Day 212 ~ I Believe In Myself

Weirdest thing just happened... I was watching a new CBS tv show and was taken aback by the following dialogue...

So you crawled in a hole to die... honey, don't you know that a good life is the best revenge...

too late for that...

it's never too late... I have battled more than my share of demons and came out the better for it and I'm not going to let you crawl back into that hole.

What's so weird about that?   It was as if I had tuned into a segment of my life.  Yes!  Exactly!!  I have said those words to myself before.  Not quite the same words, but enough for it to raise the hair on the back of my neck.

SO now what I say to myself is,,, Crawling into a hole is NOT an option!!  Can not get anything done from a hole either!!

I start 2012 with the strong belief that all will be okay.  Almost as if this is going to be "the" year.  I start my year stronger, better and with a new healthier outlook!!  I even start my year off with a growing fondness in myself!!

I have found that there is only one thing that heals every problem, and that is:  to love yourself.  When people start to love themselves more each day, it's amazing how their lives get better.    ~ Louise L. Hay

Blessings to all!!

153 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent or protect me from the guilty.  (just kidding...wink, wink)

Day 100 ~ Where is the Light Switch?

It's been one hundred days since I started blogging... I've taken a look back at my blog and seen how much it has evolved.  

A few days ago I was so excited and filled with anticipation...

However... because of the different things that have transpired in the past few days... I now find myself in a very dark place.


I find it so hard to believe, how for some people the sky can fall on top of them... but somehow they find the strength, courage and drive to move on with their lives.


As I sit here and cry while I write my post, I ask you .... How do you do it?  Where do you find the strength, even the courage to move forward?


I am really trying very hard to let go of my past... at least the parts of it that haunt me.  


As a start, I have to accept that my expectations of what my mother should be, are not only too high, but she is not capable of filling those shoes.  However, those shoes I will fill for my daughter and sons.  As for everything else to do with this... it is now in a balloon.

2003 ~ Seattle, Wa

Logan; oh my beautiful child... I pray that God will guide you to do the right things in life, and that maybe one day [soon] you will return to me.


I pray that I can find the strength and courage to walk out of this darkness I have become so accustomed to... 


I have desires, and goals I want to meet.  I just hope that something will happen soon, and my heart will light up once again.


One thing is for sure, I won't give up... I know somehow, somewhere and at some point I will find that darn light switch.

I know I am worth healing.   ~  Louise L. Hay

As I love and accept myself exactly as I am, right here and right now with all my so-called flaws and imperfections, I find it easier to accept others in the same way.  I am learning to release the  need to control others and allow them the freedom to be who they are.  I am learning to create peace within and am doing the best I can with the understanding, knowledge, and awareness that I have at this time.  ~ Louise L. Hay

 

Blessings to all!!


265 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 94 ~ I Can Move On & Prevail!

There have been days in my life that I have felt so alone... having a family does not necessarily mean "you have a family."

I sit back and look at myself, and how I have ... "coped" ... "endured" ... "managed" ... "bumbled" ... "mourned" ... "celebrated" ... "fought" ... "made peace" ... "struggled" ... "surrendered" ... "cried" ... "laughed" ... "battled" ... "agreed' ... "defended" ... "attacked" ... "engaged" ... "dismissed" ... "scrambled" ... "organized" ... "learned" ... and "experienced" ... and I have had to do it all, right or wrong, learning along the way, all by myself!  


[No father; no mother; sister or brother; grandmother or aunt; uncle or grandfather; let alone cousins to help or be there for me, a shoulder to cry on, or maybe a hug? A little loyalty or camaraderie?]


It's no wonder I am a little rough around the edges.  ;)

As I look back on all the chapters of my life, trials and tribulations, mistakes, accomplishments and achievements...


I've done okay!  I have a few more things I want to do... and will continue to do ~like my blogging...


As long as I keep moving in the right direction, forward, that is... keeping my goals in sight... working towards them a little each day... I will prevail... I will prevail!  I WILL PREVAIL!!!

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.  ~ Winston Churchill

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many -- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.   ~ Charles Dickens

Act as if it were impossible to fail.  ~ Dorothy Broude

Don't run from lessons; they are little packages of treasure that have been given to us.  As we learn from them, our lives change for the better.  I now rejoice whenever I see another portion of the dark side of myself.  I know that it means that I am ready to let go of something that has been hindering my life.  I say, "Thank you for showing me this, so I can heal it and move on."  ~ Louise L. Hay 

Blessings to all!


