Day 338 ~ Blessed to be Called "Mom"

Yesterday's post seemed a little dark... compared to how I really have been feeling- which is quite the opposite.

Mother's Day is an all around tough day (time) for me... not only as a daughter not having a mom around and she's alive, but the void of not having that daughter/mother relationship... and not to mention not having a solid relationship with my sons.

Whatever I know of the daughter / mother (or visa versa) relationship I owe it to the relationships of all my girlfriends and their moms.  I have to give a big thanks to all my friends' moms who not only stepped in throughout my life, but showed me what good moms were.  They all partook in my upbringing {if you really think about it}... anyways... a very Happy Mother's Day to all of them! 

Then came the day that I became a "mom" myself... then again... and then with the Grace of God once more.  

What a blessing to not only have been called "mommy" by three different little ones, but to love those same three  babies with every breath I take.  {granted. they are no longer babies}...

Today... two of my babies are now over 21, with lives of their own.  {and} Yes... my relationship with them could be better... but I have complete faith that with God's Grace one day I will have a healthier relationship with my sons.

Today... {after all... we do have to focus on what I do have...} what I do have, is a little precious princess that is "5-1/2" years old, and who does not let me forget it wither!  "Mo-om... I'm 5-1/2 years old.  I can do it."

Even though we have our little "moments", I don't know what I would do without her.  

Every time I look at my daughter, I want to do everything I can to have the healthiest relationship  with her, ever!  OH!  I know it won't be "perfect", we will bump heads and have our disagreements... However... I will do whatever it takes to be the best mom I can be to her. 

My priority is my daughter's best interest so that one day she will be a smart... strong... thick skinned... gentle... loving... honest and generous with her time by giving back... {That's all.  wink, wink.  Is that too much to ask for?}

Bottom line I want my baby to have the best tools so that one day she will make wonderful decisions... and... if mistakes are made, she learns from them.

I feel so blessed to have been given another chance at being a mother.  Thank you Lord.

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.  ~Oprah Winfrey 

Blessings,

27 days to go...  {I really don't know how to feel ... lol}  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 127 ~ A Gift From God

Five years ago, a long time wish of mine came true... my daughter was born.

Leading up to this day, I remember several times being at my wits' end... I remember as if it was yesterday... I was crying... praying... to Jesus... feeling as if I had no hope... feeling that my biggest desire would never come true... I remember thinking ...  "I guess this is it... I will never know what it will be to be a mother of a little girl... you know what is best for me dear Lord..."

Before I knew it...

The day came that my daughter would be born... so many things happened that day... first off we were told to be at the hospital by 2:00pm only to find out that my doctor, Dr. Cooper, who also delivered both of my sons... and YES he was still alive... had made a mistake and should have told us to be at the hospital by 6:00pm.  We were given the option to come back the next day... however, Dean and I had decided that in my father's memory, we wanted our little girl to be born on her grandfather's birthday, who had passed away when Mommy was four and a half months pregnant.

Once our little girl was born... our world was complete... Daddy was ever so protective over the both of us... and did not leave us alone that night, not even for a minute.

Daddy had gotten so grouchy... it did not help that the maternity wing was all being re-designed and re-built, under construction.  Therefore, our room did not have the normal amenities that it should have had... all we wanted was a bed or chair for our daddy.

Regardless... as far as we were concerned... we were complete... our family was complete.

Thank you Jesus!

Rejoice with your family in the beautiful land of life!  ~Albert Einstein

Family:  A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.  ~Evan Esar 

You don't choose your family.  They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.  ~Desmond Tutu 

Blessings to all!!

238 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 106 ~ Say Cheeese!!

Have I told you all lately how much I love my mother in law Gene? ... Well... I do!!

After going through some gloomy days, including mourning over my sons... I have been spending a lot of time helping Gene, or rather mom (because that's what I call her and it is weird to call or refer to her as Gene, if you get what I mean)...anyways...

Mom is such an amazing woman.  Here it has been five days shy of loosing her mother, Nana, and the first words out of mom's mouth when Nana passed, "I have lost my best friend!".  Still chokes me up when I think about those words.  Anyways, as I was saying, here its been just five days shy of a month and not only has she been taking care of her own family, but in addition has been going through her mother's home of nearly thirty years.

