Day 297 ~ My Fight Continues V

Continued from Days 62, 63, 295 & 296...

As time went on, there were more and more times that I was put aside.  As the dust began to settle, my sons began to live.  My sons began to grow.  They were finally able to live their lives, and that they did.  They started going to sleepovers and parties.. conveniently they it would happen during their time with me.  What was I supposed to do?  Take their complete childhood away?  Hindsight.. I should have put myself first a little more.  Because, as time went on, my sons learned to put their friends first, before their mother.  Again, what was I supposed to do?  Keep them from having friends?  I wanted for them to have a happy healthy life.


More time went by, I found myself alone more without my boys.  The alienation continued.  The     passive aggressive behavior towards me continued.  The bullying continued.  My car had been vandalized at an event that was a last minute outing with my sons, and only their father knew it.  He own his own auto repair shop.  Very easy for him to have one of his flunkies do it for him.  I ended up being stranded for two hours that night, having to call "him" to come get the boys. 

After a couple of more years of the same, and with my sons growing older and older... I made a decision... I moved back home, back to Los Angeles.  Their father agreed to continue vacations and  major holiday trips at my expense... which never transpired.  He renigged on it all.  I was able to have my younger son visit me once, and even then his father called and cut his trip short by a day ("he" wanted my son home one day early, ONE DAY!) ... which caused major heartache on my part and I was out an additional $100 for changing the ticket.  Which he never paid me back.

My eldest son was allowed to come see me once, with my youngest son... it was for my father's funeral..  My sons' father would not allow my sons to be with their (my) family for more than six hours.  I actually paid $800 for my sons to fly down from the Northwest for six hours.  We had to pick them up at the airport at eleven in the morning, and then back at the airport by five that same evening.  They were not allowed to grieve for their grandfather.  The only grandfather they had ever known.

One would think that after twelve years (at the time) the dust would be settled.  I longed for the day that each of my sons would turn 18... hoping that they would have their own voice to finally speak up.  But... The dust never really settled... even after being divorced for nearly nineteen years.  

Y O U   S E E . . .  all this time I have been alienated from my sons.  I have been lied to, as have my sons.  With that said, I have put it all behind me- except for having to relive it all now with these posts, so that I may share my story.  Hold on a moment!  How can anyone ever put this behind them?  Honestly, time only helps to not think about it as much.

As each day passes, I struggle a little less.  I have good days.  I have bad days.  The loss of my sons will forever live inside of me.  Their lack of effort made to be a part of my life will change one day.

T O D A Y . . .  I have Calley.  I thank God for Calley everyday.  I feel so blessed to have been given a second chance at being a mommy.  Although, I must admit that because of the loss of my boys I sometimes catch myself being a little too overprotective over her.  I guess that can't be all bad.  I cherish each moment I have with my daughter, and strive to do right by her.

I have been telling Calley about her brothers from the day she was born, and has met them once (her older brother twice).  The last time she was with her brothers was three and a half years ago, she just had her second birthday before our visit.  


Whenever given a chance, Calley loves to tell people that she has brothers.  Also, there are all the pictures of them on our family walls.  Calley's too cute too, she is always asking about them.  She asks me to tell her stories of when they were little.  She continuously asks me what they like to eat and then will ask for me to make it for her.  At the end of each day, we finish with a prayer for her brothers, to keep them safe and close to God.

Funny thing... recently Calley one day started talking to me about her brothers.  Somewhere in the conversation she innocently assume that her daddy, was their daddy too.  Boy, talk about being put on the spot!  Well I proceeded to tell her that they had a different daddy, and that we had stopped being married.  Somehow as simply as I had put it, she understood.  And then proceeded to ask me if their daddy was part of our family.  OH BOY!  I had to contain myself,  and managed to do so.  I told her that her brothers are part of our family, and their father is part of their family... and since that was the case, we could all be considered an extended family.

