Day 260 ~ Birthdays... My Favorite Days!

All my life I have loved birthdays!!  Be it mine, a family member's or even friends and acquaintances... I love celebrating birthdays!!  I'm really good at remembering birthdays... wink, wink.

Your birthday is your special day.  The one day a year that you should be allowed to do anything you like, or not.  The one day that you are queen for a day or princess, or you are treated like a king or one in training if that's the case.  You definitely should be able to have your favorite dishes for your meals, all in moderation of course.  All in all you should be able to do what you want (in moderation) and have your special day!

What I love to do as my special gift, is bake my family member or friend their favorite cake or dessert, from scratch of course.  I am merely motivated by the fact that it is their special day, that and I love watching them enjoy their birthday cake.  Big smile.

From Tres Leches to Cheese Cake, Red Velvet Cake, Triple Chocolate Cake and more!

At home, you will get your favorite meals all day long!  BIG SMILE!!  Along with red-carpet treatment!

As I've mentioned before, for some reason I am in the dog house with my youngest son.  (I have no clue whatsoever why I am not being spoken too... BIG SAD FACE! and Living more than 1,700 miles away from my sons doesn't help our situation any, either.)  Today was his twenty-first birthday.   I would have LOVED to have made him his favorite foods, cake, and giving him his special day!      

Today as heart wrenching as it was, I did have some insight and a new perspective at looking at life.  The quote... If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to do so.... hits too close to home!  And when you think about it and the person that doesn't want you in their life is your child... one word... O U C H ! ! ! !  

However, I also read a wonderful post today... and what great timing too!  The Mom Journal's post was so inspirational!  I discovered through her post that I have been behaving like a carrot lately and I need to be coffee beans!  I'm sure you are thinking I am crazy right about now, but if you can take a few minutes, five at most, and read her post.  It'll be the best five minutes ever.

I know I have to toughen up... it's been a tough journey doing so... and I know there is always room for improvement!  But seriously... when faced with adversity, there are times that I just buckle!  I weaken... and my sons are one of those times.  This is where I behave like a carrot... place it in boiling water and twenty minutes later you have soft carrots.

It's just been such a  fragile relationship with both my sons, always wanting to do the right thing.. questioning myself constantly, worried constantly on what is going on... not only has it been exhausting, but it has been a long row to hoe!  

All I have ever wanted and want, was and is the best for my sons, so much so that I have made what turned out to be bad decisions for all of us... BUT THAT IS ALL IN THE PAST!!  And what does that mean?  I can not do anything about it... However... I can do the best I can from here on out!

I'm going to start growing some beans and behave like coffee!  Yup!  After twenty minutes in boiling water... you get strong coffee!!  wink, wink.

Basically the moral of the story is that given the same bad situation, what matters is how you handle yourself in the face of adversity.  You can "soften" up or you can make "strong coffee"!  

In honor of mothers everywhere...

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:   ~  Proverbs 31:28  (NIV) 

Blessings to all!!

105 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  Happy Birthday Logan... I love you so much! 

Some images courtesy of google images.  Others are marked accordingly, and are property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back Life ~ Making It My Own, this blog.   All U.S Copyright laws apply.   ©

Day 258 ~ Finding "Good" in the Past

Today I spent most of my day on an emotional roller coaster... some brief moments of sadness and other moments filled with gratitude.  I mean very brief moments of sadness... the moment something would come to mind, you would find me shaking it off the next.

My youngest son has been on my mind lately, more so than just being in my daily prayers... in two days, Thursday, the 23rd of February, will be his twenty-first birthday.  

Needless to say, "my life" of twenty-one years ago was on my mind today.

In his twenty- one years, my son has been through an emotional roller coaster himself.  All the unnecessary trials and tribulations that his father's divorce from me was putting our family through, were not ones that a child needs to witness.  Which is not what I wanted his childhood to be about.  

What certainly does not help how I feel is that for the past nine months, and nearly two years before that... my son and my relationship has not been what it should be...  I will not give up on how I want my life to be... which includes all my children in it... never.

So... the moment a memory would come to mind, a sad thought, I would think of a positive counter-thought... and that would be the end of that.

I needed to remind myself that was the past.  And what about the "past'?!  We can not do anything about it.  It is in the past!  Rather than turning my back on the past and completely putting it out of mind, I find the good in it, learn from it, and realize that those experiences have made me... and made me stronger.

Though twenty-one years ago I was going through some trials and tribulations myself, (marriage was already very unsteady and rocky) God literally blessed me with my son... and for that I will climb the highest mountains... go through trials and tribulations... I would do it all over again!

I love you son... to the moon and stars above!

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.  ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Blessings to all!!

107 days to go...