271 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 32 ~ I'm Here... Where Ever You Are...

Courtesy of Bing images

I'm sure you've noticed some changes on here... well I've been doing some researching so that my blog may get more exposure.  Why do I want exposure?  Well, if I do not put my blog out there, how will I ever be able to reach out to that person out there which may be experiencing some of the same things that I am writing about?

I  know that I said that I want my blog to be a sort of a legacy to my children, and that it is.  But I also would like to help someone... someone that may feel alone, against the world and fighting her own demons.  I underwent my divorce and the "custody battle" (which is a long story and I haven't decided on the approach~ but will tell at another time), which lasted a total of five years... yes five years! (another day, another time) all alone!  

My entire family was more than eleven hundred miles away in Los Angeles... sure would have been nice to have had them down the street.  Don't get me wrong I would talk to them on the phone and they came to court I think it was for two days~ but it's not the same.  I felt very alone!

Courtesy of Bing images

Well, if you are out there, feeling as if you are alone against the world... I know the feeling.  But more importantly... I'm here for you!!  Don't waste your valuable time, as I did, in fetal position.  I took me sometime, but I eventually learned that I was allowing all the bad things that happened to me win by doing that!!


NOT ANYMORE!!!  


I'm the winner here!  It took me a while, but I have come to the realization that all I was doing is hurting myself and wasting my life!  Not to mention putting a big wedge between me and my boys... after all it is their father that screwed me up!  But that my dears is giving him too much credit!  


I needed to do something!! and finally between being married to a great guy, and having a beautiful daughter... I have found blogging!!! 


Where ever you are out there, I hope you are reading this.  We can get past this!  I promise we can!!

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:2

Blessings to all!

333 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 28 ~ I Have a "Dream Team"!! & You're on It!

I am feeling very blessed these days!  Imagine being on a mountaintop surrounded by beautiful flowers, a cool fragrant breeze in your face, if you're a girl you would have a "twirly" dress on and of course you would be running and twirling... I'm almost there!  Now, I do have some rough moments, but all in all I know that I am moving in the right direction.

1992 "Dream Team"
Courtesy of Bing images

I feel so supported... I feel as if I have my own "dream team" behind me.  No matter who I speak to lately, family, friends and even a couple of my blog readers, their messages all have had something positive for me to not only help me with my blog, but more importantly to help me with my healing process.

I was speaking to one of my tias ("aunts" in Spanish) the other day... although I do not get to speak to her often (because life happens,) she has always been there for me.  She does not mince words and always gets to the point... I so love that about her!  Her wonderful message... "put all my love into everything I do!"  It does translate a little different in Spanish, however the message is the same.  She had just the right words to say to me without even knowing.  It was as if she knew what I needed to hear.  Just as she said that to me, I felt so much pride for myself for writing my blog (last time I felt like that I was in school and I was doing my pottery.) 

My sister-in-law, (gosh that sounds so formal because truth be told she is more of a sister to me than anything else) is also on my dream team!  She is awesome, shhhh don't tell her because her head may explode! just kidding   No, but seriously, timing could not be better- she was the one that had told me that our differences were behind us, as if  we "put them in a balloon and let it go!"  Oh my G.. I just love that analogy (see Day 7)!  Als, I have now adopted it! and giving you props for it too!  As I continue writing my blog, you will find that I will be putting a lot into balloons and letting them go!

As I think of who else is on my "dream team" ... well let's just say that this post would turn into a mini "e-book"!!  Needless to say, I feel so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends supporting me!  

There's Elisabeth (who I met at a low point in my life, while going to schooI in '03-'05, I tutored for her at West Los Angeles College, turned mentor, part-time therapist (lol- jk), turned best bud), Diane (who basically witnessed not only my divorce, but my boys taken away from me), Lena (old high school bud reunited thanks to Facebook, who probably does not have a clue as to how good of a friend she still is to me), Gloria (my cousin who has given me courage and strength on more that one occasion ~ gracias primita), Juli (my cousin who after moving to El Paso, wrote me a letter telling me what a beautiful person I was, to remember my strength, the people who love me and that my children were lucky to have such an amazing mother... I carry that letter with me to this day! ...I could not have received your letter at a better time ~ gracias primita)...

"You like me, you really like me!"
Courtesy of Bing images

I almost feel as if I am giving my acceptance speech for an award because I do not want to leave anyone out!  And if I did leave you out... I still have 337 days to give you proper props! So keep reading because you never know when YOU will be thanked.  By the way, if you do not want to be mentioned by  name in my blog please email me and let me know.

