Day 189 ~ Family, My Everything

It's amazing how a person's world they are born into, affects their being.    

I can say that I have always been the one to go against the grain for a cause, for the "right" thing.  I have always been a rebel of sorts.  Always sticking to my guns. [The more you push, the more I will dig my heels in.]  wink, wink  A believer that there is something to be said for family loyalty.  With honesty right there next to it.

I am a person who was taught to be honest, considerate and courteous.  I am also the person that stood up for the underdog.  I don't know why I always go for the little guy, but I do.  

Furthermore, I am also the person that in a few years when I am in a better position, I would love to buy a house with a couple of extra bedrooms, just to be able to foster a couple of children in need of a home, comfortably... and who knows? possibly adopting them.  I'd love for Calley to have siblings.

I figured that just because I can not have any more children myself, that does not mean that I/we could not help some in need.   All children deserve to have a home, a family and most of all love.

Not too long ago my father-in-law shared with me how his mother, and her siblings, were abused by their parents...  Grandma Betty's mother and father would sit down at the dinner table to eat their meals, and would have their children wait whilst they ate... then afterwards, they would feed Grandma Betty and her six siblings their table scraps!  

I tell you that God has a funny way of handling life, because shortly thereafter...  Grandma Betty's parents passed away.  They were involved in some sort of accident.  Then Grandma and one of her sisters were sent to be raised by an aunt, being separated separated from her other siblings.

So ... the other day I was driving to the store, on the radio played some beautiful Christmas music, Calley and I enjoying one another's company talking, laughing and singing.  After parking the car in what seemed to be a parking spot set aside especially for us, I took a moment and experienced an epiphany.

All this time grieving the family I never had, the trials and tribulations bestowed upon me and the unfortunate experiences I have had to learn one of life's lessons from.  Then a flash of memories came before me.  

I married into this wonderful family more than eight years ago.  I knew that they were pretty special when I met them...  aaahhh... Karam family memories...  From Christmas Eve family concerts, game nights, annual cousin Christmas get-togethers, Sunday family brunches, Easter Sunday egg hunts, Memorial Day and 4th of July bar-be-ques, Thanksgiving football games to family political debates (I stay away from this discussion)... then I came to the realization... except for a couple of blurps I am trying to work through... I am blessed with a wonderful family!  I have my family I always wanted!  

Loyalty is what Christ asked of his disciples.  Loyalty is what we have to show to each member of our family if our family is to become a more Christlike family.    ~ Mario Puzo

A family in harmony will prosper in everything.    ~  Chinese proverb

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
...   our little girl we call Calley 

Blessings to all!!

176 days / 25 weeks to go...

PS... I love and miss you boys.  To the moon and stars above and back.  You are my sunshines.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied.  All accounts herein are written by Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life.  Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Picture credits... images courtesy of Bing images.

Day 98 ~ Logan... A True Blessing

Mommy & Addison 1989

It was 1990 and my life was somewhat complicated.  I was twenty-seven years old, and had been taking part in a one sided marriage for over four years... (meaning I was the one married- and he was still... playing the field)... the blessing of it all... was that I had a beautiful two and a half year old little boy, I called Addison.

My marriage was going through troubles; I came home one day to find my home had been emptied and forced into a separation that lasted for six months. (What a p.o.s.- he moved out while I was at work!)  I had always told myself that until I could honestly look at myself in the mirror and honestly say I gave it my all, that I would stick it out..


A couple of months later, I had arranged a birthday party for Addison's third birthday at Chuck E Cheese, and it was there that my aunt and uncle had put a bug in my ear... they mentioned that I had a glow about me and that I looked pregnant.


Shortly after my aunt and uncle's suspicion was confirmed... I found out I was pregnant with my second baby... a complete surprise... a blessing in my eyes!!  So this told me to give our marriage another change. 

Becoming overwhelmed with joy with wanting to share the beautiful news with the man I loved, the man thought I would spend the rest of my life with, the father of my children... his response..."WHAT! Are you trying to trap me? You planned this!?" on and on... after a while I was numb to what he was saying.  RED FLAG NUMBER ONE!!

