Saturday, September 3, 2011

Day 87 ~ You Can Lead A Horse to Water...

I am very frustrated right now.  I know I have written about my mother, and mentioned very little of my sister.  Quite frankly, I don't know how I feel about all of this and I am not really ready to share.

I am trying to mend relationships, for my daughter's sake.  I wanted her to have a relationship with MY mother and MY sister.  What was I thinking?  What made me think she could have a relationship with either one of them when I have not been able to?

It has become quite frustrating for me, and possibly more than I can chew.  Not only that, but it hurts!  It hurts me so that both my mother and sister can not put their "issues" aside for Calley, let alone myself.  I am not saying this because I want to quit trying... the best way I can say this is that I can only do so much.  If the other party is not willing to meet me half way or even a quarter of the way... hopefully I have given you an idea of the frustration I am going through.

I know my mother is NOT "normal" by any standards (due to her many years of battling with mental disorders), and I do have love for her... however, her priorities, the way she handle things, and the fact that I always come last... well, it is starting to have a toll on me.  This is definitely NOT what I want my daughter to experience!

Every time I am told something is being done... yes, you got it... nothing gets done!

My sister... well there is so much to say!  What I will say is that I am trying to help her... and she seems to hear it... however...  ... ...   Exactly!!  NOTHING!!!

I was really hoping to have a relationship with her for once in my life... but up until now, it seems like I am the only one doing the work.

She has been ill ever since she went through surgery ten months ago, however, at the same time I don't really know if she wants to get well... Let alone lead a normal (what ever NORMAL is) life.

I'm told one thing one day... another thing another day... and yet another thing the following day. I just can't do this anymore.  This is very trying, weighs me down... and if this is how it is with life, how will it be with a business?!?!

My goal is to get out of the rut I am in within the next year, yet at this pace it will never happen!!

For as much as I would like a relationship with both my mother and sister, I am afraid that it is not going to happen... and with that said, I should probably cut my losses now before any more real damage is done.

Tonight, I was finally able to get a hold of my mother after five days of calling [all day long,] and I was even trying to get a hold of my sister.. but seems she will not answer my calls.  

I told my mother that I had been worried, I had been calling and even told my aunt to forward the message (which she did)... all I got was excuses.  She told me that she had to take my sister to the emergency yesterday... well that was yesterday... what about the other four days or even today?

What all of this tells me is that I can not count on either one of them to help me with life in general or even with my daughter.

For a short time I thought that just maybe I could have a relationship with my sister and mother, and I even made the mistake of allowing Calley to get close to them... YES, I call it a mistake because Calley has been making comments about them not following through and that.. "my abuelita (grandmother in Spanish), and auntie Claudia do not love me. They say they are sending me something and don't and auntie Claudia does not come see me like she said she was going to lots of times.." ... Talk about sticking a knife in my heart!!  

Now that Calley has made, and is making comments like that, it only tells me that this is affecting her too.  She is used to people doing what they say they are going to do.  This is truly heart wrenching!  It is what I tried to avoid!  It can not go on any longer and must stop, for Calley's sake.

I thought that it may be different this time around... can't teach an old dog new tricks!

So now I am left with a difficult path ahead of me... I guess one way of looking at this is...  I should be used to being alone by now;  my mother has never been around when I needed her (this is a fine example), and my sister and I have never had a relationship, let alone a healthy one.  It's been like this all of my forty-eight years, why should it be any different now?  

Alone I will continue to be.  I have to "buck up" and get to work!  

Soo... if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!!

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.  ~  Unknown Author

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, it might have been.     ~  John Greenleaf Whittie

If we never felt sorrow, we'd never recognize bliss.  At this rate I should be in a fiull state of bliss for the rest of my days.  ~  Dennis Quaid

Words and hearts should be handled with care... for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair.    ~  Unknown Author

Blessings to all! 

278 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

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