Day 83 ~ Nana's Better Now

Our last Easter with Nana.
Nana, Gene (mom) and Calley.

The last couple of days have been a whirlwind of sorts.  It is mind blowing when you start putting together everything that needs to be taken care of when a family member passes away.

One of the things needed to be done on my list, which with all honesty, Dean and I had not really talked about was telling Calley.  You think that with all three of Dean's grandmothers being in ailing health, two of them living here in town, we would have touched the subject.  

The last time we had seen Nana was for our family Father's day outing in June... and since then, she's been in and out of the hospital.  Finally arrangements were once again being made for her return to her home... she was happy to know that once again she could be with her animals, especially Pixie, her dog.  Nana had decided a while back that she did not want to pass away in the hospital.

Nana had been back home just a few days by the time that Dean, Calley and I were able to visit.  However, as great as all that was, we were being told that her body was beginning to shut down.  With all that going on, she may have not said anything, but Nana acknowledged that we were  all there.  I am so happy that we were able to tell her we loved her, and say good bye. 

My wish on Saturday was to fill the house with joy and laughter so that mom's last memories of Nana's home, with Nana there would not be somber ones.

Throughout it all Calley knew Nana was not doing well and that we were there for mom (grandma).  We did ask her that there was no yelling, screaming or running around.  

There were a few times that mom and I were deep in conversation and I lost track of Calley... when she appeared she told us she had been in Nana 's room.  "Calley!", we both exclaimed!  Calley immediately replied, "I was just giving Nana kisses and hugs.."   Calley truly touched my heart.

When Sunday rolled around, once again we were going to head over to Nana's.   While on our way, mom called me... "Calley can't come. Nana is worse, and we don't think she's going to make it .."  As I hung up with mom and my heart sank.

Needless to say I had to bribe Calley with all sort of things after I finished telling her that she and daddy had to stay at grandma and grandpa's house while I went to help with Nana.

At the end of the day and after being so worried about how Calley would react... after we told  her that Nana has gone to be with Jesus... she said "I understand mommy... Nana's better now."   I left it alone and walked away scratching my head.

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation.  For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.  ~Albert Einstein

As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well used brings happy death.  ~Leonardo da Vinci

Blessings to all!

282 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 51 ~ My Dream Team Continues to Grow with Angels!

courtesy of Bing images

Life has given me ups, downs and in-betweens, that's for sure.  But the thing I am most grateful for, has been the "Angels" that have been placed in my life!

I have had my struggles with family, which I am sure that that will be endless... however, one constant, has been my friends, or rather what I like to refer to as my "Angels" on my "Dream Team"!

It may have not been apparent at the time, and the world may have felt as it was ending... BUT as I look back, I have always had my "Angels" by my side.

I mentioned that through my blogging, my desire is to be able to help someone else through my experiences... which in turn in my eyes would have made it worth it having gone through what I did.  All the days and nights that I spent in fetal position, all the tears shed, all the moments longing for my children... ALL OF IT WOULD BE WORTH IT if I can spare someone else from going through it.

courtesy of Bing images

Life has a funny way of doing things... a funny way of putting something or SOMEONE in your path of life...

Monday, when Dean, Calley and I were headed to the beach, we were indecisive as to where we wanted to go... so we just went where our feet took us...

Before I knew it, I spent my day not only with my family, but with a new Angel in my life!!  Alysia.  Not only that, but as we talked and shared, I discovered that we were meant to meet!  You see, she is going through a horrible divorce from a controlling man, who wants to take her children from her!  As I shared my story with her, as well as my blog, it was as if the heavens opened up and was shinning on us both!  Seriously!!  

I do not want to get too personal with her story, and I do not know if you want to call it fate, us meeting that is... however, I certainly think so and sincerely hope that I can help her fight and not give up.  

For a mother, it is second nature to put our children's needs before our own, and with that said, we need to do what is right for them, even if it takes a lifetime.  Believe me you never want to hear the words... "why didn't you fight harder for me?!" ... as I did from my Logan.  It broke my heart!  and I thought I fought... I just saw how tired their little faces were of all the court dates, counseling, etc... but I should have gone to trial!  "Shoulda, coulda, woulda!!!"

Alysia, was not the only "Angel" placed in my path this week...

Last night I had the most amazing night at one of my dearest "Dream Team" Angels... :)   Talk about a house full of angels... Jeannie has been a part of my life for twenty-five years now!!  We met as neighbors, and not only that but we were pregnant with our first borns... who ultimately were born nine days apart!!

Jeannie, has seen me get knocked down (figuratively speaking), and witnessed my marriage to my sons' father... she even socked him in the stomach once!  Got him good too!!!

Prior to my heading over to her home, I received a text from her asking if it was ok to have one of her many children over too because she herself just broke up with her (controlling and verbally abusive man, several years her elder) boyfriend.  I told Jeannie... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Of course not!!!

When we got there... Jeannie shared with me that she thought they were supposed to get together tomorrow night, however my Angel was thinking...  Diana needed to come over TONIGHT!!!  It was meant to be!!!

What an amazing young lady.  Diana is my eldest son's age, 24, and already has seen the devil, more than once!  (ha ha- just kidding, oh well, maybe not!)  SO sad to see someone so young going through such ugliness in a relationship!  The great thing about it... they did not marry and do not have children together!!!  That definitely is a plus... now, to get all the ugliness out of her and bring her up to the place she should be at!  Hold her head up high, believing in herself and best of all... loving herself!!  