What! was he stupid or something!?  We had already been married nearly five years and already had a beautiful little boy... Trapped? What an idiot!!


Oh my... I can not even begin to tell you all the thoughts that were going through my mind... my mind was going a mile a minute with overwhelming thoughts.  Let's just say that this conversation did not end pretty... and if anything it should have taken notice to RED FLAG NUMBER TWO!!


Compared to my being pregnant with Addison... this pregnancy was the most horrible experience I went through!  with the exception of having Addison by my side.


Bret was so much a part of my first pregnancy; talking to the baby; playing with my belly; going to all my doctor appointments, etc..


When it came to my pregnancy with Logan... All I can say it that I thank God for Addison!!  If it wasn't for my sweet little boy, I would have gone through it alone!, Bret called me fat, made excuses for not going to doctor appointments, never touched my belly or talked to it... however I later found out that he had plenty of time for extra curricular activities! and his attention was going elsewhere.

As time went on... Addison, well let's just say he was my bestest friend ever!  It wasn't about me having another baby, it was about Addison becoming a big brother!  He went to all my Obstetrical/Gynecological (OBGYN) appointments with me- when appropriate of course.  :)  He was there for the first time we saw our new family baby, first heartbeat and even when we found out he was to have a "little brother"!

When I was about five months pregnant, Addison and I had been looking at baby names in one of those books with well over 20,000 names..!!  for his little brother, and we came across "Logan" .... strangest thing then happened, Bret came home moments later he was telling us that he had seen the coolest name at the gym... "Logan"....  Guess what LOGAN it is!!!  


As a side note, Bret tried changing Logan's name several time, and Addison and I said NO!  Our baby is Logan!

Literally, the next day, I had been doing laundry... came across an infamous "little black book"... and as all good wives would do, I read it... RED FLAG NUMBER THREE!!

After a few hours of getting my thoughts straight, I found myself having having a very enlightening and lengthy conversation with this lovely lady... I came to find out that Bret had told her that Bret and I had been separated for months, about to divorce, and that I would not allow him to see our son except for every other weekend,- I even went as far as sharing with her that we were expecting child number two!  RED FLAG NUMBER FOUR!!


When I called him out on it when he got home from work...Can you believe it, eventually, in his defense, somehow in his crazy mind, he said it was my fault that he had his "little black book"

ONE WORD---->  WOW!!!

After all, at this point, I was five months pregnant with Logan, and we were making plans to move into a bigger home in Valencia.

Addison 5 and Logan 1-1/2

This was not the first incident like this... once we moved to Valencia and Logan had just turned one, I found out that Bret had been having six month relationship (which I later found out he continued it for another year, including having dinner with her parents, fixing their cars..etc) with another woman, who by the way could care less that he was married and had two children... RED FLAG NUMBER FIVE!!

Three months later, I ignorantly made the decision that we should go ahead and move to Seattle....  S T U P I D --->   S T U P I D ---->  S T U P I D !!! It only continued there!  Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater!

By the time Logan was two, we had filed for divorce... even with the experience of my own parent's divorce, seeing things I swore I would not do....  

Addison 19, Logan 15, Calley in belly
Mother's Day 2006

Bret on the other hand did not allow anything to stop him... all he cared about was destroying me, my relationship with my boys... parent alienation, perjury, getting his neighbors to lie, friends to lie, sabotaging my car, getting me fired from a job, lying to my children, brainwashing my children.... and so much more...

Why do I bring this up tonight.... well, I have not been able to speak to my son.  He does not answer my calls or texts.  Does not return calls.  Does not call when he says he is going to.

Something is wrong,  A mother knows.  I feel it.  I feel it in my heart. 

Dear Lord;  I am giving you my son, Logan.  I ask that you watch over him.  Be his conscious, help him do right and turn his back to all wrongdoing that comes in his path.  Please soften his heart and place good Christian, positive people in his path and his heart.  

Logan, without you in my life, a big part of my heart, soul and life is missing.  Without you in my life, I am not complete. 

A Prayer for my Son

 Almighty God,

Watch over my child.

