Day 297 ~ My Fight Continues V

Continued from Days 62, 63, 295 & 296...

As time went on, there were more and more times that I was put aside.  As the dust began to settle, my sons began to live.  My sons began to grow.  They were finally able to live their lives, and that they did.  They started going to sleepovers and parties.. conveniently they it would happen during their time with me.  What was I supposed to do?  Take their complete childhood away?  Hindsight.. I should have put myself first a little more.  Because, as time went on, my sons learned to put their friends first, before their mother.  Again, what was I supposed to do?  Keep them from having friends?  I wanted for them to have a happy healthy life.


More time went by, I found myself alone more without my boys.  The alienation continued.  The     passive aggressive behavior towards me continued.  The bullying continued.  My car had been vandalized at an event that was a last minute outing with my sons, and only their father knew it.  He own his own auto repair shop.  Very easy for him to have one of his flunkies do it for him.  I ended up being stranded for two hours that night, having to call "him" to come get the boys. 

After a couple of more years of the same, and with my sons growing older and older... I made a decision... I moved back home, back to Los Angeles.  Their father agreed to continue vacations and  major holiday trips at my expense... which never transpired.  He renigged on it all.  I was able to have my younger son visit me once, and even then his father called and cut his trip short by a day ("he" wanted my son home one day early, ONE DAY!) ... which caused major heartache on my part and I was out an additional $100 for changing the ticket.  Which he never paid me back.

My eldest son was allowed to come see me once, with my youngest son... it was for my father's funeral..  My sons' father would not allow my sons to be with their (my) family for more than six hours.  I actually paid $800 for my sons to fly down from the Northwest for six hours.  We had to pick them up at the airport at eleven in the morning, and then back at the airport by five that same evening.  They were not allowed to grieve for their grandfather.  The only grandfather they had ever known.

One would think that after twelve years (at the time) the dust would be settled.  I longed for the day that each of my sons would turn 18... hoping that they would have their own voice to finally speak up.  But... The dust never really settled... even after being divorced for nearly nineteen years.  

Y O U   S E E . . .  all this time I have been alienated from my sons.  I have been lied to, as have my sons.  With that said, I have put it all behind me- except for having to relive it all now with these posts, so that I may share my story.  Hold on a moment!  How can anyone ever put this behind them?  Honestly, time only helps to not think about it as much.

As each day passes, I struggle a little less.  I have good days.  I have bad days.  The loss of my sons will forever live inside of me.  Their lack of effort made to be a part of my life will change one day.

T O D A Y . . .  I have Calley.  I thank God for Calley everyday.  I feel so blessed to have been given a second chance at being a mommy.  Although, I must admit that because of the loss of my boys I sometimes catch myself being a little too overprotective over her.  I guess that can't be all bad.  I cherish each moment I have with my daughter, and strive to do right by her.

I have been telling Calley about her brothers from the day she was born, and has met them once (her older brother twice).  The last time she was with her brothers was three and a half years ago, she just had her second birthday before our visit.  


Whenever given a chance, Calley loves to tell people that she has brothers.  Also, there are all the pictures of them on our family walls.  Calley's too cute too, she is always asking about them.  She asks me to tell her stories of when they were little.  She continuously asks me what they like to eat and then will ask for me to make it for her.  At the end of each day, we finish with a prayer for her brothers, to keep them safe and close to God.

Funny thing... recently Calley one day started talking to me about her brothers.  Somewhere in the conversation she innocently assume that her daddy, was their daddy too.  Boy, talk about being put on the spot!  Well I proceeded to tell her that they had a different daddy, and that we had stopped being married.  Somehow as simply as I had put it, she understood.  And then proceeded to ask me if their daddy was part of our family.  OH BOY!  I had to contain myself,  and managed to do so.  I told her that her brothers are part of our family, and their father is part of their family... and since that was the case, we could all be considered an extended family.

I know one day my daughter will know the truth, but until then I will be as honest as I can, without taking her innocence away from her before its time.

I adore my sons, there's no question about it.  But until they are ready to be a part of my life, I will continue to hope for the day we will finally be able really put it behind us and be a family.  I will pray for myself.  I will pray for their safety.  Above all, I will pray for them to one day meet, fall in love with and marry wonderful Christian girls.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.  ~Elizabeth Stone

Continued with my final thoughts on Day 298.


Blessings to all!!

68 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 296 ~ My Fight Continues IV

Continued from Days 62, 63 & 295...

