Day 19 ~ Learning The Hard Way

Alright I just got sucked into "The Bachelorette" on ABC once again... Oh brother!!  There are times that I just want to jump into the television and scream at Ashley!  I was so happy when "that" Bentley left... WHAT A JERK!!!  (Must be his way for getting back at his mother naming him that!)  

Honestly, I think we (all us dolls) have had a "Bentley" in our lives at one point or another.  I know I can say that I have had my share.  Yes, you think I would have learned after the first... BUT NOOOOO... I was a glutton for punishment.

I think my lowest point was when I dated a twenty-two year old, when I was thirty-seven.  I would allow this USER to borrow my new car, and little did I know that he was using it to date another girl!  I FINALLY believed my friends and confront him.  Oh he denied it, and then was out the next night again with this girl!  Oh yeah this guy knew what to say when, and I would fall for it every time.

Courtesy of Bing images

I was such an IDIOT!!  All because I wanted to be happy and find true love!  Oh and my friends.. Oh they were warning me... but did I listen?  NOOOOO 

It finally took two thousand dollars, humiliation, embarrassment, and eventually loosing my job (because I was just not focusing where I needed to!) and I made an IDIOT out of myself!  And what's worse is, that I allowed this mere boy around my boys.  I was such a FOOL! 

Thank god my friends did not give up on me!  They were warning me left and right... and I did not believe them.  I believed him each and every time.  He would tell me that they were jealous. HA! What was more stupid was that I cried when I knew HE HAD TO GO!  OH BROTHER!

So, I guess we all have a little Ashley in us all, and we all learn the hard way.  But that does not mean it will always be like that.  With each "Bentley"  that has come into my life, I have wised up that much more! 

I am blessed to have Dean in my life.  We of course have our ups and downs, as any marriage does... BUT I WOULD NOT TRADE HIM IN FOR THE WORLD!!

I hope that Ashley finds her "Dean"!

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.         1 Corinthians 10:13

Blessings to all!


346 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask. All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 17 ~ Doing The Right Thing !!

I started my day on a good note, and not only that but I decided that I only wanted positive things in my life today.  I am juggling so many balls which are bouncing around in my life right now, that I needed to step away!

 by Federico Stevanin

Soooo... I got out of bed and I literally did the wet dog shake! Okay, all better now! (as if that's all it takes - Regardless... I was going to give it the "ol' college try!")  So YES, that's all it took... and off I went to face my day laughing my butt off!

As my day went on, there was a time today I found myself lost in thought and ended up having a moment of self-evaluation of how I was handling this Merit Velasco situation, including the direction that my blog has taken in the last week... 

My blog is meant for me to write about who I am, the roads I have traveled and the tribulations I have had to face... Why?  Well I want all my children to know the paths I have taken which have led me to where I am today.  I do not want them to have any doubts about me, who I am or why I was the way I was. 

I am not saying that I have those doubts about, say my father for instance, because I don't.  However, he felt differently.  My father himself, felt slighted, and was left with unanswered questions which his mother took to her grave with her, and affected him for the next fourteen years until the day he died.

Since I mentioned my father... I know I have unloaded some harsh and possibly unbelievable things about him, nonetheless it is the truth.  I did not write about our relationship to hurt him or disrespect his memory in any way.  He was very aware of his mistreatment of me, and apologized for it [literally] five days before he passed (it was the one and only time he had ever apologized to me.)  Regardless of his behavior, he was my father, and I love and miss my daddy.  

I wrote [and will write] about my feelings of my experiences as a process of healing and to let my children know of that part of my history.  Not to hurt or disrespect anyone.

I don't want you to think that something has occurred or that anyone has said anything to me regarding the content of my blog... because they haven't.  As a matter of fact, my entire family is aware and very supportive of my blogging.  I just wanted to make all of this perfectly clear so there aren't any misunderstandings, and more so because of recent day's events.

After some thought and reassurance, I have decided to add scripture to my blog.  I would like to end my blog on a positive note and continue my spiritual growth with Jesus.  I went onto the internet on one of my favorite sites... www.biblegateway.com/   (This is a wonderful site for looking up bible scriptures.)  

When I first opened the website and saw the scripture of the day, I was blown away!!   Before I share it with you let me share some thoughts with you first.  Once again. please bare with me, it will all make sense in the end.

As I mentioned I have been doing some self-evaluating and I asked myself the following questions...  