When I first woke this morning, I did just as I have been doing since I started writing my blog 28 days ago... I wake up, and with the crust not even out of my eyes, I grab my glasses and my laptop, and then I check my messages, then Facebook and then my blog stats.  But this morning when on Facebook, I received the following message... 

This month, I celebrate my own independence.  I choose to be free of all negativity, anger, fear, insecurities, jealousies~ and any thought that makes me feel "less than."  I no longer choose to live in the prison of my mind.  I choose thoughts of love, prosperity, and unlimited creativity and opportunities.  ~ Louise L. Hay

Needless to say, that was my status post for most of my day.  Then the more I read it, the more it was appropriate to what I was going through.  Therefore, this month I celebrate my own independence!

“As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.”  Psalm 18:30

Blessings to all!

337 days / 48 weeks to go.



All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 20 ~ With A Little Patience (and Faith)

So much to say tonight, however at the risk of sounding negative by bringing up MY blackberry again (which BTW the thief is being looked at by the police detectives -YES I am filing charges!), Or the fact that I was bit by a dog for the first time in my life today* (My hand has bite marks and is a little sore, but I will be ok), I decided to look up the bible verse of the day to see if maybe it would lead me in a positive direction...

The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.                  Psalm 145:18-19

Need I say more?

I believe that the important thing is to be true to yourself, have faith and do the right thing... that and a little prayer...  How can you loose?  Good will come to those (me) that wait!

Blessings to all!

345 days to go!

Shelby Karam

* Now that the day is done and I look back on it... I am still laughing! What next!! I thought my little Shelby got out of our yard.. so I RAN off looking and calling her name, spotted a neighbor and approached their house and asked, "Did you see a little white dog run by?" She said no all the while her dogs were barking L O U D over our talking.. so Dog Lover that I am (very experienced,) I approached the gate to SHUT THE DOGS UP by allowing them to smell my hand so I could talk... I DID NOT go in their territory... and the BITCH (literally) bit me! LOL!!!  "Oh, I didn't know she would do that!" my neighbor said.  I was stunned!! I had never been bitten by a dog.. I KNOW how to handle dogs... Oh well.. It hurt more than anything because she got my knuckle, broke skin in a few spots, and now my hand is getting a little stiff and sore.. BUT I WILL SURVIVE!!   It was a great lesson for Calley.. she was so concerned for me.

By the way, we have four dogs and they have never bitten anyone ... I have a BEWARE OF DOG sign on my gate...    JUST SAYING!!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask. All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 19 ~ Learning The Hard Way

Alright I just got sucked into "The Bachelorette" on ABC once again... Oh brother!!  There are times that I just want to jump into the television and scream at Ashley!  I was so happy when "that" Bentley left... WHAT A JERK!!!  (Must be his way for getting back at his mother naming him that!)  

Honestly, I think we (all us dolls) have had a "Bentley" in our lives at one point or another.  I know I can say that I have had my share.  Yes, you think I would have learned after the first... BUT NOOOOO... I was a glutton for punishment.

I think my lowest point was when I dated a twenty-two year old, when I was thirty-seven.  I would allow this USER to borrow my new car, and little did I know that he was using it to date another girl!  I FINALLY believed my friends and confront him.  Oh he denied it, and then was out the next night again with this girl!  Oh yeah this guy knew what to say when, and I would fall for it every time.

Courtesy of Bing images

I was such an IDIOT!!  All because I wanted to be happy and find true love!  Oh and my friends.. Oh they were warning me... but did I listen?  NOOOOO 

It finally took two thousand dollars, humiliation, embarrassment, and eventually loosing my job (because I was just not focusing where I needed to!) and I made an IDIOT out of myself!  And what's worse is, that I allowed this mere boy around my boys.  I was such a FOOL! 

Thank god my friends did not give up on me!  They were warning me left and right... and I did not believe them.  I believed him each and every time.  He would tell me that they were jealous. HA! What was more stupid was that I cried when I knew HE HAD TO GO!  OH BROTHER!

So, I guess we all have a little Ashley in us all, and we all learn the hard way.  But that does not mean it will always be like that.  With each "Bentley"  that has come into my life, I have wised up that much more! 

I am blessed to have Dean in my life.  We of course have our ups and downs, as any marriage does... BUT I WOULD NOT TRADE HIM IN FOR THE WORLD!!