I know one day my daughter will know the truth, but until then I will be as honest as I can, without taking her innocence away from her before its time.

I adore my sons, there's no question about it.  But until they are ready to be a part of my life, I will continue to hope for the day we will finally be able really put it behind us and be a family.  I will pray for myself.  I will pray for their safety.  Above all, I will pray for them to one day meet, fall in love with and marry wonderful Christian girls.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.  ~Elizabeth Stone

Continued with my final thoughts on Day 298.


Blessings to all!!

68 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 237 ~ I Forgave Him Because I Had To

ON OFF ON OFF ON OFF... I have literally been staring at a blinking cursor for the last two hours.  I have been sitting in a trans just thinking about my sons.  They are grown up.  24, and in twenty-three days my youngest of my two will be 21.  Boy do I miss them.  

It's been a while since I have reminisced about my boys of when they were little.  We were inseparable up until my eldest son turned six.  Breaks my heart to even think about the years we struggled to be together, while their father manipulated and calculated ... that's when all hell broke loose in my marriage to their father.  That's all I'll say right now.  Ouch.  Still is very painful, even after all this time.

I forgave myself a long time ago for my part in it all.  I do want to say, that even though I hate what their father did to me and I rip on "that" marriage, I did love that man once.  I was in love with him.

There were good times... and then there were bad times.  Regardless, I took our marriage serious and was true to him, and our marriage until the end.  There's so much a person can take.

My funny Valentine'  ~ February 1994

There were many things that went wrong with it... but when trust went out the window, that was it.  We both failed.  Sad thing is that we failed our sons above all.  He failed for keeping them from their mother.  I failed for allowing it all to happen.

Never the less... that marriage ended December of 1993, eighteen years ago and "that" man still can't let it go.  He has never encouraged a relationship between my sons and me... actually quite the opposite.  


It may seem as if I can not let it go, not true.  I let go a long time ago.  I wished him happiness a long time ago.  I had to start my life over again, a long time ago.  I found new love, a long time ago.  

I am not writing this to bash him.  After all he is the father of my sons.  But, that is where is stops.  I no longer consider him (and this will be the one and only time you will hear me say it) "my ex-husband".  That will be the last time you read that in print.  He is nothing to "me" now.  I forgave him, because I had to as a good Christian and that's it.  I know I am being harsh or hostile toward him, and that in itself is not Christian... but I am working on it.  

Nevertheless, I miss my sons so much.   The past is the past, and must remain there.  We can't do anything about it.

Tomorrow?  Well tomorrow, I will always be here for you.  and... Tomorrow will be awesome!  


I trust in you God.

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  John 15:7 (NIV)

Blessings to all!!

128 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Image(s) courtesy of google images.

Day 187 ~ My Fight Continues... Part Three

Days 62 and Day 63 I began to tell you the painful story of the loss of my two sons, to their father.  When I first brought this up one hundred twenty-four days ago, I did not expect it to take me this long to continue.  It is  not easy reliving those days.

Last I left off on Day 63, was that I had received the results to the MMPI, another psychological test and a polygraph test.  Let me tell you... I walked in there with nothing to hide and they still try to strip you of your dignity!

When it comes to a possible wrong doing against a child, the accused (me in this case), is guilty until proven innocent.  Nothing is taken for granted.  It is amazing, how Child Protective Services can come into your life, toss it all upside down and all over the place, put you and your life under a microscope and then excuse themselves as if nothing ever happen! 

Wrong... something did happen!  Finally, after nine months of trying to prove my innocence and waiting for the appointment to take a test, then another month for the results, then another week for an appointment with a Guardian ad litem, I was finally granted a supervised visit with my sons with the Guardian ad Litem present.  