• Am I being vengeful?  No.  All I am trying to do is get back what is rightfully mine.
• Should I just drop it and go back to MY life?  After some thought this is an experience, and a bad one at that, that is part of my life, what I have gone through.  But do I drop it?  As I have already said, if I drop this it will send a negative message to Merit and Marylou allowing them to think that they got away with taking someone else's possession, concluding that they can do whatever they want to whom ever they want to and get away with it.  Therefore, I can comfortably say that my answer remains no, I will not drop this.    
•  Am I being hateful?  No I am not.  Honestly I do not hate Merit and Marylou.  I feel sadness and I feel sorry for them both.  These girls are basically my sons ages, and just as I would not allow for them do something like this to someone else- stranger or not, I will not allow them.  I sincerely hope that I can teach them a valuable lesson that will make them better people.  I would hate for them to end up in jail, junkies or worse yet - uneducated.  As a matter of fact I think it would be awesome to make a difference in their lives so much so that it would turn their lives around.  It would be really cool!

After my self-evaluation and prayer, I felt reassured and I believe very strongly that I am doing the right thing.  After all, I would never allow any of my children to do something so disrespectful not only to themselves, but towards their family and friends too.

"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD."            Leviticus 19:18 NIV

 Blessings to all!

348 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 16 ~ What Would YOU Do?

What a week!  It has been emotionally exhausting!!  It's HARD work standing up for a cause, or rather fighting for justice and "MY" blackberry.

by CBK

The show "What Would You Do?" on ABC hosted by reporter John Quiñonez, just scratches the surface on whether people do the right thing or not.  More times than not people choose not to help others, basically because they do not want to get involved.  

You often find people who do think or care about what may happen to them if they get involved in helping a stranger.  I find it very sad quite frankly, I really do.

I have had first hand experience with this, this week.  I have been very grateful for the help given me this week in trying to get Merit Velasco, of Sunland Park, New Mexico, to give me back my phone.  However, I was sad when one person did help me, and when I happen to mention their name when defending her sister for helping me, (I did not mention if she helped me or not) she had wished I had not mentioned her name... I was proud to know these two women who stood up for what was right, even if it meant outing a longstanding friend of the family.

I was even more amazed to see that only seven out of forty-nine people responded to my pleads and gave me some type of help.  SO sad.

I will not give up hope on my phone, even if I do not get it back, this has been an experience of a lifetime.  I will not stop fighting for justice or turning Merit Velasco's name to MUD!!  She had her chance.. I even gave her one last opportunity today and NOTHING!!  So I march on.... I warned her!!

I am not trying to be CRAZY about this... but think, if I give up my fight and forget this happened. The result will be that Merit Velasco and her sister Marylou Velasco will come to the conclusion that they can do anything, steal anything and lie about anything WITHOUT consequence.. Well thanks to me they are going to learn a valuable lesson and hopefully they will think twice about doing this to another person again.

To the people who did nothing about their family member/friend and did not want to get involved....... SHAME ON YOU!!!! and I hope that one day Merit does not steal from YOU!!

Well this has really been a lesson to learn, but regardless if I see an injustice occur and I can help.... guess what... I WILL HELP!  There are too many people in this world that do not care... and I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!!!

What would you have done? Would you help a stranger and out a friend or family member?

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”   ~  Maria Robinson

Blessings to all...

349 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 13 ~ YES!!! I Had to Go There!!

The last couple of days have been a blur!  I have been totally consumed with getting my phone back.  Especially since I figured out who it was that found my phone... and she refuses to give it back!   Really?   I mean.. REALLY??!!!

I took a chance this morning and sent a text to my new found friend to see if she had any luck convincing her friend to return my phone.  

(If you are reading my blog for the first time or you didn't tune in yesterday... I suggest you read Day 12 first so you know what the heck is going on.)

Bottom line I told Jane, who by the way has a heart of gold and should not be judged by her friend's actions, that the offer was still on the table.  I just wanted my phone back; its of no use to this girl, especially since its been reported stolen.  But to no avail her friend wants to keep my phone!!

Honestly, I even tried pulling at their heart strings.  Telling them that Calley's medical history and all her doctor's information is on that phone.  I also even told her about all of my family pictures on it.  Which is all true.  Nothing!  If you want to see a full transcript of the texts, click here.

Needless to say, I shared this with my friends on Facebook.  I needed ideas.  I wanted to teach this girl a lesson.  I needed help, and I needed to vent to my friends.  

Well my friends, between posting on Facebook [and receiving wonderful support and ideas from my friends,] and texting Jane the right questions, I took a chance and I found out who the girl was that took my phone.  Name, picture, city she lives in, and a list of over a hundred friends, and I found it all out on Facebook!! 

