Day 478 ~ All It Takes Is Faith

I've been really busy lately with all the preparations for my BIG Reveal (17 days and counting)...  making sure my vision is translated into reality... crossing all "t"'s and dotting all my "i"'s... laying out all my plans... setting up my objectivity... and most importantly... getting my {supporting} team together.

You see I want to do this right.  I want the foundation of my idea to be solid, so that anything we build on it will be very well supported.  

I do not want to make any mistakes and more importantly I do not want anything to go wrong.  I do not want anything to rain on my parade.  But above all... I do not want to fail.

After mentioning to {another one of} my friend{s} that I "didn't want to jinx anything," she too had some enlightening words for me that went hand in hand with what Kristen had said to me just days earlier.

"What gives you uncertainty?"  "Why do you have doubt?" Alysia asked me.

"Every time I have had something good going on for me, something has come up or someone has let me down and ruined it all. ... Plus, I do not want to fail"

"If something was to happen, something came up, could we not just change direction.  Do something differently?  Redirect?" 

As I processed her question and thought about it, I almost felt like an idiot when the answer was obviously so simple...  "Yes, we could."  I finally answered.

"Okay.  So if something comes up, we figure it out and keep going.  We are going to do this.  All you need is a little faith."

She left me at a loss for words. 

After I finished my conversation with Alysia it seemed as if the cloud that had been lingering over my head, following me everywhere {for what seemed to be an eternity} just vanished.  The sun appeared brighter than I have ever seen before!!

"FAITH."

She hit the nail on the head.

Funny how one word... one five letter word can light up your world.

Alysia hit the bull's eye on center!  She could not have been more right even if she tried.  The answer could not have been more simple if I had imagined it myself!  Having been knocked down so many times in my life... well I have to be honest... faith has been hard to come by.

faith noun \ˈfāth\

1a : allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty

b (1) : fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions

2a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2): complete trust

3 : something that is believed especially with strong conviction;especially : a system of religious beliefs

I honestly think know that faith has been "the" missing ingredient in my life for quite some time now.  I don't know if it's my controlling nature (I learned this as a survival technique when I discovered that I had no one to help me with anything) or the diminished trust I have for others.

My problem is that I have to cut the purse strings.  Meaning... I need to trust God.  I need to completely let go and let God.  Surrender.

After all, how can anything go wrong when you have God on your side?  

Surrender to God All-Powerful! You will find peace and prosperity. ~Job 22:21

With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgment. 6Always let him lead you, and he will clear the road for you to follow. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

I am second..

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright Laws apply.

Day 103 ~ Dimmer Switch Gets A Little Brighter

As the saying goes... Art Imitating Life, or is it Life Imitating Art?  

Why someone would choose to follow a story(ies) for over three decades is beyond me!!  

Oh... I'm sure I am not alone on this... I have been hooked on All My Children, One Life to Live and General Hospital since I was in high school... Hello, my name is Carla and I am a soapaholic!  

In one way or another, I have grown up with these soaps.  I have learned from them and laughed at them... I have gotten mad at them and turned them off for months... only to come back to see that life had not changed... not for them and not for me.

Now after nearly forty-two years, this week is the last week that ABC's All My Children will air on television.  One Life to Live will go off air in January of 2012.  Did find out from one of my friends that both shows will continue online.  After further investigation on my part, both shows were purchased by Prospect Park, which will continue to produce and air the shows online.  That's about as much as I know, now anyways.

Anyway, I mentioned art imitating life or visa-versa... whilst watching AMC today, and balling my eyes, for a good part of the show, with the good-byes starting, and the story lines ending ever so bitter-sweetly... some of the lines spoken whilst looking back on their television lives... took me on the same journey with my own life.

Yes... while walking down memory lane I see that life has taken its swings at me, and then, I have made my own mistakes and a few good choices too...  and in some instances it may have taken me a while, but I have learned from my experiences... both good and bad.

SO... today, as the dimmer switch went on a little higher.  I took a good long look at myself and the dark cloud that has been hovering over me.  Which is the loss and lack of relationship with my sons... I realized that since I lost them nearly eighteen years ago, all my decisions and actions have been based because of this loss, or with this loss hovering above me all the while lingering and darkening my heart.

I wish you could understand it...  how I feel I mean... maybe you do?... loosing my boys was like loosing my life... It wasn't like I lost them to death and that's it... they stop living and you don't have them anymore, except for memories.  They were alive, out there living their lives without me, without their mother... and I do not care what anyone says... a child needs their mother!  [This is with the understanding that we are talking about a good mother.]

Their father did everything in his power to alienate them from me and poison their minds.  I made the mistake of moving back home at a time in my life that I was drinking a lot and felt that I could not allow them to see me in that light... and that maybe being closer to my parents would help since they were getting older themselves.

Something my son said to me the other day when I asked him what if I moved back to the northwest near he and his brother... He reminded me that he has plans, as does his brother, and it would not be like it was when he was twelve... and that if I wanted to do something like that I had to think of myself, do it for myself.  Right then, at that moment, the light went on... I had lost my boys and I would never get them back.  

My sons are gone, and grown... and all I can do now is pray that God will watch over them and guide them, and put a wonderful girl in their paths that will help them do good, live good and be happy.  

The time has come for me to allow myself to mourn the loss of my sons, and with it the hope they would come back to me one day.  That time is gone forever, for now they are men and have their own lives to live.  With that I hope that they always know that my heart and my door will always be open to them when they are ready to know me.