In an age of violence, teach him peace.
Fill his soul with harmony rather than discord.
Protect him from injury, harm and sudden death at the hands of others.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
In an age of materialism, selfishness, and greed,
Let him see beyond the things of this world so that he may see a glimpse of things spiritual.
Let him value others above himself.
Let him seek wisdom above wealth.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
In an age of lust, let him know love.
In an age of gratification, let him know restraint.
Keep him sexually chaste and self controlled.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
As he grows, guide him.
As he stumbles, hold him.
In his times of anger, love him.
In his times of fear, touch him.
In his times of foolishness, teach him.
When he strays from your path, retrieve your lost sheep.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
Do not grant all the desires of his heart,
But grant all the needs of his soul.
Let him know sacrifice and discipline
So that he may know strength and faith.
As gold is placed in fire to be refined,
Give my child pain and suffering
So that he may lose those things in his heart and mind that are harmful to his soul.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
Give him love for the beauty of the world you have made.
Give him love for the family and friends.
Give him love for the stranger in his midst.
And above all, give him love for you,
That he may know you,
Serve you,
And glorify you.

Watch over my child, dear Lord.
Forgive his parents when they have failed in the nurture of this child,
And quiet their worries and fears.
May they, trusting in your love for their child,
find rest and peace in the knowledge that you are with him.

Amen.

Blessings to all!!


267 days / 38 weeks to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 77 ~ A Shout Out ... Filled With Gratitude

courtesy of Bing images

When I started writing my blog, as I have mentioned, I wanted to put my story out there for my children and my family so they could understand me a little more... and to possibly help someone.  

Having said that... I knew that my blog had to be read... however... I cannot believe all the cities that my blog has been read in!!  

I am dedicating tonight's post to all of those who have read my blog... I hope in some way I have either helped you, or at least made you laugh.   ~ wink, wink

Some of you may have only read my blog once, and others couldn't resist coming back for more... Either way... a big thank you!!!  and then some of you may not like what I write...  a quick note to you...  if you don't like what I experienced, how do you think I felt going through it all?

Regardless... I hope in some way I have toughed your heart, and maybe even made you laugh once or twice...  any way you look at it... 

a shout out to each an every one of you (a heartfelt hello)... you know who you are... ~ wink, wink.  ... this post is for you!!

courtesy of Bing images

...   as south as Porto Alegre, Rio de Janeiro and Sao Jose do Rio Preto, Sao Paulo - Brazil...   as north as on the borders of Nunavut and Manitoba, and in Vancouver Canada...   Alexandria, Egypt...   Paris, France...   as north as New Delhi, as west as Gujarat, Chennai and,  south of Dubbak and Vishakhapatnam in India...    Germany...    Malaysia...    near Amsterdam and Rotterdam in the Netherlands...   southern city in Pakistan...    Lima, Peru...   near the cities of Manila and Batagas City and near the small island of Banton in the Phillipeans...   southern Poland...   Moskva in Russia...   Singapore...   as well as near the cities of Seoul and Busan in South Korea...   near the cities of Birmingham, London, Oxford and just north of Stockton-on in the United Kingdom... 

I also want to pay homage to those back home, in the States, some old friends... and some new... may God Bless you too!

courtesy of Bing images

Normal, Alabama...   near Phoenix and in Tucson, Arizona...   near San Francisco, Los Angeles and San Diego, California...   Pensacola and Port Charlotte, Florida...   just outside of Atlanta and Huntsville, Georgia...   near Boise, Idaho...   the windy city- Chicago, Illinois...   Council Bluffs, Iowa...   just northeast of Wichita, Kansas...   south of New Orleans and Thibodaux, Louisiana...   a border city in Massachusetts...   Las Vegas, Nevada...   New York...   close to Cleveland, Ohio...   near Rapid City, South Dakota...   Austin, El Paso and San Antonio, Texas...   Seattle, Washington...   southwest of Washington D.C.... Milwaukee, Wisconsin...     

I really hope, that I in some way, have brought you a little insight, encouragement and support, possibly even some joy or even maybe an "Aha" moment... as much insight, encouragement and support, and "Aha" moments as writing this blog has brought me!   This one is for you!

