Saturday, March 31, 2012

Day 297 ~ My Fight Continues V

Continued from Days 6263295 & 296...

As time went on, there were more and more times that I was put aside.  As the dust began to settle, my sons began to live.  My sons began to grow.  They were finally able to live their lives, and that they did.  They started going to sleepovers and parties.. conveniently they it would happen during their time with me.  What was I supposed to do?  Take their complete childhood away?  Hindsight.. I should have put myself first a little more.  Because, as time went on, my sons learned to put their friends first, before their mother.  Again, what was I supposed to do?  Keep them from having friends?  I wanted for them to have a happy healthy life.

More time went by, I found myself alone more without my boys.  The alienation continued.  The     passive aggressive behavior towards me continued.  The bullying continued.  My car had been vandalized at an event that was a last minute outing with my sons, and only their father knew it.  He own his own auto repair shop.  Very easy for him to have one of his flunkies do it for him.  I ended up being stranded for two hours that night, having to call "him" to come get the boys. 

After a couple of more years of the same, and with my sons growing older and older... I made a decision... I moved back home, back to Los Angeles.  Their father agreed to continue vacations and  major holiday trips at my expense... which never transpired.  He renigged on it all.  I was able to have my younger son visit me once, and even then his father called and cut his trip short by a day ("he" wanted my son home one day early, ONE DAY!) ... which caused major heartache on my part and I was out an additional $100 for changing the ticket.  Which he never paid me back.

My eldest son was allowed to come see me once, with my youngest son... it was for my father's funeral..  My sons' father would not allow my sons to be with their (my) family for more than six hours.  I actually paid $800 for my sons to fly down from the Northwest for six hours.  We had to pick them up at the airport at eleven in the morning, and then back at the airport by five that same evening.  They were not allowed to grieve for their grandfather.  The only grandfather they had ever known.

One would think that after twelve years (at the time) the dust would be settled.  I longed for the day that each of my sons would turn 18... hoping that they would have their own voice to finally speak up.  But... The dust never really settled... even after being divorced for nearly nineteen years.  

Y O U   S E E . . .  all this time I have been alienated from my sons.  I have been lied to, as have my sons.  With that said, I have put it all behind me- except for having to relive it all now with these posts, so that I may share my story.  Hold on a moment!  How can anyone ever put this behind them?  Honestly, time only helps to not think about it as much.

As each day passes, I struggle a little less.  I have good days.  I have bad days.  The loss of my sons will forever live inside of me.  Their lack of effort made to be a part of my life will change one day.

T O D A Y . . .  I have Calley.  I thank God for Calley everyday.  I feel so blessed to have been given a second chance at being a mommy.  Although, I must admit that because of the loss of my boys I sometimes catch myself being a little too overprotective over her.  I guess that can't be all bad.  I cherish each moment I have with my daughter, and strive to do right by her.

I have been telling Calley about her brothers from the day she was born, and has met them once (her older brother twice).  The last time she was with her brothers was three and a half years ago, she just had her second birthday before our visit.  

Whenever given a chance, Calley loves to tell people that she has brothers.  Also, there are all the pictures of them on our family walls.  Calley's too cute too, she is always asking about them.  She asks me to tell her stories of when they were little.  She continuously asks me what they like to eat and then will ask for me to make it for her.  At the end of each day, we finish with a prayer for her brothers, to keep them safe and close to God.

Funny thing... recently Calley one day started talking to me about her brothers.  Somewhere in the conversation she innocently assume that her daddy, was their daddy too.  Boy, talk about being put on the spot!  Well I proceeded to tell her that they had a different daddy, and that we had stopped being married.  Somehow as simply as I had put it, she understood.  And then proceeded to ask me if their daddy was part of our family.  OH BOY!  I had to contain myself,  and managed to do so.  I told her that her brothers are part of our family, and their father is part of their family... and since that was the case, we could all be considered an extended family.

I know one day my daughter will know the truth, but until then I will be as honest as I can, without taking her innocence away from her before its time.

I adore my sons, there's no question about it.  But until they are ready to be a part of my life, I will continue to hope for the day we will finally be able really put it behind us and be a family.  I will pray for myself.  I will pray for their safety.  Above all, I will pray for them to one day meet, fall in love with and marry wonderful Christian girls.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.  ~Elizabeth Stone
Continued with my final thoughts on Day 298.

Blessings to all!!

68 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©


Kenya G. Johnson said...

Carla, today was the first time I went to read your bio. Therefore it connected the dots.I don't know what to say but I think blogging has been good for you. Side note I too was inspired by Julia & Julia though I had no idea what I would blog ago. Wow look at how close you are to 365! I would say your book is here, all you have to do it piece it together when your time is up. Best wishes. The ending quote though I've seen it many time before gave me goosebumps.

Carla Karam said...

Kenya... my friend... Blogging has been wonderful to me! I wish I would have started sooner, however I know that timing is everything which God plays a big roll in. I hope to be more positive from here on. I've used the ending quote before, but somehow it seemed more appropriate with this post. Blessings.

Anonymous said...

Karla, I just love your blog posts, they just have me thinking about what you have gone through and still going through, thanks so much for sharing this with us. Be Blessed

Anne @ Green Eggs and Moms said...

It's so nice to see a picture of them together and lovely to know you're daughter loves her brothers so much!

Angela said...

This is the first time I have been to your blog. I have read three of your post and I have to say "I am sorry for the heartache you have been through, and your boys". I have experienced something close to what you have and I know it tares your heart out. That doesn't even describe it! I hope that one day your sons come to realize how much you love them. God bless you! I am wishing only happiness for you! Thanks for sharing!