Day 337 ~ As A Daughter...

With Mother's Day {basically} being a couple of days away... it has definitely got me thinking about my mother lately.

Having said that... my hurt and resentment towards my mother is because of her  lack of effort to not only be a part of my life, but my daughter's too... and having made poor decisions on my behalf during my childhood.  Or is it more because I did want her in my life?  

Any way you look at it, she and her illness (or visa versa) has pushed me away.

Or is it more that I stayed away {for my own sanity} to keep me out of the equation.  If I am not there, then I am not there to be hurt. 

I have grown to think that she has lived with my sister all these years (or rather my sister has always lived with her) because they understand each other.  

I have no childhood memories of my mother between the ages of 4 and 8 or so... then everything is very sporadic, very here and there... every so often.  No memories of stories read or boo boos kissed.  No games or fun.  Sad.

My mother having OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and depression (and God knows what else she keeps from me).  My sister not only is Bipolar and ill (ill, due to poor judgement), she also has a history of making poor decisions herself and because of it all has always depended on my mother {to bail her out}.

I noticed it more after my most recent falling out with my sister at Christmas, my mother stopped calling me as well.

This is not right.  This is not healthy.  This is not healthy not only for my sanity, but for my daughter's as well.  This is not right on so many levels.

I really hope Calley forgets this all one day, including my fight with my sister when she was here.  It was ugly.  It was ghetto!  SO embarrassing to have allowed it to get so outrageous!  It was very verbal and very loud.

As a daughter it hurts when your mother, who is getting up in age, has no interest of being a part of your life and you know that one day you (me) will have to deal with that final loss.  BTW  I have asked her so many times to live with me in the last ten years, with my husband's blessing.

As a daughter it hurts {not as much as it used to} when you see, read or hear of other moms with their children.  And it doesn't matter how old the kids are.  They can be five or thirty-five... seeing what they have and what I don't... hurts a little.

As a daughter, "having" a mother mentally absent since I was five,  physically not around since I was nine, and off and on between twelve and eighteen... and then maybe here and there after that... and never being a constant... never being there for my milestones... hurts a little (lot).

I say it all "hurts a little" because I can no longer allow it to hurt and burden me.  I did nothing wrong.  It is who she is.  That's all.   ...and I got a bum number....that's all.

As a daughter, I need to accept all of this for what it is.  {Accept the hand that has been dealt to me.}  


What is it?   Hell... I don't know!  lol!  


All I do know is that I did not do anything to merit not having a "great mother".  I know I have always tried to be a good daughter (only to be turned away.)  


It's okay.  Makes me want to be a better person. 


Now...

As a daughter... now a mother... I will do my utmost best and beyond to be the best mom my kids could have... at any age... and above all... always be there for them {at any age} when they need me.   They will always be able to count on me.

A mother's love liberates.   ~ Maya Angelou\

Blessings,

28 days to go...  {woowww!}  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 241 ~ ...When I Grew Up...

Friday, October 13, 2006

Me....    "Calley...  when I was a little girl, I would let anyone who asked know that all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mommy."

Calley...    "You didn't want to be a princess?"

Me...    "Being a princess did not matter.  Having a beautiful family and living happily ever after did."

Calley...    "Mommy... you didn't want to be a princess?"

Me...    "No, honey.  Being a princess did not matter to me.  Loving you, Addison and Logan is all that matters to me.  All I ever wanted was to be a mommy, having you, taking care of you, watching you grow, and having you call me mommy.  That's what makes me happy.  and... If I get a chance to wear a beautiful dress and look like a princess... well that's a bonus."

Friday, November 25, 2011

Calley...    "But, mommy... you look like a princess...

Me...    "I love you more than life."

Calley...    "You are my princess."

Me...    "I am blessed."

Calley...    "Mommy, I am blessed too." 

I can not wait to see the woman Calley grows into.  If the person she is at the age of five is any indication... she will grow into an amazing woman.  I am truly blessed.  ~  Carla Barila Karam

  

Blessings to all!!

124 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own... all copyright laws apply.