After that day at McDonald's, there were what seemed to be an eternity of court dates, weekly appointments with the G.A.L, and then at least two appointments per week with a family psychologist.  For nearly one year, my sons gave up their childhood... and for what?  Just so a man can get his vengeance.

Oh how I hated showing up at the court house.  Then finally, "my day" in court came.  I gave my attorney a document (I got a hold of) that proved that my sons' step-mother had committed pergury.   All of a sudden the other side wanted to settle.  To this day I am still bothered that my attorney did not go directly to the judge with it (or is that done only in the movies?), instead he went to the other side with it.    

At that moment, all I could think of was putting it ALL behind me.. having my life back with my sons... giving my sons back their childhood...  I knew at that moment that either I could continue fighting my sons' father, or end it all amicably (for whatever that means)... I thought of my boys.  


We had settled on shared custody, with the boys staying with their dad ("he") the majority of the school year-  I would get my sons Thursday through Monday one week, and Friday through Sunday the next.  During the summertime, it would flip.  However vacation time would come into play, as well as these cockamamie "free" days that I or he could use with a 48 hour notice.  But somehow my sons dad would screw me over each summer, where I would barely end up with a month with my sons.  I always was somehow taken advantage of.  I was always thinking of my sons, and "he" knew it... and "he" would always be thinking of how he could stick it to me, instead of just letting go and let live.  There were also holidays, birthdays and so on that were split and alternated each year.


Even at that moment . . . when I was signing the settlement papers in front of the judge, all the while he was saying that we better be sure of what we were agreeing to, I was unsure of it all but did not want my sons to suffer any more.  Years later, my youngest son asked me why I hadn't fought harder.  O U C H !  All I know is that I did the best I could at the time, especially when I did it all alone.

As I look back, I see myself as being weak.  I had been intimidated and bullied for so long.  My sons' father and his wife would gang up on me.  They would ridicule me.  So many times I would show up at my sons' athletic events and I would be shunned upon.  My sons were not even allowed to come over and say hello to me when they saw me... they would have to ask for permission to come over to me, yet allowed to go anywhere else without a problem.


I remember once at my son's baseball game, I was enjoying the game.  I was watching the game comfortably in a lawn chair, in front of my car... when another mom approached me.  She had asked me who's mom I was, knowing the answer already.  She proceeded to warn me about my son's step-mother.  She told me that the step-mother had been bad mouthing me to several of the mom's there.  "Don't worry honey, I too deal with an evil step-mother and recognized her actions right away.  I want you to know that we would love it for you to sit with us anytime you want."  WOW!  I could not believe what I was hearing.  Someone actually coming to my defense, someone actually "having my back."  I thanked her and continued watching the game from where I was sitting.

to be continued...

Recently, I keep hearing these words said over and over, yet worded a little different each time.  I would like to share my friend's quote with you... 

Surround yourself with people who celebrate who you are, not those who choose to pick you apart.  They don't appreciate the gift you really are, and aren't worthy of your presence anyway.   ~ Denise Matthews Bickers 

Blessings to all!!

69 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 295 ~ My Fight Continues III

Continued from Days 62 & 63...

Ronique "Pepper" Smith and her birth
mom reunited at last   June-2011

Just finished watching this heart wrenching, anything is possible kind of story on Dateline ID, titled Lost and Found.  

This episode was about a woman who had been kidnapped at the age of four and raised by her kidnapper.  Click here for the story on YouTube.  This episode is in a total of six parts on YouTube, this being the first of six. The other five are on YouTube as well.  

Every parent's nightmare, mine including, is the fear of your child being abducted, taken away from you.

I remember the first time my father took my eldest son to his first Los Angles Kings game, he was about 3 or so.  The entire time he was with my father, I prayed that my father would keep an eye on him and not let him out of his sight.  Talk about anxious!  I could not wait for the game to end so I could pick up my baby.

It doesn't matter how old your children are, the concern and worry will always be there.

Today, in a split second, when Calley (5) steps away from me at the market...I become a wreck!!!  Yes, I freak out each time; and each time I kneel down to Calley and praise God and then scold her.  I try to put the fear of God in her.  Tell her that there are bad bad people out there.  I just realized that I always tell her about BAD MEN... I should also tell her that there are BAD WOMEN too. Calley always responds to me so innocently, "Mommy... I was just right there" (pointing to only steps away.)  

Now, even though my boys were not taken away from me in the same way by being abducted, I can sincerely empathize with parents who have had their children taken from them.  

Some may even say, your sons were with their father... you knew where they were.  