I hope that Ashley finds her "Dean"!

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.         1 Corinthians 10:13

Blessings to all!


346 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask. All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 17 ~ Doing The Right Thing !!

I started my day on a good note, and not only that but I decided that I only wanted positive things in my life today.  I am juggling so many balls which are bouncing around in my life right now, that I needed to step away!

 by Federico Stevanin

Soooo... I got out of bed and I literally did the wet dog shake! Okay, all better now! (as if that's all it takes - Regardless... I was going to give it the "ol' college try!")  So YES, that's all it took... and off I went to face my day laughing my butt off!

As my day went on, there was a time today I found myself lost in thought and ended up having a moment of self-evaluation of how I was handling this Merit Velasco situation, including the direction that my blog has taken in the last week... 

My blog is meant for me to write about who I am, the roads I have traveled and the tribulations I have had to face... Why?  Well I want all my children to know the paths I have taken which have led me to where I am today.  I do not want them to have any doubts about me, who I am or why I was the way I was. 

I am not saying that I have those doubts about, say my father for instance, because I don't.  However, he felt differently.  My father himself, felt slighted, and was left with unanswered questions which his mother took to her grave with her, and affected him for the next fourteen years until the day he died.

Since I mentioned my father... I know I have unloaded some harsh and possibly unbelievable things about him, nonetheless it is the truth.  I did not write about our relationship to hurt him or disrespect his memory in any way.  He was very aware of his mistreatment of me, and apologized for it [literally] five days before he passed (it was the one and only time he had ever apologized to me.)  Regardless of his behavior, he was my father, and I love and miss my daddy.  

I wrote [and will write] about my feelings of my experiences as a process of healing and to let my children know of that part of my history.  Not to hurt or disrespect anyone.

I don't want you to think that something has occurred or that anyone has said anything to me regarding the content of my blog... because they haven't.  As a matter of fact, my entire family is aware and very supportive of my blogging.  I just wanted to make all of this perfectly clear so there aren't any misunderstandings, and more so because of recent day's events.

After some thought and reassurance, I have decided to add scripture to my blog.  I would like to end my blog on a positive note and continue my spiritual growth with Jesus.  I went onto the internet on one of my favorite sites... www.biblegateway.com/   (This is a wonderful site for looking up bible scriptures.)  

When I first opened the website and saw the scripture of the day, I was blown away!!   Before I share it with you let me share some thoughts with you first.  Once again. please bare with me, it will all make sense in the end.

As I mentioned I have been doing some self-evaluating and I asked myself the following questions...  

• Am I being vengeful?  No.  All I am trying to do is get back what is rightfully mine.
• Should I just drop it and go back to MY life?  After some thought this is an experience, and a bad one at that, that is part of my life, what I have gone through.  But do I drop it?  As I have already said, if I drop this it will send a negative message to Merit and Marylou allowing them to think that they got away with taking someone else's possession, concluding that they can do whatever they want to whom ever they want to and get away with it.  Therefore, I can comfortably say that my answer remains no, I will not drop this.    
•  Am I being hateful?  No I am not.  Honestly I do not hate Merit and Marylou.  I feel sadness and I feel sorry for them both.  These girls are basically my sons ages, and just as I would not allow for them do something like this to someone else- stranger or not, I will not allow them.  I sincerely hope that I can teach them a valuable lesson that will make them better people.  I would hate for them to end up in jail, junkies or worse yet - uneducated.  As a matter of fact I think it would be awesome to make a difference in their lives so much so that it would turn their lives around.  It would be really cool!

After my self-evaluation and prayer, I felt reassured and I believe very strongly that I am doing the right thing.  After all, I would never allow any of my children to do something so disrespectful not only to themselves, but towards their family and friends too.

"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD."            Leviticus 19:18 NIV

 Blessings to all!

348 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 16 ~ What Would YOU Do?

What a week!  It has been emotionally exhausting!!  It's HARD work standing up for a cause, or rather fighting for justice and "MY" blackberry.

by CBK

The show "What Would You Do?" on ABC hosted by reporter John Quiñonez, just scratches the surface on whether people do the right thing or not.  More times than not people choose not to help others, basically because they do not want to get involved.  

You often find people who do think or care about what may happen to them if they get involved in helping a stranger.  I find it very sad quite frankly, I really do.