I've been in my house for three years now and have accumulated some things as you can imagine... but can you imagine THIRTY YEARS?!?!  One word... WOW!!!

Standard sized recycle bin

So Calley and I have been helping mom too... I've been in charge of going through photographs... Nana loved taking pictures!! to say the least.  I'd say I've gone through thousands of pictures covering her life span of eighty-five years, and still have a third left... unless we find a hidden box somewhere else.  hahaha

So while I have been going through all these pictures, some thoughts have been going through my mind....  

6" left to the top!

1. From now on my pictures must contain a loved on in them!  - of all those pictures Nana took, two thirds of them were of landscaping, plants, beautiful flowers, landscapes, her home, her doggies and koi fish. 
2. If taking pictures of loved ones or friends, now that we have the technology, please TAG them!!  If we would know who some of Nana and Grand-dad's friends were in some of these pictures, I'm sure they would have loved to get them.

So... the next time I see a beautiful flower and I want to take a picture of it.... "Calley, come take a picture!!"

A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely.      ~  Pam Brown

God intended motherhood to be a relay race. Each generation would pass the baton on to the next.     ~  Mary Pride

Blessings to all!!


259 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.      

Day 103 ~ Dimmer Switch Gets A Little Brighter

As the saying goes... Art Imitating Life, or is it Life Imitating Art?  

Why someone would choose to follow a story(ies) for over three decades is beyond me!!  

Oh... I'm sure I am not alone on this... I have been hooked on All My Children, One Life to Live and General Hospital since I was in high school... Hello, my name is Carla and I am a soapaholic!  

In one way or another, I have grown up with these soaps.  I have learned from them and laughed at them... I have gotten mad at them and turned them off for months... only to come back to see that life had not changed... not for them and not for me.

Now after nearly forty-two years, this week is the last week that ABC's All My Children will air on television.  One Life to Live will go off air in January of 2012.  Did find out from one of my friends that both shows will continue online.  After further investigation on my part, both shows were purchased by Prospect Park, which will continue to produce and air the shows online.  That's about as much as I know, now anyways.

Anyway, I mentioned art imitating life or visa-versa... whilst watching AMC today, and balling my eyes, for a good part of the show, with the good-byes starting, and the story lines ending ever so bitter-sweetly... some of the lines spoken whilst looking back on their television lives... took me on the same journey with my own life.

Yes... while walking down memory lane I see that life has taken its swings at me, and then, I have made my own mistakes and a few good choices too...  and in some instances it may have taken me a while, but I have learned from my experiences... both good and bad.

SO... today, as the dimmer switch went on a little higher.  I took a good long look at myself and the dark cloud that has been hovering over me.  Which is the loss and lack of relationship with my sons... I realized that since I lost them nearly eighteen years ago, all my decisions and actions have been based because of this loss, or with this loss hovering above me all the while lingering and darkening my heart.

I wish you could understand it...  how I feel I mean... maybe you do?... loosing my boys was like loosing my life... It wasn't like I lost them to death and that's it... they stop living and you don't have them anymore, except for memories.  They were alive, out there living their lives without me, without their mother... and I do not care what anyone says... a child needs their mother!  [This is with the understanding that we are talking about a good mother.]

Their father did everything in his power to alienate them from me and poison their minds.  I made the mistake of moving back home at a time in my life that I was drinking a lot and felt that I could not allow them to see me in that light... and that maybe being closer to my parents would help since they were getting older themselves.

Something my son said to me the other day when I asked him what if I moved back to the northwest near he and his brother... He reminded me that he has plans, as does his brother, and it would not be like it was when he was twelve... and that if I wanted to do something like that I had to think of myself, do it for myself.  Right then, at that moment, the light went on... I had lost my boys and I would never get them back.  

My sons are gone, and grown... and all I can do now is pray that God will watch over them and guide them, and put a wonderful girl in their paths that will help them do good, live good and be happy.  

The time has come for me to allow myself to mourn the loss of my sons, and with it the hope they would come back to me one day.  That time is gone forever, for now they are men and have their own lives to live.  With that I hope that they always know that my heart and my door will always be open to them when they are ready to know me.

