Day 387 ~ I Am Second Challenge Day 10 of 22

This is Day 10 of my challenge... {and} my tenth video...

... Vitor Belfort, UFC {Ultimate Fighter Championship} fighter and hero.... from Brazil.

Vitor Belfort: I am Second

Vitor seemed to have been going through the motions, a one sided relationship.  Calling to God when in need... promising the world in return of answered prayers... then never following through with all the promises to follow Christ.


Until the day tragedy happened... his sister had been kidnapped, he found out that she had been assaulted by many... one after another and  ... was never to be seen again.  Vitor turned to God once again, but this time for good.  


I just have nothing as devastating, but the lost of my sons.  That's the only horrendous pain I have ever gone through.


I ... really ... words can not and do not make the pain go away... what can one possibly say to really ease that type of pain?


My heart and prayers go out to Vitor and his family.


Because, He is First... I am Second.

We are Second when we put Jesus First. Seconds are bold to lift up Jesus and tell others. Are you ready to become a stronger Second?

I challenge YOU to take the I Am Second [22] Day Challenge... Can you spare maybe fifteen minutes in a day?

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.  ~Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV)

I AM SECOND.

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Took It... Making It... Living It... My Life .  © 2012  U.S Copyright laws apply.   

Day 99 ~ Have You Had A Good Cry Lately?

Today was a day that... well... that has opened my eyes to a few things once again!  More like has shined a new light onto things.

I once again woke up on the wrong side of my bed... then as I found myself doing things, I also noticed a very dark cloud over my head.  Then next thing, all I could say was...

"Why  me? ... Why me?"

~ Why was I born to a father who cared more about chasing skirts, than the well being or  even the legacy he would leave his children; who also had no problem belittling me, verbally abusing me- regardless if there was an audience or not!  He also had no problem embellishing any truths... be it his own or mine - which only told me that I did not make him proud enough.

.  

I remember his last wife, number four to be exact- that's if he was being honest about that (for all I know could have been number 5 or 6 at this point!) who knows... anyways... I remember her telling me one that she said my father was a liar...I remember it as if it was yesterday... 'if your father was to tell me it was raining outside... I'd have to go to the window and check.for myself--- that's how much I believe him!"   ...  boy that said a lot... about the both of them!

~ A mother who herself did not have the best examples of what a mother should be, being that her mother herself does not give the best examples, even with how she treats her own children... (for whatever reason my mother ended up being raised by her two great-aunts), then to think...  she thought she found her knight in shinning armor, only to be unfortunate enough to get pregnant from a one night stand (result = me), and then having two more children (I can't explain that one- other than they both came from affluent families, and it happened to be the sixties... in their defense, they both were sober)... as time went on, she finally spent over forty years battling mental illnesses including depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and postpartum depression (in the 60's when they had no clue what PPD was, they thought she had schizophrenia and ended they ended up giving her over seventeen shock treatments).

~  My sister, brother and I, are and were mere products of our parent's screw ups! and their mental disorders... As far as my father was concerned- well he believed that my grandfather was not his biological father, and his mother took the truth to her grave with her... he was spoiled by his mother and in her eyes could never do wrong....

Feeling the need to end this cycle... I sought a therapist.. (many years ago)

During  one of my therapy sessions while discussing my father... my therapist pulled out one of her books and had me read the definition of a narcissist...

I cried .... it described my father to a "t".

So after taking a long look at my life and how I have reacted to life and its trials it has given me...

I have come to the conclusion that I am a harsh person, who is very rough around the edges.  -On one hand it bothers me very much because it reminds me a lot of my father... and on the other... I am saddened by it. 

Why?

My heart is hurting right now so much ... I really need a friend to talk to...  however... when the phone barely rings once and goes directly to voice mail... 

I'm sure you can begin to understand.....

All I can do right now is look back at how I have acted towards people and the reasons behind it... I was about to say ... it's not because I am a bi*&h...

