Day 375 ~ Calley Has The World's Greatest Daddy!

I wanted to start off tonight by wishing all dads out there a Happy Father's Day!

Mirriam-Webster's (1913 dictionary) defines a father as "One who has begotten a child, whether son or daughter; a generator; a male parent."

Now with that in mind... Long ago... I remember being as old as eleven or twelve, when I  first came across the following quote...

Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy  ~ author unknown

I knew then... just as much as I know today... about what that quote really means.  

My father may have passed away in 2006... however he more or less stopped being "there" for me way back then.  I even remember him making me feel slighted, second to someone else by his treatment or lack thereof.  (He made me feel like he loved someone that was not his daughter more than me.)  Up until then he treated me as his loving daughter, as a doting father should.

No worries here... I am okay.  Honestly... no bad feelings here.  All that is part of my past... it is part of who I am... you know, like the luck of the draw... or the hand that was dealt to me.. now I just have to play my hand right.

All that aside, I feel really blessed that my daughter has the daddy that she does!

I do have to tell you that my husband never planned on having any children (another story... another day), so the fact that he is the father that he is... says a lot about who he is. (amazing!) 

The way he loves, cares, protects, teaches, disciplines, respects, teases, and plays with Calley... well, let's just say that Calley adores her daddy!  

Dean is tender and is fair.. he has always read to Calley... and teaches her music as well. Calley has been strumming his guitars since she was about six months old, and was given a drum kit at the age of three.  {and} we aren't talking about a wimpy child's kit either.  Dino traded for a Junior sized drum kit, on which he and his brothers are able to jam on too! 

Listen... even though I did not have the "perfect" parents or childhood for that matter, I feel so blessed that not only does Calley have The World's Greatest Daddy, but she also has the Most Wonderful Grandfather, in Dean's own father!

Happy Father's Day to the wonderful fathers in our lives!

[here's to you finding your... ]

Peace...

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  © 2012 U.S Copyright laws apply.   

Day 338 ~ Blessed to be Called "Mom"

Yesterday's post seemed a little dark... compared to how I really have been feeling- which is quite the opposite.

Mother's Day is an all around tough day (time) for me... not only as a daughter not having a mom around and she's alive, but the void of not having that daughter/mother relationship... and not to mention not having a solid relationship with my sons.

Whatever I know of the daughter / mother (or visa versa) relationship I owe it to the relationships of all my girlfriends and their moms.  I have to give a big thanks to all my friends' moms who not only stepped in throughout my life, but showed me what good moms were.  They all partook in my upbringing {if you really think about it}... anyways... a very Happy Mother's Day to all of them! 

Then came the day that I became a "mom" myself... then again... and then with the Grace of God once more.  

What a blessing to not only have been called "mommy" by three different little ones, but to love those same three  babies with every breath I take.  {granted. they are no longer babies}...

Today... two of my babies are now over 21, with lives of their own.  {and} Yes... my relationship with them could be better... but I have complete faith that with God's Grace one day I will have a healthier relationship with my sons.

Today... {after all... we do have to focus on what I do have...} what I do have, is a little precious princess that is "5-1/2" years old, and who does not let me forget it wither!  "Mo-om... I'm 5-1/2 years old.  I can do it."

Even though we have our little "moments", I don't know what I would do without her.  

Every time I look at my daughter, I want to do everything I can to have the healthiest relationship  with her, ever!  OH!  I know it won't be "perfect", we will bump heads and have our disagreements... However... I will do whatever it takes to be the best mom I can be to her. 

My priority is my daughter's best interest so that one day she will be a smart... strong... thick skinned... gentle... loving... honest and generous with her time by giving back... {That's all.  wink, wink.  Is that too much to ask for?}

Bottom line I want my baby to have the best tools so that one day she will make wonderful decisions... and... if mistakes are made, she learns from them.

I feel so blessed to have been given another chance at being a mother.  Thank you Lord.

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.  ~Oprah Winfrey 

Blessings,

27 days to go...  {I really don't know how to feel ... lol}  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 337 ~ As A Daughter...

With Mother's Day {basically} being a couple of days away... it has definitely got me thinking about my mother lately.

