Sunday, July 31, 2011

Day 53 ~ New Milestone, New Goal!

What a beautiful day to follow up on a great evening the night before.  Then to top it off... my blog has now reached over 2,000 views!!  WOW!!

Yesterday, we put the little wind there was to good use... Uncle Eric surprised Calley with her FIRST kite!  They were having so much fun that they ran out and bought two more... next thing you knew, Calley was not only flying one kite, she was flying two... and at the same time!  Calley... The Kite Whisperer!

After spending such a great afternoon with Eric (and Angela), to end our day yesterday... we took a walk along Westward Beach in Malibu, and witnessed a beautiful sunset!

Dean, Calley and I made a new goal... right then and there I felt like I could accomplish anything! ... Our new goal... to own a home in Malibu within five years!  For some reason, this sounds obtainable.  I can feel it with every fiber in my being.

So ... now to start working towards our new goal!  

...There's a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I'm completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I'll make it through

The time has come for me
To break out of the shell
I have to shout
That I'm coming out ...

Lyrics to Diana Ross' "I'm Coming Out"

Blessings to all!!

312 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Day 52 ~ 48... the New 38!!

My 30th high school reunion was tonight... one word... FUN!  

What a great night!

I had been keeping myself busy up until I had to get ready, just so I wouldn't get anxious and cancel out.  Yes, in the past I have worked myself up so much that I actually would not go to functions due to anxiety of "what ifs". But, that is behind me now!

I was sporting a great new hair cut (and color), thanks to the future famous Chëlseá, I lost a total of 9 pounds (thanks to My Wii Fit 21-Day Challenge), and I was in a great place!

After battling the Southern California traffic on the 101... I finally arrived at the Sheraton Universal... Dean and Calley, well they were having and daddy/daughter day long date. Just as I arrived I saw a good ol' (not using the word in reference to our ages by any means!!) friend from school... she looked fabulous!!  Way to go Melinda! ... We were so happy to see each other,  not only because we were friends... but I think more so because we were "flying solo" and did not want to walk in alone.  NO! It's not like going to the bathroom with your girlfriend!  It's just easier walking into a function with a friend in hand, as opposed to making "an entrance"... and I am sooo not about that! 

Then... it happened!  I saw my SISSY!! and the shrieks all started!!!

I strongly feel that if it wasn't for Facebook, and the fact that I have re-connected with so many friends, as well as re-connected with acquaintances, who now have become dear friends... (let's just say I could not picture my life without them ever again!!) ... I more than likely would not have gone to the reunion.

So the Carlas spotted one another!! Thing one and thing two, as another friend calls us... and then there were so many other wonderful people. Carla has become such an important part of my life...a most definite "Angel" and part of my "Dream Team."   I feel blessed to have become friends with her later in life.  I strongly believe once again, that God works in mysterious ways and places people in your life when you need them most.  

Let me remind you all, and mention to others, that back in high school the only thing or person that mattered to me, was "Eddie"...  and because he wasn't part of this click or the other... and was loved by all, he did his things his way... He was the air I breathed... even the teachers knew!  LOL!  Anyways, it was too much for my parents to handle, so my mother sent me to Perú.  I had been told that I was going for a two week vacation, then once I got there my return ticket hidden from me, and finally found it in time for the senior prom, a year and a half later.  (There are more details to this chapter in my life, I just have to get the courage to share it with you.)

The point is that, the great thing about my night was that I really didn't feel out of place.  I felt as if I belonged.

You see, I was always the new kid in school.  After my parents divorced, we moved around so much... that by the time I was in high school, I had gone to thirteen different schools.  Not only that, but we even moved during junior high, still in the valley, but... well, just to clue you in, only 5 kids from my junior high went to my high school.  So, once again, the last school I go to, again, I come in and have to meet and make new friends, trying to fit in... and then most of the kids, well some had gone to school together since first grade, others maybe later, but anyway you sliced it, I always felt like the "odd man out.

Last night was amazing!!  I re-connected with such amazing friends from the past, and discovered that we all look fabulous for being 38!!  After all 48 IS THE NEW 38!!  Or at least this is what my generation is telling ourselves!  LOL!!!  

Seriously, we came to the consensus last night that our parents were much OLDER at our age... They weren't as involved in our lives, as we are in our own children's lives.  Most of us were allowed to leave the house in the morning, and personally, my brother, sister and I, always listened for my dad's whistle for when it was time to come home... by then it was already dinner time.

