Day 452 ~ You "Live" You "Learn"

So... I was sitting here minding my own business and on comes Alanis Morissette on the tele (British for tv- LOL!) [oh I feel a funny, silly mood coming on- warning, warning!] ... you know she had all that great depressing music out in the mid 90s... all the whilst I was going through my divorce. ~ I must add.

No but seriously, as depressing her music may have been... Hold the bus! let's stop the bus here! ... Maybe "depressing" isn't the most positive description of her music... "Life" is a better description, that's if we can use "Life" as an adjective.  

So... Alanis comes on.  She looks awesome by the way, a little more grown up, but looks great!   Come to find out that besides having a life, she is a postpartum depression survivor and maybe that's why we really haven't heard all that much from her- well maybe not as much as some may have wanted.  Keep moving forward Alanis!!

Sorry about that A.D.D. moment there, but allow me to get back to my point... lol!!  I am cracking myself up right now! [I did warn you, right?]  

After singing one of her latest songs Guardian on her newly released CD Havoc and Bright Lights, she sung an old favorite... You Learn on her first [1995] released cd Jagged Little Pill ...

Well I had an epiphany!  I can not tell you how many times I have listened to that song since its release in the summer of 1996... and I FINALLY GOT IT!!

You see I had been listening to that song when I had been depressed, always listening to it the same way... from the same darkness in my heart.  {and} always with the same ending result... my crying.  

I don't know.  I guess I really never really "listened" to the lyrics.  I would hear the first line, and the words 

"...  I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone..."

and I would start thinking about everything wrong in my life and ball my eyes out for the remainder of the song- which would be the entire song!

Today, I listened to her song for the very first time from a good place.  I, for the first time ever, did not start to cry.  I, did not start thinking about sad things.

I, on the other hand focused on the music and lyrics I was listening to...

"...You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn...

...You grieve you learn

You choke you learn

You laugh you learn

You choose you learn

You pray you learn

You ask you learn

You live you learn..."

My epiphany... I have lived... and I have learned!  Yes I did it!!  Good job Carla!  

I get it.

Doesn't matter the outcome of anything... the fact is... good or bad ... I learned.  

I always thought that Alanis looked, wrote and sang everything from a cynical point of view... she's not cynical.  She has only written about life.  So simple that if not looked at with good light it can be construed as cynicism.  Life doesn't need to be complicated.

Thank you Alanis.  

"It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.”  ~Matthew 15:11  (ESV) 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  ~Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.  ~Romans 12:2 (ESV)

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

I am second..

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright Laws apply.

Day 207 ~ Heaven Gets A New Angel

At times life has a funny way of reminding you know that you aren't in charge.  You can plan all you want,  but if life wants to step in... it will.

Unbeknownst to my husband and I, life was happening while we were sleeping in the wee hours of  Saturday, the 31st of December.  When we had gone to bed the night before, it had been no different than any other night... my next day had already been planned as any other day.  New Year's eve was going to be perfect.  But as I said before... life has a funny way of stepping in when it needs to.  You see our family had been trying to get a hold of us for hours... yet both of our phones were off.  

Our sleep came to an abrupt end when our dogs woke us with their barking.  At first I thought there was a cat in our yard or something, but when Shelby, my little yorkie, started with her high pitch whaling... I knew something was up.

Dean returned confused.  A neighbor friend came by saying mom and dad called him.  They had been trying to get a hold of us for hours.  No sooner he said that, we were both checking our phones.  When I saw that not only mom had called, but our cousin did as well... I knew Grandma passed away.

We had less than a half hour, more or less a ten minute drive and we had to get dressed, brush our teeth, at least wash our faces and get out the door before the funeral home was to pick Grandma Betty up.

When Nana passed, Dean and I decided that Calley was old enough to not be shielded from death.  Now that I give it some thought, if both Nana and Grandma had not passed away in such a loving environment, in their homes, and instead a sterile hospital, we would have decided differently.  We decided not to push Calley and to allow her to say good bye however she wanted to.

Calley, kissed both her Great Grandmothers good bye ever so lovingly ... knowing that both were now home with Jesus and their beloved husbands and families.

Then it was my turn.  As I said my good byes to Grandma, all my memories of her rushed before my eyes.  I saw her life play before me.  

What a beautiful life.

Beatrice Richards Karam

August 31st, 1917  ~  December 31st, 2011

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways    ~ Psalm 91:11 

Blessings to all!!

158 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent or protect me from the guilty.  (just kidding...wink, wink)

Picture credits... images are property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  Copyright laws apply.