PS... for a, l and c.  You are my sunshine(s).

Some images courtesy of google images.  Others are marked accordingly, and are property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back Life ~ Making It My Own, this blog.   All U.S Copyright laws apply.   ©

Day 185 ~ A Christmas Note To My Sons

Calley loves wearing
Nana's 'cowgirl' hat

This time of the year is such a magical time of the year.  People are kinder, more giving and thoughtful.  There's hustle and bustle, shopping and wrapping, the proverbial crossing of names on your shopping list, all as you get ready to travel home for the holidays.  Or you could be like me... one who is preparing their home for family to arrive.  However, not everyone is as blessed.

For those of you who have suffered a recent loss... we too have suffered one.  This is our first Christmas without our 'Nana' and feel a great loss as well.    Regardless, family always comes to mind and heart, this time of year.  Our prayers are with you all.

For me, the holidays make me miss my sons even more than any other time of the year.  Not only does this time of year bring to mind all the time we have spent apart, but the missed opportunities of growing closer as a family, as well as the love and respect felt being in one another's lives.  Not to mention the many Christmases spent away from one another.  My heart aches for my sons. 

I remember being around eighteen years old. Motherhood was the furthest thing from my mind.  Truth be told, it scared me half to death.  I just knew I wasn't ready, and that I needed to grow... I was aware that I was barely a young adult.

My Baby BUMP!
 (my heart & I have a big smile)

And came the day that not only was I more than ready, but I was going to be a mommy.  Whether I learned of my first, second, or even third baby was to bless my life... I was so happy.  I felt so wonderful.  I began to bond with each of my babies right away, confiding  in them, as well as including them in every decision in my life from then on.

I remember being twenty-four and pregnant with Addison,  and going for drives, just so I could talk with him (to my belly.)  Logan was no different, I would even drive around the corner of where we lived, and I'd just sit in my car for hours talking to both he and Addison (who by this time was three and a half years old and I, a mere twenty-eight.)  We would make BIG plans.  

As many mommies, I fell in love with my children at first kick!  if not sooner.

Time went by and life happened... decisions were made... some are stood by and some... well let's just say that they were paid for.  All in all, no matter what, my love for you, my children grows stronger every day.  As time goes by, the void in my heart may grow darker... but the faith I have will never allow me to give up hope that one day we will be together once again.

I love you to the moon and stars above!

In the meantime, I will use this time to grow stronger as a person, wiser as a mother, and understanding and forgiving of those who have brought harm our way.

I was given a gift from my dear friend Alysia, and it reads as follows...

Life is not about finding yourself... Life is about creating yourself   ~ author unknown

  

Blessings to all!!

180 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 183 ~ The Innocence Of A Little Sister's Love

Looks like from here on out that my days are numbered (with this blog.)  Today is the second part of my half-way point... being that today I am on day 183, and I have 182 to go (yesterday it was day 182 and 183 to go.)  Unless it is leap year, my half-way point won't be equal.  I know that just sounded so elementary, and why I wrote that last line I have no clue!  LOL! and why I am even leaving it in, is more of a wonder.    Oh brother, I crack myself up!   Such a goof-ball!!  ... BTW ... my blog reached 8,000 views today!  WOWser! In awe here.

Love this picture of Goofy
courtesy of Disney clipart

Being a goof-ball... even saying that reminds me of when my boys were six and three we thought it would be funny if we (I) got a personalized license plate frame for my car that said... "Addison & Logan's Goofy Mom".


Now that my boys are more or less men, I wonder how embarrassing that was for them when I still had that license plate frame on my car when they were fourteen and eleven.  Sorry boys.  I never meant to embarrass you.  It's just that I was, and am so proud to be your mom... regardless of the way things have been and are at the present time.


Going down my own memory lane, I so lovingly remember the Christmases I had with my boys.  The movie marathons we would have (from the "Back to The Future" series, to the countless "Teenage Ninja Turtle" shows) ... the cookies we would make and leave for Santa; and all the singing and decorating we would do.


I hope to continue making Christmas memories with Calley, as I did with them.  I only wish for Calley, that she would be able to one day enjoy her brothers too.  


Today Calley shared with me what she wanted to get me... 

Calley...   "Mommy... you know what?"

Me...   "No, my nuggies, what?"   (one of her many nicknames Dean and I have for her)

Calley...   "I want to buy you a BIG house with three floors." 

Me...   "A three story house?!"

Calley...   "Yes!  You, me and Daddy will live on the first floor, and Addison will have the second floor and Logan can live on the third floor.  That way we can be a happy BIG family." 

