Thursday, May 10, 2012

Day 337 ~ As A Daughter...

With Mother's Day {basically} being a couple of days away... it has definitely got me thinking about my mother lately.

Having said that... my hurt and resentment towards my mother is because of her  lack of effort to not only be a part of my life, but my daughter's too... and having made poor decisions on my behalf during my childhood.  Or is it more because I did want her in my life?  

Any way you look at it, she and her illness (or visa versa) has pushed me away.

Or is it more that I stayed away {for my own sanity} to keep me out of the equation.  If I am not there, then I am not there to be hurt. 

I have grown to think that she has lived with my sister all these years (or rather my sister has always lived with her) because they understand each other.  

I have no childhood memories of my mother between the ages of 4 and 8 or so... then everything is very sporadic, very here and there... every so often.  No memories of stories read or boo boos kissed.  No games or fun.  Sad.

My mother having OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and depression (and God knows what else she keeps from me).  My sister not only is Bipolar and ill (ill, due to poor judgement), she also has a history of making poor decisions herself and because of it all has always depended on my mother {to bail her out}.

I noticed it more after my most recent falling out with my sister at Christmas, my mother stopped calling me as well.

This is not right.  This is not healthy.  This is not healthy not only for my sanity, but for my daughter's as well.  This is not right on so many levels.

I really hope Calley forgets this all one day, including my fight with my sister when she was here.  It was ugly.  It was ghetto!  SO embarrassing to have allowed it to get so outrageous!  It was very verbal and very loud.

As a daughter it hurts when your mother, who is getting up in age, has no interest of being a part of your life and you know that one day you (me) will have to deal with that final loss.  BTW  I have asked her so many times to live with me in the last ten years, with my husband's blessing.

As a daughter it hurts {not as much as it used to} when you see, read or hear of other moms with their children.  And it doesn't matter how old the kids are.  They can be five or thirty-five... seeing what they have and what I don't... hurts a little.

As a daughter, "having" a mother mentally absent since I was five physically not around since I was nine, and off and on between twelve and eighteen... and then maybe here and there after that... and never being a constant... never being there for my milestones... hurts a little (lot).

I say it all "hurts a little" because I can no longer allow it to hurt and burden me.  I did nothing wrong.  It is who she is.  That's all.   ...and I got a bum number....that's all.

As a daughter, I need to accept all of this for what it is.  {Accept the hand that has been dealt to me.}  

What is it?   Hell... I don't know!  lol!  

All I do know is that I did not do anything to merit not having a "great mother".  I know I have always tried to be a good daughter (only to be turned away.)  

It's okay.  Makes me want to be a better person. 


As a daughter... now a mother... I will do my utmost best and beyond to be the best mom my kids could have... at any age... and above all... always be there for them {at any age} when they need me.   They will always be able to count on me.

A mother's love liberates.   ~ Maya Angelou\


28 days to go...  {woowww!}  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 


KarenG said...

I have a very good friend who could have written this. Although she has made the choice to let go of all her regrets and expectations about her mentally unstable mother, the hurt just never goes away. God bless you, and may this Mother's Day be a time of joy for you despite the pain.

Kendra said...

Such a tough thing to deal with. Sometimes it's easier for a person to live with their illness in chaos, then have to sort it out. I'm sorry that your mom hasn't been there for you. But like you mentioned in your post, it has shown you the way you want to be for your daughter, and that is a beautiful thing. Hugs to you!

Jenn said...

The best outcome of all of your turmoil is that you're on a quest to be the very best, most present parent you can be for your daughter. Even though it still stings, you have made a choice to make that pain a reminder, not a burden. Blessings to you!!!!

Barbara Mascareno-Shaw said...

Sometimes is hard to forgive and forget, especially those that we love the most. I hope that one day you can come to terms with your mom. Those that we love and look up to can sometimes hurts us the most. And yet, we don't seem to talk it out. To deal with our emotions before they can spiral into ugly sayings. I hope that this can ease your mind: 1 Corinthians 11:1, "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ." Happy Mother's Day :)