Day 185 ~ A Christmas Note To My Sons

Calley loves wearing
Nana's 'cowgirl' hat

This time of the year is such a magical time of the year.  People are kinder, more giving and thoughtful.  There's hustle and bustle, shopping and wrapping, the proverbial crossing of names on your shopping list, all as you get ready to travel home for the holidays.  Or you could be like me... one who is preparing their home for family to arrive.  However, not everyone is as blessed.

For those of you who have suffered a recent loss... we too have suffered one.  This is our first Christmas without our 'Nana' and feel a great loss as well.    Regardless, family always comes to mind and heart, this time of year.  Our prayers are with you all.

For me, the holidays make me miss my sons even more than any other time of the year.  Not only does this time of year bring to mind all the time we have spent apart, but the missed opportunities of growing closer as a family, as well as the love and respect felt being in one another's lives.  Not to mention the many Christmases spent away from one another.  My heart aches for my sons. 

I remember being around eighteen years old. Motherhood was the furthest thing from my mind.  Truth be told, it scared me half to death.  I just knew I wasn't ready, and that I needed to grow... I was aware that I was barely a young adult.

My Baby BUMP!
 (my heart & I have a big smile)

And came the day that not only was I more than ready, but I was going to be a mommy.  Whether I learned of my first, second, or even third baby was to bless my life... I was so happy.  I felt so wonderful.  I began to bond with each of my babies right away, confiding  in them, as well as including them in every decision in my life from then on.

I remember being twenty-four and pregnant with Addison,  and going for drives, just so I could talk with him (to my belly.)  Logan was no different, I would even drive around the corner of where we lived, and I'd just sit in my car for hours talking to both he and Addison (who by this time was three and a half years old and I, a mere twenty-eight.)  We would make BIG plans.  

As many mommies, I fell in love with my children at first kick!  if not sooner.

Time went by and life happened... decisions were made... some are stood by and some... well let's just say that they were paid for.  All in all, no matter what, my love for you, my children grows stronger every day.  As time goes by, the void in my heart may grow darker... but the faith I have will never allow me to give up hope that one day we will be together once again.

I love you to the moon and stars above!

In the meantime, I will use this time to grow stronger as a person, wiser as a mother, and understanding and forgiving of those who have brought harm our way.

I was given a gift from my dear friend Alysia, and it reads as follows...

Life is not about finding yourself... Life is about creating yourself   ~ author unknown

  

Blessings to all!!

180 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 171 ~ Are You Ready for My Help?

courtesy of Bing images

Sitting here looking back on my day wondering how and what I am going to share with you in tonight's post... well, let me share of the amazing AHA moment I have just experienced... 

you know of that happy family life that I continuously strive to have with my mother, sister and even my brother... 

two things... 

first off, I realized and agree, that I have been not only a great daughter but a good sister too.  I have made myself available time after time again, willing to help, assist and or support.  More importantly I have made effort to communicate better, understand, and above all do my best not to judge... however, strangely enough, somehow I feel that I have failed.  I failed because I am NOT helping.  I feel as if I am witnessing separate train wrecks about to happen, and I can not get the conductor to realize it.  I feel helpless to help, if that makes any sense. 

I also realized that I can not force myself, or my help onto someone else.  They have to want to be helped.  All I wanted to do is be able to really help my sister, brother as well, of course including my mother.  Each one of them are going through a bad time, and I feel as if my hands are tied.

how this affects me is that they are my blood, my family, and I do not like to see them hurt - it hurts me too.  I love them.  I miss them.  I even really wanted to spend time with my sister.  I am hurt and disappointed, however I more or less understand.  If they really wanted my help, I would be helping them.  right?

The finale to my AHA moment...  well, you know of that family I so desperately seek... I ALREADY HAVE IT!!  

As I rewound today's events, and looked on to my day, I realized that my husband's family, my family... yes my family... they were there for me and regardless of what may come out of my mouth, love me unconditionally! 

The love of a family is life's greatest blessing.    ~ author unknown

At the risk of sounding redundant, I am thankful for being a part of such a wonderful family.

Blessings to all!!

194 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 106 ~ Say Cheeese!!

Have I told you all lately how much I love my mother in law Gene? ... Well... I do!!

After going through some gloomy days, including mourning over my sons... I have been spending a lot of time helping Gene, or rather mom (because that's what I call her and it is weird to call or refer to her as Gene, if you get what I mean)...anyways...