Life, its trials, experiences, being at the right place at the wrong time and mean people have made me a bitter person... and for the few friends I do have... you have been around long enough to be a first hand witness and understand what has happened to me.

It is such a sad and lonely feeling knowing that you do not have anyone to talk to when you are at a low place in your life.

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.  ~- Barbara de Angelis   

Don't run from lessons;  they are little packages of treasures that have been given to us.  As we learn from them, our lives change for the better.  I now rejoice whenever I see another portion of the dark side of myself.  I know that it means that I am ready to let go of something that has been hindering my life.  I say, "Thank you for showing me this, so I can heal it and move on,"   ~ Louise l. Hay

Blessings to all!!


266 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 74 ~ Ouch! I Can't Stand Up!

courtesy of Bing images

Threw my back out sleeping last night!  Yes sleeping!... How is that possible? you ask...  All I can say is that it is possible and I don't know how it happened... but it did!

So with that said... I am having a very difficult time writing.  I tried it sitting at the table... no, that didn't do it... lasted only five minutes.  And then after what seemed an entire production just to get my laptop set up so that I can write in bed... well I've managed to be able to last a little longer than the five minutes... but that's not to say that I am not in pain - because I am.

courtesy of Bing images

Well, with all that said... Tonight's post will a short one, being continued in the morning (God willing.)  I am also going to go to bed thinking positive thoughts, so that when I get up tomorrow... I will be as good as new.  

I believe... that either you control your attitude or it controls you.  ~ author unknown

Nothing is impossible... the word itself says "I'M POSSIBLE"!  ~ Audrey Hepburn

 You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.  - author unknown.

Blessings to all!!

291 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 19 ~ Learning The Hard Way

Alright I just got sucked into "The Bachelorette" on ABC once again... Oh brother!!  There are times that I just want to jump into the television and scream at Ashley!  I was so happy when "that" Bentley left... WHAT A JERK!!!  (Must be his way for getting back at his mother naming him that!)  

Honestly, I think we (all us dolls) have had a "Bentley" in our lives at one point or another.  I know I can say that I have had my share.  Yes, you think I would have learned after the first... BUT NOOOOO... I was a glutton for punishment.

I think my lowest point was when I dated a twenty-two year old, when I was thirty-seven.  I would allow this USER to borrow my new car, and little did I know that he was using it to date another girl!  I FINALLY believed my friends and confront him.  Oh he denied it, and then was out the next night again with this girl!  Oh yeah this guy knew what to say when, and I would fall for it every time.

Courtesy of Bing images

I was such an IDIOT!!  All because I wanted to be happy and find true love!  Oh and my friends.. Oh they were warning me... but did I listen?  NOOOOO 

It finally took two thousand dollars, humiliation, embarrassment, and eventually loosing my job (because I was just not focusing where I needed to!) and I made an IDIOT out of myself!  And what's worse is, that I allowed this mere boy around my boys.  I was such a FOOL! 

Thank god my friends did not give up on me!  They were warning me left and right... and I did not believe them.  I believed him each and every time.  He would tell me that they were jealous. HA! What was more stupid was that I cried when I knew HE HAD TO GO!  OH BROTHER!

So, I guess we all have a little Ashley in us all, and we all learn the hard way.  But that does not mean it will always be like that.  With each "Bentley"  that has come into my life, I have wised up that much more! 

I am blessed to have Dean in my life.  We of course have our ups and downs, as any marriage does... BUT I WOULD NOT TRADE HIM IN FOR THE WORLD!!

I hope that Ashley finds her "Dean"!

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.         1 Corinthians 10:13

Blessings to all!


346 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask. All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 9 ~ Does Anyone Know the Answer? ... What is Self-Worth?

For the past week I've been getting these subtle messages... whether it was said by someone I know, reported on a news show or discussed by Suze Orman on "Finding Sarah: From Royalty to The Real World" on OWN ... regardless, the message was the same.

How do you get self worth?  Look for the one thing that gives you IT.  ... Do you like yourself? ... We have to like and love oneself, and be happy with oneself before we can truly be happy in life.