Today, well we drive our kids to school... we're scuba diving, boxing, working out, going on 5k runs... etc.  I wonder how our children, will be with their's... and what they will think of us.  Especially since most of them from eighteen to twenty-four already think we are ancient!  Can't wait to see what they think when they themselves are thirty!!
There are some givens in life that no amount of positive thinking can change. Aging is a fact of life. The wisest approach is to accept and enjoy the ride.  author unknown

Blessings to all!!

313 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Friday, July 29, 2011

Day 51 ~ My Dream Team Continues to Grow with Angels!

courtesy of Bing images
Life has given me ups, downs and in-betweens, that's for sure.  But the thing I am most grateful for, has been the "Angels" that have been placed in my life!

I have had my struggles with family, which I am sure that that will be endless... however, one constant, has been my friends, or rather what I like to refer to as my "Angels" on my "Dream Team"!

It may have not been apparent at the time, and the world may have felt as it was ending... BUT as I look back, I have always had my "Angels" by my side.

I mentioned that through my blogging, my desire is to be able to help someone else through my experiences... which in turn in my eyes would have made it worth it having gone through what I did.  All the days and nights that I spent in fetal position, all the tears shed, all the moments longing for my children... ALL OF IT WOULD BE WORTH IT if I can spare someone else from going through it.

courtesy of Bing images
Life has a funny way of doing things... a funny way of putting something or SOMEONE in your path of life...

Monday, when Dean, Calley and I were headed to the beach, we were indecisive as to where we wanted to go... so we just went where our feet took us...

Before I knew it, I spent my day not only with my family, but with a new Angel in my life!!  Alysia.  Not only that, but as we talked and shared, I discovered that we were meant to meet!  You see, she is going through a horrible divorce from a controlling man, who wants to take her children from her!  As I shared my story with her, as well as my blog, it was as if the heavens opened up and was shinning on us both!  Seriously!!  

I do not want to get too personal with her story, and I do not know if you want to call it fate, us meeting that is... however, I certainly think so and sincerely hope that I can help her fight and not give up.  

For a mother, it is second nature to put our children's needs before our own, and with that said, we need to do what is right for them, even if it takes a lifetime.  Believe me you never want to hear the words... "why didn't you fight harder for me?!" ... as I did from my Logan.  It broke my heart!  and I thought I fought... I just saw how tired their little faces were of all the court dates, counseling, etc... but I should have gone to trial!  "Shoulda, coulda, woulda!!!"

Alysia, was not the only "Angel" placed in my path this week...

Last night I had the most amazing night at one of my dearest "Dream Team" Angels... :)   Talk about a house full of angels... Jeannie has been a part of my life for twenty-five years now!!  We met as neighbors, and not only that but we were pregnant with our first borns... who ultimately were born nine days apart!!

Jeannie, has seen me get knocked down (figuratively speaking), and witnessed my marriage to my sons' father... she even socked him in the stomach once!  Got him good too!!!

Prior to my heading over to her home, I received a text from her asking if it was ok to have one of her many children over too because she herself just broke up with her (controlling and verbally abusive man, several years her elder) boyfriend.  I told Jeannie... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Of course not!!!

When we got there... Jeannie shared with me that she thought they were supposed to get together tomorrow night, however my Angel was thinking...  Diana needed to come over TONIGHT!!!  It was meant to be!!!

What an amazing young lady.  Diana is my eldest son's age, 24, and already has seen the devil, more than once!  (ha ha- just kidding, oh well, maybe not!)  SO sad to see someone so young going through such ugliness in a relationship!  The great thing about it... they did not marry and do not have children together!!!  That definitely is a plus... now, to get all the ugliness out of her and bring her up to the place she should be at!  Hold her head up high, believing in herself and best of all... loving herself!!  

Diana, first of all... you made it through night one!! Major accomplishment!!  and secondly... you have not only Jeannie by your side, but Chelsea & Becki (angels in training!!  heck not!!... they are already Angels... and they're mine too!! - after all their mama is Jeannie!!!)  Be strong and know that you can always count on ALL OF US!

I know I had, and continue to have bad experiences from my marriage to my boys' father... and I never EVER thought I would say this... BUT...

I truly feel blessed for having gone through what I did with my children and their father... today I am a strong woman because of it! It is said that we should embrace our experiences in life, after all, it makes us who we are today!!