Mom is such an amazing woman.  Here it has been five days shy of loosing her mother, Nana, and the first words out of mom's mouth when Nana passed, "I have lost my best friend!".  Still chokes me up when I think about those words.  Anyways, as I was saying, here its been just five days shy of a month and not only has she been taking care of her own family, but in addition has been going through her mother's home of nearly thirty years.

I've been in my house for three years now and have accumulated some things as you can imagine... but can you imagine THIRTY YEARS?!?!  One word... WOW!!!

Standard sized recycle bin

So Calley and I have been helping mom too... I've been in charge of going through photographs... Nana loved taking pictures!! to say the least.  I'd say I've gone through thousands of pictures covering her life span of eighty-five years, and still have a third left... unless we find a hidden box somewhere else.  hahaha

So while I have been going through all these pictures, some thoughts have been going through my mind....  

6" left to the top!

1. From now on my pictures must contain a loved on in them!  - of all those pictures Nana took, two thirds of them were of landscaping, plants, beautiful flowers, landscapes, her home, her doggies and koi fish. 
2. If taking pictures of loved ones or friends, now that we have the technology, please TAG them!!  If we would know who some of Nana and Grand-dad's friends were in some of these pictures, I'm sure they would have loved to get them.

So... the next time I see a beautiful flower and I want to take a picture of it.... "Calley, come take a picture!!"

A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely.      ~  Pam Brown

God intended motherhood to be a relay race. Each generation would pass the baton on to the next.     ~  Mary Pride

Blessings to all!!


259 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.      

Day 97 ~ Next Time CALGON!

Why is it that when you go to bed with angels on your pillows, with nothing but good intentions of waking up the next day and having a fabulous day... but then low and behold... sometime between the time you fell asleep, the seven hours that went by, and then waking up ... all hell breaks loose!!

One thing that didn't help was that I wasn't feeling well... been fighting a sinus headache for the past couple of days... but that doesn't constitute being in such a horrendous mood.

Well let's see...

~ I have been talking, chatting, skype-ing and even playing words with friends with Addison... off and on for a few weeks now...  ~ I'm hoping that this is just an example of good things to come!

~I have not been able to get a hold of Logan since a week or so after Mother's day... this doesn't help any at all- he or I especially when he is at such a vulnerable age (20) with so many choices and decisions to be made

~Tried calling my mother... no response!  What else is new!  Especially when she was suppose to help me out with something this past week.  Why give your word on something and then not follow through?!  History repeating itself, once again!  I guess I should know better.... so this one's on me!

~Tried calling my sister... no response!  What else is new!!??  She was suppose to have come through on something for me as well..

~Wake up, and as I mentioned not feeling well... the house is a wreck!

~This is now WEEK 25 of my NO CAR dilemma... Even under warranty, we gave them $400 for what seemed to be for the computer, that was in the beginning of June... we thought we would be getting back my car within two weeks at that point.  Oh and by the way, a year ago this week we bought both Dino's and my cars!  This is not the first time it has been at the shop either... so,with that, I'd be lucky if I drove my car for three months... IF THAT! 

~This evening, I once again try to call Logan, my second son... but to no avail... no answer...  and no I can not leave a message [because it makes some strange noise and does not give you the opportunity to do so], and I text him from my google number... and nothing.. I didn't go all "psycho-dialing",  well I only tried calling four times... but still to no avail... nothing.

So... instead of yelling "CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!" ... I guess I took the low row and opted to be in a crappy mood.

You know what that means... crappy mood = bad negative thoughts!

Why!?  Well, as far as I am concerned you, or rather I am completely stressed about some obligations we have, and and does not help that I can't talk to Logan.

I know my son is twenty... however twenty year old(s) not only still need hugs, but they need their moms too!

Now some constructive criticism to myself...  I overheard this on tv earlier and it has been repeating itself in my head off and on since ..."Do you think that possibly MY expectations

are a little bit too high?"   Good question, huh?  OR...

Maybe I just need to hang in there, and continue to give it to my higher being...

Let go... let God!

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.  ~Aristotle

A mother's heart is a patchwork of love.  ~Author Unknown

Blessings to all!!


