Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Day 237 ~ I Forgave Him Because I Had To

ON OFF ON OFF ON OFF... I have literally been staring at a blinking cursor for the last two hours.  I have been sitting in a trans just thinking about my sons.  They are grown up.  24, and in twenty-three days my youngest of my two will be 21.  Boy do I miss them.  

It's been a while since I have reminisced about my boys of when they were little.  We were inseparable up until my eldest son turned six.  Breaks my heart to even think about the years we struggled to be together, while their father manipulated and calculated ... that's when all hell broke loose in my marriage to their father.  That's all I'll say right now.  Ouch.  Still is very painful, even after all this time.

I forgave myself a long time ago for my part in it all.  I do want to say, that even though I hate what their father did to me and I rip on "that" marriage, I did love that man once.  I was in love with him.

There were good times... and then there were bad times.  Regardless, I took our marriage serious and was true to him, and our marriage until the end.  There's so much a person can take.

My funny Valentine'  ~ February 1994
There were many things that went wrong with it... but when trust went out the window, that was it.  We both failed.  Sad thing is that we failed our sons above all.  He failed for keeping them from their mother.  I failed for allowing it all to happen.

Never the less... that marriage ended December of 1993, eighteen years ago and "that" man still can't let it go.  He has never encouraged a relationship between my sons and me... actually quite the opposite.  

It may seem as if I can not let it go, not true.  I let go a long time ago.  I wished him happiness a long time ago.  I had to start my life over again, a long time ago.  I found new love, a long time ago.  

I am not writing this to bash him.  After all he is the father of my sons.  But, that is where is stops.  I no longer consider him (and this will be the one and only time you will hear me say it) "my ex-husband".  That will be the last time you read that in print.  He is nothing to "me" now.  I forgave him, because I had to as a good Christian and that's it.  I know I am being harsh or hostile toward him, and that in itself is not Christian... but I am working on it.  

Nevertheless, I miss my sons so much.   The past is the past, and must remain there.  We can't do anything about it.

Tomorrow?  Well tomorrow, I will always be here for you.  and... Tomorrow will be awesome!  

I trust in you God.

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  John 15:7 (NIV)

Blessings to all!!

128 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Image(s) courtesy of google images.

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