I have close friends who nurture me and make me laugh.
I am open to friendship, and I now attract the most wonderful new friends to me.
My circle of friendship continues to grow beyond what I ever expected 

Blessings to all!!

314 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day 50 ~ A Mother's Love Part Deux

Courtesy of Bing images
As mentioned in earlier postings, once I put a subject "in a balloon and let it go"... that's it, I am letting it go and moving on with my life in a positive way.

However, my posting last night A Mother's Love, apparently struck a nerve with my cousin Gloria.  She came to my mother's defense with both barrels loaded.

First of all, I appreciate the fact that she has had such a wonderful relationship with my mother, apparently everyone has, except for her own children.  After all my mother has helped her and the rest of her family get either citizenship or green cards here in the US, among other things.

She stated that I had a "selective memory" as to what has happened in my mother's life and that she's a 73 year old woman that has OCD, and has suffered post-partum depression and was hospitalized for it something all together different (it was 1970, and they had no clue about PPD back then).  First of all ... she is 71.  Secondly, I did touch on this subject a little in Day 11.  Finally, how dare you tell me what I remember is not right and to ask your dad... I was there, I do not have to ask anyone.

As part of my reply to my cousin I had said for her to walk a mile in my shoes... well here are a few more steps for you to walk in...

Imagine yourself being nine years old, we lived in the heart of Hollywood, and it was 1972,  It was around ten o'clock at night and my mother, brother, sister and I were out on Hollywood Boulevard... before I knew it... they were no where in sight!! She was gone, and I found myself all alone avoiding strangers... She had gone home, she didn't look for me... I had to call my father collect to come get me.

I am not trying to bash my mother, nor disrespect the memory of my father.  I am trying to heal and become a better person, so I do not repeat the mistakes my parents made.

I am writing this blog so that my children one day understand what I have been through, so that they can understand and know the truth.  My truths, my experiences, my downfalls and my successes without ever having a doubt of who I am and how much I love them.  My intent is not to hurt anyone, but as mentioned to heal.  With that said if you do not like what I write, well quite frankly, it is MY LIFE and WHAT I EXPERIENCE... It is my TRUTHS of what I have SEEN.  Furthermore, do you think I have enjoyed walking in my shoes?  

People who have lived beautiful lives and have felt the unconditional love from their parents may find this hard to believe... well I'm sorry, but not everyone has lived a "perfect life" or felt that "unconditional love".  

I mentioned last night that it saddens me that I do not share the same love for my mother that my friends or even cousins have for their mothers... This does not make me happy.  I am not passing "judgement" on my mother, so you do not have to quote scriptures to me in such an ugly way...  this hurts!    Being that I can not change any of that... I have to PUT IT IN A BALLOON & LET IT GO for my family's sake.  For my sake... I have to move forward and raise my daughter, love her as I would have wanted to experience myself.  

So shame on you Gloria, for you being so quick to pass "judgement" on me.  You weren't even born yet when any of this was happening to my family.  You came so quickly to my mother's defense... did you even really read my post?  Anyways, I'm sure that you will now follow suit like the rest of the family... for what they are known for, they stop talking to you when they do not like you or what you do and then talk behind your back.  If that's the case, and that is how you feel, it is a shame.  I thought you were smarter than that... especially since you are an "MD"!  

I myself, may not be an MD, but I certainly do not operate that way.  I talk about things, I solve them or agree to disagree.  I do not pass judgement on others, Lord knows I am not perfect.  I unfortunately am a product of my parent's actions or non-actions...  and It stops here!!  It is all up in a balloon and gone, flown away!  Now... to be the best wife to my husband, and above all be the bestest mother my children can ask for!! 
“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible — the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”  - Virginia Satir
 “One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.”  Sophocles

Blessings to all!!

315 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Day 49 ~ A Mother's Love

As nice of a day as I may have had, there are some things I have found out that both my parents have done... not together of course... but separately, that have really made me feel less than.

I can't yell or get mad at my father much more nor confront him, because he's gone... As far as my mother is concerned... Boy I really have not touched this subject now, have I...

I have told you that she has a mental disability, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), however sometimes I wonder!!

She certainly is always well enough to help my sister out, and even my brother... but me...

Well, let's just put it this way... I finally put pride aside in order for my daughter to have a grandmother and I had been asking my mother for months to come and help me, and if it's not one thing or another... she's just never available for me... and quite frankly seeing the head games that she plays, I don't think I want her help... ever!