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues.   -- Cicero

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.   -- Albert Schweitzer

Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.   -- Brian Tracy 

Blessings to all!!

288 days / 41 weeks to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 76 ~ Just In Case I Don't Get A Chance to Tell You...

courtesy of Bing images

Once again, I find myself wondering how to put what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking and above all, the love I feel for not only my children, but my Dino, family and friends ... to words.

There was something that caught my eye on t.v today...  next thing I knew someone was saying with such depth and love, "... we never know when we are going to go... any one of us ... at any time... if we'll ever see each other again..."

With that in mind, I would like to take this opportunity...

courtesy of Bing images

Since the moment I laid eyes on all my children... I am honored to say that I was the first to ever kiss you... and from that moment on... well let's just say that "you had me at Hello..."  Funny... it won't be until they themselves are parents before they really understand how much I love them!  I have no problem waiting.  (big smile)

courtesy of Bing images

As far as my family is concerned... each and every one of them have impacted my life in one way or another.  A bond has grown, without our choosing.  It's been said that "... we can't choose our family."  and then they also say... "...life is like a roller coaster... there's a certain high you're always on... that you don't want to get off." 

I guess you could say that, I would not be who I am without them.

courtesy of Bing images

Then there are my friends... my "Dream Team."  Where do I begin?  ... What I can say, is that... I don't know where I would be without you, let alone, who I would be...  I cherish all our times together and keep them tucked away in my heart.  Each and every one of you have a place in my heart.  I don;t know if you know this... but...you have helped me, with your own strengths, how to grow within myself and as a result I have become stronger as each day goes by.

Above all I thank you for giving me the best gift of all... by believing in me you have helped me believe in myself!  Thank you so much for having "my back"!

I  just wanted to take this time to tell you how much you mean to me... and when the day comes ... when my number is finally called... please... please laugh! YES!! LAUGH!!!  (and have a drink for me  -  BIG smile!!)  I want you to tell stories, go ahead I give you permission to embarrass me!  LOL!!  Finally, please, let my children know of the wonderful times we had together... and while I watch them from above I somehow know that I can count on you to help me with them down here.   

courtesy of Bing images

... as far as Dino... well ... he is such a wonderful person and deserves nothing but happiness... especially for putting up with me all these years!  LOL!!  (big smile)  However.. it would be nice if he missed me "just" a little.  (wink, wink)  - my attempt to being funny, again!

(big BIG heartfelt smile!) 

((((( big BIG HUG )))))

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.  ~Mother Teresa

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

 Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.    ~  Grandma Moses

Blessings to all!!

289 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 42 ~ ♪♫• Ch...ch...changes... ♪♫• (turn and face the strain) ♪♫•

Just finished up my sixth week of writing... and so prepared for whatever my seventh week has in store for me!

Courtesy of Bing images

Today, I got up and realized that if I wanted to be happy, I needed to do something about it!  I immediately called for Dean, and shared my discovery...  "What have I done?!  I can not go back to where I was teaching.  I was miserable there most of the year... and became more grouchier as the year advanced."...not only that... "We can't place Calley in public school because she is too young and "they" won't test her for another year"...

The decision was made... I will be home schooling Calley this year...  We can't put her in a pre-k class- she will climb the walls and be so bored (she knows all the material)... and we can no longer afford to the school she was going to...  We will all be much happier this way!

Courtesy of Bing images

I dropped the bomb on everyone today... and then got busy with housework... sorry ...

What will I do?  ...   Will I follow my dreams? ...  

Well one thing is for sure... I want to be happy... and I want to have positive people in my life... and quite frankly, I have to respect not only what I do- but who I work for.  

My life is a joy filled with love, fun and friendship all I need do is stop all criticism, forgive, relax and be open.

When I believe in myself, so do others

 I choose love, joy and freedom, open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.

Blessings to all!

323 days /  46 weeks to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent. 

Day 39 ~ What is a Friend?

Courtesy of Bing images

Mirriam-Webster defines a friend as one attached to another by affection or esteem.  I can go on further by stating that a friend is someone who is there through the "good", the "bad" and the "ugly", without question. A friend can agree to disagree without a second thought.  A friend remains a friend through adversity.  A friend can pick up right from where you left off without reason.  A friend takes the time to listen despite a lack of interest.  A  friend  remains loyal and true to the core.