NOW... What I do have is my daughter.  God has given me within her, the opportunity to be the mother she deserves.  I have also been given the opportunity to live up to the mom I was and wanted to be for my sons.  Calley deserves a happy life, the life I always wanted, the life I always wanted to give my boys... I will give it to her.

I also have to be grateful for my husband... for as many lows as I have gone through because of my loss... my ups and downs... probably more downs than anything... he still is beside me.  I love you Dino!

I have given myself permission to mourn the loss of my boys, accept the fact that I will never have them back again, for they are now grown.  I leave the rest in God's hands, along with my faith in him for what he sees me fit to do... which is raise my little girl with all the love she deserves to be raised with.  The rest is as they say... is in His hands.

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.  ~William Shakespeare

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.     ~From the television show The Wonder Years

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown 

Blessings to all!!


262 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.   

Day 89 ~ For Me & For Calley

Scratch another day off the calendar!  Can't believe we are already in September... before we know it Halloween will be here, and then... you got it!... Thanksgiving and Christmas!  ...and then the cycle starts all over again.

I know that I had said last Wednesday that I was going to start my Lifestyle Redesign on the first, however with all the preparations for the service tomorrow night and the graveside service Wednesday... well let's just say that my plate has been a little full.

Even so, I have been making conscious decisions as to what I am doing and above all what I am eating.  Being that I am going for a complete redesign, I have been making choices that I can comfortably live with for the rest of my life. 

Yes I said for the rest of my life.  Just like people sit there and reach for junk food or get fast food instead of making a healthy meal... I am trying to do the complete opposite, and teach my daughter to do so as well.

So as each day grows into a month, and each month then adds up to a year, I vow to lead a healthy lifestyle so I can be around for my beautiful little girl for many years to come!  

Calley, I am doing this not only for myself, but I am doing it for you as well!  And by the way that you munch out on raw broccoli or ask for a glass of water, instead of juice, I think we are on our way!!   I love you so much!

A daughter is the happy memories of the past, the joyful moments of the present, and the hope and promise of the future.                      ~  Author Unknown

And mothers are their daughters' role model, their biological and emotional road map, the arbiter of all their relationships.                         ~  Victoria Secunda

A daughter is a miracle that never ceases to be miraculous...full of beauty and forever beautiful...loving and caring and truly amazing.   ~  Deanna Beisser

Blessings to all! 

276 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 50 ~ A Mother's Love Part Deux

Courtesy of Bing images

As mentioned in earlier postings, once I put a subject "in a balloon and let it go"... that's it, I am letting it go and moving on with my life in a positive way.

However, my posting last night A Mother's Love, apparently struck a nerve with my cousin Gloria.  She came to my mother's defense with both barrels loaded.

First of all, I appreciate the fact that she has had such a wonderful relationship with my mother, apparently everyone has, except for her own children.  After all my mother has helped her and the rest of her family get either citizenship or green cards here in the US, among other things.

She stated that I had a "selective memory" as to what has happened in my mother's life and that she's a 73 year old woman that has OCD, and has suffered post-partum depression and was hospitalized for it something all together different (it was 1970, and they had no clue about PPD back then).  First of all ... she is 71.  Secondly, I did touch on this subject a little in Day 11.  Finally, how dare you tell me what I remember is not right and to ask your dad... I was there, I do not have to ask anyone.

As part of my reply to my cousin I had said for her to walk a mile in my shoes... well here are a few more steps for you to walk in...

Imagine yourself being nine years old, we lived in the heart of Hollywood, and it was 1972,  It was around ten o'clock at night and my mother, brother, sister and I were out on Hollywood Boulevard... before I knew it... they were no where in sight!! She was gone, and I found myself all alone avoiding strangers... She had gone home, she didn't look for me... I had to call my father collect to come get me.

I am not trying to bash my mother, nor disrespect the memory of my father.  I am trying to heal and become a better person, so I do not repeat the mistakes my parents made.

I am writing this blog so that my children one day understand what I have been through, so that they can understand and know the truth.  My truths, my experiences, my downfalls and my successes without ever having a doubt of who I am and how much I love them.  My intent is not to hurt anyone, but as mentioned to heal.  With that said if you do not like what I write, well quite frankly, it is MY LIFE and WHAT I EXPERIENCE... It is my TRUTHS of what I have SEEN.  Furthermore, do you think I have enjoyed walking in my shoes?  