[I would rather Calley see her once in a while, and let her have a sweet image of her than not.  I do not want Calley tainted in any way!]

I've been struggling... does she help me?  NO... but her second cousin's son... well she's there for him!  The neighbor down the street, she's there for her!  Her family... again, she's there for them!  But her daughter...NO!

My first cousin is always talking her up, what a wonderful person she is, etc... and when I was not speaking to my mother, she always would try to convince me to do so.

The thing my cousin does not understand is that, my mother is her aunt, and that is the role she has played in her life... she may have given her things and been nice to her...

But as a mother, I felt abandoned by her at a young age... she wasn't there when I needed her, and then when she did show up, she lied to me by convincing me to go to Peru to visit family for a couple of weeks in my junior year in high school... and I ended up staying there for a year and a half.  All the plans I had, well she did away with them...

Years prior, she kidnapped my brother, sister and I, took us to Peru, just before her divorce from my dad and kept us from him for nearly a year, and then gave custody of me to his estranged grandfather!

She was never there for any of my pregnancies, and any time I thought I was having an honest moment with her... well let's just say it was the furthest thing from the truth.

Yes she is my mother, but seems like more and more it was in name only!

It is very sad.  Every time there's Mother's day or something to do for moms on Facebook, it saddens me that I do not love her as my friends love their mothers.  I love her because she is my mother... but that "wonderful feeling" that my friends feel for their moms... it's just not there.  I don't know it.  There's a void in my heart, where there should be love.  It's very sad.

Your mother is supposed to protect you... not mine.  When I told her at the age of nine that a cousin had molested me... she made excuses for him and did not want to cause any problems within the family!

My friend's moms, my mother in laws, they have been my mothers.  However, its not the same.  I can't go to them, as I should be able to go to my mom.  I tried, and every time I open my heart, it gets stepped on!

What will I do with all of this???  First of all... it's in a balloon, and gone!

I will be the best mother to my Calley, and I will NEVER let her feel less than!!  Calley will be loved by me more than anyone could imagine!!  My daughter will never feel alone.  My daughter will never learn from the streets what should be taught by me.  My daughter will grow up knowing what love is from both her parents.

The way that Calley looks at me and tells me she loves me, or that I am her angel, or I am the bestest mommy in the world... that love I see in her eyes... I will always work to keep that love she has for me.  I will always be true to my Calley!  

I adore my sons just as much, and feel pain when I think of all the time that has been stolen from us.  I feel pain when I think of how they have been tainted by their father's words about me... I will be here for them when they are ready for me to be their mother again, and will give them the love they so deserve!
We can talk all we want, however it is our actions that children will imitate. From the time they are young children until the teenage years children watch what you say and what you do.    Author unknown.

Blessings to all!!

316 days / 45 weeks to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Day 48 ~ Feeling Blessed

I feel so complete as of lately.  As far as I am concerned it's short of a miracle that I am feeling this way... why?  well, I have never felt this way..  and regardless that  my life is not 100% where I would like it to be, I know that I am on the right track!

Furthermore, I know is that, what I want is to be happy...  I absolutely love Dean... and would never want to not live without Calley as I have experienced living without Addison and Logan.  

With all that said, I want to continue to be the best person I can be... and as I have mentioned previously, I would like to save someone else from all the pain I have endured...

I adore my husband...  I have seen how much love he has grown up with, and the difference it makes to how a person that has not been as blessed... as well as the fact that I want my daughter to have the best life ever!  

I never want Calley, Addison or Logan to feel less than, EVER, in their lives.  and ... Other than being the best that I can be... I really do not know what else I can do to have my children to be proud of me.

I can not tell you what my children think of all of this, but what I can tell you is that this is bound to end with a happily ever after!!
I am blessed.

Blessings to all!!

317 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

Day 47 ~ What's Your Paradise?

I just woke up in a cold sweat... I obviously fell asleep.  I'm so goofy sometimes, I crack myself up.  If I just woke up... I must have been asleep!!  Oh brother... sometimes I wonder about myself!  LOL!

Today, we must have walked for what seems two or three miles.  [And, is it true that you double the distance if you were walking in sand?! ;) ]  You definitely loose both track of time and distance when you are surrounded by such beauty in paradise and when you're sharing it with your two favorite people...  my husband and daughter!!  My own paradise!!!

I am so grateful for the time that my family is spending together... I can honestly say that this time together is a God's send!