I have had so call "friends" come and go, and maybe that's good.  Why?  Well, it has helped me focus on those who I matter to, and those who matter to me.  In other words, maybe they weren't my "friends" to begin with.

Don't get me wrong, doesn't mean it didn't sting.  I have had people call themselves my "friend" and then have had them judge me for who I am, what I do or even where I live!  Or some that just do not have the same values and principles as me, meaning they didn't have any, and then stick their nose up in the air to me.

I met someone this past year and we CLICKED!  And, most of you know that "clicking" with someone does not easily happen.  It had been such a long time since that feeling, that I was literally walking on cloud nine!  We had so much in common too!  We had been friends for seven months when I had invited her to my home... I made her a birthday lunch.  We had what I thought was a nice time. 


However, as weeks went on I noticed she was not calling me like she used to. She wasn't texting me as she used to, etc.  Calley had started getting sick (again), so my focus was elsewhere.  I only noticed this change when others came up to me and in conversation, share the good times they were having together.

I didn't want to jump to any conclusions, but as even more time went on, I observed.  I saw that she was calling others, going out to lunch with others, etc. Those others, well the ladies drove a better car, lived in a nicer home, and their husbands were all professionals, doctors and so forth.  

Or how about the person that calls themselves your friend, yet at the sight of adversity all of a sudden does not respond to your emails or comments!  Not much of a friend I would have to say!  I would never do that to you.

Well, I have two things to say to you... first, is that I hope you never get a "friend" such as yourself! and final thing... ALL OF THIS...  IN A BALLOON... and GONE! 

Courtesy of Bing images

I do not need to prove myself, let alone explain why my family and I are in the position we are in now.  They can either take me and my family or leave us.... as far as I am concerned I do not need friends like that.  But it does not mean that it did not hurt!

Does this mean I should be more careful as to who I befriend?  Should I have to?  My mother would always tell me not to trust anyone that calls themselves my friend.  I never could, and never will be like that... if that was the case then I would be alone without camaraderie.  What a lonely life that would be.  And I am not implying that this is the case for my other either.

Well, maybe I should not wear my heart on my sleeve and put a wall up!

NO!! I will not!!


Happy place.

Courtesy of Bing images

What I will do though, is continue being the happy person that I am becoming, putting all of that behind me. Continue to be the friend that I am. [Show and teach my daughter to be the same.]  I am a great person. Sure I have had my ups and downs.. more downs than anything... and I will no longer let that affect who I am. (if you were my friend you would understand what I have gone through and not turn your back away on me.)
BUT NO MORE I TELL YOU, NO MORE!!!


THIS IS MY LIFE AND I'M TAKING IT BACK!!

I am a great person, with wonderful values, virtues, and principles.  I love laughing, and crying.  I am a passionate person.  I love with my entire being!  And can get angry with just as much.  I am sometimes too honest to a fault.  Regardless, I am very trustworthy!  I am devoted, compassionate, dependable, thoughtful and supportive.  I will fight for my friends and make time for them.  More importantly, I am a loyal friend  and will always stand by you, MY FRIEND!

So if you do not like my car, my house or what I am wearing.... WELL POO ON YOU!!  I can care less what you think, because obviously you are not my friend to begin with... and quite frankly I can do better.  I have better!  

Courtesy of Bing images

The friends I do have all know this about me, and love me unconditionally.  I know this.  Why, well.. after all I have been through, they are still my friends.

I love you all so much for always being there for me, for forgiving my attitude at times, and for understanding me.  You will be my friend until we are old and gray!!

My friends are ALL on my "Dream Team"!

The next time someone deletes you as a “friend”, ask yourself, were they really a friend?

I will not put myself on the "clearance rack" for anyone!

 You can always tell a real friend:  when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.  ~Laurence J. Peter

 Friends are kisses blown to us by angels.  ~Author Unknown

 Cherish the friend who tells you a harsh truth, wanting ten times more to tell you a loving lie.  ~Robert Brault

Blessings to all!

326 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.