Wow, I think by this time my sons were about eight and a half and four [roughly] it was more or less 1996... and I felt like a complete stranger.  I was given instructions  prior to my visit with my boys, I was not allowed to touch them or hug them unless "they" initiated the contact.  It was such an awkward moment.  We, my children and I have always been very demonstrative of our love... meaning we would hug, give and get kisses on the cheeks (my boys would give me kisses, and I would return them)... all the innocence of our mother/son(s) relationship was stripped from us!

Fast forward to July of 2009, I get a friend request on one of the social networks, from the newest of the soon to be ex-wives club member!  Meaning, that the father of my sons (I call him this because I do not want to give him the honor of being called "my" anything!) was getting divorce number three!  Anyways, tonight's post is not about that... we can leave that for another post.  The point I am trying to make here is that she, ex-wife number three, admitted to ALL of his lies.  

What a coward!  Instead of playing fair, he was being spiteful at my and my son's relationship's expense.  He didn't care.  So many times he looked at me as if saying he had no clue where everything was coming from, or blaming his wife... when all along he had been behind all the lies, all the loss time from my sons, the heartache he caused between my children and I.  Their father had been behind it all!

Today, I only think of this when I have to write it down.  It is very painful to relive the time apart from my children.  The privilege of being a day to day parent... all stolen!

I wrote about the fact that loosing my boys this way is worse than loosing them to death. At least with death, there is finality.  There isn't someone bad mouthing your character, as well and poisoning their opinions of you.  

It is a hard thing to explain when someone strips you from being a parent to your children.  They make it difficult, as well as uncomfortable for communication. 

I want to end this post on two positive notes.  First off... although it has been eighteen years since my divorce was final to the father of my children, I am now learning to let go and dare I say it... forgive him.  Not for him... for me.  For my peace.  I will not allow him to hurt me anymore.

I thank God and Jesus for giving me the gift of being a mother a third time.  The privilege of being a parent is definitely God given.  Thank you for giving me Calley.  Thank you.  

On a final note... today I woke up to the honor of being a Featured voiceBoks member.  I do not know what I did to bestow such an honor.  However... I am very grateful and humbled by it all.  Thank you!!  I do have to say that I have looked for camaraderie like this for a long time... I have been blessed to have met some pretty amazing women bloggers out there.  I am nothing compared to some of the talent I am reading!  I sincerely look forward to developing some amazing relationships!!  I feel it in my bones!!

The quote I will leave you with this evening in one that should be taken to heart by all parents.

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother”. - Theodore Hesburgh, American Priest

Blessings to all!!

178 days to go...

PS... I love and miss you boys.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 103 ~ Dimmer Switch Gets A Little Brighter

As the saying goes... Art Imitating Life, or is it Life Imitating Art?  

Why someone would choose to follow a story(ies) for over three decades is beyond me!!  

Oh... I'm sure I am not alone on this... I have been hooked on All My Children, One Life to Live and General Hospital since I was in high school... Hello, my name is Carla and I am a soapaholic!  

In one way or another, I have grown up with these soaps.  I have learned from them and laughed at them... I have gotten mad at them and turned them off for months... only to come back to see that life had not changed... not for them and not for me.

Now after nearly forty-two years, this week is the last week that ABC's All My Children will air on television.  One Life to Live will go off air in January of 2012.  Did find out from one of my friends that both shows will continue online.  After further investigation on my part, both shows were purchased by Prospect Park, which will continue to produce and air the shows online.  That's about as much as I know, now anyways.

Anyway, I mentioned art imitating life or visa-versa... whilst watching AMC today, and balling my eyes, for a good part of the show, with the good-byes starting, and the story lines ending ever so bitter-sweetly... some of the lines spoken whilst looking back on their television lives... took me on the same journey with my own life.

Yes... while walking down memory lane I see that life has taken its swings at me, and then, I have made my own mistakes and a few good choices too...  and in some instances it may have taken me a while, but I have learned from my experiences... both good and bad.