I must say that my legs are really feeling the walk, as the rest of my body and my eyes ... especially when every so often I am staring at the back of my eyelids!!  Seems as if I still have not caught up with sleep since our drive out - however, I hope to tonight!!

The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful

Blessings to all!!

318 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Day 46 ~ Strong As An Oak Tree

WoW! Day 46... who would have thunk it!  Not me... that's for sure!  It is not that I am disciplined by any means... and its not that I am a failure either.  I am pretty sure that I am not the only one that has started a project and not finished it... and Lord knows that I have "not finished" something more than once...  I just feel so happy and proud, that after 46 days I am still at it and with a vengeance!  

I realize that it is only Day 46 and I have 319 days still to go... but as far as I am concerned 46 is a good number... and I AM STILL GOING STRONG!

With all that said... I am so tired tonight, and feeling good... especially after a two hour walk on the sand, up and down paths, that I am really feeling it!

... I bid you a good night, and hope and wish that you sleep with little angels... as my sweet little Calley does.
I rejoice in the Love I encounter everyday 
Blessings to all!!

319 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Day 45 ~ Great Drive, Great Times, Great Friends, Great Fun!!

Ok, we now know that dieting and being excited are good reasons for being at a loss for words... well, so is exhaustion!!

We did stop at a rest stop, to rest, and we did so for three hours.

Well with that said, It's been an absolute long time since I have had only three hours worth of rest.  Putting that off to the side...

Courtesy of Bing images
We had a great road trip.  Calley slept most of the way, woke up just a couple of times, and was up with the sun.  She did take a couple of snoozes... which made for a quiet trip.

That with the exception of rocking out to classic rock... Dean and I always have so mush fun with this... we sing to old tunes and rock out.  Calley woke up in time to witness my Axel Rose snake, as did the cars next to us.  I think the consensus among all of them, was that I was nuts!!  

I would have to say that this was one of the best road trips... with the assistance of my laptop and a wireless broadband usb... I was able to be on my computer, Facebook and do my blogs, all while on the road!!  Not only that but... I felt like all my friends were on my road trip too!!

Thanks so much for helping make this such a memorable trip!  It was so much fun sharing the drive out with you all!! One thing is for sure, I will never go on a long drive with out you all again!!  Love you bunches!! 

I am blessed with many wonderful friends.
I can easily be myself around my friends.
I regularly tell my friends how much I love and appreciate them,
Blessings to all!

320 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Friday, July 22, 2011

Day 44 ~ Are We There Yet?

Last night it was the diet had me at a loss for words... today the road trip!!  Actually, I was so excited ... but then everything I would put off to the side to take with us somehow found itself in Calley's hands and then somewhere else!!  I could not keep track of anything... If we didn't forget something, it was because of a miracle!

Talk about frustration!!  Don't know how many times I told Calley that we were putting everything in one place for the road trip... but to no avail.. there we went again!  I had to remind myself how it was as a child...and we were once again having fun!!

Courtesy of Bing images
Calley certainly is more challenging than my boys, more times than not... but bottom line she's a barrel of fun!! 

Prior to leaving the house, she was literally doing laps in the living room!  I was getting tired just watching... but then all I could think of was the fact that she was going to pass out before we hit Las Cruces, New Mexico (which is only forty minutes out from our house.)  I think the last thing she heard was, "the sooner you fall asleep, the closer we will be to LA...) and with that she was out!

I remember when the boys and I would do the drive from Seattle to Los Angeles... we always drove at night... the only way to go... with kids or without!  No traffic, it's a lot cooler, and when the kids finally wake up we have just a little bit to go.

Courtesy of Bing images
The boys and I would play games, I'd have an atlas for them to follow along... and then there was "SLUG BUG!" out of the blue!  All I can say is that my arm ended up being really sore.  There was also the alphabet game... that game was great... it could last for hours sometimes. For those of you unfamiliar to the game, it's where you have to find things on the road according to the letter that was next, starting with "a" and so on.  

But with the boys, even with two of them, they seemed so calm by comparison.  I don't even remember them fighting.  They rarely fought.  Addison always took care of Logan... he was always a good brother, as was Logan.  I was blessed... definitely.

Oh how time goes by...  and here in a week a thirty year reunion for me!   Time definitely flies.

Life is a joy filled with delightful surprises
My life is a joy filled with love, fun and friendship all I need do is stop all criticism, forgive, relax and be open. 
I choose love, joy and freedom, open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.

Blessings to all!

321 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.