Day 203 ~ A Message For Someone In Need

Did you ever see a love one falling and want to pick them up.  Or you see an accident about to happen and you cringe at the sight.  As an outsider to another person's life, we sometimes witness self harm by others and want to help... even wonder as to why someone would inflict pain upon themselves, slowly even killing themselves in the process?  What would you do?  What would you say?

This is my message...

I sit here looking back on our time together after so many, many years... so many years of turmoil... so many years of being at odds... so many years of being played against one another... and I am saddened.

Life's experiences leave a "mark" on a person.  Not only that, but you can even say that each experience changes a person just a bit each time.  Whether good or bad, life's experiences makes us who we are. and/or rather who we end up being.

However, we are given choices.  At each moment in our lives, we are free to make choices.    Down to the toilet paper we use.  You know what? Sometimes we are even given too many choices.  We, as citizens of the United States, pretty much can make decisions for ourselves.  We are very fortunate to have the choice of how we want to live as well.  Now I know other variables come into play, but let's just keep this simple.

Now... generally speaking, there are life's boundaries, parameters, rules, laws... however or whatever you want to call it... bottom line being, we need to be respective of one another, and of one self.  We can't harm one another or one self, either.  If someone was hurting someone else or even themselves, what would you do?  If I heard or saw something violent or harmful, I would call for help.

I see the sadness in your eyes...  I see the loneliness...  I see the pain...  I see life's "marks" on you.  I also see bad choices.  I see how those bad choices affect our life together, time spent together or lack of it.

When I realized that expectations were made by all for time to be spent together, and that I could not control the choices you made, I was saddened even more.  On top of that, I discovered that I became a tad angry because I really did want that time together~  quality time.

Excuses can be made and stories are changed each time they are told, but a person's actions speak loud and clear and are seen by all.  There were moments of our time together that brought a smile to my face.  A moment that I saw  a strong willed, beautiful giving person.  However the time was short lived.  It was evident that a choice was made which transformed your being and your spirit.

I pray that you find the courage to see what has been seen by all, before everything golden that has been gained, is lost.  I pray that you find the faith to believe that YOU do have the strength within yourself to do anything you set your mind to.

Choose to live.  Choose to love.  Choose to experience life as it should be, embracing life's treasures as you experience them.  Choose to have faith and hope.  Choose to give it to the Lord.

But whatever you do... foremost above all, do choose to do it for yourself, for your happy self.

With all my love and faith... 

That is what I have to say.

Excuses can be made and stories are changed each time they are told, but a person's actions speak loud and clear, and are seen by all.  ~ Carla Barila Karam

Blessings to all!!

162 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent or protect me from the guilty.  (just kidding...wink, wink)

Picture credits... images are property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back My Life ~ Making it My Own.  Copy right laws apply.

Day 127 ~ A Gift From God

Five years ago, a long time wish of mine came true... my daughter was born.

Leading up to this day, I remember several times being at my wits' end... I remember as if it was yesterday... I was crying... praying... to Jesus... feeling as if I had no hope... feeling that my biggest desire would never come true... I remember thinking ...  "I guess this is it... I will never know what it will be to be a mother of a little girl... you know what is best for me dear Lord..."

Before I knew it...

The day came that my daughter would be born... so many things happened that day... first off we were told to be at the hospital by 2:00pm only to find out that my doctor, Dr. Cooper, who also delivered both of my sons... and YES he was still alive... had made a mistake and should have told us to be at the hospital by 6:00pm.  We were given the option to come back the next day... however, Dean and I had decided that in my father's memory, we wanted our little girl to be born on her grandfather's birthday, who had passed away when Mommy was four and a half months pregnant.

Once our little girl was born... our world was complete... Daddy was ever so protective over the both of us... and did not leave us alone that night, not even for a minute.

Daddy had gotten so grouchy... it did not help that the maternity wing was all being re-designed and re-built, under construction.  Therefore, our room did not have the normal amenities that it should have had... all we wanted was a bed or chair for our daddy.

Regardless... as far as we were concerned... we were complete... our family was complete.

Thank you Jesus!

Rejoice with your family in the beautiful land of life!  ~Albert Einstein

Family:  A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.  ~Evan Esar 

You don't choose your family.  They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.  ~Desmond Tutu 

Blessings to all!!

238 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 107 ~ Editor's Pick of the Day!!

When I woke up this morning I knew immediately that I had to continue on course... Sooo when Calley woke me up at "o-dark-thirty", all I could do was whisper to her to get under the covers with me and snuggle with mommy until it was time to wake up.  After all it still was dark out!!  

Finally after the sun rose, business was as usual... and the second thing I do before rolling out of bed is to check email.  YES from bed!!  lol!  I know I am a crazy techie!!  First thing I do... I smother Calley with kisses!