Having said that... my hurt and resentment towards my mother is because of her  lack of effort to not only be a part of my life, but my daughter's too... and having made poor decisions on my behalf during my childhood.  Or is it more because I did want her in my life?  

Any way you look at it, she and her illness (or visa versa) has pushed me away.

Or is it more that I stayed away {for my own sanity} to keep me out of the equation.  If I am not there, then I am not there to be hurt. 

I have grown to think that she has lived with my sister all these years (or rather my sister has always lived with her) because they understand each other.  

I have no childhood memories of my mother between the ages of 4 and 8 or so... then everything is very sporadic, very here and there... every so often.  No memories of stories read or boo boos kissed.  No games or fun.  Sad.

My mother having OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and depression (and God knows what else she keeps from me).  My sister not only is Bipolar and ill (ill, due to poor judgement), she also has a history of making poor decisions herself and because of it all has always depended on my mother {to bail her out}.

I noticed it more after my most recent falling out with my sister at Christmas, my mother stopped calling me as well.

This is not right.  This is not healthy.  This is not healthy not only for my sanity, but for my daughter's as well.  This is not right on so many levels.

I really hope Calley forgets this all one day, including my fight with my sister when she was here.  It was ugly.  It was ghetto!  SO embarrassing to have allowed it to get so outrageous!  It was very verbal and very loud.

As a daughter it hurts when your mother, who is getting up in age, has no interest of being a part of your life and you know that one day you (me) will have to deal with that final loss.  BTW  I have asked her so many times to live with me in the last ten years, with my husband's blessing.

As a daughter it hurts {not as much as it used to} when you see, read or hear of other moms with their children.  And it doesn't matter how old the kids are.  They can be five or thirty-five... seeing what they have and what I don't... hurts a little.

As a daughter, "having" a mother mentally absent since I was five,  physically not around since I was nine, and off and on between twelve and eighteen... and then maybe here and there after that... and never being a constant... never being there for my milestones... hurts a little (lot).

I say it all "hurts a little" because I can no longer allow it to hurt and burden me.  I did nothing wrong.  It is who she is.  That's all.   ...and I got a bum number....that's all.

As a daughter, I need to accept all of this for what it is.  {Accept the hand that has been dealt to me.}  


What is it?   Hell... I don't know!  lol!  


All I do know is that I did not do anything to merit not having a "great mother".  I know I have always tried to be a good daughter (only to be turned away.)  


It's okay.  Makes me want to be a better person. 


Now...

As a daughter... now a mother... I will do my utmost best and beyond to be the best mom my kids could have... at any age... and above all... always be there for them {at any age} when they need me.   They will always be able to count on me.

A mother's love liberates.   ~ Maya Angelou\

Blessings,

28 days to go...  {woowww!}  

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  © 2012 

Day 301 ~ "D" is for Daughter

Depression, discipline and divorce, all came into my head at one time or another, for today's "D" word... But for some reason, I was not feeling it. Those words were just not going to do. Especially after the day I had today.  

As I was disciplining Calley today, for not obeying and not staying on task... my word finally came to me!  Daughter.  

All of a sudden memories of being a daughter myself rushed before me.  As quick as those memories came before me, memories of my divorce came before me (and how I handled it all) and the discovery that I had been dealing with depression for many years.  

I do not want any of this for my little girl!  I want to raise her to be a strong woman.  A woman that can stand on her own two feet.  A woman that can provide for herself.  A woman who is soft and gentle, sweet and pleasant to all.  A woman who has wonderful self esteem, and a confidence that will welcome people... as opposed to being unwelcoming or unapproachable.

I want all the things for my daughter that I didn't have.

The ways my parents treated me; the way my mother continues to (not) treat me.  Being lied to, played upon and manipulated... it all took my innocence away.  It all took the sparkle out of my eyes.

As I look at my baby girl... my heart saddens. Unfortunately, she gets in trouble a lot and  frequently is in time-out.  She definitely has a mind of her own.  Today, she went as far as telling me that she did not want to go into time-out, and cried as she as she stated that she can not stay out of trouble.

I do not want my daughter to spend most of her childhood in time-out (lol)... but on the other hand, she has to be disciplined.  After all, discipline starts in the home, right?  And I know that if she does not get disciplined, well... just the thought of it is unspeakable!