SO... today, as the dimmer switch went on a little higher.  I took a good long look at myself and the dark cloud that has been hovering over me.  Which is the loss and lack of relationship with my sons... I realized that since I lost them nearly eighteen years ago, all my decisions and actions have been based because of this loss, or with this loss hovering above me all the while lingering and darkening my heart.

I wish you could understand it...  how I feel I mean... maybe you do?... loosing my boys was like loosing my life... It wasn't like I lost them to death and that's it... they stop living and you don't have them anymore, except for memories.  They were alive, out there living their lives without me, without their mother... and I do not care what anyone says... a child needs their mother!  [This is with the understanding that we are talking about a good mother.]

Their father did everything in his power to alienate them from me and poison their minds.  I made the mistake of moving back home at a time in my life that I was drinking a lot and felt that I could not allow them to see me in that light... and that maybe being closer to my parents would help since they were getting older themselves.

Something my son said to me the other day when I asked him what if I moved back to the northwest near he and his brother... He reminded me that he has plans, as does his brother, and it would not be like it was when he was twelve... and that if I wanted to do something like that I had to think of myself, do it for myself.  Right then, at that moment, the light went on... I had lost my boys and I would never get them back.  

My sons are gone, and grown... and all I can do now is pray that God will watch over them and guide them, and put a wonderful girl in their paths that will help them do good, live good and be happy.  

The time has come for me to allow myself to mourn the loss of my sons, and with it the hope they would come back to me one day.  That time is gone forever, for now they are men and have their own lives to live.  With that I hope that they always know that my heart and my door will always be open to them when they are ready to know me.

NOW... What I do have is my daughter.  God has given me within her, the opportunity to be the mother she deserves.  I have also been given the opportunity to live up to the mom I was and wanted to be for my sons.  Calley deserves a happy life, the life I always wanted, the life I always wanted to give my boys... I will give it to her.

I also have to be grateful for my husband... for as many lows as I have gone through because of my loss... my ups and downs... probably more downs than anything... he still is beside me.  I love you Dino!

I have given myself permission to mourn the loss of my boys, accept the fact that I will never have them back again, for they are now grown.  I leave the rest in God's hands, along with my faith in him for what he sees me fit to do... which is raise my little girl with all the love she deserves to be raised with.  The rest is as they say... is in His hands.

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.  ~William Shakespeare

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.     ~From the television show The Wonder Years

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown 

Blessings to all!!


262 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.   

Day 99 ~ Have You Had A Good Cry Lately?

Today was a day that... well... that has opened my eyes to a few things once again!  More like has shined a new light onto things.

I once again woke up on the wrong side of my bed... then as I found myself doing things, I also noticed a very dark cloud over my head.  Then next thing, all I could say was...

"Why  me? ... Why me?"

~ Why was I born to a father who cared more about chasing skirts, than the well being or  even the legacy he would leave his children; who also had no problem belittling me, verbally abusing me- regardless if there was an audience or not!  He also had no problem embellishing any truths... be it his own or mine - which only told me that I did not make him proud enough.

.  

I remember his last wife, number four to be exact- that's if he was being honest about that (for all I know could have been number 5 or 6 at this point!) who knows... anyways... I remember her telling me one that she said my father was a liar...I remember it as if it was yesterday... 'if your father was to tell me it was raining outside... I'd have to go to the window and check.for myself--- that's how much I believe him!"   ...  boy that said a lot... about the both of them!

~ A mother who herself did not have the best examples of what a mother should be, being that her mother herself does not give the best examples, even with how she treats her own children... (for whatever reason my mother ended up being raised by her two great-aunts), then to think...  she thought she found her knight in shinning armor, only to be unfortunate enough to get pregnant from a one night stand (result = me), and then having two more children (I can't explain that one- other than they both came from affluent families, and it happened to be the sixties... in their defense, they both were sober)... as time went on, she finally spent over forty years battling mental illnesses including depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and postpartum depression (in the 60's when they had no clue what PPD was, they thought she had schizophrenia and ended they ended up giving her over seventeen shock treatments).