Yes.  They are right.  I did know where they were.  However... their father went to unorthodox, evil measures and made up that I had inappropriately touch my younger son (who was three at the time).... Which then caused a horrible domino affect in my life!  A restraining order was put on me to stay away from my children.   To read more about this see Days 62 and 63 for more details.

H O W E V E R. . .  I suffered a loss.  My "mommy" strings were cut... my children gone.  

to be continued...

I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me "mommy."  ~author unknown

Blessings to all!!

70 days to go...

PS... for a, l & c.  You are my sunshine(s).  

Images are courtesy of google or Bing images.  Some images maybe labeled property of Carla Barila Karam and of this blog, Taking Back My Life ~ Making It My Own.  U.S Copyright laws apply.  ©

Day 120 ~ Seventy Times Seven Times

All my life I have struggled making friends...  When I was little, about five, it seemed as if I didn't fit in.  Already I felt like an outcast.... and as I grew older that feeling did not go away.  This was mostly because my last name was not "all american" and I spoke with a slight Spanish accent.  Back in the 70s, let alone the 60s, the Latin population in Los Angeles was barely a tenth of what it is today.


By the time I was ten, my parents had started their "ugly" divorce.  A midst all of the drama and among all of the dust and rubble of what was once our family, there remained my sister, brother and I.  We were all about three years apart, I was the eldest and my brother the youngest, leaving my sister in the middle.


Today, as a mom to three beautiful children, I have learned that my siblings and I had a very unhealthy upbringing.  At a time in life when children should be loved, taught and guided by their parents, we were instead being used as pawns against one another and between our parents.


My eyes fill with tears just at the thought of what we went through and what we witnessed.  If my parents were not fighting, they were putting us in the middle or just not talking at all.


When either one of them would get upset... WHAM-O!  Once the major fighting was over,  all communication would stop.  There wouldn't be any discussions, let alone agreeing to disagree.  This included other family members and friends.  This is how they handled conflict.  


So... as I grew up and became an adult and formed my own relationships with people... can you guess what happens next?  Well you got it!  I learned what I witnessed.  I developed nearly the same way of handling things.  Oh and never mind if you made me mad or did me wrong... my answer was a simple one... I just stopped talking to you and basically crossed you out of my life.  I stopped associating with you.


The last ten years of my life have been very enlightening.  I now witness healthy relationships, discussions and people agreeing to disagree.  I can still be harsh.  However, if I realize after the fact that I acted like a jerk... I am the first to apologize.


Forgiveness... this is a tough one.  Nonetheless, this is something I have been working on.  Forgiving people who have done me wrong has been very difficult for me.  But I have done it.  The "biggie" was forgiving the woman who helped my ex-husband (his newest ex-wife) take my boys from me.  At first they were just words.  I was just going through the motion and seeing where it took me.  However, as time went on I really forgave her.  The surprise of it all was that I felt AWESOME!!!

Today I was reading a pamphlet, by Christopher News Notes, I found among Nana's books, to Calley... the title, "Forgiveness Seventy Times Seven".  As I read on so many things were making sense to me. First off, forgiveness is not a feeling it's  a choice.  Right then I realize that I did make the choice to forgive my ex's ex.  All those times I was not feeling like forgiving... I was way off!


More recently, after nearly twenty-five years of not having a relationship with my sister I made the choice to forgive her.  This one was not easy.  I was reluctant, fearful of becoming vulnerable.  I am struggling with opening up my heart 100% to her because I am scared to get hurt and not have a sister once again.


As I read on [to Calley] I read that forgiveness is taking a risk.  It read on saying that it is making making myself vulnerable.  Some would even say it was foolishness, BUT to renew my commitment to my sister who had betrayed my trust is to trust myself to handle being hurt again.


Forgiveness is...
a decision; showing mercy even when the injury has been deliberate; accepting the person as he is; taking a risk; accepting an apology; a way of living; and choosing to love!


Forgiveness is not... 
sentimental, not condescending, not righteous.  Above all it is not conditional.

Peter asked Jesus, " 'Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother if he wrongs me?  As often as seven times?'  'No,' He replied, 'Not seven times; I say, seventy times seven times'."            ~ Matthew 18:22

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

  

Blessings to all!!

245 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 99 ~ Have You Had A Good Cry Lately?

Today was a day that... well... that has opened my eyes to a few things once again!  More like has shined a new light onto things.

I once again woke up on the wrong side of my bed... then as I found myself doing things, I also noticed a very dark cloud over my head.  Then next thing, all I could say was...