For as much as I want to be able to answer these questions with a big fat YES!  I need to understand them first.  

courtesy of Bing images

I know what "self" means, as well as the word "worth"- now I don't know about you, but when I put the two words together they become powerful, almost intimidating.  [So needless to say, I am still looking for IT.]  


When the question of liking oneself decides to show its ugly face, that in itself stirs up a sleuth of questions.  What I can say is, that I know I am a good person, with good morals and principles.  I know right from wrong, and help others before helping myself.  I put my children first and love them with all my heart and soul, unconditionally.  I am always there for my family.  I love and adore my husband, who always shows selflessness when it comes to his family and friends.~  He makes me want to be a better person.  Then...


Then I think of how bitter I have become.  I think of the times I have reacted before thinking or even said things I didn't mean.  Or take things out on people that don't deserve being the "scapegoat" of my hurt and/or simply what I had experienced earlier that day.  When I pass by a mirror, low and behold- there's a scowl on my face!  I never used to be like this!  I used to be a happy person [regardless of what I may had already experienced in my life]... yet that happiness seems from another time, another place, another life so long ago.  


Now, when I apologize to you tomorrow for saying or doing something that left you scratching your head because you do not know where that came from... please know that I have thought about what I did and realized that I was a "jerk" and more importantly I hope you do not hold it against me.  And yes, I have apologized (plenty of times) to my family and friends when I have realized I was wrong... there are a few of you out there that can attest to this too!  ;)


I know that I can not change what had happened yesterday... but what I can do is, with each day that is given to me, do the best possible to do something great that day... then maybe, just maybe I will find the answer to these questions.


Blessings to all.


356 days to go


All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 7 ~ Filled A Balloon... and I Let it Go!!

When I woke up this morning I had goals.  After all it was Day 7.. my first week of blogging! My desire was that Calley and I get our chores done early after breakfast, then have lunch, I could research whilst she napped and when she woke we would play with clay again.  I almost had every minute of the day planned.  Boy, was I set straight! 

For some reason I feel as if I took a step back today.  Nothing with Calley was going my way.  At one point my little four year old sassed me as if she was thirteen and I - I felt so defeated.  I went to pour myself a glass of lemonade, and the next thing I knew, I was thinking about how I always felt like "odd man out" or the "third wheel" all throughout school.  

Fame by David Bowie was the number one song playing on am radio (yes, "am" I think it was KJR am) in September of 1975 when I had started 7th grade.  The dust was settling after the four-year court battle my father had put my mother through.  I remember it being a big deal because my father kept telling us that he had been the thirteenth man in the state of California that had won sole custody of his children.  I'll all say about it right now is that he did whatever it took to get us from my mother, and was not nice about it.  Even if it meant marrying a former call girl to do so.

Then the "bomb" was dropped!  We were moving to the San Fernando Valley.  Oh sure it was beautiful there, orange groves for miles. "My" dilemma was that we would be moving during Christmas break, and I would start at my new school in January.  As if it wasn't bad enough moving, AGAIN, but in the middle of the school year!  As a matter of fact, by the time I started high school, I had gone to thirteen different schools.  Yes, thirteen!  Always the new girl.  Heck, by the time I finally made a friend, [because it didn't help that I had an Italian name and spoke Spanish,] we were moving again.

The first time we moved I remember feeling alone, not having a single friend.  It wasn't easy making friends where friendships were already established.  And we all know that kids aren't the nicest of the human species.. they can be downright mean!  If it wasn't my weight, it was that I was shy or my clothes, etc..  

The teasing and bullying got worse as I got older.  Especially this one girl, she tortured me every chance she got from the time I arrived in 7th grade, all the way through the last day of 9th grade.  My self-esteem did not exist by the time she was done.  For the first time in my life, I was grateful I was going to a new school in the fall... high school.  

courtesy of Bing images

When I realized I had zoned out right in the middle of this argument with my four year old, and re-lived the anxiety I felt in school, I could not allow myself to go back there anymore.  That was a long, long time ago, and there are better times to think about.  Then something my sister-in-law said to me yesterday clicked!  "...put it in a balloon and let it go... no need to think about it again..."

