Day 4 ~ Did Someone Say "Issues" ?

Photo by Dan

I certainly have cut it close tonight.  I have an hour and a half to make my deadline and not miss my "Day 4" entry.  I've been sitting here thinking about what I should write about.  

Believe me it is not that I do not have anything to write about, I have plenty.  I have so many issues that if I had a dollar for every issue I would be a millionaire.  Well, maybe not a millionaire.  But you get the idea. ;)

Let me see... my father, who passed away five years ago, basically had a narcissistic personality and was verbally abusive to me most of my adult life; my mother, has had OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) since I was nine as a result of what I believe was her finding out about my father's affair with her younger sister (and yes I remember this all too well), who also was more or less not around from when I was eleven years old until just about three years ago, and with whom I have been trying to have a "healthy" relationship with for the sake of my daughter; my sister, I have not had a relationship with her for at least 35 years, and who I recently, cautiously have accepted back in my life; my brother, he has always been the only family with whom I have ever had a healthy relationship with and I trust completely, and who unfortunately is going through some tough times; let me see, oh and I've scratched the surface, actually more like barely dusted the surface in regards to my relationship with my sons or rather non-relationship; my job, well let's just say that I do not agree with the way I have been treated there; and then there's my daughter Calley's severe environmental allergies that caused her to miss 62 days of preschool and that is causing us to rethink where we live.  

These are just a few things going on in my life, or that have caused a domino affect on who I am and has taken the sparkle out of my eyes and the skip out of my step.

I used to be such a happy person.  I was always doing something, and always with a friend.  I was always surrounded by friends and living my life to the fullest.  And then... Bret happened.  The father of my two sons, my eldest will be twenty-four on the 8th of July and my baby turned twenty the 23rd of this past  February.  I do not want to give this man any credit for anything in my life, but the fact is, that he took my boys from me and my life has been hell ever since.

Loosing my boys has been the most horrible experience which has consumed nearly sixteen years of my life and has eaten me up alive in the process.

Well, I have decided to get the loss of my boys off my chess one last time (which I will start sharing more of tomorrow).  I am never going to give up on my boys, but there has to be a better way of dealing with them not being in my life, doing something about it and not allowing it to eat me up alive anymore.  I want my daughter to have a happy mommy and my husband to have the happy and loving wife he deserves.  I want to stop wearing a frown all the time on the inside.  I want to be happy inside and out.  

Blessings to all.

361 days to go!

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