"Why  me? ... Why me?"

~ Why was I born to a father who cared more about chasing skirts, than the well being or  even the legacy he would leave his children; who also had no problem belittling me, verbally abusing me- regardless if there was an audience or not!  He also had no problem embellishing any truths... be it his own or mine - which only told me that I did not make him proud enough.

.  

I remember his last wife, number four to be exact- that's if he was being honest about that (for all I know could have been number 5 or 6 at this point!) who knows... anyways... I remember her telling me one that she said my father was a liar...I remember it as if it was yesterday... 'if your father was to tell me it was raining outside... I'd have to go to the window and check.for myself--- that's how much I believe him!"   ...  boy that said a lot... about the both of them!

~ A mother who herself did not have the best examples of what a mother should be, being that her mother herself does not give the best examples, even with how she treats her own children... (for whatever reason my mother ended up being raised by her two great-aunts), then to think...  she thought she found her knight in shinning armor, only to be unfortunate enough to get pregnant from a one night stand (result = me), and then having two more children (I can't explain that one- other than they both came from affluent families, and it happened to be the sixties... in their defense, they both were sober)... as time went on, she finally spent over forty years battling mental illnesses including depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and postpartum depression (in the 60's when they had no clue what PPD was, they thought she had schizophrenia and ended they ended up giving her over seventeen shock treatments).

~  My sister, brother and I, are and were mere products of our parent's screw ups! and their mental disorders... As far as my father was concerned- well he believed that my grandfather was not his biological father, and his mother took the truth to her grave with her... he was spoiled by his mother and in her eyes could never do wrong....

Feeling the need to end this cycle... I sought a therapist.. (many years ago)

During  one of my therapy sessions while discussing my father... my therapist pulled out one of her books and had me read the definition of a narcissist...

I cried .... it described my father to a "t".

So after taking a long look at my life and how I have reacted to life and its trials it has given me...

I have come to the conclusion that I am a harsh person, who is very rough around the edges.  -On one hand it bothers me very much because it reminds me a lot of my father... and on the other... I am saddened by it. 

Why?

My heart is hurting right now so much ... I really need a friend to talk to...  however... when the phone barely rings once and goes directly to voice mail... 

I'm sure you can begin to understand.....

All I can do right now is look back at how I have acted towards people and the reasons behind it... I was about to say ... it's not because I am a bi*&h...

Life, its trials, experiences, being at the right place at the wrong time and mean people have made me a bitter person... and for the few friends I do have... you have been around long enough to be a first hand witness and understand what has happened to me.

It is such a sad and lonely feeling knowing that you do not have anyone to talk to when you are at a low place in your life.

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.  ~- Barbara de Angelis   

Don't run from lessons;  they are little packages of treasures that have been given to us.  As we learn from them, our lives change for the better.  I now rejoice whenever I see another portion of the dark side of myself.  I know that it means that I am ready to let go of something that has been hindering my life.  I say, "Thank you for showing me this, so I can heal it and move on,"   ~ Louise l. Hay

Blessings to all!!


266 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 63 ~ My Fight Continues!! ... Part Deux

courtesy of Bing images

To answer the question at hand... I WAS VERY STUPID!!  


I was very stupid to think that the man I had married, the man I had loved (and supposedly loved me back), the man I had trusted, the man I bore children to... YES that man... I was stupid to think that I could believe in him and trust him.


One word... HA!


Sooo... I rolled up my sleeves and searched for an attorney that would take my case, after all I was being accused of un-motherly acts!!  


As my attorney and I started to scratch the surface of what was really going on, I found out that I needed to get a Guardian Ad Litem (A guardian ad litem is a guardian appointed by a court to protect the interests of a minor or incompetent in a particular matter.)

A G.A.L. was appointed by the court and before the ink could dry... I made the "call" to her to get the ball rolling immediately.  However, it wasn't that easy.  There were hoops to jump through and obstacles to go around.

Before the G.A.L. would even see me, she stated that I had to take a lie detector test.  So the G.A.L. gave me the number of a specialist, and I called her only to find out that my appointment would not be for another six months!  YES SIX MONTHS!!!  My heart sank!!  

courtesy of Bing images

When I made my appointment I found out that not only would I have to take a lie detector test, but I also had to take an MMPI test (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory test -  is the most frequently used personality test in the mental health fields. This assessment, or test, was designed to help identify personal, social, and behavioral problems in psychiatric patients. The test helps provide relevant information to aid in problem identification, diagnosis, and treatment planning for the patient) along with another test... both tests took me nearly four hours to take.  


