Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Day 7 ~ Filled A Balloon... and I Let it Go!!

When I woke up this morning I had goals.  After all it was Day 7.. my first week of blogging! My desire was that Calley and I get our chores done early after breakfast, then have lunch, I could research whilst she napped and when she woke we would play with clay again.  I almost had every minute of the day planned.  Boy, was I set straight! 

For some reason I feel as if I took a step back today.  Nothing with Calley was going my way.  At one point my little four year old sassed me as if she was thirteen and I - I felt so defeated.  I went to pour myself a glass of lemonade, and the next thing I knew, I was thinking about how I always felt like "odd man out" or the "third wheel" all throughout school.  

Fame by David Bowie was the number one song playing on am radio (yes, "am" I think it was KJR am) in September of 1975 when I had started 7th grade.  The dust was settling after the four-year court battle my father had put my mother through.  I remember it being a big deal because my father kept telling us that he had been the thirteenth man in the state of California that had won sole custody of his children.  I'll all say about it right now is that he did whatever it took to get us from my mother, and was not nice about it.  Even if it meant marrying a former call girl to do so.

Then the "bomb" was dropped!  We were moving to the San Fernando Valley.  Oh sure it was beautiful there, orange groves for miles. "My" dilemma was that we would be moving during Christmas break, and I would start at my new school in January.  As if it wasn't bad enough moving, AGAIN, but in the middle of the school year!  As a matter of fact, by the time I started high school, I had gone to thirteen different schools.  Yes, thirteen!  Always the new girl.  Heck, by the time I finally made a friend, [because it didn't help that I had an Italian name and spoke Spanish,] we were moving again.

The first time we moved I remember feeling alone, not having a single friend.  It wasn't easy making friends where friendships were already established.  And we all know that kids aren't the nicest of the human species.. they can be downright mean!  If it wasn't my weight, it was that I was shy or my clothes, etc..  

The teasing and bullying got worse as I got older.  Especially this one girl, she tortured me every chance she got from the time I arrived in 7th grade, all the way through the last day of 9th grade.  My self-esteem did not exist by the time she was done.  For the first time in my life, I was grateful I was going to a new school in the fall... high school.  

courtesy of Bing images
When I realized I had zoned out right in the middle of this argument with my four year old, and re-lived the anxiety I felt in school, I could not allow myself to go back there anymore.  That was a long, long time ago, and there are better times to think about.  Then something my sister-in-law said to me yesterday clicked"...put it in a balloon and let it go... no need to think about it again..."

So, those bad times I went through.  Times I walked onto a new school campus not knowing a soul, the stares I would get or the horrible things that were said to me.  The anxiety of trying to fit in, not being one of the "popular" girls in the "cool" click or better yet being ridiculed by one of them.  Or just simply not having had a "best friends" for years.  The times I felt so alone... 

I just put it all in a balloon and I let it go!  

Blessings to all!!

358 days / 51 weeks to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

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