However I did not have a clue what was about to happen or what was in store for me until I opened my email.  I started seeing emails from other bloggers from bloggers.com... not that I normally don't get any, but I was a little surprised when I saw an email from bloggers.com themselves with "Congratulations..." in the subject box.  I didn't even finish reading the word "congratulations", let alone the entire sentence, and I was opening the email from them.  I felt a little excitement growing, just like the kind you feel when you are opening up a present.  Then I read the following:

Hello Carla:

Congratulation!

You have been featured on BLOGGERS as one of the Bloggers of the day. Your profile and Blog "Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own!" has been showcased in Bloggers Home page (http://bloggers.com). In addition to that you are awarded with Featured bloggers badge on your profile.

Thank you again for your brilliant work. Enjoy the latest features and tell your friends to join this wonderful community.

regards

Thank you
The Bloggers Team 

Editor's Pick of the Day!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I could not believe what I was reading, and then the next thing I knew I was overwhelmed with joy and started to cry.  I could not believe that my blog had been chosen... and then I started reading all these comments from fellow bloggers... 

As simple as it may sound, all that comes to mind is .... THANK YOU!!!  You all made my day!!! my week! my month!! my year!!!

Who'd a thunk?!

First thing I did was call my hubby :)  I love that man so much!!!  After all, he is putting up with my writing every evening before I go to bed, which at times makes it difficult for him to go to sleep.  Does he complain... NO! he does not... He encourages me to continue writing.

Dean, I love you so much!  You mean the world to me... I look forward to continue to grow old with you!! and raise our daughter together!!!  YOU are my knight in shinning armor!!  

At day's end I received nearly a hundred emails, and I continue to receive them as I am writing tonight's post.

And If I have not responded back to any of your questions or emails yet, please rest assure that I will!!   and...

Once again.... a sincere, heartfelt Thank You!!

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues.  ~ Cicero

Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting.    ~ Author Unknown

Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.   ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach 

Therefore I will give thanks to You, O LORD, among the Gentiles, And sing praises to Your name.   2 Samuel 22:50

Blessings to all!!


258 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.      

Day 103 ~ Dimmer Switch Gets A Little Brighter

As the saying goes... Art Imitating Life, or is it Life Imitating Art?  

Why someone would choose to follow a story(ies) for over three decades is beyond me!!  

Oh... I'm sure I am not alone on this... I have been hooked on All My Children, One Life to Live and General Hospital since I was in high school... Hello, my name is Carla and I am a soapaholic!  

In one way or another, I have grown up with these soaps.  I have learned from them and laughed at them... I have gotten mad at them and turned them off for months... only to come back to see that life had not changed... not for them and not for me.

Now after nearly forty-two years, this week is the last week that ABC's All My Children will air on television.  One Life to Live will go off air in January of 2012.  Did find out from one of my friends that both shows will continue online.  After further investigation on my part, both shows were purchased by Prospect Park, which will continue to produce and air the shows online.  That's about as much as I know, now anyways.

Anyway, I mentioned art imitating life or visa-versa... whilst watching AMC today, and balling my eyes, for a good part of the show, with the good-byes starting, and the story lines ending ever so bitter-sweetly... some of the lines spoken whilst looking back on their television lives... took me on the same journey with my own life.

Yes... while walking down memory lane I see that life has taken its swings at me, and then, I have made my own mistakes and a few good choices too...  and in some instances it may have taken me a while, but I have learned from my experiences... both good and bad.

SO... today, as the dimmer switch went on a little higher.  I took a good long look at myself and the dark cloud that has been hovering over me.  Which is the loss and lack of relationship with my sons... I realized that since I lost them nearly eighteen years ago, all my decisions and actions have been based because of this loss, or with this loss hovering above me all the while lingering and darkening my heart.

I wish you could understand it...  how I feel I mean... maybe you do?... loosing my boys was like loosing my life... It wasn't like I lost them to death and that's it... they stop living and you don't have them anymore, except for memories.  They were alive, out there living their lives without me, without their mother... and I do not care what anyone says... a child needs their mother!  [This is with the understanding that we are talking about a good mother.]

Their father did everything in his power to alienate them from me and poison their minds.  I made the mistake of moving back home at a time in my life that I was drinking a lot and felt that I could not allow them to see me in that light... and that maybe being closer to my parents would help since they were getting older themselves.

Something my son said to me the other day when I asked him what if I moved back to the northwest near he and his brother... He reminded me that he has plans, as does his brother, and it would not be like it was when he was twelve... and that if I wanted to do something like that I had to think of myself, do it for myself.  Right then, at that moment, the light went on... I had lost my boys and I would never get them back.  