268 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 88 ~ ... But You Can't Make Him/Her Drink!

After re-reading last night's post, I'd like to elaborate on a couple of things I said.  As I read it, I felt that I left out some information... which by doing so made it sound as if I was being  a heartless, spoiled brat.  I know that part of it is that I really do not, or rather, am not ready to share 100% on this matter~ and because of this I was being very evasive, not to mention I was upset.

Since I was about fifteen, I have been out on my own and have always taken care of myself.  When I set to do something... I did it!... may have taken me a little bit, but I did it!  My sister on the other hand was not as independent as I, and made completely different choices.  Besides the fact that our parents (and as I am starting to learn) especially our father, would use us against each other in their fights, for their own benefit.  There is more to it, however this gives you an idea.  

Because of some of the choices my sister made, my mother was always by her side helping her.  I even remember my mother once saying that she really did not have to worry about me.  But all this accomplished was my staying away, more so because my sister and I never got along.

I am very black and white, matter of fact, and can not handle drama and all that goes with it.  My sister and I did not get along more so because of the division created by my parents, that and we were opposites in these respects.  As I sit back and think in the last thirty-two years, my sister and I have spoken for maybe four years and out of the last eleven years, only one.  Pretty sad.

It was so bad that the last time I introduced her to my friends, was in 2001 - I'll just say that she freaked out.  She went to my first wedding only because my father threatened me.  I didn't talk to her then and wasn't even introduced to my in-laws.  In the ten years I was married she came over a couple of times after Addison was born, and that was it.  She met Dean back in 2001 when we were dating, and that was it.  Was not invited to my wedding.  That has been the extent of our relationship.

I started talking to her a few months ago after hearing she was in bad shape.  I do notice a change, and have chosen forgive her, although I feel very apprehensive about it.  I sincerely do want to have a sister, but it is rendering to be very difficult.   

As I mentioned, she has been ill and was recently diagnosed bipolar.  She had major surgery back in November, and has had trouble with the recuperation.  Infections, trouble with her blood being too thin, and a few other issues.  Now... let me make something else clear, I feel that she could be making all of this worse because she is depending on at least twenty different prescription drugs including morphine and Oxycontin.  She carries two gallon sized baggies filled halfway with prescription bottles and she is only 45.  

Something is just not right.

I know that because I am so black and white, I can be a "little" rough around the edges... because I am so matter of fact, well I just blurt out the truth and how I feel and do not know how to sugar coat things well... when drama shows its ugly face my heart starts racing, I can't breathe and I just can't handle things right.  I know these qualities of mine... well let's just say that I have found my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion!

With that said, it has not been easy relating to someone that does not think logically... someone who reacts to things differently than you and I...  someone who freaks out at the weirdest things... someone who one minute tells you one thing, which is very believable, and then does not come through.

“Oυr greatest joy-аחԁ ουr greatest pain comes іח ουr relationships wіtһ others.” ~ Stephen R. Covey

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.   ~Buddha

Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship.   ~Margaret Mead

Blessings to all! 

277 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 87 ~ You Can Lead A Horse to Water...

I am very frustrated right now.  I know I have written about my mother, and mentioned very little of my sister.  Quite frankly, I don't know how I feel about all of this and I am not really ready to share.

I am trying to mend relationships, for my daughter's sake.  I wanted her to have a relationship with MY mother and MY sister.  What was I thinking?  What made me think she could have a relationship with either one of them when I have not been able to?

It has become quite frustrating for me, and possibly more than I can chew.  Not only that, but it hurts!  It hurts me so that both my mother and sister can not put their "issues" aside for Calley, let alone myself.  I am not saying this because I want to quit trying... the best way I can say this is that I can only do so much.  If the other party is not willing to meet me half way or even a quarter of the way... hopefully I have given you an idea of the frustration I am going through.

I know my mother is NOT "normal" by any standards (due to her many years of battling with mental disorders), and I do have love for her... however, her priorities, the way she handle things, and the fact that I always come last... well, it is starting to have a toll on me.  This is definitely NOT what I want my daughter to experience!

Every time I am told something is being done... yes, you got it... nothing gets done!

