Day 338 ~ Blessed to be Called "Mom"

Yesterday's post seemed a little dark... compared to how I really have been feeling- which is quite the opposite.

Mother's Day is an all around tough day (time) for me... not only as a daughter not having a mom around and she's alive, but the void of not having that daughter/mother relationship... and not to mention not having a solid relationship with my sons.

Whatever I know of the daughter / mother (or visa versa) relationship I owe it to the relationships of all my girlfriends and their moms.  I have to give a big thanks to all my friends' moms who not only stepped in throughout my life, but showed me what good moms were.  They all partook in my upbringing {if you really think about it}... anyways... a very Happy Mother's Day to all of them! 

Then came the day that I became a "mom" myself... then again... and then with the Grace of God once more.  

What a blessing to not only have been called "mommy" by three different little ones, but to love those same three  babies with every breath I take.  {granted. they are no longer babies}...

Today... two of my babies are now over 21, with lives of their own.  {and} Yes... my relationship with them could be better... but I have complete faith that with God's Grace one day I will have a healthier relationship with my sons.

Today... {after all... we do have to focus on what I do have...} what I do have, is a little precious princess that is "5-1/2" years old, and who does not let me forget it wither!  "Mo-om... I'm 5-1/2 years old.  I can do it."

Even though we have our little "moments", I don't know what I would do without her.  

Every time I look at my daughter, I want to do everything I can to have the healthiest relationship  with her, ever!  OH!  I know it won't be "perfect", we will bump heads and have our disagreements... However... I will do whatever it takes to be the best mom I can be to her. 

My priority is my daughter's best interest so that one day she will be a smart... strong... thick skinned... gentle... loving... honest and generous with her time by giving back... {That's all.  wink, wink.  Is that too much to ask for?}

Bottom line I want my baby to have the best tools so that one day she will make wonderful decisions... and... if mistakes are made, she learns from them.

I feel so blessed to have been given another chance at being a mother.  Thank you Lord.

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.  ~Oprah Winfrey 

Blessings,

27 days to go...  {I really don't know how to feel ... lol}  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 337 ~ As A Daughter...

With Mother's Day {basically} being a couple of days away... it has definitely got me thinking about my mother lately.

Having said that... my hurt and resentment towards my mother is because of her  lack of effort to not only be a part of my life, but my daughter's too... and having made poor decisions on my behalf during my childhood.  Or is it more because I did want her in my life?  

Any way you look at it, she and her illness (or visa versa) has pushed me away.

Or is it more that I stayed away {for my own sanity} to keep me out of the equation.  If I am not there, then I am not there to be hurt. 

I have grown to think that she has lived with my sister all these years (or rather my sister has always lived with her) because they understand each other.  

I have no childhood memories of my mother between the ages of 4 and 8 or so... then everything is very sporadic, very here and there... every so often.  No memories of stories read or boo boos kissed.  No games or fun.  Sad.

My mother having OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and depression (and God knows what else she keeps from me).  My sister not only is Bipolar and ill (ill, due to poor judgement), she also has a history of making poor decisions herself and because of it all has always depended on my mother {to bail her out}.

I noticed it more after my most recent falling out with my sister at Christmas, my mother stopped calling me as well.

This is not right.  This is not healthy.  This is not healthy not only for my sanity, but for my daughter's as well.  This is not right on so many levels.

I really hope Calley forgets this all one day, including my fight with my sister when she was here.  It was ugly.  It was ghetto!  SO embarrassing to have allowed it to get so outrageous!  It was very verbal and very loud.

As a daughter it hurts when your mother, who is getting up in age, has no interest of being a part of your life and you know that one day you (me) will have to deal with that final loss.  BTW  I have asked her so many times to live with me in the last ten years, with my husband's blessing.

As a daughter it hurts {not as much as it used to} when you see, read or hear of other moms with their children.  And it doesn't matter how old the kids are.  They can be five or thirty-five... seeing what they have and what I don't... hurts a little.

As a daughter, "having" a mother mentally absent since I was five,  physically not around since I was nine, and off and on between twelve and eighteen... and then maybe here and there after that... and never being a constant... never being there for my milestones... hurts a little (lot).

I say it all "hurts a little" because I can no longer allow it to hurt and burden me.  I did nothing wrong.  It is who she is.  That's all.   ...and I got a bum number....that's all.

As a daughter, I need to accept all of this for what it is.  {Accept the hand that has been dealt to me.}  


What is it?   Hell... I don't know!  lol!  


All I do know is that I did not do anything to merit not having a "great mother".  I know I have always tried to be a good daughter (only to be turned away.)  


It's okay.  Makes me want to be a better person. 


Now...

As a daughter... now a mother... I will do my utmost best and beyond to be the best mom my kids could have... at any age... and above all... always be there for them {at any age} when they need me.   They will always be able to count on me.

A mother's love liberates.   ~ Maya Angelou\

Blessings,

28 days to go...  {woowww!}  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 241 ~ ...When I Grew Up...

Friday, October 13, 2006

Me....    "Calley...  when I was a little girl, I would let anyone who asked know that all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mommy."

Calley...    "You didn't want to be a princess?"

Me...    "Being a princess did not matter.  Having a beautiful family and living happily ever after did."

Calley...    "Mommy... you didn't want to be a princess?"

Me...    "No, honey.  Being a princess did not matter to me.  Loving you, Addison and Logan is all that matters to me.  All I ever wanted was to be a mommy, having you, taking care of you, watching you grow, and having you call me mommy.  That's what makes me happy.  and... If I get a chance to wear a beautiful dress and look like a princess... well that's a bonus."

Friday, November 25, 2011

Calley...    "But, mommy... you look like a princess...

Me...    "I love you more than life."

Calley...    "You are my princess."

Me...    "I am blessed."

Calley...    "Mommy, I am blessed too." 

I can not wait to see the woman Calley grows into.  If the person she is at the age of five is any indication... she will grow into an amazing woman.  I am truly blessed.  ~  Carla Barila Karam

  

Blessings to all!!

124 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own... all copyright laws apply.

Day 240 ~ I Am Blessed to be Known As "Mom"...

I am blessed to be known as "mom" to three great people.  I am very proud of the man my twenty-four year old son is becoming, as I am of my twenty-one year old... and rounding up my trio is my little girl, who at the age of five gives attitude like a twenty year old!  wink, wink  No.  Seriously now, she is a blessing in my life.  All three of my children are a blessing in my life.

After a touching conversation with my eldest, I have really come to really understand that no matter how old my children get... they will never stop being my babies.  I love my children even more than the day they were each born ... and that is not to say that I loved them less by comparison..

I am going to take each day as a mom as it comes, savoring each moment that blesses me.  As time has already proven to me, I must treasure all moments good and bad... because before we know it, time comes, time goes, our children grown, our children start a life of their own.

I want to be a better person so one day my children will be proud to say I am their mother.  ~Carla Barila Karam

Blessings to all!!

125 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own... all copyright laws apply.