I have had first hand experience with this, this week.  I have been very grateful for the help given me this week in trying to get Merit Velasco, of Sunland Park, New Mexico, to give me back my phone.  However, I was sad when one person did help me, and when I happen to mention their name when defending her sister for helping me, (I did not mention if she helped me or not) she had wished I had not mentioned her name... I was proud to know these two women who stood up for what was right, even if it meant outing a longstanding friend of the family.

I was even more amazed to see that only seven out of forty-nine people responded to my pleads and gave me some type of help.  SO sad.

I will not give up hope on my phone, even if I do not get it back, this has been an experience of a lifetime.  I will not stop fighting for justice or turning Merit Velasco's name to MUD!!  She had her chance.. I even gave her one last opportunity today and NOTHING!!  So I march on.... I warned her!!

I am not trying to be CRAZY about this... but think, if I give up my fight and forget this happened. The result will be that Merit Velasco and her sister Marylou Velasco will come to the conclusion that they can do anything, steal anything and lie about anything WITHOUT consequence.. Well thanks to me they are going to learn a valuable lesson and hopefully they will think twice about doing this to another person again.

To the people who did nothing about their family member/friend and did not want to get involved....... SHAME ON YOU!!!! and I hope that one day Merit does not steal from YOU!!

Well this has really been a lesson to learn, but regardless if I see an injustice occur and I can help.... guess what... I WILL HELP!  There are too many people in this world that do not care... and I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!!!

What would you have done? Would you help a stranger and out a friend or family member?

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”   ~  Maria Robinson

Blessings to all...

349 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 14! ~ [Learning to] Letting the Chips Fall Where They May!

Today I took the let the chips fall where they may approach and left EVERYTHING in God's hands.  I learned a long, long time ago that I can not "control" the actions of others.  However, there is nothing wrong with fighting for what is yours, what you believe in or WHAT IS RIGHT!!  

I know, I was getting just a little obsessive with teaching a twenty-three year old the meaning of respecting the property of others.  However, as the day progressed the messages were coming in, slowly but surely...  and from her own family and friends.  As I read each one, the message was more or less the same... she will not give me the phone back, she did what she wanted, and no one stopped her.  

I do want to say that my efforts yesterday did not go unwarranted!  Out of the forty-nine (yes, forty-nine!) people that I contacted, I received responses from five people!  I can say that my faith in people continues to grow!  These people felt bad that their friend/family member had done what she did.  One person even told me that she would speak to her.  Well, we'll see... I won't hold my breath.  

Several of my friends suggested that I leave it to the police... I could have, they're right... BUT I had to do something about it!  Honestly, I didn't even think twice about it!  The next thing I knew I was really finding things out... it was all falling into my lap!

Then again, maybe you do not agree with what I am doing... Well.. Let me share something with you... 

Nearly three years ago, my husband and I, after seeing that the job market in Los Angeles was not panning out, we decided it would be best to start over in El Paso, Texas  [where his dad and his family lives- YES, babysitters!! just kidding ;) ]. after loosing his twenty-six year job, and needless to say its been tough getting to where we are today;  I am a [part-time] computer teacher at a small school, who is now on summer break (no pay).  and...we Thank God we were able to manage with my only working part-time.  


As things went on, my little girl missed sixty-two days of school this year because of asthma and respiratory problems due to environmental allergies (this year worse than last);  my husband, Thank God was also hired by the same school that employs me and teaches Calley~ kinda nice arrangement, huh?...  are you kidding?  No, that's not what I mean, It's cool all of us being there at one time or another.  But, seriously, life s a constant struggle... but who's complaining  ;)

With all that "said"... I also want to share with you that it took me nearly ten months to save for my phone!! Which also has a cool cover and a 8gb micro-sd card in it!  $350!! worth of savings down the toilet! NOT!!... so somehow I am compelled to get it back.

courtesy of Bing images

As I sit back and read what I have written so far... I have found IRONY in all of this... Irony?  you ask?... well the irony is that here I am basically fighting to get my phone back, and trying to teach a twenty-three year old a lesson in life ... and here I can't even have a relationship with my own son who is twenty-three years old, let alone teach him a lesson in life.

Irony, I tell you, Irony!

Did someone say something about chips or Leaving it to God?  I think that's a wonderful idea... as always I say a prayer for my sons and once again I will leave my relationship with my boys in His hands.  

By the way... IT'S BEEN FOURTEEN DAYS!!!  Love this "blogging" thing!

Blessings to all!

351 days / 50 weeks to go!!    

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.