~  My sister, brother and I, are and were mere products of our parent's screw ups! and their mental disorders... As far as my father was concerned- well he believed that my grandfather was not his biological father, and his mother took the truth to her grave with her... he was spoiled by his mother and in her eyes could never do wrong....

Feeling the need to end this cycle... I sought a therapist.. (many years ago)

During  one of my therapy sessions while discussing my father... my therapist pulled out one of her books and had me read the definition of a narcissist...

I cried .... it described my father to a "t".

So after taking a long look at my life and how I have reacted to life and its trials it has given me...

I have come to the conclusion that I am a harsh person, who is very rough around the edges.  -On one hand it bothers me very much because it reminds me a lot of my father... and on the other... I am saddened by it. 

Why?

My heart is hurting right now so much ... I really need a friend to talk to...  however... when the phone barely rings once and goes directly to voice mail... 

I'm sure you can begin to understand.....

All I can do right now is look back at how I have acted towards people and the reasons behind it... I was about to say ... it's not because I am a bi*&h...

Life, its trials, experiences, being at the right place at the wrong time and mean people have made me a bitter person... and for the few friends I do have... you have been around long enough to be a first hand witness and understand what has happened to me.

It is such a sad and lonely feeling knowing that you do not have anyone to talk to when you are at a low place in your life.

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.  ~- Barbara de Angelis   

Don't run from lessons;  they are little packages of treasures that have been given to us.  As we learn from them, our lives change for the better.  I now rejoice whenever I see another portion of the dark side of myself.  I know that it means that I am ready to let go of something that has been hindering my life.  I say, "Thank you for showing me this, so I can heal it and move on,"   ~ Louise l. Hay

Blessings to all!!


266 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 98 ~ Logan... A True Blessing

Mommy & Addison 1989

It was 1990 and my life was somewhat complicated.  I was twenty-seven years old, and had been taking part in a one sided marriage for over four years... (meaning I was the one married- and he was still... playing the field)... the blessing of it all... was that I had a beautiful two and a half year old little boy, I called Addison.

My marriage was going through troubles; I came home one day to find my home had been emptied and forced into a separation that lasted for six months. (What a p.o.s.- he moved out while I was at work!)  I had always told myself that until I could honestly look at myself in the mirror and honestly say I gave it my all, that I would stick it out..


A couple of months later, I had arranged a birthday party for Addison's third birthday at Chuck E Cheese, and it was there that my aunt and uncle had put a bug in my ear... they mentioned that I had a glow about me and that I looked pregnant.


Shortly after my aunt and uncle's suspicion was confirmed... I found out I was pregnant with my second baby... a complete surprise... a blessing in my eyes!!  So this told me to give our marriage another change. 

Becoming overwhelmed with joy with wanting to share the beautiful news with the man I loved, the man thought I would spend the rest of my life with, the father of my children... his response..."WHAT! Are you trying to trap me? You planned this!?" on and on... after a while I was numb to what he was saying.  RED FLAG NUMBER ONE!!

What! was he stupid or something!?  We had already been married nearly five years and already had a beautiful little boy... Trapped? What an idiot!!


Oh my... I can not even begin to tell you all the thoughts that were going through my mind... my mind was going a mile a minute with overwhelming thoughts.  Let's just say that this conversation did not end pretty... and if anything it should have taken notice to RED FLAG NUMBER TWO!!


Compared to my being pregnant with Addison... this pregnancy was the most horrible experience I went through!  with the exception of having Addison by my side.


Bret was so much a part of my first pregnancy; talking to the baby; playing with my belly; going to all my doctor appointments, etc..


When it came to my pregnancy with Logan... All I can say it that I thank God for Addison!!  If it wasn't for my sweet little boy, I would have gone through it alone!, Bret called me fat, made excuses for not going to doctor appointments, never touched my belly or talked to it... however I later found out that he had plenty of time for extra curricular activities! and his attention was going elsewhere.

