Saturday, September 17, 2011

Day 101 ~ Found the Dimmer Switch

At first I wanted to, not apologize, but say how disappointed I am in myself for ranting, feeling sorry for myself, and for being so negative.

Then, I started to rethink things... my life experiences and the manner in which my family (the family I was born into) opted to pass on to me all of their... let's just call them "quirks".

Well, I can almost bet my life on the fact that I am not the only person on this earth that has undergone similar situations.  And If I, in some small way can help someone else, sympathize with them, even empathize with them... just so they do not feel so alone and possibly understood.  Then I really think that this will help me heal as well.

One last sad note on the subject... not one of my maternal* family members (that I was born to) ... shows concern, and from what I am beginning to understand, really doesn't care about what I have to say.  Oh except one of my cousins -who from what she had to say, indicated that she not only knew better than I because she is an "MD" [oh brother], and also thought she knew what I, myself experienced, better than myself because her father, my uncle, told her that my mother shared it with him... 

Now bare in mind that I am at least fifteen years her senior- and we did not grow up together, not even in the same continent, and no disrespect to my mother or uncle... but my mother embellishes the truth quite a bit... oh and not only that but the perspective of an adult is going to be completely different than a child's... 

Let me ask you this Gloria... did your father ever tell you that my mother, your adoring, wonderful, loving aunt, would not allow us to touch or kiss her unless we all bathed.... or that we had to wash everything we purchased from the grocery store prior to putting it away... or how about witnessing your father having (in the act) an affair with the maid?  Just curious?  Or how about the fact that your wonderful, adoring grandfather dangled my brother from his feet out of a second story window?  just because he was saying hello to a neighbor?  (Oh and I have more stories too!  But I am so over it now!!  I am a survivor and will not allow any of this to define me!

I was there all those times and witnessed it all!  Argue that one!  Actually there is no argument... because I LIVED IT!

So as far as I am concerned, you have absolutely no clue as to what happened to me, and being as smart as you claim to be, I am really surprised that you do not follow through better on information you hear.  You should always check your resources!

I have just filled a balloon... double tied it... and it's has floated into the atmosphere!!  Never to be seen or heard of again!  

I can not tell you how blessed I am!  Many of my friends reached out to me yesterday...  and many times I did not answer my  phone- couldn't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself ... and at others, just the mere fact of texting helped me a lot.  What did slap me in the face was ... that family does not mean that you have similar DNA... they are there for you through thick and thin, and once again my Dream Team proved it!  

SO... there are two things I can do...

  1. Continue to be angry, bitter, feel sorry for myself, knowing that I do not have any camaraderie or support from my family.   ~ OR   ~
  2. Do something about it!  After thinking about what I want from my life, what I need to do, and the healthy daughter I want to raise... I CAN DO IT! 
I found the light switch... it's on dim, but at least it is on.  And I will be turning the light on brighter and brighter.

I am starting to find and understand a "drive" within me... however, it isn't so much that I want to be successful (ok... you got me, I do!), but most importantly I do not want to let anyone down that I may able to help.

"One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives."   ~ Euripides
"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway."  Jerome Cummings
 "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."   Walter Winchell
Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."  ~ Helen Keller
"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with."   ~ Mark Twain 

Blessings to all!!

264 days to go...

*Funny how the negative always stands out in our minds...  I I How we often focus on the negative things that happen to us... When we should be grateful for what we have. 

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.   

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