However... the more I was being told that my phone was NOT going to be returned... the more I became Blackberry obsessive... the more the wheels were turning.  Then I called to make an insurance claim to replace my phone, and I find out that the deductible to replace my bb was $100!!   

OK... THAT'S IT!!!  I had been nice long enough!  I told my Jane to let her friend know that she had just under three hours to return my phone to the "scene of the crime" or I was going to go VIRAL myself!  Well not in those exact words, but you get the picture.  :)

SOOOooo... 1:00pm came... and...

First, I filled out a police report online.  I really doubt they will do anything, even with a name and confession.  But I did it anyway, and will receive a police report number within seventy-two hours.  We'll see...

Then, I wrote a message, a plea if you will.  Check it out here.  I sent it to all of her friends on Facebook, well at least the ones that didn't look like "trouble" ~ if you get my drift. ;) 

I did get one response from a cousin.  She told me that they didn't talk, and with that, she also said that her cousin would not return the phone.  Then added that she needs to take responsibility for her actions, and that she was sorry.

Finally, I called the local news channel.  I know, I know!  AS IF!  lol!!  No, but really I did.  

You know it's not so much the phone, what am I saying, it is too!!  BUT more so, IT'S THE PRINCIPLE!!  This young lady who is the same age as my eldest son, 23, and who is a STRIPPER, (AND YES I HAD TO GO THERE!!!) needs to learn a lesson in human decency! among other things!!!  She must not really like herself to be so mean, and really needs a little faith in her life.

courtesy of Bing images

So to my wonderful friend who always knows exactly what I need to hear... is this pillory enough?   [Not to insult anyone because I had to look the word up myself - how's that for honesty?]   Definition of PILLORY. 1: a device formerly used for publicly punishing offenders consisting of a wooden frame with holes in which the head and hands can be locked.

Now the other side of the coin...

In my gut I have this feeling that I should just leave this to God, and maybe I should.  However, is stealing or not being honest alright with God?  I know the answer to that... it was just a rhetorical question...

Nonetheless, NoNE of this is okay!!  Not the $100 deduction, not my phone NOT being returned... the fact that out of nearly one hundred people that I have contacted because of this girl ONLY TWO PEOPLE have replied to me and have come across with having some respect, values and integrity.

Can I NOW say that she has STOLEN my phone?  What do they say about a woman scorned?  (Another rhetorical question- haha, attempt at humor)  FORGET THAT!!   How about a woman that has had her Blackberry stolen!!!

Blessings to all!!

352 Days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 11 ~ A Father's Apology

by anat tikker 

I have just spent the last half hour staring at my laptop~  Father's Day... heavy subject.  Well I did say that I would not sugar coat anything and be 100% honest... so here goes...

My father passed away March of 2006, and I do miss him... BUT ... we did have one roller-coaster of a relationship.  We had just reconciled five weeks prior to his death after not haven spoken for three years.  

However, it wasn't always like that.  I can truly say that as a little girl he loved me, but after he and I came back from Buenos Aires, Argentina because my mother had given custody of me to his grandfather [whom he had not spoken to in years,] ... our relationship started to change.  Oh yeah, I can't make this stuff up any better than this... this really happened!

My mother and father had rough relationship, I remember... they fought a lot, my father had a bad temper, and my mother (another story, another day) was depressed and became sick (even ending up in a mental institution) for the last three years of their marriage, after finding out that my father had an affair with her younger sister who had been staying with us...  don't really remember too many loving, happy moments after that...

Then it happened, when I was nine my mother received the dreaded phone call.  My father called to say that he had been involved in a severe dune buggy accident and he was not coming back home... he was moving out with his girlfriend.

Well his girlfriend, ended up being wife number two (the call girl) with whom I am still in contact with... and no, she is no longer a call girl.  There was also a (common law) wife number three and also a number four.  He may have had many wives, but one thing was consistent with him... he always treated his wives and their children better than his own... at least better than me.

My brother, who had a more or less healthy relationship with our dad, believes the reason dad was tougher with us was because our dad had higher expectations and standards for his children.

I am not trying to disrespect my father's memory by any means... please know I loved/love my father very much but he was not kind to me and this has always hurt me emotionally ... it changed me.  


My father went to his death bed believing that the father he had known all his life, was not his biological father... and his mother went to her deathbed years before with the truth.   I am trying to avoid anything like that happening to me~ I want happiness without any regrets.  I want to be at peace with myself and unfortunately the way my father treated me is something I have to deal with and eventually put in a balloon.  