Let me explain a little more... it wasn't the actual tests... or was it?  My person, my ability to be a mother, who I was and who I am was being questioned... and on top of it all... until the tests were taken and the results were read, I could not see my boys!!!  I was guilty until proven innocent.

courtesy of Bing images

The results were finally in... I was honest and I was normal.  I passed all tests.  When it was all said and done... it took NINE MONTHS!!!

courtesy of Bing images

The most heart wrenching part of it all was that at one point during the nine month ordeal, probably five or six months into it, I went to McDonald's for a bite to eat and was stopped dead in my tracks!!!  My boys were inside eating with the "new" step mother.  


YES... the "man" didn't even wait for the sheets to cool off or the ink to dry on "our" divorce papers.  Gee... how did that happen?  Had he been cheating on me with her too?  Who knows... and at this point, frankly WHO CARES!!!  Not me!


I froze!  Then I ran back to my car... and cried for what seemed forever!  

to be continued...  


Revised March 29, 2012...  this has been a little more difficult to share than what I once thought...  Therefore... please see Day 295 for the continuation of my loss.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.   Elizabeth Stone

Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.   H. Jackson Brown, Jr. 

Blessings to all!!

302 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 62 ~ My Fight Begins!! ... Part One

Today was one of "those" days!...  Actually, to be quite honest, it is a continuation of yesterday.  

This is what I hate most about thinking and acting upon missing my boys...  It sends me for a spin every time, and my whole world turns gray.

I am still trying to be ... NO... I AM! being positive... it's just that I tripped and am having a hard time getting up.

I know that I have been vague about what actually went down with my divorce and why my boys aren't with me... I just hate re-hashing it.  However, if my goal is to help some one other than myself... then, I have to put it out there.

When their father and I decided to split, first of all, the boys were only going to be with him temporarily until I got a bigger place... so that was STUPID DECISION NO. 1!

As time went on it was ok... Then "HE" decided to file for divorce.  It took me for a shock, but I went with it.  "HE" told me that he would pay for the attorney and "take care" of everything.

OH HE TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING ALRIGHT!!

STUPID DECISION NO. 2!!

LA Kings - Courtesy of Bing images

When I read the final papers... he had custody of my boys and there wasn't any visitation or holidays listed.  I WAS SPEECHLESS!!  and THE GLOVES CAME OFF!

Later, it was VERY apparent that he later took his gloves off too!~ and not only does "he" not play nice, but "he" doesn't play by the book either!

This not only completely hurt me, but he infuriated me as well!..  I sought the advise of an attorney and ended retaining him as well.

This did not sit well with the "EX"!  Not at all!  I was basically spitting in his face for his so called "trust me".

Side note:  when someone says "TRUST ME"...this is a RED FLAG!!  DON"T!!

I thought everything went well... without a humongous court battle, I was given rights, holidays and appropriate time with my boys.  I know I had made "HIM" mad... but I could not let it sit that way.

I thought my life was going on "its" way after the six months we had spent adjusting our "family plan"

Then one day at work... I was bar-tending at the time (helped me pay for the attorney and left my days free to go to court etc.)  Prior to this job, I had been let go from my travel agent position due to "too many personal problems."  "HE" had been calling me and harassing me at work and my boss could not take it anymore.

Courtesy of Bing images

As I said, I had been at work... and as soon as my shift ended and I was about to balance out my till etc... and then this "IDIOT" I had been serving and been talking to for at least two hours, asked me my name, and then said those magical words... "YOU HAVE BEEN SERVED!!"  

I had been served with a restraining order to stay away from my boys... I immediately called "HIM" to ask he what was up... and according to "him"... "HE" had no clue!  

And with that, it started my three year night mare and my fight for my children.

I showed up to my court hearing regarding the restraining order, only to find out that I was being accused of "inappropriately touching" my then three year old!!

The walk back to my car, well "HE" offered me a ride to my car... and the entire time "HE" played stupid... not knowing what it was all about.

The stupid one was me... for ever thinking that "HE" could be trusted... that "HE" would take care of me...  that "HE" was looking out for all of our best interests!

Six words...

HOW STUPID COULD I HAVE BEEN!  ...

to be continued...

Nothing can stop the person with the right mental attitude from achieving their goal; nothing on earth can help the person with the wrong mental attitude.
Thomas Jefferson

Blessings to all!!

303 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.