My sister... well there is so much to say!  What I will say is that I am trying to help her... and she seems to hear it... however...  ... ...   Exactly!!  NOTHING!!!

I was really hoping to have a relationship with her for once in my life... but up until now, it seems like I am the only one doing the work.

She has been ill ever since she went through surgery ten months ago, however, at the same time I don't really know if she wants to get well... Let alone lead a normal (what ever NORMAL is) life.

I'm told one thing one day... another thing another day... and yet another thing the following day. I just can't do this anymore.  This is very trying, weighs me down... and if this is how it is with life, how will it be with a business?!?!

My goal is to get out of the rut I am in within the next year, yet at this pace it will never happen!!

For as much as I would like a relationship with both my mother and sister, I am afraid that it is not going to happen... and with that said, I should probably cut my losses now before any more real damage is done.

Tonight, I was finally able to get a hold of my mother after five days of calling [all day long,] and I was even trying to get a hold of my sister.. but seems she will not answer my calls.  

I told my mother that I had been worried, I had been calling and even told my aunt to forward the message (which she did)... all I got was excuses.  She told me that she had to take my sister to the emergency yesterday... well that was yesterday... what about the other four days or even today?

What all of this tells me is that I can not count on either one of them to help me with life in general or even with my daughter.

For a short time I thought that just maybe I could have a relationship with my sister and mother, and I even made the mistake of allowing Calley to get close to them... YES, I call it a mistake because Calley has been making comments about them not following through and that.. "my abuelita (grandmother in Spanish), and auntie Claudia do not love me. They say they are sending me something and don't and auntie Claudia does not come see me like she said she was going to lots of times.." ... Talk about sticking a knife in my heart!!  

Now that Calley has made, and is making comments like that, it only tells me that this is affecting her too.  She is used to people doing what they say they are going to do.  This is truly heart wrenching!  It is what I tried to avoid!  It can not go on any longer and must stop, for Calley's sake.

I thought that it may be different this time around... however...you can't teach an old dog new tricks!

So now I am left with a difficult path ahead of me... I guess one way of looking at this is...  I should be used to being alone by now;  my mother has never been around when I needed her (this is a fine example), and my sister and I have never had a relationship, let alone a healthy one.  It's been like this all of my forty-eight years, why should it be any different now?  

Alone I will continue to be.  I have to "buck up" and get to work!  

Soo... if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!!

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.  ~  Unknown Author

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, it might have been.     ~  John Greenleaf Whittie

If we never felt sorrow, we'd never recognize bliss.  At this rate I should be in a fiull state of bliss for the rest of my days.  ~  Dennis Quaid

Words and hearts should be handled with care... for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair.    ~  Unknown Author

Blessings to all! 

278 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 81 ~ Nana... Thank You For Leading The Way

Today our family gained a new guardian angel.  Rest in peace Nana... you will truly be missed.

Frances ~  daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, widowed wife, mother of two, grandmother of four plus two, plus four, great-grandmother of nine.  First woman CPA for the State of Texas, first woman Vice-President of an El Paso bank.  A petite woman who directed men twice her size.  Full of spunk and wisdom, joy and faith... a woman who stood by her family just as much as she loved them.  A woman full of drive and vision... style and etiquette... and a woman who made sure to pass these traits on to her family.  Jesus was her Savior. 

My mother in law, Gene ~ mom, as I call her, shared the best story about her mom with me today...the best I ever heard...

While away at college, Frances would send her all the latest fashionista magazines.. cosmopolitan, vogue, etc.. each month.. and each month Frances would take the time to circle pictures of outfits she liked, and then the ones she didn't.. she would write little notes on the pictures of those girls who were dressed too provocatively and state something to the effect of it let men know that they had one thing in mind, and it wasn't school!

~   ~   ~

After an emotionally exhausting day... I sit here and take a deep breath... once again I have come face to face with reality and have learned another one of life's lesson...  Seriously, we are here on borrowed time... and what we do with the time is entirely up to us... in the end, our lives are reduced to a mere pile of photographs, which then become the memories to others.  Why not make it count? 

My Mom found following verse handwritten by Frances on a piece of her note paper...

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.     ~  II Timothy 4:7

Blessings to all!!

284 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.