My father would belittle me in front of others without a problem.  Apologize... not once.  He has called me many names in my life, and as I got older the names became harsher.  He has even called me the unspeakable "C" word without a bat of an eye or remorse immediately afterwards... no apology.

My father, for the most part treated women with a lack of respect, oh and if a woman showed a sign of intelligence or spunk... forget it!  He would be so rude and mean, and then of course if they happen to be my friend~ well that was the end of that.  I witnessed more than once my father tear people apart with his words!   If you could imagine a rougher version of Archie Bunker (if you are even old enough to know who he is- lol!)... a little more aggressive version if you will.  


Then if a woman he wanted to impress or someone he liked would show up~ and he would pull a 180!  Black and white, hot and cold- his demeanor and whole self would be more flirty,sweeter and funny.  As if a new person just stepped in.


Five days before his death he apologized to me.


Blessings to all.


354 days to go!!


PS... there's still a lot more healing to endure when it comes to my dad


All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 9 ~ Does Anyone Know the Answer? ... What is Self-Worth?

For the past week I've been getting these subtle messages... whether it was said by someone I know, reported on a news show or discussed by Suze Orman on "Finding Sarah: From Royalty to The Real World" on OWN ... regardless, the message was the same.

How do you get self worth?  Look for the one thing that gives you IT.  ... Do you like yourself? ... We have to like and love oneself, and be happy with oneself before we can truly be happy in life.

For as much as I want to be able to answer these questions with a big fat YES!  I need to understand them first.  

courtesy of Bing images

I know what "self" means, as well as the word "worth"- now I don't know about you, but when I put the two words together they become powerful, almost intimidating.  [So needless to say, I am still looking for IT.]  


When the question of liking oneself decides to show its ugly face, that in itself stirs up a sleuth of questions.  What I can say is, that I know I am a good person, with good morals and principles.  I know right from wrong, and help others before helping myself.  I put my children first and love them with all my heart and soul, unconditionally.  I am always there for my family.  I love and adore my husband, who always shows selflessness when it comes to his family and friends.~  He makes me want to be a better person.  Then...


Then I think of how bitter I have become.  I think of the times I have reacted before thinking or even said things I didn't mean.  Or take things out on people that don't deserve being the "scapegoat" of my hurt and/or simply what I had experienced earlier that day.  When I pass by a mirror, low and behold- there's a scowl on my face!  I never used to be like this!  I used to be a happy person [regardless of what I may had already experienced in my life]... yet that happiness seems from another time, another place, another life so long ago.  


Now, when I apologize to you tomorrow for saying or doing something that left you scratching your head because you do not know where that came from... please know that I have thought about what I did and realized that I was a "jerk" and more importantly I hope you do not hold it against me.  And yes, I have apologized (plenty of times) to my family and friends when I have realized I was wrong... there are a few of you out there that can attest to this too!  ;)


I know that I can not change what had happened yesterday... but what I can do is, with each day that is given to me, do the best possible to do something great that day... then maybe, just maybe I will find the answer to these questions.


Blessings to all.


356 days to go


All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied. All accounts herein are written by Cali-Gal/Carla B Karam and are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

8th Day ~ I WILL Change Things!!

I don't know why I didn't think of writing this blog sooner!  By the time I finished writing my post last night and I had put all my "issues" regarding school in a balloon and let it go, I was feeling really calm.  It was a peaceful, easy feeling... relief... like the saying weight off your shoulders.  


Actually, I felt great! ~ after all I had just finished writing a blog for seven days straight.  I will attest that my writing is a great outlet!  It's "cleaning house" of my issues.  It's been great [self]-therapy so far!  


I start my day with prayer each day and I also make it a point to always ask God to watch over my sons.  To guide them and keep them out of harm's way, and to never let them forget how much their mother loves them.  

It wasn't bad enough that I had been restricted from being a part of my son's daily routine for over fifteen years, now they won't even talk to me.  My eldest (23), hasn't spoken to me for nearly two years.  Correction, he text me once stating I love you mom, but I am not ready to talk, and that was what seems an eternity ago.

The youngest (20) of my two sons, who stopped talking to me a year and a half ago, called me Mother's Day weekend, both on Saturday and Sunday.  We talked for the longest time we have ever talked.  We were going to put everything in the past and move forward.  He had asked me for forgiveness and all I could tell him was how much I missed and loved him.

I barely have spoken to him twice since and that was me calling him just for him to tell me he was going to call me back.  He has blocked my phone numbers.  I even text him using my Google number to get through... and nothing.  

courtesy of Bing images

How do I put this in a balloon?

Regardless of how I may really feel, I need to remind myself that I want to be happy and for that I must make changes.  

