Day 99 ~ Have You Had A Good Cry Lately?

Today was a day that... well... that has opened my eyes to a few things once again!  More like has shined a new light onto things.

I once again woke up on the wrong side of my bed... then as I found myself doing things, I also noticed a very dark cloud over my head.  Then next thing, all I could say was...

"Why  me? ... Why me?"

~ Why was I born to a father who cared more about chasing skirts, than the well being or  even the legacy he would leave his children; who also had no problem belittling me, verbally abusing me- regardless if there was an audience or not!  He also had no problem embellishing any truths... be it his own or mine - which only told me that I did not make him proud enough.

.  

I remember his last wife, number four to be exact- that's if he was being honest about that (for all I know could have been number 5 or 6 at this point!) who knows... anyways... I remember her telling me one that she said my father was a liar...I remember it as if it was yesterday... 'if your father was to tell me it was raining outside... I'd have to go to the window and check.for myself--- that's how much I believe him!"   ...  boy that said a lot... about the both of them!

~ A mother who herself did not have the best examples of what a mother should be, being that her mother herself does not give the best examples, even with how she treats her own children... (for whatever reason my mother ended up being raised by her two great-aunts), then to think...  she thought she found her knight in shinning armor, only to be unfortunate enough to get pregnant from a one night stand (result = me), and then having two more children (I can't explain that one- other than they both came from affluent families, and it happened to be the sixties... in their defense, they both were sober)... as time went on, she finally spent over forty years battling mental illnesses including depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and postpartum depression (in the 60's when they had no clue what PPD was, they thought she had schizophrenia and ended they ended up giving her over seventeen shock treatments).

~  My sister, brother and I, are and were mere products of our parent's screw ups! and their mental disorders... As far as my father was concerned- well he believed that my grandfather was not his biological father, and his mother took the truth to her grave with her... he was spoiled by his mother and in her eyes could never do wrong....

Feeling the need to end this cycle... I sought a therapist.. (many years ago)

During  one of my therapy sessions while discussing my father... my therapist pulled out one of her books and had me read the definition of a narcissist...

I cried .... it described my father to a "t".

So after taking a long look at my life and how I have reacted to life and its trials it has given me...

I have come to the conclusion that I am a harsh person, who is very rough around the edges.  -On one hand it bothers me very much because it reminds me a lot of my father... and on the other... I am saddened by it. 

Why?

My heart is hurting right now so much ... I really need a friend to talk to...  however... when the phone barely rings once and goes directly to voice mail... 

I'm sure you can begin to understand.....

All I can do right now is look back at how I have acted towards people and the reasons behind it... I was about to say ... it's not because I am a bi*&h...

Life, its trials, experiences, being at the right place at the wrong time and mean people have made me a bitter person... and for the few friends I do have... you have been around long enough to be a first hand witness and understand what has happened to me.

It is such a sad and lonely feeling knowing that you do not have anyone to talk to when you are at a low place in your life.

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.  ~- Barbara de Angelis   

Don't run from lessons;  they are little packages of treasures that have been given to us.  As we learn from them, our lives change for the better.  I now rejoice whenever I see another portion of the dark side of myself.  I know that it means that I am ready to let go of something that has been hindering my life.  I say, "Thank you for showing me this, so I can heal it and move on,"   ~ Louise l. Hay

Blessings to all!!


266 days to go...

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.  

Day 92 ~ On One Hand Or The Other...

Today was a day that turned out to be one used to catch my breath and organize what I have on my plate.  A little kick back and introspective per say.


You know I just had a memory flash in my mind's eye ... out of the blue I had a quick flash back to a  conversation I was having with one of Dean's cousins' wife... does this make her my cousin too?  Well, I would not hesitate to adopt her as one, being that she is a total sweetheart... and I love her!  -anyways to get back on track here...  I was briefly telling her about my blog, as well as the loss of my boys, and my goals behind it.


When thinking about her response of "Oh, I didn't know..." I realized, that I myself was allowing that experience to define me.


As quickly as that thought entered my mind, it exited... and I realized I was doing it to myself.  Defining myself as such that is.


On one hand how could you blame me... I lost my boys!  And that pain I would not wish upon anyone!!  As a side note, the father of her older two cutie-pa-tootie sons lives in the northwest... which is a coincidence, being that my sons live in the northwest as well. 



Then, on the other hand... instead of allowing loosing my boys to define me... I will take what I learned and I went through with those experiences and help someone else who is going through the same... be there for them.  And be able to say..."I KNOW what you are going through..."

If we don't change, we don't grow.  

If we don't grow, we are not really living.

Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.

~ Gail Sheehy ~

If you look at what you have in life, you'll always have more.

If you look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough.

~ Oprah Winfrey ~ 

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards:  they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so they will be happier.

The way it actually works is the reverse.

You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.

~ Margaret Young ~ 

Blessings to all! 

273 days to go

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.