Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Day 49 ~ A Mother's Love

As nice of a day as I may have had, there are some things I have found out that both my parents have done... not together of course... but separately, that have really made me feel less than.

I can't yell or get mad at my father much more nor confront him, because he's gone... As far as my mother is concerned... Boy I really have not touched this subject now, have I...

I have told you that she has a mental disability, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), however sometimes I wonder!!

She certainly is always well enough to help my sister out, and even my brother... but me...

Well, let's just put it this way... I finally put pride aside in order for my daughter to have a grandmother and I had been asking my mother for months to come and help me, and if it's not one thing or another... she's just never available for me... and quite frankly seeing the head games that she plays, I don't think I want her help... ever!

[I would rather Calley see her once in a while, and let her have a sweet image of her than not.  I do not want Calley tainted in any way!]

I've been struggling... does she help me?  NO... but her second cousin's son... well she's there for him!  The neighbor down the street, she's there for her!  Her family... again, she's there for them!  But her daughter...NO!

My first cousin is always talking her up, what a wonderful person she is, etc... and when I was not speaking to my mother, she always would try to convince me to do so.

The thing my cousin does not understand is that, my mother is her aunt, and that is the role she has played in her life... she may have given her things and been nice to her...

But as a mother, I felt abandoned by her at a young age... she wasn't there when I needed her, and then when she did show up, she lied to me by convincing me to go to Peru to visit family for a couple of weeks in my junior year in high school... and I ended up staying there for a year and a half.  All the plans I had, well she did away with them...

Years prior, she kidnapped my brother, sister and I, took us to Peru, just before her divorce from my dad and kept us from him for nearly a year, and then gave custody of me to his estranged grandfather!

She was never there for any of my pregnancies, and any time I thought I was having an honest moment with her... well let's just say it was the furthest thing from the truth.

Yes she is my mother, but seems like more and more it was in name only!

It is very sad.  Every time there's Mother's day or something to do for moms on Facebook, it saddens me that I do not love her as my friends love their mothers.  I love her because she is my mother... but that "wonderful feeling" that my friends feel for their moms... it's just not there.  I don't know it.  There's a void in my heart, where there should be love.  It's very sad.

Your mother is supposed to protect you... not mine.  When I told her at the age of nine that a cousin had molested me... she made excuses for him and did not want to cause any problems within the family!

My friend's moms, my mother in laws, they have been my mothers.  However, its not the same.  I can't go to them, as I should be able to go to my mom.  I tried, and every time I open my heart, it gets stepped on!

What will I do with all of this???  First of all... it's in a balloon, and gone!

I will be the best mother to my Calley, and I will NEVER let her feel less than!!  Calley will be loved by me more than anyone could imagine!!  My daughter will never feel alone.  My daughter will never learn from the streets what should be taught by me.  My daughter will grow up knowing what love is from both her parents.

The way that Calley looks at me and tells me she loves me, or that I am her angel, or I am the bestest mommy in the world... that love I see in her eyes... I will always work to keep that love she has for me.  I will always be true to my Calley!  

I adore my sons just as much, and feel pain when I think of all the time that has been stolen from us.  I feel pain when I think of how they have been tainted by their father's words about me... I will be here for them when they are ready for me to be their mother again, and will give them the love they so deserve!
We can talk all we want, however it is our actions that children will imitate. From the time they are young children until the teenage years children watch what you say and what you do.    Author unknown.

Blessings to all!!

316 days / 45 weeks to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

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