My sons are gone, and grown... and all I can do now is pray that God will watch over them and guide them, and put a wonderful girl in their paths that will help them do good, live good and be happy.  

The time has come for me to allow myself to mourn the loss of my sons, and with it the hope they would come back to me one day.  That time is gone forever, for now they are men and have their own lives to live.  With that I hope that they always know that my heart and my door will always be open to them when they are ready to know me.

NOW... What I do have is my daughter.  God has given me within her, the opportunity to be the mother she deserves.  I have also been given the opportunity to live up to the mom I was and wanted to be for my sons.  Calley deserves a happy life, the life I always wanted, the life I always wanted to give my boys... I will give it to her.

I also have to be grateful for my husband... for as many lows as I have gone through because of my loss... my ups and downs... probably more downs than anything... he still is beside me.  I love you Dino!

I have given myself permission to mourn the loss of my boys, accept the fact that I will never have them back again, for they are now grown.  I leave the rest in God's hands, along with my faith in him for what he sees me fit to do... which is raise my little girl with all the love she deserves to be raised with.  The rest is as they say... is in His hands.

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.  ~William Shakespeare

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.     ~From the television show The Wonder Years

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown 

Blessings to all!!


262 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.   

Day 101 ~ Found the Dimmer Switch

At first I wanted to, not apologize, but say how disappointed I am in myself for ranting, feeling sorry for myself, and for being so negative.

Then, I started to rethink things... my life experiences and the manner in which my family (the family I was born into) opted to pass on to me all of their... let's just call them "quirks".

Well, I can almost bet my life on the fact that I am not the only person on this earth that has undergone similar situations.  And If I, in some small way can help someone else, sympathize with them, even empathize with them... just so they do not feel so alone and possibly understood.  Then I really think that this will help me heal as well.

One last sad note on the subject... not one of my maternal* family members (that I was born to) ... shows concern, and from what I am beginning to understand, really doesn't care about what I have to say.  Oh except one of my cousins -who from what she had to say, indicated that she not only knew better than I because she is an "MD" [oh brother], and also thought she knew what I, myself experienced, better than myself because her father, my uncle, told her that my mother shared it with him... 


Now bare in mind that I am at least fifteen years her senior- and we did not grow up together, not even in the same continent, and no disrespect to my mother or uncle... but my mother embellishes the truth quite a bit... oh and not only that but the perspective of an adult is going to be completely different than a child's... 


Let me ask you this Gloria... did your father ever tell you that my mother, your adoring, wonderful, loving aunt, would not allow us to touch or kiss her unless we all bathed.... or that we had to wash everything we purchased from the grocery store prior to putting it away... or how about witnessing your father having (in the act) an affair with the maid?  Just curious?  Or how about the fact that your wonderful, adoring grandfather dangled my brother from his feet out of a second story window?  just because he was saying hello to a neighbor?  (Oh and I have more stories too!  But I am so over it now!!  I am a survivor and will not allow any of this to define me!


I was there all those times and witnessed it all!  Argue that one!  Actually there is no argument... because I LIVED IT!


So as far as I am concerned, you have absolutely no clue as to what happened to me, and being as smart as you claim to be, I am really surprised that you do not follow through better on information you hear.  You should always check your resources!


I have just filled a balloon... double tied it... and it's has floated into the atmosphere!!  Never to be seen or heard of again!  

I can not tell you how blessed I am!  Many of my friends reached out to me yesterday...  and many times I did not answer my  phone- couldn't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself ... and at others, just the mere fact of texting helped me a lot.  What did slap me in the face was ... that family does not mean that you have similar DNA... they are there for you through thick and thin, and once again my Dream Team proved it!  

SO... there are two things I can do...

1. Continue to be angry, bitter, feel sorry for myself, knowing that I do not have any camaraderie or support from my family.   ~ OR   ~
2. Do something about it!  After thinking about what I want from my life, what I need to do, and the healthy daughter I want to raise... I CAN DO IT! 

I found the light switch... it's on dim, but at least it is on.  And I will be turning the light on brighter and brighter.

I am starting to find and understand a "drive" within me... however, it isn't so much that I want to be successful (ok... you got me, I do!), but most importantly I do not want to let anyone down that I may able to help.

"One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives."   ~ Euripides

"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway."  ~ Jerome Cummings

 "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."  ~  Walter Winchell

Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."  ~ Helen Keller

"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with."   ~ Mark Twain 

Blessings to all!!

264 days to go...

*Funny how the negative always stands out in our minds...  I I How we often focus on the negative things that happen to us... When we should be grateful for what we have. 

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.