Monday, December 12, 2011

Day 187 ~ My Fight Continues... Part Three

Days 62 and Day 63 I began to tell you the painful story of the loss of my two sons, to their father.  When I first brought this up one hundred twenty-four days ago, I did not expect it to take me this long to continue.  It is  not easy reliving those days.

Last I left off on Day 63, was that I had received the results to the MMPI, another psychological test and a polygraph test.  Let me tell you... I walked in there with nothing to hide and they still try to strip you of your dignity!

When it comes to a possible wrong doing against a child, the accused (me in this case), is guilty until proven innocent.  Nothing is taken for granted.  It is amazing, how Child Protective Services can come into your life, toss it all upside down and all over the place, put you and your life under a microscope and then excuse themselves as if nothing ever happen! 

Wrong... something did happen!  Finally, after nine months of trying to prove my innocence and waiting for the appointment to take a test, then another month for the results, then another week for an appointment with a Guardian ad litem, I was finally granted a supervised visit with my sons with the Guardian ad Litem present.  

Wow, I think by this time my sons were about eight and a half and four [roughly] it was more or less 1996... and I felt like a complete stranger.  I was given instructions  prior to my visit with my boys, I was not allowed to touch them or hug them unless "they" initiated the contact.  It was such an awkward moment.  We, my children and I have always been very demonstrative of our love... meaning we would hug, give and get kisses on the cheeks (my boys would give me kisses, and I would return them)... all the innocence of our mother/son(s) relationship was stripped from us!

Fast forward to July of 2009, I get a friend request on one of the social networks, from the newest of the soon to be ex-wives club member!  Meaning, that the father of my sons (I call him this because I do not want to give him the honor of being called "my" anything!) was getting divorce number three!  Anyways, tonight's post is not about that... we can leave that for another post.  The point I am trying to make here is that she, ex-wife number three, admitted to ALL of his lies.  

What a coward!  Instead of playing fair, he was being spiteful at my and my son's relationship's expense.  He didn't care.  So many times he looked at me as if saying he had no clue where everything was coming from, or blaming his wife... when all along he had been behind all the lies, all the loss time from my sons, the heartache he caused between my children and I.  Their father had been behind it all!

Today, I only think of this when I have to write it down.  It is very painful to relive the time apart from my children.  The privilege of being a day to day parent... all stolen!

I wrote about the fact that loosing my boys this way is worse than loosing them to death. At least with death, there is finality.  There isn't someone bad mouthing your character, as well and poisoning their opinions of you.  

It is a hard thing to explain when someone strips you from being a parent to your children.  They make it difficult, as well as uncomfortable for communication. 

I want to end this post on two positive notes.  First off... although it has been eighteen years since my divorce was final to the father of my children, I am now learning to let go and dare I say it... forgive him.  Not for him... for me.  For my peace.  I will not allow him to hurt me anymore.

I thank God and Jesus for giving me the gift of being a mother a third time.  The privilege of being a parent is definitely God given.  Thank you for giving me Calley.  Thank you.  

On a final note... today I woke up to the honor of being a Featured voiceBoks member.  I do not know what I did to bestow such an honor.  However... I am very grateful and humbled by it all.  Thank you!!  I do have to say that I have looked for camaraderie like this for a long time... I have been blessed to have met some pretty amazing women bloggers out there.  I am nothing compared to some of the talent I am reading!  I sincerely look forward to developing some amazing relationships!!  I feel it in my bones!!

The quote I will leave you with this evening in one that should be taken to heart by all parents.

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother”. - Theodore Hesburgh, American Priest

Blessings to all!!

178 days to go...

PS... I love and miss you boys.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

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