So, those bad times I went through.  Times I walked onto a new school campus not knowing a soul, the stares I would get or the horrible things that were said to me.  The anxiety of trying to fit in, not being one of the "popular" girls in the "cool" click or better yet being ridiculed by one of them.  Or just simply not having had a "best friends" for years.  The times I felt so alone... 

I just put it all in a balloon and I let it go!  

Blessings to all!!

358 days / 51 weeks to go.


All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 5 ~ Life... It "Changes" You.

When I went to bed last night, I can honestly say that I felt great.  I had finished writing my "Day 4" entry with fourteen minutes left to the day.  I made it in time...~ by midnight!! It was such a big accomplishment and I felt great about it.  I had gotten a lot of my feelings out, and even though I had tears in my eyes for most of it, the dreaded re-living of the past felt ok.  It was as if I had gone to the top of the tallest mountain (with a twirly skirt on) and screamed it all out.  

This morning when I woke I wanted it to be a positive day, and it was until someone rained on my parade and reminded me how negative I was.  I didn't argue or get mad.  As a matter of fact I agreed.  

Well, let me just say that when even the only two people in the entire world that you are "suppose to trust" in your life (your parents) do not keep you safe nor put you first in their lives as a "child"... well let's just say that it changes you.

Then you marry a man that you think will always keep you safe and your suppose to "live happily ever after" with, and he turns out to be the person who constantly cheats on you, is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, pushes you around, alienates you from your friends, tries to do the same with your family and then accomplishes it with your children... well let's just say that it changes you.

courtesy of Bing images

You fight for your own happiness because it is obvious to you that if you don't, no one else will.  You fight to have your children, only to find out that the man you once married concocts up a story with his "new wife" that I "inappropriately" touched my innocent little three year old little boy, and then they put my three year old and six and a half year old little boys in positions to lie to people of authority about their mother... well let's just say that it changes you. 

I know that life is not perfect, and Lord knows that neither am I.  I take responsibility for my own actions, as well as the fact that I completely ignored the "red" flags. Did I deserve any of this?  I don't know.  But I will tell you what I do know... I know that my boys did not deserve to be played as "pawns" in a divorce/custody battle, nor to have their mother torn apart before their eyes and taken from them.  Divorce... well let's just say it changes you. 

Blessings to all!

360 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 4 ~ Did Someone Say "Issues" ?

Photo by Dan

I certainly have cut it close tonight.  I have an hour and a half to make my deadline and not miss my "Day 4" entry.  I've been sitting here thinking about what I should write about.  

Believe me it is not that I do not have anything to write about, I have plenty.  I have so many issues that if I had a dollar for every issue I would be a millionaire.  Well, maybe not a millionaire.  But you get the idea. ;)

Let me see... my father, who passed away five years ago, basically had a narcissistic personality and was verbally abusive to me most of my adult life; my mother, has had OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) since I was nine as a result of what I believe was her finding out about my father's affair with her younger sister (and yes I remember this all too well), who also was more or less not around from when I was eleven years old until just about three years ago, and with whom I have been trying to have a "healthy" relationship with for the sake of my daughter; my sister, I have not had a relationship with her for at least 35 years, and who I recently, cautiously have accepted back in my life; my brother, he has always been the only family with whom I have ever had a healthy relationship with and I trust completely, and who unfortunately is going through some tough times; let me see, oh and I've scratched the surface, actually more like barely dusted the surface in regards to my relationship with my sons or rather non-relationship; my job, well let's just say that I do not agree with the way I have been treated there; and then there's my daughter Calley's severe environmental allergies that caused her to miss 62 days of preschool and that is causing us to rethink where we live.  

These are just a few things going on in my life, or that have caused a domino affect on who I am and has taken the sparkle out of my eyes and the skip out of my step.