Thank you God for the opportunity you give me each day to do something great.  


Blessings to all.

357 days to go.

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 5 ~ Life... It "Changes" You.

When I went to bed last night, I can honestly say that I felt great.  I had finished writing my "Day 4" entry with fourteen minutes left to the day.  I made it in time...~ by midnight!! It was such a big accomplishment and I felt great about it.  I had gotten a lot of my feelings out, and even though I had tears in my eyes for most of it, the dreaded re-living of the past felt ok.  It was as if I had gone to the top of the tallest mountain (with a twirly skirt on) and screamed it all out.  

This morning when I woke I wanted it to be a positive day, and it was until someone rained on my parade and reminded me how negative I was.  I didn't argue or get mad.  As a matter of fact I agreed.  

Well, let me just say that when even the only two people in the entire world that you are "suppose to trust" in your life (your parents) do not keep you safe nor put you first in their lives as a "child"... well let's just say that it changes you.

Then you marry a man that you think will always keep you safe and your suppose to "live happily ever after" with, and he turns out to be the person who constantly cheats on you, is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, pushes you around, alienates you from your friends, tries to do the same with your family and then accomplishes it with your children... well let's just say that it changes you.

courtesy of Bing images

You fight for your own happiness because it is obvious to you that if you don't, no one else will.  You fight to have your children, only to find out that the man you once married concocts up a story with his "new wife" that I "inappropriately" touched my innocent little three year old little boy, and then they put my three year old and six and a half year old little boys in positions to lie to people of authority about their mother... well let's just say that it changes you. 

I know that life is not perfect, and Lord knows that neither am I.  I take responsibility for my own actions, as well as the fact that I completely ignored the "red" flags. Did I deserve any of this?  I don't know.  But I will tell you what I do know... I know that my boys did not deserve to be played as "pawns" in a divorce/custody battle, nor to have their mother torn apart before their eyes and taken from them.  Divorce... well let's just say it changes you. 

Blessings to all!

360 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.

Day 4 ~ Did Someone Say "Issues" ?

Photo by Dan

I certainly have cut it close tonight.  I have an hour and a half to make my deadline and not miss my "Day 4" entry.  I've been sitting here thinking about what I should write about.  

Believe me it is not that I do not have anything to write about, I have plenty.  I have so many issues that if I had a dollar for every issue I would be a millionaire.  Well, maybe not a millionaire.  But you get the idea. ;)

Let me see... my father, who passed away five years ago, basically had a narcissistic personality and was verbally abusive to me most of my adult life; my mother, has had OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) since I was nine as a result of what I believe was her finding out about my father's affair with her younger sister (and yes I remember this all too well), who also was more or less not around from when I was eleven years old until just about three years ago, and with whom I have been trying to have a "healthy" relationship with for the sake of my daughter; my sister, I have not had a relationship with her for at least 35 years, and who I recently, cautiously have accepted back in my life; my brother, he has always been the only family with whom I have ever had a healthy relationship with and I trust completely, and who unfortunately is going through some tough times; let me see, oh and I've scratched the surface, actually more like barely dusted the surface in regards to my relationship with my sons or rather non-relationship; my job, well let's just say that I do not agree with the way I have been treated there; and then there's my daughter Calley's severe environmental allergies that caused her to miss 62 days of preschool and that is causing us to rethink where we live.  

These are just a few things going on in my life, or that have caused a domino affect on who I am and has taken the sparkle out of my eyes and the skip out of my step.

I used to be such a happy person.  I was always doing something, and always with a friend.  I was always surrounded by friends and living my life to the fullest.  And then... Bret happened.  The father of my two sons, my eldest will be twenty-four on the 8th of July and my baby turned twenty the 23rd of this past  February.  I do not want to give this man any credit for anything in my life, but the fact is, that he took my boys from me and my life has been hell ever since.

Loosing my boys has been the most horrible experience which has consumed nearly sixteen years of my life and has eaten me up alive in the process.

Well, I have decided to get the loss of my boys off my chess one last time (which I will start sharing more of tomorrow).  I am never going to give up on my boys, but there has to be a better way of dealing with them not being in my life, doing something about it and not allowing it to eat me up alive anymore.  I want my daughter to have a happy mommy and my husband to have the happy and loving wife he deserves.  I want to stop wearing a frown all the time on the inside.  I want to be happy inside and out.  

Blessings to all.

361 days to go!

All contents herein are protected under Copyright laws and can not be used, altered or copied without written permission from Carla B Karam- please just ask.  All views and feelings are true accounts of her life. Some names may be changed to protect the innocent.