NOW... What I do have is my daughter.  God has given me within her, the opportunity to be the mother she deserves.  I have also been given the opportunity to live up to the mom I was and wanted to be for my sons.  Calley deserves a happy life, the life I always wanted, the life I always wanted to give my boys... I will give it to her.

I also have to be grateful for my husband... for as many lows as I have gone through because of my loss... my ups and downs... probably more downs than anything... he still is beside me.  I love you Dino!

I have given myself permission to mourn the loss of my boys, accept the fact that I will never have them back again, for they are now grown.  I leave the rest in God's hands, along with my faith in him for what he sees me fit to do... which is raise my little girl with all the love she deserves to be raised with.  The rest is as they say... is in His hands.

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.  ~William Shakespeare

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.     ~From the television show The Wonder Years

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown 

Blessings to all!!


262 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.   

Day 100 ~ Where is the Light Switch?

It's been one hundred days since I started blogging... I've taken a look back at my blog and seen how much it has evolved.  

A few days ago I was so excited and filled with anticipation...

However... because of the different things that have transpired in the past few days... I now find myself in a very dark place.


I find it so hard to believe, how for some people the sky can fall on top of them... but somehow they find the strength, courage and drive to move on with their lives.


As I sit here and cry while I write my post, I ask you .... How do you do it?  Where do you find the strength, even the courage to move forward?


I am really trying very hard to let go of my past... at least the parts of it that haunt me.  


As a start, I have to accept that my expectations of what my mother should be, are not only too high, but she is not capable of filling those shoes.  However, those shoes I will fill for my daughter and sons.  As for everything else to do with this... it is now in a balloon.

2003 ~ Seattle, Wa

Logan; oh my beautiful child... I pray that God will guide you to do the right things in life, and that maybe one day [soon] you will return to me.


I pray that I can find the strength and courage to walk out of this darkness I have become so accustomed to... 


I have desires, and goals I want to meet.  I just hope that something will happen soon, and my heart will light up once again.


One thing is for sure, I won't give up... I know somehow, somewhere and at some point I will find that darn light switch.

I know I am worth healing.   ~  Louise L. Hay

As I love and accept myself exactly as I am, right here and right now with all my so-called flaws and imperfections, I find it easier to accept others in the same way.  I am learning to release the  need to control others and allow them the freedom to be who they are.  I am learning to create peace within and am doing the best I can with the understanding, knowledge, and awareness that I have at this time.  ~ Louise L. Hay

 

Blessings to all!!


265 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 73 ~ With Implementation There Are Goals...

I feel as I am on the right track now.

courtesy of Bing images

After a few changes, (I even dove into my Feng Shui books for a little placement assistance,) and I am feeling so much better.

I am starting to come to the determination that as long as I do not give something much thought, other than initial processing, acceptance, and implementation measures, and go for it!... this is the key with me.

The moment I start to think about something... it turns into dwelling on something...  I end up beating it to death and get nowhere!  and so far that has not worked for me.

One of my favorite Albert Einstein quotes comes to mind...

courtesy of Bing images

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

There's a reason as to how and why this quote hits home with many of us... maybe because it is proven absolutely correct by millions of people on a daily basis... 

Sooooo...

The buck stops here!!!  Crazy I'm not, and I am not stupid either!!

It's time to start putting a different twist to my life... as the ol' saying goes...

It's never too late to be who you might have been.  ~  George Eliot

Just for today, no matter where I am going, or what I am doing, or who I am doing it with, it is my intention to focus on the positive.   ~Lucy MacDonald

Blessings to all!!

292 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 69 ~ On Goes The Light!

I can't believe the fact that I have been sitting here for the last hour and a half wondering what I am to write about... going back and forth between games on Facebook and staring at the beginning of my blog - with a blank stare of course.

I do have something to share with you... a sort of revelation on my part.

Today was our semi-monthly appointment with Calley's therapist.  Psychologist.  We started going to him because of behavior issues we were having with Calley.  Funny thing, it's not Calley.  What I mean is that... sure she needs [almost] constant stimulation and if she doesn't get it, well, she starts going nuts!  LOL!  Just kidding!! LOL!!.. No, but really... Calley gets bored.  Then, if she gets bored, well that's when she starts getting into trouble.  (will elaborate more on this subject at a later date.) 

courtesy of Bing images

I told Dr. Jesus, " I have realized that I need to let go a little.  I have to plan everything out, and when it doesn't go down perfect... I loose it! ~  I  have to stop and breathe and let go of things and accept that for right now, things won't be perfect.

I could not believe what I had said... It was as if a LIGHT BULB turned on!  I mean, it was as if my mouth had a mind of its own and THEN my brain decided to join the party and get clued in!  

My George, I think she's got it!!!

Why didn't I think of that myself!!  (sarcasm!)  LOL!

No, seriously... I could not believe what I had said... let go and accept that life is not perfect!

So... when I start freaking out that things aren't done... cleaned, mowed, cooked or I'm ten minutes behind schedule... I will have to remember...  let go... life's not perfect!   As if that will be easy!  ;) (wink wink)

The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.  ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Positive thoughts are not enough. There have to be positive feelings and positive actions.

Believe you can and you’re half way there. – Theodore Roosevelt 

          

Blessings to all!!

296 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.