As time went on... Addison, well let's just say he was my bestest friend ever!  It wasn't about me having another baby, it was about Addison becoming a big brother!  He went to all my Obstetrical/Gynecological (OBGYN) appointments with me- when appropriate of course.  :)  He was there for the first time we saw our new family baby, first heartbeat and even when we found out he was to have a "little brother"!

When I was about five months pregnant, Addison and I had been looking at baby names in one of those books with well over 20,000 names..!!  for his little brother, and we came across "Logan" .... strangest thing then happened, Bret came home moments later he was telling us that he had seen the coolest name at the gym... "Logan"....  Guess what LOGAN it is!!!  


As a side note, Bret tried changing Logan's name several time, and Addison and I said NO!  Our baby is Logan!

Literally, the next day, I had been doing laundry... came across an infamous "little black book"... and as all good wives would do, I read it... RED FLAG NUMBER THREE!!

After a few hours of getting my thoughts straight, I found myself having having a very enlightening and lengthy conversation with this lovely lady... I came to find out that Bret had told her that Bret and I had been separated for months, about to divorce, and that I would not allow him to see our son except for every other weekend,- I even went as far as sharing with her that we were expecting child number two!  RED FLAG NUMBER FOUR!!


When I called him out on it when he got home from work...Can you believe it, eventually, in his defense, somehow in his crazy mind, he said it was my fault that he had his "little black book"

ONE WORD---->  WOW!!!

After all, at this point, I was five months pregnant with Logan, and we were making plans to move into a bigger home in Valencia.

Addison 5 and Logan 1-1/2

This was not the first incident like this... once we moved to Valencia and Logan had just turned one, I found out that Bret had been having six month relationship (which I later found out he continued it for another year, including having dinner with her parents, fixing their cars..etc) with another woman, who by the way could care less that he was married and had two children... RED FLAG NUMBER FIVE!!

Three months later, I ignorantly made the decision that we should go ahead and move to Seattle....  S T U P I D --->   S T U P I D ---->  S T U P I D !!! It only continued there!  Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater!

By the time Logan was two, we had filed for divorce... even with the experience of my own parent's divorce, seeing things I swore I would not do....  

Addison 19, Logan 15, Calley in belly
Mother's Day 2006

Bret on the other hand did not allow anything to stop him... all he cared about was destroying me, my relationship with my boys... parent alienation, perjury, getting his neighbors to lie, friends to lie, sabotaging my car, getting me fired from a job, lying to my children, brainwashing my children.... and so much more...

Why do I bring this up tonight.... well, I have not been able to speak to my son.  He does not answer my calls or texts.  Does not return calls.  Does not call when he says he is going to.

Something is wrong,  A mother knows.  I feel it.  I feel it in my heart. 

Dear Lord;  I am giving you my son, Logan.  I ask that you watch over him.  Be his conscious, help him do right and turn his back to all wrongdoing that comes in his path.  Please soften his heart and place good Christian, positive people in his path and his heart.  

Logan, without you in my life, a big part of my heart, soul and life is missing.  Without you in my life, I am not complete. 

A Prayer for my Son

 Almighty God,

Watch over my child.