Diana, first of all... you made it through night one!! Major accomplishment!!  and secondly... you have not only Jeannie by your side, but Chelsea & Becki (angels in training!!  heck not!!... they are already Angels... and they're mine too!! - after all their mama is Jeannie!!!)  Be strong and know that you can always count on ALL OF US!

I know I had, and continue to have bad experiences from my marriage to my boys' father... and I never EVER thought I would say this... BUT...

I truly feel blessed for having gone through what I did with my children and their father... today I am a strong woman because of it! It is said that we should embrace our experiences in life, after all, it makes us who we are today!!

I have close friends who nurture me and make me laugh.

I am open to friendship, and I now attract the most wonderful new friends to me.

My circle of friendship continues to grow beyond what I ever expected 

Blessings to all!!

314 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Day 49 ~ A Mother's Love

As nice of a day as I may have had, there are some things I have found out that both my parents have done... not together of course... but separately, that have really made me feel less than.

I can't yell or get mad at my father much more nor confront him, because he's gone... As far as my mother is concerned... Boy I really have not touched this subject now, have I...

I have told you that she has a mental disability, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), however sometimes I wonder!!

She certainly is always well enough to help my sister out, and even my brother... but me...

Well, let's just put it this way... I finally put pride aside in order for my daughter to have a grandmother and I had been asking my mother for months to come and help me, and if it's not one thing or another... she's just never available for me... and quite frankly seeing the head games that she plays, I don't think I want her help... ever!

[I would rather Calley see her once in a while, and let her have a sweet image of her than not.  I do not want Calley tainted in any way!]

I've been struggling... does she help me?  NO... but her second cousin's son... well she's there for him!  The neighbor down the street, she's there for her!  Her family... again, she's there for them!  But her daughter...NO!

My first cousin is always talking her up, what a wonderful person she is, etc... and when I was not speaking to my mother, she always would try to convince me to do so.

The thing my cousin does not understand is that, my mother is her aunt, and that is the role she has played in her life... she may have given her things and been nice to her...

But as a mother, I felt abandoned by her at a young age... she wasn't there when I needed her, and then when she did show up, she lied to me by convincing me to go to Peru to visit family for a couple of weeks in my junior year in high school... and I ended up staying there for a year and a half.  All the plans I had, well she did away with them...

Years prior, she kidnapped my brother, sister and I, took us to Peru, just before her divorce from my dad and kept us from him for nearly a year, and then gave custody of me to his estranged grandfather!

She was never there for any of my pregnancies, and any time I thought I was having an honest moment with her... well let's just say it was the furthest thing from the truth.

Yes she is my mother, but seems like more and more it was in name only!

It is very sad.  Every time there's Mother's day or something to do for moms on Facebook, it saddens me that I do not love her as my friends love their mothers.  I love her because she is my mother... but that "wonderful feeling" that my friends feel for their moms... it's just not there.  I don't know it.  There's a void in my heart, where there should be love.  It's very sad.

Your mother is supposed to protect you... not mine.  When I told her at the age of nine that a cousin had molested me... she made excuses for him and did not want to cause any problems within the family!

My friend's moms, my mother in laws, they have been my mothers.  However, its not the same.  I can't go to them, as I should be able to go to my mom.  I tried, and every time I open my heart, it gets stepped on!

What will I do with all of this???  First of all... it's in a balloon, and gone!

I will be the best mother to my Calley, and I will NEVER let her feel less than!!  Calley will be loved by me more than anyone could imagine!!  My daughter will never feel alone.  My daughter will never learn from the streets what should be taught by me.  My daughter will grow up knowing what love is from both her parents.

The way that Calley looks at me and tells me she loves me, or that I am her angel, or I am the bestest mommy in the world... that love I see in her eyes... I will always work to keep that love she has for me.  I will always be true to my Calley!  

I adore my sons just as much, and feel pain when I think of all the time that has been stolen from us.  I feel pain when I think of how they have been tainted by their father's words about me... I will be here for them when they are ready for me to be their mother again, and will give them the love they so deserve!

We can talk all we want, however it is our actions that children will imitate. From the time they are young children until the teenage years children watch what you say and what you do.    Author unknown.

Blessings to all!!

316 days / 45 weeks to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Day 41 ~ Friends... Part Deux

So Dean brought up a couple of really good points about my Day 39 post, as did one of my wonderful friends...

Courtesy of Bing images

My friend Elisabeth, who has been beyond an "angel" in my life, and which I sincerely hope that our flight together as friends takes us until we are old and gray!.. definite Dream Team player... brought to my attention that my post on friends may have come across as my having "expectations" ... 

Let me expand on this...  It's not that I expect these qualities from my friends... the fact is that my friends already possess these qualities, and I want to be that type of friend as well...    

Courtesy of Bing images

Earlier in the day... my wonderful husband commented... "well, I can have a good friend... we have fun times... years go by... that's great... one day he turns out to be a molester or a murderer, I am not going to stand by them..."

Well Dean, that's a given!  Really?  I will not cross that line either.  

I choose to have my life filled with positive people.

I have close friends who nurture me and make me laugh. 

I have an abundance of loving, supportive friends.

Blessings to all!

324 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.