Oh my GOSH!! This absolutely brought tears to my eyes!  The love that Calley has for her brothers is just amazing.  She has only seen Addison twice and Logan once in person.  However, the love she feels for them is as if she is with them everyday.  Which, unfortunately, truth be told, she does not.

courtesy of Bing images

The day that I can have all my children together, will be a day I will treasure forever!  Until then I will continue to tell Calley stories of her brothers growing up.  


If she is not talking about them constantly, she will want what they like.  She does not just ask for carrots and ranch dressing, she asks for Logan's favorite salad when he was a little boy.  She does not just ask for (pickled) ginger, she asks for Addison's favorite eat-the-entire-jar-in-a-single-sitting vegetable (root).  When she get's in trouble, I will ask her why she did something and she will reply because she misses her brothers.  (She knows how to work it!)  She even asks me to sing to her the sunshine song I used to sing to her brothers when they were little.  Everything is about her brothers!


I hope that one day Addison and Logan will get to know the amazing little sister that they have.  They are truly missing out on the joyous moments she has to give them.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

~ Words and Music by Jimmie Davis and Charles Mitchell 1940

  

Blessings to all!!

182 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 100 ~ Where is the Light Switch?

It's been one hundred days since I started blogging... I've taken a look back at my blog and seen how much it has evolved.  

A few days ago I was so excited and filled with anticipation...

However... because of the different things that have transpired in the past few days... I now find myself in a very dark place.


I find it so hard to believe, how for some people the sky can fall on top of them... but somehow they find the strength, courage and drive to move on with their lives.


As I sit here and cry while I write my post, I ask you .... How do you do it?  Where do you find the strength, even the courage to move forward?


I am really trying very hard to let go of my past... at least the parts of it that haunt me.  


As a start, I have to accept that my expectations of what my mother should be, are not only too high, but she is not capable of filling those shoes.  However, those shoes I will fill for my daughter and sons.  As for everything else to do with this... it is now in a balloon.

2003 ~ Seattle, Wa

Logan; oh my beautiful child... I pray that God will guide you to do the right things in life, and that maybe one day [soon] you will return to me.


I pray that I can find the strength and courage to walk out of this darkness I have become so accustomed to... 


I have desires, and goals I want to meet.  I just hope that something will happen soon, and my heart will light up once again.


One thing is for sure, I won't give up... I know somehow, somewhere and at some point I will find that darn light switch.

I know I am worth healing.   ~  Louise L. Hay

As I love and accept myself exactly as I am, right here and right now with all my so-called flaws and imperfections, I find it easier to accept others in the same way.  I am learning to release the  need to control others and allow them the freedom to be who they are.  I am learning to create peace within and am doing the best I can with the understanding, knowledge, and awareness that I have at this time.  ~ Louise L. Hay

 

Blessings to all!!


265 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 98 ~ Logan... A True Blessing

Mommy & Addison 1989

It was 1990 and my life was somewhat complicated.  I was twenty-seven years old, and had been taking part in a one sided marriage for over four years... (meaning I was the one married- and he was still... playing the field)... the blessing of it all... was that I had a beautiful two and a half year old little boy, I called Addison.

My marriage was going through troubles; I came home one day to find my home had been emptied and forced into a separation that lasted for six months. (What a p.o.s.- he moved out while I was at work!)  I had always told myself that until I could honestly look at myself in the mirror and honestly say I gave it my all, that I would stick it out..


A couple of months later, I had arranged a birthday party for Addison's third birthday at Chuck E Cheese, and it was there that my aunt and uncle had put a bug in my ear... they mentioned that I had a glow about me and that I looked pregnant.


Shortly after my aunt and uncle's suspicion was confirmed... I found out I was pregnant with my second baby... a complete surprise... a blessing in my eyes!!  So this told me to give our marriage another change. 

Becoming overwhelmed with joy with wanting to share the beautiful news with the man I loved, the man thought I would spend the rest of my life with, the father of my children... his response..."WHAT! Are you trying to trap me? You planned this!?" on and on... after a while I was numb to what he was saying.  RED FLAG NUMBER ONE!!

What! was he stupid or something!?  We had already been married nearly five years and already had a beautiful little boy... Trapped? What an idiot!!


Oh my... I can not even begin to tell you all the thoughts that were going through my mind... my mind was going a mile a minute with overwhelming thoughts.  Let's just say that this conversation did not end pretty... and if anything it should have taken notice to RED FLAG NUMBER TWO!!


Compared to my being pregnant with Addison... this pregnancy was the most horrible experience I went through!  with the exception of having Addison by my side.


Bret was so much a part of my first pregnancy; talking to the baby; playing with my belly; going to all my doctor appointments, etc..