I used to be such a happy person.  I was always doing something, and always with a friend.  I was always surrounded by friends and living my life to the fullest.  And then... Bret happened.  The father of my two sons, my eldest will be twenty-four on the 8th of July and my baby turned twenty the 23rd of this past  February.  I do not want to give this man any credit for anything in my life, but the fact is, that he took my boys from me and my life has been hell ever since.

Loosing my boys has been the most horrible experience which has consumed nearly sixteen years of my life and has eaten me up alive in the process.

Well, I have decided to get the loss of my boys off my chess one last time (which I will start sharing more of tomorrow).  I am never going to give up on my boys, but there has to be a better way of dealing with them not being in my life, doing something about it and not allowing it to eat me up alive anymore.  I want my daughter to have a happy mommy and my husband to have the happy and loving wife he deserves.  I want to stop wearing a frown all the time on the inside.  I want to be happy inside and out.  

Blessings to all.

361 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

A Rough Day 3

Photo by Simon Howden

Today was a tough day for me.  I tried to get a hold of my boys... it didn't happen.  Furthermore I think I saw what rock bottom looks like.

I feel such a hole not only in my life, but in my heart and soul.  I feel so .... not loved. 

I see other moms with their sons, and all I see is the love I am missing... and it makes me miss them even more.

Is it worse to have lost a child to death?  I can't answer that, and I hope I never have to.  I can't even begin to imagine what that is like.  But, what I can share with you, is that knowing where your children are and not being able to see them, hold them, share in their happiness, console or be a part of their lives hurts like hell!  My heart actually aches.

Now, the part of seeing rock bottom.  With all of this pain always going on inside of me, sometimes the littlest thing will set me off and my scapegoat.... my wonderful husband Dean.

I wrote in Day 1 that I would not sugar coat anything and that I would be honest... and I will not go back on my word.  However, as I mentioned, this has been a very rough and emotional day for me and I need to show my daughter and my husband that I love them very much.  Therefore, I will continue this tomorrow or possibly another day.  Believe me I have a lot to share and we have the rest of the year.

I read recently that we should not let what happens to us define who we are.  Well, I am really tired of feeling this way and I definitely do not want my four year old little girl, Calley, to learn or see my pain and sadness (let alone my grouchiness).  She actually asked me today if she picked up her mess if I would stop being sad.  OUCH!

Blessings to all!

362 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Here goes... Day 1

I never thought that Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, and I would have something in common.  Seems we both have, for whatever reasons, hit a rut in our perspective lives.  


Lord knows that we have led different lives, that's for sure, but from what little I have seen of her interviews, what does make us alike is the unhappiness we feel.  


However, as mentioned in my Facebook status earlier tonight, the one difference we definitely have is that she has Oprah, Dr. Oz, Suze Orman and as my wonderful friend reminded me, she also has Dr. Phil to help her.  


I, on the other hand have Facebook.  As soon as I posted this to my status I was quickly reminded by my beautiful friends that I was ahead of the game having them (and FB). 

Image: Pong / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Which now brings me here.  Finally after years of talking and Facebook-ing about writing a book I have decided instead to write a blog.   


I am committing to myself to write about my life's trials and tribulations, as well as all the good times for at least the next 365 days ("Julie and Julia" is my inspiration).  


Okay, so Julie wrote about her trials cooking through Julia's Mastering the Art of French Cooking... just a little different... 


But like Julie, I will be blogging for one year, 365 days, everyday.  Yes everyday.


I am going to do this for the following reasons:  1) Self-Therapy/Closure; 2) I am hoping that by writing my thoughts, feelings and my life experiences, my family, friends, and most importantly my children will one day understand why it is that I tick the way I do; and 3) I hope that by sharing my experiences to one day help another woman/mother, let her know she is not alone, and maybe just maybe, she will not have to endure the pain I have.

Blessings to all.

364 days to go.

I also want to add that all accounts, thoughts, feelings are those of my own how I have experienced them.  I will be honest and will not "sugar coat" anything.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.