Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Day 342 ~ Keep My Head Above Water (Trying to)

The last two days have been unbearable!!  I am really trying hard to keep my head above water and in the positive...

However...

It is easier said than done!!

The fact that I heard from one out of two sons on Mother's Day, is heart wrenching.  

Most of you are probably thinking I should be thankful... and you are probably right... 

however...

My eldest son has purposely forgotten most of his past, times with me included [I'd call it a defense mechanism~ it hurts non the less... and then 

If it wasn't for my overhearing my daughter (5) telling her father she wanted to get me something... then possibly this holiday would not have been so difficult.

Let me back up...

Right before my birthday (22nd of March), my aunt told me that my mother no longer wanted to talk to me because I yell at her.    

Let me clarify this... The last time I spoke to her I was upset that she did not take the time out for my daughter and I told her so... and mind you all the while I am trying to tell her that my daughter is upset that she does not hear from her abuelita (grandma in Spanish), all the while my mother is talking [louder] over me.  {She has always done this... she does not wait for you to finish what you are saying and speaks over you}  

Where I come from, this is called interrupting... needless to say one should wait for the other person to finish before you respond... but, not with her!

I have shared with you of her OCD, etc... so we are not dealing with a person of sound mind.

So... When my aunt told me that she could not talk to me... I figured that "it" was over.  I am done setting myself up and trying to reach out to a woman whose priorities are nothing like yours or mine.

At this point... you may be thinking... 'well, you do have a daughter?'... 

Sorry... we can't go there because Calley is 5 and has to count on her dad for these things...
and without throwing him under the bus I can not reiterate on the matter.

SOOOOOO..... the last two days have been HEART WRENCHING!

Unless you have children and have had them taken from you.... I'm sorry, but you can not really relate.

The last two days, especially today, have been spent on my trying to stay above water... 

Not only that... but I have been trying to save all that I have accomplished in the last year, as far as my healing process goes.

I am trying so hard to be strong... I am trying hard to be positive... I am trying so hard to be happy... 

But to no avail... it seems as if its not working.  

I am not trying to be negative... BUT after your children have been taken from you, put against you, and with this comes no calls on your birthday or mother's day or Christmas or anything else...

All I can say is this commercialization of all these holidays SUCK!  

No different than the single person on Valentine's Day.  (I'm sure that may have clarified it for  some of you.)

Then I get these 'feel better' wishes from people {with children} that have never had their children taken away from them, or from people that do not have children. 

Sorry... but you can not possibly know what I am going through...

I feel so alone.  No where to go.  


Peace,  (trying to find...)

23 days to go...  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  


Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

2 comments:

Courtney G said...

Oh Carla, I'm so sorry! I can't imagine going through what you have. Please try to keep above water:)

Shannon Milholland said...

I'm so sad this is how Mother's Day turned out for you. Praying right now that the next one is a drastic improvement.