People who have lived beautiful lives and have felt the unconditional love from their parents may find this hard to believe... well I'm sorry, but not everyone has lived a "perfect life" or felt that "unconditional love".  

I mentioned last night that it saddens me that I do not share the same love for my mother that my friends or even cousins have for their mothers... This does not make me happy.  I am not passing "judgement" on my mother, so you do not have to quote scriptures to me in such an ugly way...  this hurts!    Being that I can not change any of that... I have to PUT IT IN A BALLOON & LET IT GO for my family's sake.  For my sake... I have to move forward and raise my daughter, love her as I would have wanted to experience myself.  

So shame on you Gloria, for you being so quick to pass "judgement" on me.  You weren't even born yet when any of this was happening to my family.  You came so quickly to my mother's defense... did you even really read my post?  Anyways, I'm sure that you will now follow suit like the rest of the family... for what they are known for, they stop talking to you when they do not like you or what you do and then talk behind your back.  If that's the case, and that is how you feel, it is a shame.  I thought you were smarter than that... especially since you are an "MD"!  

I myself, may not be an MD, but I certainly do not operate that way.  I talk about things, I solve them or agree to disagree.  I do not pass judgement on others, Lord knows I am not perfect.  I unfortunately am a product of my parent's actions or non-actions...  and It stops here!!  It is all up in a balloon and gone, flown away!  Now... to be the best wife to my husband, and above all be the bestest mother my children can ask for!! 

“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible — the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”  - Virginia Satir

 “One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.”  Sophocles

Blessings to all!!

315 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Day 49 ~ A Mother's Love

As nice of a day as I may have had, there are some things I have found out that both my parents have done... not together of course... but separately, that have really made me feel less than.

I can't yell or get mad at my father much more nor confront him, because he's gone... As far as my mother is concerned... Boy I really have not touched this subject now, have I...

I have told you that she has a mental disability, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), however sometimes I wonder!!

She certainly is always well enough to help my sister out, and even my brother... but me...

Well, let's just put it this way... I finally put pride aside in order for my daughter to have a grandmother and I had been asking my mother for months to come and help me, and if it's not one thing or another... she's just never available for me... and quite frankly seeing the head games that she plays, I don't think I want her help... ever!

[I would rather Calley see her once in a while, and let her have a sweet image of her than not.  I do not want Calley tainted in any way!]

I've been struggling... does she help me?  NO... but her second cousin's son... well she's there for him!  The neighbor down the street, she's there for her!  Her family... again, she's there for them!  But her daughter...NO!

My first cousin is always talking her up, what a wonderful person she is, etc... and when I was not speaking to my mother, she always would try to convince me to do so.

The thing my cousin does not understand is that, my mother is her aunt, and that is the role she has played in her life... she may have given her things and been nice to her...

But as a mother, I felt abandoned by her at a young age... she wasn't there when I needed her, and then when she did show up, she lied to me by convincing me to go to Peru to visit family for a couple of weeks in my junior year in high school... and I ended up staying there for a year and a half.  All the plans I had, well she did away with them...

Years prior, she kidnapped my brother, sister and I, took us to Peru, just before her divorce from my dad and kept us from him for nearly a year, and then gave custody of me to his estranged grandfather!

She was never there for any of my pregnancies, and any time I thought I was having an honest moment with her... well let's just say it was the furthest thing from the truth.

Yes she is my mother, but seems like more and more it was in name only!

It is very sad.  Every time there's Mother's day or something to do for moms on Facebook, it saddens me that I do not love her as my friends love their mothers.  I love her because she is my mother... but that "wonderful feeling" that my friends feel for their moms... it's just not there.  I don't know it.  There's a void in my heart, where there should be love.  It's very sad.

Your mother is supposed to protect you... not mine.  When I told her at the age of nine that a cousin had molested me... she made excuses for him and did not want to cause any problems within the family!

My friend's moms, my mother in laws, they have been my mothers.  However, its not the same.  I can't go to them, as I should be able to go to my mom.  I tried, and every time I open my heart, it gets stepped on!

What will I do with all of this???  First of all... it's in a balloon, and gone!