In an age of violence, teach him peace.
Fill his soul with harmony rather than discord.
Protect him from injury, harm and sudden death at the hands of others.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
In an age of materialism, selfishness, and greed,
Let him see beyond the things of this world so that he may see a glimpse of things spiritual.
Let him value others above himself.
Let him seek wisdom above wealth.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
In an age of lust, let him know love.
In an age of gratification, let him know restraint.
Keep him sexually chaste and self controlled.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
As he grows, guide him.
As he stumbles, hold him.
In his times of anger, love him.
In his times of fear, touch him.
In his times of foolishness, teach him.
When he strays from your path, retrieve your lost sheep.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
Do not grant all the desires of his heart,
But grant all the needs of his soul.
Let him know sacrifice and discipline
So that he may know strength and faith.
As gold is placed in fire to be refined,
Give my child pain and suffering
So that he may lose those things in his heart and mind that are harmful to his soul.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
Give him love for the beauty of the world you have made.
Give him love for the family and friends.
Give him love for the stranger in his midst.
And above all, give him love for you,
That he may know you,
Serve you,
And glorify you.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
Forgive his parents when they have failed in the nurture of this child,
And quiet their worries and fears.
May they, trusting in your love for their child,
find rest and peace in the knowledge that you are with him.

Amen.

Blessings to all!!


267 days / 38 weeks to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 62 ~ My Fight Begins!! ... Part One

Today was one of "those" days!...  Actually, to be quite honest, it is a continuation of yesterday.  

This is what I hate most about thinking and acting upon missing my boys...  It sends me for a spin every time, and my whole world turns gray.

I am still trying to be ... NO... I AM! being positive... it's just that I tripped and am having a hard time getting up.

I know that I have been vague about what actually went down with my divorce and why my boys aren't with me... I just hate re-hashing it.  However, if my goal is to help some one other than myself... then, I have to put it out there.

When their father and I decided to split, first of all, the boys were only going to be with him temporarily until I got a bigger place... so that was STUPID DECISION NO. 1!

As time went on it was ok... Then "HE" decided to file for divorce.  It took me for a shock, but I went with it.  "HE" told me that he would pay for the attorney and "take care" of everything.

OH HE TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING ALRIGHT!!

STUPID DECISION NO. 2!!

LA Kings - Courtesy of Bing images

When I read the final papers... he had custody of my boys and there wasn't any visitation or holidays listed.  I WAS SPEECHLESS!!  and THE GLOVES CAME OFF!

Later, it was VERY apparent that he later took his gloves off too!~ and not only does "he" not play nice, but "he" doesn't play by the book either!

This not only completely hurt me, but he infuriated me as well!..  I sought the advise of an attorney and ended retaining him as well.

This did not sit well with the "EX"!  Not at all!  I was basically spitting in his face for his so called "trust me".

Side note:  when someone says "TRUST ME"...this is a RED FLAG!!  DON"T!!

I thought everything went well... without a humongous court battle, I was given rights, holidays and appropriate time with my boys.  I know I had made "HIM" mad... but I could not let it sit that way.

I thought my life was going on "its" way after the six months we had spent adjusting our "family plan"

Then one day at work... I was bar-tending at the time (helped me pay for the attorney and left my days free to go to court etc.)  Prior to this job, I had been let go from my travel agent position due to "too many personal problems."  "HE" had been calling me and harassing me at work and my boss could not take it anymore.

Courtesy of Bing images

As I said, I had been at work... and as soon as my shift ended and I was about to balance out my till etc... and then this "IDIOT" I had been serving and been talking to for at least two hours, asked me my name, and then said those magical words... "YOU HAVE BEEN SERVED!!"  

I had been served with a restraining order to stay away from my boys... I immediately called "HIM" to ask he what was up... and according to "him"... "HE" had no clue!  

And with that, it started my three year night mare and my fight for my children.

I showed up to my court hearing regarding the restraining order, only to find out that I was being accused of "inappropriately touching" my then three year old!!

The walk back to my car, well "HE" offered me a ride to my car... and the entire time "HE" played stupid... not knowing what it was all about.

The stupid one was me... for ever thinking that "HE" could be trusted... that "HE" would take care of me...  that "HE" was looking out for all of our best interests!

Six words...

HOW STUPID COULD I HAVE BEEN!  ...

to be continued...

Nothing can stop the person with the right mental attitude from achieving their goal; nothing on earth can help the person with the wrong mental attitude.
Thomas Jefferson

Blessings to all!!

303 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.