When it came to my pregnancy with Logan... All I can say it that I thank God for Addison!!  If it wasn't for my sweet little boy, I would have gone through it alone!, Bret called me fat, made excuses for not going to doctor appointments, never touched my belly or talked to it... however I later found out that he had plenty of time for extra curricular activities! and his attention was going elsewhere.

As time went on... Addison, well let's just say he was my bestest friend ever!  It wasn't about me having another baby, it was about Addison becoming a big brother!  He went to all my Obstetrical/Gynecological (OBGYN) appointments with me- when appropriate of course.  :)  He was there for the first time we saw our new family baby, first heartbeat and even when we found out he was to have a "little brother"!

When I was about five months pregnant, Addison and I had been looking at baby names in one of those books with well over 20,000 names..!!  for his little brother, and we came across "Logan" .... strangest thing then happened, Bret came home moments later he was telling us that he had seen the coolest name at the gym... "Logan"....  Guess what LOGAN it is!!!  


As a side note, Bret tried changing Logan's name several time, and Addison and I said NO!  Our baby is Logan!

Literally, the next day, I had been doing laundry... came across an infamous "little black book"... and as all good wives would do, I read it... RED FLAG NUMBER THREE!!

After a few hours of getting my thoughts straight, I found myself having having a very enlightening and lengthy conversation with this lovely lady... I came to find out that Bret had told her that Bret and I had been separated for months, about to divorce, and that I would not allow him to see our son except for every other weekend,- I even went as far as sharing with her that we were expecting child number two!  RED FLAG NUMBER FOUR!!


When I called him out on it when he got home from work...Can you believe it, eventually, in his defense, somehow in his crazy mind, he said it was my fault that he had his "little black book"

ONE WORD---->  WOW!!!

After all, at this point, I was five months pregnant with Logan, and we were making plans to move into a bigger home in Valencia.

Addison 5 and Logan 1-1/2

This was not the first incident like this... once we moved to Valencia and Logan had just turned one, I found out that Bret had been having six month relationship (which I later found out he continued it for another year, including having dinner with her parents, fixing their cars..etc) with another woman, who by the way could care less that he was married and had two children... RED FLAG NUMBER FIVE!!

Three months later, I ignorantly made the decision that we should go ahead and move to Seattle....  S T U P I D --->   S T U P I D ---->  S T U P I D !!! It only continued there!  Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater!

By the time Logan was two, we had filed for divorce... even with the experience of my own parent's divorce, seeing things I swore I would not do....  

Addison 19, Logan 15, Calley in belly
Mother's Day 2006

Bret on the other hand did not allow anything to stop him... all he cared about was destroying me, my relationship with my boys... parent alienation, perjury, getting his neighbors to lie, friends to lie, sabotaging my car, getting me fired from a job, lying to my children, brainwashing my children.... and so much more...

Why do I bring this up tonight.... well, I have not been able to speak to my son.  He does not answer my calls or texts.  Does not return calls.  Does not call when he says he is going to.

Something is wrong,  A mother knows.  I feel it.  I feel it in my heart. 

Dear Lord;  I am giving you my son, Logan.  I ask that you watch over him.  Be his conscious, help him do right and turn his back to all wrongdoing that comes in his path.  Please soften his heart and place good Christian, positive people in his path and his heart.  

Logan, without you in my life, a big part of my heart, soul and life is missing.  Without you in my life, I am not complete. 

A Prayer for my Son

 Almighty God,

Watch over my child.

In an age of violence, teach him peace.
Fill his soul with harmony rather than discord.
Protect him from injury, harm and sudden death at the hands of others.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
In an age of materialism, selfishness, and greed,
Let him see beyond the things of this world so that he may see a glimpse of things spiritual.
Let him value others above himself.
Let him seek wisdom above wealth.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
In an age of lust, let him know love.
In an age of gratification, let him know restraint.
Keep him sexually chaste and self controlled.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
As he grows, guide him.
As he stumbles, hold him.
In his times of anger, love him.
In his times of fear, touch him.
In his times of foolishness, teach him.
When he strays from your path, retrieve your lost sheep.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
Do not grant all the desires of his heart,
But grant all the needs of his soul.
Let him know sacrifice and discipline
So that he may know strength and faith.
As gold is placed in fire to be refined,
Give my child pain and suffering
So that he may lose those things in his heart and mind that are harmful to his soul.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
Give him love for the beauty of the world you have made.
Give him love for the family and friends.
Give him love for the stranger in his midst.
And above all, give him love for you,
That he may know you,
Serve you,
And glorify you.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
Forgive his parents when they have failed in the nurture of this child,
And quiet their worries and fears.
May they, trusting in your love for their child,
find rest and peace in the knowledge that you are with him.

Amen.

Blessings to all!!


267 days / 38 weeks to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.