I became very frustrated today.  "Why doesn't she listen to me?", I continued to ask myself.  "What am I doing wrong?"  I follow through on all discipline.  Yes, I am strict with her, she needs it.  I can tell her to do something, and have trained her to repeat what I ask of her so she understands what is asked of her... she will acknowledge, then next thing I know... YUP! ... she's off to do something entirely different.  I notice, and she's back in time-out again.  Now mind you, I do talk to her.  I try to find out what going on, but to no avail... I get no where.  She doesn't know why she does what she does, and quite frankly... neither do I. 

I look at my mother in law, the daughter she was.  The wife and mother she is... she is an amazing woman!  I witnessed her put her life aside for over two years, to take care of her mother.  She did so until her mother literally took her last breath.  

I look at my sister in law... she is an absolute sweet heart.  She is a wonderful friend to her friends, a true pleasure to be around.  She's confident, funny, loving and straight to the point.

These two daughters, were loved and taken care of.  They were even respected by their parents.  They both have a loving family.

My Daughter, has a loving family.  (One down, big smile)  I really and truly want to lift my daughter up, not extinguish her light.  My daughter is my life.  I didn't give her life... she gave it to me.  

Bottom line, I am trying to give my daughter positiveness so that she learns positiveness.  I want to give her happiness so that she learns happiness.    I want to give her love so she learns love.  I want to give her a life for her to be proud of, so that one day she will be able to do the same for her children.

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on

But boys would be gone without the warmth from

A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man

Looking out for every girl

You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

~ John Mayer, partial lyrics to "Daughters"

Blogging A to Z Challenge April 2012... What will "E" have for us tomorrow?

Blessings to all!!

64 days to go...

... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 241 ~ ...When I Grew Up...

Friday, October 13, 2006

Me....    "Calley...  when I was a little girl, I would let anyone who asked know that all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mommy."

Calley...    "You didn't want to be a princess?"

Me...    "Being a princess did not matter.  Having a beautiful family and living happily ever after did."

Calley...    "Mommy... you didn't want to be a princess?"

Me...    "No, honey.  Being a princess did not matter to me.  Loving you, Addison and Logan is all that matters to me.  All I ever wanted was to be a mommy, having you, taking care of you, watching you grow, and having you call me mommy.  That's what makes me happy.  and... If I get a chance to wear a beautiful dress and look like a princess... well that's a bonus."

Friday, November 25, 2011

Calley...    "But, mommy... you look like a princess...

Me...    "I love you more than life."

Calley...    "You are my princess."

Me...    "I am blessed."

Calley...    "Mommy, I am blessed too." 

I can not wait to see the woman Calley grows into.  If the person she is at the age of five is any indication... she will grow into an amazing woman.  I am truly blessed.  ~  Carla Barila Karam

  

Blessings to all!!

124 days to go...

PS... Sons, I love and miss you.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshine(s).

Images property of Carla Barila Karam and Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own... all copyright laws apply.

Day 153 ~ My Happy Place

photo by winnond

Doesn't matter how I slice it each day, by the time I sit down to write I am exhausted.  Doesn't help the situation, that we had an early start at our day today... something that honestly has become foreign to Calley and I.  

Unless needed otherwise, Calley and I are blessed this year to start each glorious day at our own pace.  How awesome is that, we do not need an alarm clock!

Well today was an exception... we needed to be out of the house by 7:45 this morning.  A little tough at first, but we did it!  One great thing about having to be somewhere... you get up, get ready and get going without second thought... and away you go!

Talk about setting the pace for the day!  One thing about being busy, you don't get the opportunity to feel sorry for yourself, let alone think.  Having said that... I've been pretty positive lately, and I intend to keep it up.  I know that there was a certain direction I wanted to go with this blog... you know telling my story.  However, my story also includes where my path has taken me including the fact that I do want to be happy.  My story still can be told from a "current" happy place.

As a little girl when I was asked what I wanted to be when I was older, I would always respond the same... "I want to be a mommy and be happy with my family."   Maybe part of this thing called life is to go through the horrible times, so you can appreciate the good ones.

Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.  ~ Abraham Lincoln

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.  ~ Benjamin Franklin

The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it.  ~ Mother Teresa

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.  ~ Dalai Lama 

I am thankful for my daughter.

Blessings to all!!

212 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.