Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Day 279 ~ Something's Gotta Give

After a deep sigh and a good roll of my eyeballs, I finally am able to start... I was going to say typing away because it seems so natural to say so (at least for me) ... but I guess keyboarding away would be more appropriate now-a-days?  For some reason it just doesn't roll off the tongue as naturally... to me anyways.

Today was a day of reflection for me.  Reflecting upon myself that is.

What prompted this?

I watched Something's Gotta Give, with Diane Keaton, Jack Nicholson, Keanu Reeves and Amanda Pete... as well as other greats.  As the movie began and I began to learn who the characters were being portrayed and their accomplishments... I was forced to look at myself [in the mirror] and be 100% honest with myself.  

Diane Keaton is an all time favorite of mine.  Actress, and woman of many accomplishments in her own right!  Her character, Erica Barry, in this movie was an accomplished writer, with an adult daughter, portrayed by Amanda Pete, who also was a successful woman herself.

As I honestly was forced to look at myself, first off I can tell you that my best accomplishments are my three children.  I am truly blessed.  No matter what.  Other than that, I have a list of accomplishments (or rather jobs) that I have under my belt... yet I am master of none.  I'm really down on myself because i can not decide on what "dream" to follow.

I don't know if you understand.  I don't know if it's my not being motivated...(let's call it what it is)... or if it's not believing in myself in order to follow through on my ideas?  I am dumbfounded.  I just do not understand what is holding me back.  What is it that I am I allowing to keep me from getting motivated?  

I feel as if my candle has been blown out.  I don't know what other better way of explaining the emptiness I feel.  I want to be driven to do the things I am suppose to be doing.  I want to be driven, period.

To be very honest with you, the fact that my birthday is a little over a week away... well let's just say... I am not welcoming "my" special day with the same open arms of years gone by.  Why?... well... (as I take a big swallow) ... I turning forty-nine... which then begins the count down to the BIG FIVE-O!

Having the half of century milestone around the corner, has me examining my life... and my accomplishments...

I need to get out of this rut I am in.  I need to think of something big to do.  This is for myself.  I need to have something positive to look forward to... to take the focus off of "the" approaching milestone.

I just do not want to have another gloomy day tomorrow as I did today.  I don't know that I will become the play-write that Diane Keaton's character is portrayed to be... however.... I need to look for my "own" fire.

I do not want to openly profess that I am going to do something... even though I really want to do something.  However... I am going to toss this idea around and see if I can come up with something by my birthday, an idea that will turn my engine on and get me going!  As the title implies... Something's gotta give!   
Marin: Are you crying? 
Erica Barry: Yeah. It's my new thing. I've gotten abnormally brilliant at it. 
Marin: Why? What is it? 
Erica Barry: I'm in love. Ain't it great? Seems like I gotta learn how to that... love-them-and-leave-them stuff, you know? 
Marin: Oh mom, I hate this. Now do you get my theory about all this? You gotta self-protect. 
Erica Barry: You don't really buy this stuff you say, do you? You don't actually think that you can outsmart getting hurt? 
Marin: I think it's worth trying. 
Erica Barry: Listen to me. You can't hide from love for the rest of your life because maybe it won't work out... maybe you'll become unglued? It's just not a way to live. 
Marin: Are you telling me this is good? What's happened to you? 
Erica Barry: I think you should consider the possibility that you and I are more alike than you realize. I let someone in, and I had the time of my life. 
Marin: I've never had the time of my life. 
Erica Barry: I know, baby. And I say this from the deepest part of my heart. What are you waiting for? 
Scene from "Something's Gotta Give" 
Blessings to all!!

86 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Some images courtesy of google and bing images.  U.S Copyright laws may apply.  ©


Elisabeth Hirsch said...

I love Something's Gotta Give.

I wrote about something similar on my blog.

I really like what you wrote about your children. They sound amazing.

I hope you'll have a wonderful birthday. I'll be praying for you ;)

Czjai Reyes-Ocampo said...

Nice to see you back, Carla! Looking forward to your big day! :)

Kenya G. Johnson said...

I love that movie and I want to see it again because I forgot she was a writer. Let's call what you are going through "a birthday approaching rut". Your candle is just trying to survive a breeze that's not in your favor. I bet once you get that day over with (but try to enjoy it) your flame will steady and you will start to figure things out. That is my birthday wish for you. By the way I'm typing this (never stopped saying it).

Perspective Parenting said...

I used to have a poster in my counseling office (for me and the kids) that said "what would you do if you knew you would not fail?" Maybe your birthday present to yourself could be answering that very question.