Saturday, June 11, 2011

A Rough Day 3

Photo by Simon Howden

Today was a tough day for me.  I tried to get a hold of my boys... it didn't happen.  Furthermore I think I saw what rock bottom looks like.

I feel such a hole not only in my life, but in my heart and soul.  I feel so .... not loved. 

I see other moms with their sons, and all I see is the love I am missing... and it makes me miss them even more.

Is it worse to have lost a child to death?  I can't answer that, and I hope I never have to.  I can't even begin to imagine what that is like.  But, what I can share with you, is that knowing where your children are and not being able to see them, hold them, share in their happiness, console or be a part of their lives hurts like hell!  My heart actually aches.

Now, the part of seeing rock bottom.  With all of this pain always going on inside of me, sometimes the littlest thing will set me off and my scapegoat.... my wonderful husband Dean.

I wrote in Day 1 that I would not sugar coat anything and that I would be honest... and I will not go back on my word.  However, as I mentioned, this has been a very rough and emotional day for me and I need to show my daughter and my husband that I love them very much.  Therefore, I will continue this tomorrow or possibly another day.  Believe me I have a lot to share and we have the rest of the year.

I read recently that we should not let what happens to us define who we are.  Well, I am really tired of feeling this way and I definitely do not want my four year old little girl, Calley, to learn or see my pain and sadness (let alone my grouchiness).  She actually asked me today if she picked up her mess if I would stop being sad.  OUCH!

Blessings to all!

362 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

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