with both barrels loaded.

First of all, I appreciate the fact that she has had such a wonderful relationship with my mother, apparently everyone has, except for her own children.  After all my mother has helped her and the rest of her family get either citizenship or green cards here in the US, among other things.

She stated that I had a "selective memory" as to what has happened in my mother's life and that she's a 73 year old woman that has OCD, and has suffered post-partum depression and was hospitalized for it something all together different (it was 1970, and they had no clue about PPD back then).  First of all ... she is 71.  Secondly, I did touch on this subject a little in Day 11.  Finally, how dare you tell me what I remember is not right and to ask your dad... I was there, I do not have to ask anyone.

As part of my reply to my cousin I had said for her to walk a mile in my shoes... well here are a few more steps for you to walk in...

Imagine yourself being nine years old, we lived in the heart of Hollywood, and it was 1972,  It was around ten o'clock at night and my mother, brother, sister and I were out on Hollywood Boulevard... before I knew it... they were no where in sight!! She was gone, and I found myself all alone avoiding strangers... She had gone home, she didn't look for me... I had to call my father collect to come get me.

I am not trying to bash my mother, nor disrespect the memory of my father.  I am trying to heal and become a better person, so I do not repeat the mistakes my parents made.

I am writing this blog so that my children one day understand what I have been through, so that they can understand and know the truth.  My truths, my experiences, my downfalls and my successes without ever having a doubt of who I am and how much I love them.  My intent is not to hurt anyone, but as mentioned to heal.  With that said if you do not like what I write, well quite frankly, it is MY LIFE and WHAT I EXPERIENCE... It is my TRUTHS of what I have SEEN.  Furthermore, do you think I have enjoyed walking in my shoes?  

People who have lived beautiful lives and have felt the unconditional love from their parents may find this hard to believe... well I'm sorry, but not everyone has lived a "perfect life" or felt that "unconditional love".  

I mentioned last night that it saddens me that I do not share the same love for my mother that my friends or even cousins have for their mothers... This does not make me happy.  I am not passing "judgement" on my mother, so you do not have to quote scriptures to me in such an ugly way...  this hurts!    Being that I can not change any of that... I have to PUT IT IN A BALLOON & LET IT GO for my family's sake.  For my sake... I have to move forward and raise my daughter, love her as I would have wanted to experience myself.  

So shame on you Gloria, for you being so quick to pass "judgement" on me.  You weren't even born yet when any of this was happening to my family.  You came so quickly to my mother's defense... did you even really read my post?  Anyways, I'm sure that you will now follow suit like the rest of the family... for what they are known for, they stop talking to you when they do not like you or what you do and then talk behind your back.  If that's the case, and that is how you feel, it is a shame.  I thought you were smarter than that... especially since you are an "MD"!  

I myself, may not be an MD, but I certainly do not operate that way.  I talk about things, I solve them or agree to disagree.  I do not pass judgement on others, Lord knows I am not perfect.  I unfortunately am a product of my parent's actions or non-actions...  and It stops here!!  It is all up in a balloon and gone, flown away!  Now... to be the best wife to my husband, and above all be the bestest mother my children can ask for!! 

“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible — the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”  - Virginia Satir

 “One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.”  Sophocles

Blessings to all!!

315 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.