I will be the best mother to my Calley, and I will NEVER let her feel less than!!  Calley will be loved by me more than anyone could imagine!!  My daughter will never feel alone.  My daughter will never learn from the streets what should be taught by me.  My daughter will grow up knowing what love is from both her parents.

The way that Calley looks at me and tells me she loves me, or that I am her angel, or I am the bestest mommy in the world... that love I see in her eyes... I will always work to keep that love she has for me.  I will always be true to my Calley!  

I adore my sons just as much, and feel pain when I think of all the time that has been stolen from us.  I feel pain when I think of how they have been tainted by their father's words about me... I will be here for them when they are ready for me to be their mother again, and will give them the love they so deserve!

We can talk all we want, however it is our actions that children will imitate. From the time they are young children until the teenage years children watch what you say and what you do.    Author unknown.

Blessings to all!!

316 days / 45 weeks to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Day 38 ~ Calley, My Gift From God

This morning while I was working out Calley was busy.  I could see that she was drawing, but I continued to focus to my workout.  Next thing I know my little girl came up to me to show me what she had drawn, and I asked her to wait three minutes so I could finish doing my "set".  Waiting for her is like an eternity too!! Finally when I finished and saw what she had drawn, I couldn't help feeling bad for making her wait.  

"Mommy Exercising" by Calley

"Here mommy this is for you so you can put it on your blog," she said ever so sweetly in her little Minnie Mouse voice (yes, she has a little Minnie Mouse voice!)  

She drew me exercising!

I love this little girl!! so much.  She does have her moments like any other four and a half year old, however on top of that, she is the absolute most curious little girl ever!!!  She asks more questions, than both her brothers together did!  Always touching what she's not suppose to, constantly getting into my things, but I am not complaining!

Just to clarify Calley was planned... yes call me crazy!!  I do.  I waited for her for such a long time.  After having been taken away the position, role, honor, of being a mother to both my boys, I prayed for the right man to come into my life (Dean) and that he would want a child.  It took sometime for both, but finally my blessings came one at a time!!

There is a fifteen year age difference between Calley and my youngest son, and Lord knows I FEEL it once in a while... However it doesn't matter how you slice it, Calley is my greatest gift (in more ways than one).  She brought me back to life again and motivates me to be the best example for her.

She's quite unique.  Calley came into my life at a point that I appreciated her more than anything in the world!  It took a little convincing, but finally on Valentine's Day, before our third anniversary, we found out we were pregnant~!

By one and a half she knew her alphabet, and in ASL (American Sign Language) as well- I taught her how to sign with Signing Time on PBS channel.  She learned well over 300 hundred signs by the time she was two.  She knew her colors and shapes, and started pre-k short of her fourth birthday (always being a year younger than all her classmates, yet at the top of the class in reading).

Today, instead of playing after breakfast while I work out... she gets on her own "work out" clothes- basically shorts and a t-shirt like mom, gets her wii controller, a water bottle and gets in front of me and mimics all my moves!!

This is so awesome... I have always cooked really healthy for her.  I nursed her until one, made her fresh baby food, all her juices are cut with water 50/50, no sugar! (her Halloween candy lasts all year- she gets a piece once in a while- no doubt Dean and I eat more of it that she does!)  To this day... NO SODA! and drinks Almond, Coconut Milk, sometimes soy milk.  

Such a girly-girl!!

And now, she joins me working out.  Runs with me with the running exercises, and gets on the floor and does sit ups too!  She's such a great caregiver.  Always asks me if I'm doing okay, I don't know what would give her the impression that I wasn't okay... maybe it's all the water I am sweating or even how I just down the bottle of water in no time.  Today I thought Oprah had taken over the both of us... by the way we were yelling.. "let's go girls.. keep up.. right, left, right.." while doing advance step on my wii Fit Plus workout, all in that Oprah way of cheering with that voice of hers! and Calley?  Well she was yelling the same way... HYSTERICAL!!

When it comes to my blogging, this little girl is the most supportive person ever!! Usually she does not see me blog, because I do it after she goes to bed. However, she does discuss it with me.  She asks what I am writing about, and of course I tell her of all the positive things I am writing about... and somehow knows that it is not only important to me, but that it is helping me.  Well, I have been walking with a spring in my step lately.

Daughter are angles sent from above to fill our heart with unending love.
-- J. Lee

Blessings to all!

327 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.